The players in the game ...

Me and Pete have had a long and bumpy road. I mean BUMPY! He is still such a genuine sweetheart, but he has independence issues like no OTHER! I will have to break out my time line and show how many days he would just disappear and not talk to anyone for a week or so. Then out of no where want to talk to you. And not to mention we went through a terrifying incident that I am not very proud of, and I am not very excited about. But even after that we still are together, and his body just keeps getting better ... but I do not know if we are getting worse or better. I feel a lot of things are missing from him. IT hurts a lot to have SUCH a casual relationship.

Ed and I have remained friends. He has not wanted a relationship but when he has come to see me he demands sex or just takes it pretty much. So we are in an awkward phase.

Keith is back in the picture. Even though I loathe him we have now forged a VERY odd friendship. He has owned up to using me like all roughly 115 girls he has been with in the past 4 years. He can talk to me about all the things that are going on and we just laugh. One night we even slept together, not sexually but actually just cuddled up. It is ... interesting to say the least.

Charles, has been an udder ass to me. In every respect of the word he has became this total moral "judge" he seems to think he still knows me and that I am the same. He thinks a LOT and for the most part in vain. I try to ignore him as MUCH as possible. HE really has not been very active in my life since my last update. Just more pissing me off on the Internet.

OK .... well we have some new characters now ...

Ruth - My roommate / co-worker that asked me to move in with her. She is the one roommate I do like. She is going to Australia for 3 weeks starting today. I will develop her more later.

Yah - My male roommate, not too bad of a fellow. But as we roll through we find he is absolutely insane and has this religion-ish belief that he is above human. And he has converted his girlfriend, my other roommate. Very funny guy, but also very odd ... very slobbish and not too quick on things. Came from California.

Kat - My female roommate, and Yah's girlfriend. Bi-polar, ex-catholic, poet, Spanish minor, gullible and odd! She has no sense of how to clean, she has no sense of how to do anything on her own. She is attached to Yah's ASS and she believe that she too is above mortality. I will explain their "religion" later. But of course I do not "know" about it ... I found out through Ruth who they believe to be one of "them".

Coleman - Ruth's ex that I have played a dirty dirty trick on. I have also went a little too far with him. He is a very important new character, he is a friend of Kat's for 5 years, blames Yah for her changing, and is still in love with Ruth. He also is heavily Anglican, but very contradictory. This is a COMPLEX character. And will be a long entry to explain my and his "relationship" to one another. But it is by far one of the most interesting entries I will have.

Roy - A University Professor, 27 years old, very handsome extremely well educated. I have been after him since we started talking and we finally met. He is a well mannered, humorous, down to earth person ... and if I can snag him I could probably settle down with him. Me and him really just feel "right" when we are together. We have never even hugged but I feel attached to him very much. He is a friend and a workout companion at the moment.

...... I am sure there are more BUT I will leave it here. This is the MAIN line up there will obviously be other people in play, but I do not feel like finding the information I need to find them ALL. Nor do I want to type it all right this moment.Enjoy!

Long time no post

WOW, the things that have happened in my absence. I am just trying to organize it all and see where to start.

Right at the moment, I am in a new place. Really nice 1500 sq. place, 3 new roommates ... going to kill 2 of them. Just got laid off on the 11th, it really sucks. The roommate I do like is going to Australia later today, and I am going to try and evict the others or make them wish they were dead. Fun TIMES!

I must say my life is now a tangled web. A VERY tangled web. I am going to try and organize a calender and then start reporting back a story at a time to keep you up to date. This story involves a lot, and a lot of things that bring ethics into play. They REALLY bring ethics and morals into play.

Shew, What is Up with Me!?

Ok, it has been a while since I updated this blog. I feel like I am a horrid person! I really do. I have been so good about not being a sexual person all my life. Even though I have the "sex" look that I am infamous for. And all of a sudden this year I am like, "sex sex sex .... sex" ! What the hell is wrong with me!? I have been with more people since February this year till now than people I had been with from the time I lost my virginity. Ok let me get into the story I guess.


After Ed, I started talking to another guy we will call Pete. Now we had talked before and never really hung out or anything. But I had talked to him since like January almost. So, one night me and a friend decide it is time for me to go to my first strip club and get out of this slump. Problem is he is gay and I am a straight female, so we need a third person who actually wants to look at naked girls. So that we do not feel awkward being there. So we call Ed, he doesn't answer. We call a friend of his, can't make it has class at 10 am the next morning. I get on and see Pete is on and I just straight up ask. He was taken back at first, and was like sure. Why not!? So I told him we were heading down there at Midnight, and that we would meet him out front cause I have free passes and I had an extra. Ok we go and we have a great time. Me and him hit it off and he loves my friend. They are now like new buddies! haha. I really like Pete, he is very genuine, very caring, very honest, just one of the good guys all around. I have known that but he really was. My friend even picked up on it. He is 27, 6'3" ... BEAUTIFUL eyes and omg he is built like a god. His arms, pecks, and back wow ... really huge turn on!

So we are at the club for a few hours and decide to go out to the car and do some shots of Vodka, me and my buddy brought some Vodka with us in the car. Even thought we are 18 and 19 (me being the older) lol. Yeah I know illegal and not smart. Whatever, it happened ok!?

Pete seems to be having a good time and all of us were really. So at 3:30 or so I asked him if he wanted to come back to my place with me and my friend and hang out, watch movies, drink some more. He agreed and we all left. I rode with Pete to get him back to my place. Nothing happened we just chatted and he said he was glad to have met my buddy cause he loved diversity and he loves his disposition on things. That he being gay came to a strip club, and got a couch dance, and wants to come back for his birthday. It was just fun to him. He really got major brownie points from me for being so open and happy to have met my friend. Ok we are going to call my friend Brad, I am sick of him not having a name. lol

I gave Brad my keys and told him meet me back at the apartment that Pete and I need OJ and Red Bull for Screw Drivers and Jagger Bombs. Brad goes on ahead of us and when we get there he already has broke out the Tequila. We sit around till almost 7 am and finally Pete asks, "Do you mind if I sleep here, I am wasted and don't wanna drive home" I told him I figured he was staying anyway. So he goes and jumps in my bed and starts to go to sleep. Brad stays on my couch and I go to bed with Pete. He is totally wasted, by the way. We had kissed earlier when he stepped outside to smoke. So he and I are in bed, and he asks if he could rub my back and I told him that he could if he liked and I rolled over. He starts rubbing my back and starts to tickle my sides and hit spots on me, then his hand wonders to my pants and up my shirt. Before I know it we are having sex like animals. This was some INTENSE sex. Insane! So yeah, after the 7th or 8th time that we have sex that night I pretty much pass out and so does he. We were cuddled up panting. Brad comes in in the morning and thanks us for the wonderful noises that we forced upon his ears that night. Both of us laugh and he leaves to go shopping. So round 2 happens. And Brad gets back in time to hear some more. HE comes in and is like, GD you two do not quit! We both just laugh cause we are laying naked only our bottom halves covered.

Pete has to get to work so he leaves shortly after all this. And he tells me that he can't wait to see me again that he really likes me. That night he also made illusion to seeing me a lot more. So I was satisfied with that. I called him that night and he was happy to hear from me.

OK next day!

So I have an interview at 5:30, got the job gotta get the piss test. And I call him to tell him about it. I have a horrible incident with the local bus routes and get stranded for almost 2 hours and when I finally made it to the Transit Center my bus wasn't there. So he says that he wants to come get me. I told him that he didn't need to I'd wait it out. He told me it wasn't a problem to just let him take me home that I had been out in the rain and cold too much I was going to get hypothermia. So I agreed, because I really wanted to see him again and I was freezing.

We get back to my place and I told him he was welcome to come in and hang out that I didn't want to run him off after he picked me up. So he comes in and I made dinner for me, he had already ate. And we watch a movie. After the movie we are in my living room floor and just start getting passionate. He started kissing me and had been rubbing my sides the whole movie. Needless to say we ended up naked in the floor and I was for sure we were about to have sex. He looks me in the eyes and tells me that I should feel special. I look at him sort of funny cause I do not understand, he goes down on me. And honestly, he got done and thought he was just okay. Really, that was the most amazing oral I have ever received. I was floored that I was only the 3rd person and about the 15th time he has ever done that. He told me he just didn't do it a lot unless he really liked someone so he felt like he wasn't too good. I told him that I did not arch up into basically a back bend and have my eyes roll up into my head for anyone. One person has almost put me in that position and they loved giving oral, everyone else barely got a reaction. He was really shocked that he was that good. I was shocked to be honest. I didn't expect it out of him, but I am very very glad about it! haha

So he seems to me like a good guy. I think that maybe we could be something good. But I'll just have to see.

As the Days Go By

I have been so confused lately. I want to think that Ed will come back and that we will be okay but I just have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like he was happy once before and found a greater feeling, now he has to question if he is really feeling that much and if he is if it is the best feeling there is. And I know if he went out even on a short date he would realize that well they aren't going to make him as happy. But I also wonder IF he wants to be happy. I do not think he is wanting to let himself feel so much happiness, like he will forget something else if he is. It is so weird, I just wonder if he wants to settle for less and let me go just because he doesn't believe he deserves me or something.

Yesterday I told him that I wanted him to come up here and see me. He told me he wanted to see me but did not know if it would be best for him to come up here. He did not want to mislead me or anything and I told him I know where we stand. That I would restrain from being all over him that I just wanted the opportunity to see him. He never came last night. He never called ... he never got online. It hurt a lot. But I knew that he was trying to make himself distance himself from me. Like it will hurt less for him to do that.

It is sad now all I want to do is sit down and tell him in person how I feel. And I just keep feeling like he is trying to believe he doesn't care as much as he does. What do I do? Do I sit here and want to call him, do I walk 30 miles to his house, do I just sit here and think!? What !? I do not get it, why can't I just know that he still DOES without a doubt in my mind want to be with me?! That would give me hope, but as it is right now ... I feel like he wants to find an answer and then just leave me in the dust. Is that weird for me to think? That he does not want to be as happy? That he still wants to have that level of emotion that he had with his ex fiance? Help me out readers ... tell me what you all think.

The Actual Break Up

I figure I should probably at least shed some more light on what happened between me and Ed.

There is a lot of conversation I am going to cut out and just put in "......"'s to show the breaks. Bare with me. It is still going to be ridiculously long.

*************************************

Ed had been telling me he had been trying to get a hold of me all day and couldn't.

(WARNING: This is not spell checked, etc. The names were changed that was it. We both can spell and all but this in an intense conversation. He was at work and I was at home. So the spelling and all the grammar is not exactly there. It was typed as we thought and that is how I left it. So ignore all the mistakes that you can.)

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Ed:: hey i have been trying to get ahold of you all day to talk to you about this so i have come to this conclusion its nothing against you but i have done alot of soul searching and found that i am not ready to be in a relationship at this point in time i am really sorry that it has come to me telling you in an email but i have called on every break but to no avail. once again im really sorry you are a great person and i would love for us to remain friends at least for the time being.
sorry
ed
ME: Why?
Ed: i just explained it to you sweetie
ME: I don't get why you aren't ready ?
Ed: i do love you but i cant do it right now i have to get past my demons before i can do this
ME: I guess I just do not understand. But I'll be here to talk whenever you need it.
Ed: i want to still be friends
Ed: i just cnat do it right now
Ed: im so sorry i didnt want it to be like this
ME: That is fine. I do not think I can chat much ... different reason.
ME: Then why did it !?
ME: Sorry
ME: I'm hurting a lot right now.
ME: You just ripped my soul out of my backbone. I just lost my dream job, trying my hardest ... and I got that call from Charlie and I was okay, I smoked an entire pack of Swisher Cigs last night, and I calmed down finally. Got a lot of rest that I needed to wake up to this.
Ed: THANKS
ME: Sorry
Ed: no
ME: I am honest
ME: I am telling you what I think
Ed: talk to me when you can be civil i feel aweful doing this and then you pull that
ME: Ed.
ME: I am being civil. I am just hurt.
ME: Ok, I'll stop typing as I think because I am sure that does not help.
ME: I need to understand why it is you stepped into a relationship, then decided it not to be the best thing. I honestly cannot fathom that.
ME: What is it that made this decision?

.............................................

ME: I am not trying to be rude by saying this or uncivil, but it hurts more than anything to know you stood here telling people that I was something special.
.............................................

ME: Sorry for being bitter, mad and hurt. What would you do if you woke up this morning and your relationship was assimilated? I got on myspace ... single, facebook single, pof looking .... all before I even got the message. I was a lil pissed at that. Not going to lie.
ME: I understand it now that I have breathed and thought
ME: I'm sorry for acting rashly ...
ME: It was wrong of me to just type something and send it even though I was hurt,
Ed: its ok
Ed: just try to look at it from my point of view
Ed: its been like 6 months since i got out of a 3 year relationship
ME: So is this over her?
ME: Honestly?
Ed: no its over me not being able to cope
ME: I am not sure I get what you are saying.
Ed: ok i thought i was ready but i still feel as if im doing something i shouldntwhen i am with another girl alright
Ed: simply put
ME: Wow. Umm ok.
ME: Never thought I would be thought of as something someone shouldn't do. But that is a new perspective.
Ed: you want honesty
ME: I do
ME: I am just sort of jolted
ME: by that
Ed: there ya go
Ed: ya guys have a concience well at least some
ME: Well, I appreciate your honesty. I am just saying I have never been seen in that light.
Ed: what do you mean
ME: Tell me something. Was I insane when I remember you looking me in the eyes saying you have fallen in love, to have felt it too? Seriously ... should I have just told myself no?
ME: I have never been with someone and them tell me they felt wrong being with me.
ME: That is what I am saying
Ed: OMG
Ed: goodbye
ME: Please no ..
Ed: no
ME: Ed no no listen
ME: I am being serious
Ed: no im done when you called me a liar
Ed: that was it
ME: No you did not lie to me at all
Ed: call me anything but a bitch and a liar
ME: I want to know if I should have told myself to wait
ME: Ed you have never lied to me
ME: I know you have not
ME: I know you love me ... I see it but I want to know if I should have restrained
ME: If I was calling you a liar I would tell you straight out
ME: Do not contort my words.
Ed: do not come at me in that manner trust me you dont want to
Ed: i want us to remain friends and hopefully in time work past this
Ed: but i will not be talked down upon
ME: You aren't
ME: You are an equal
ME: Ok I need to find a way to reword that
ME: I have completely thrown the wrong message at you
ME: I'll have to think of how to reword it. I cannot think of it now. The wheels are turning but nothing is happening.
ME: I am not trying to sound better, higher, anything. I would not call you a liar unless I believed it. You are very honest, and I appreciate that. I just want to know what I should have done if there was something on my part that could have helped You.
Ed: no
Ed: it was that way with my child to be's mother
Ed: not just you
Ed: i dont know what the hell it is
Ed: i guess i never got closure
Ed: i dont know
ME: I undersatand that. I had that once. It took me from March 2005 till February 4, 2006 to find a way.
ME: Now I have closure on that relationship
Ed: i still dont
ME: I understand that. You need to figure out in your heart what it is that you still do not understand, and you need to find your answer to it.
ME: That sounds weird but it is what works
Ed: ya
ME: There is an answer in YOU for closure. She can never give you anything but more questions.
ME: You have that answer. Find it.
ME: That is all I can say on it
Ed: yep
ME: I did not want to find it for so long
ME: But I did.
Ed: i dont know if i want to find it
ME: Wow, I know that feeling. You will never want to find it and end it. But you will never forget what happened and what your answer is. It will make you feel whole again. There is a piece of you that is not completing yourself. You need it to fully love again.
ME: You have to find what it is you want, and then you will find that answer
ME: It may just find you.
ME: I hid it from myself
ME: For so long
ME: I found closure with Charlie quickly because I knew what my answer was. I knew that he was not for me. That even though he wanted me to be his wife, and that I would love to be married and stable that it was not with him. That he needed to go, he needed to live more. his dreams had to be broken to have a better life. he still lived in the fantasy that the first person he loved would be his forever.
ME: And I was that person. It is hard to be the one breaking another's dreams.
Ed: i know it is
Ed: mine was the ones broken
ME: Mine had been. Ed, I'm telling you right now as a friend that loves you more than you will ever understand. You had to have that dream broken. HAD to, not because it was better for you. Not because it was better for her. Not because you weren't meant to be. Because you need the strength to go into this world knowing dreams are .... not reality. They are a dream and that life goes on no matter what happens. You have to know why you wake up in the morning, what drives you to be the best that is you. You have to know what your destiny is.
ME: Anyone that lives there dream is missing out on a whole level of understanding ... they will never know the happiness of themselves.
ME: But that is my answer to things. You may disagree
ME: I hope that you have it in yourself to find an answer. You have a child on the way, it is going to be a beautiful being that will have hopes and dreams and needs someone with a full heart and with a full self, to be strong and be there. A child is innocence, reborn and you are going to have to be there, and know who you are to raise them right.
ME: You are not the only person to benefit from you finding an answer.
Ed: i konw i do i think it will complete me again
ME: That child won't complete you, you can complete you.
ME: You may work toward completing yourself for that child but it is in essence another entity. And no one else can put that piece of your puzzle back in your heart.
ME: I do not want you to be a dad like mine, love one minute, disgust another, I know you won't be. but my dad never found an answer to his divorce.
He hurt a lot from not getting to see his son till he was 7. And when he saw me he loved me because I was his, but hated me because I was an accident, he named me My Rose ... because he cherished me, but he had a split mind. He did not know who he was anymore and he thought he was being loving to me when he was hurting me when he was trying to find that answer. I know in my heart he never meant to hurt me, mom maybe ... he wanted the best for me but it was hell for me because he wanted something full on then he wanted something else.
ME: Sort of like when I look you in the eyes and I feel like you and I have dated for years and loved for a lifetime. But then this happens. It shows Ed, to everyone.
ME: I know you will be one of the most wonderful loving father's in the world. And that you will give that child everything. But you need to find yourself some closure before he or she is born. They were born out of a relationship you could not handle because of this answer. Do not let it come into this world with that question still pending.
Ed: thanks
ME: I want to see you be the best person you can be Ed. I know that piece is within your grasp. If you will let yourself find a reason to get it.
Ed: im working on it trust me
ME: I know it is because when I see you and when you kiss me or even hold my hand I know that you have a lot of love to give and what I have felt is still not all of it.
Ed: what do you mena
Me: I am more intelligent than you think Ed. I can read the heart a lot better than you think. I know that you love with all your heart, but I look at you and I feel you and know that there is something else in you. I have never felt so much emotion and love, but when I close my eyes and take it in, there is one piece missing. The dedication to keep that emotion flowing. You put a damper on yourself around me sometimes.
ME: And it is because that one piece.
ME: You can never have a long term relationship again till you can love as hard as you can all the time.
Ed: starting to notice this
ME: You did the night we met. The night you came up here and made love to me, you did ... until you asked me "Did we just go from having sex to making love". I think you scared yourself. You weren't ready to do that. I think you are, you just do not want to get hurt again. Let me tell you ... the moment you hesitate is the moment that you mess things up. It would be like riding a wheelie and stopping the gas after you get the tire fully up. What is going to happen? You are going to crash.
ME: You caught yourself off guard. You let a wall down that you were afraid for someone to fill.
Ed: tru
ME: Never be afraid to let someone fill your heart with joy, with love, with themself
ME: Find that piece, and tell yourself you are not afraid to love and lose again.
ME: You won't ever lose again if you can do it.
Ed: i know
ME: I don't know if what I am saying is of any help but I hope maybe it is. If you can hear me out and think about it then you have accepted that you need to move on it. You are like me you do not listen to just anyone or hear just anything. If it strikes a cord then you listen, I hope I have. Then at least I know I made a difference to one person in my life.
ME: You know but you are not accepting it.
ME: Like I knew I needed to let my past go
ME: I finally did
ME: I can tell Dad anything now. I do. I called him at work and told him my passion now.
ME: I have never sat down and talked to him about me.
ME: The most passion he has ever seen out of me was the day he put a gun to my 2 puppy's heads and killed them. Then told me he was sorry.
ME: That was nothing compared to the passion I have.
ME: I am not afraid to tell him when I screw up now. I don;t care what he thinks.
ME: You need to find you Ed.
Ed: i know i knwo
ME: You have to find what is stopping you. I know what it is, it should tell you something. The moment you hesitated was the thing you are scared of.
ME: That is where you need to look
ME: I'm here for you Ed. I hope in my heart you will not date someone else till you answer what it is in you. I really hope that you will remember me when you are ready to have another relationship.
Ed: i know you are
ME: I really do not want us to end. I love you, I never thought that I could love someone so quickly. But you are in my heart I let you in here. I never put up the fake wall that is 6 months of a relationship normally. I wanted you to know me.
ME: But you need to be able to do the same.
Ed: i love you too
ME: Not saying that you would, but do not do something stupid. Do not look for someone else to mend you. Please don't. I could never forgive you for that, I could never forgive you if you ran to someone else knowing that you have the answer.
Ed: i wont
ME: Thank you. Ed, I have so much in my heart for you. I am not going to hurt and cry because now I get it. I think you see that I know what I am talking about. I hope you understand that I am here for you. You can come up here and see me any time you want. Drop in and say hi. You can call me whenever. I am here for you. I want to see you be able to love again with full force.
ME: Have a good evening. You are about to be off work. I do not want to keep you longer than you want to be on here.
ME: Or can be on here lol
Ed: bye hun love you still

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

It is a lot of conversation, but I have not been mad at him since. And like I said he came up here today, and he kissed me. He told me he missed me, he held my hand. He was only here for 30 minutes but it made a huge impression on me. He proved to me he still was in love. And that I was not stupid to hold on.

Another Letter to Ed

Me and Ed broke up the other morning because he still has not found closure on his last relationship. He and I still love each other, and he still talks to me. We have stayed close like we are in a relationship still. He showed up at random today.




Ed,

Tonight, you really showed me you still cared. I felt so horrible holding back some my feelings because I knew that you couldn’t stay long. I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much I want to be with you. How I can’t do anything without thinking of you. God, I was in the bath tub soaking my knee thinking about when you sat in there with me. I remember how much that meant to me to have you just be calm and cool and be there. To look me in the eyes and kiss me when I was just doing something normal and everyday. I remember thinking how I used to always want someone to just sit and talk to me when I was soaking. Just to be there and break the silence and the monotony, and give me a smile when I was soaking for pain. You did that, and I never had to ask.

You held me the night before my interview and just knowing that you were beside me would have sufficed. But you went the extra distance to make me feel good; to make me feel calm and collected. The little things you do make a huge difference to me. Telling me you thought about bringing me a single rose, it was the thought that was so incredibly sweet that it just put a smile on my face. You may not believe this but thinking about you puts a smile on my face. That just does not happen with me. I am a very somber, very serious, extremely collected person …. Until I get around you. I just lighten up and let my real self come out and I let the world see it. I wanted when you showed up to just hold you tight and cry because I missed you so much. I wanted to curl up in your lap and kiss on you. I wanted to kiss down your jaw and hear the tiny moan and feel the small quiver your jaw makes, I wanted to look you in the eyes and tell you that you mean more to me than anything on this Earth; I wanted to tell you that I want you; in every sense of the word I want you. But I knew that you wanted me to hold back because of your journey to find an answer. When you told me you missed me it made my eyes water, that was all I wanted to hear from you. More so than “I love you” I wanted to know that you missed being here. We spent almost everyday together, and I would love to spend so many more with you. I was hoping to see you again tonight. When you said you were going to see Sissy, I thought maybe I could persuade you to bring your bike over here. And let me see the lights, but even more let me see you. I wanted to hold on to you and never let go. I lost my breath when I kissed you. Because I was so relieved that you pulled me to you like I had wanted to do. When I was rubbing your hands I could just remember the way they felt on my skin and on my neck. I remembered how they felt when you held me tight, or when you ran them over my back.

You are so amazing to me Ed. I do not know what has come over me to love someone so fast, and so intensely. I have never been one to believe in love and first site. I never really said it was not true but it did not happen to me. I never believed in soul mates and all that, but honestly, when you walked out the door today I watched you till you left. I couldn’t break my vision. Under normal circumstances I would have just closed the door and sighed. When I did let the door close, I breathed in deep, closed my eyes. I remembered your smell, I remembered your words, I remembered your touch, and I remembered looking into your gorgeous eyes.

My life has been going to hell, and to be honest normally…. I would actually have gotten suicidal by now. I would just want it all to end. I would want to go to sleep with a bottle of pills in me and never awake. The thought has not crossed my mind. I have told my family what is going on and I have told them that I am working as hard as I can to solve things. I have put in over 200 applications. I checked my emails for the confirmation that I submitted my resume. I have relocated my funds; I have become friends with Charlie. I have done a lot. I am actually proud of how well I am taking everything. I have never felt pride in myself. My abilities on occasion … but at how well I am doing, never. I know that life will go on no matter what and that I cannot worry or I will only cause myself more problems. I have already found some alternate ways of getting temporary funds in the case that I cannot get paid before bills come. I have a friend that will loan it to me. I told him I do not at any time want to HAVE to, but if I feel I put as much effort as I can into finding a job and into getting one, that I will find one. And if it is late in the month then the first paycheck I get I will start paying him back. He told me he would give it to me and I told him no, that if I get to that situation that I will pay him back. No matter what if I have to make payments for a year and a half I will. But I am keeping logical even when I have this much stress.

I have to say honestly, my thoughts of you keep me from being insane. I know that I am the one that changed me to the person I finally wanted to be but it took an influence in my life that I did not have. It took a degree of understanding that I didn’t have before. It is like you came into my life and the person that I wanted to be all my life finally became. I know that ultimately I made it happen and made the decision but I cannot understand what the influence that you had over me was. I cannot comprehend why I could not do it before, why I failed.

Thank you Ed, for being everything that you are. You asked me why you are alive; I personally told you everyone has their own meaning in life. That is true but I also believe that each person is meant to be something to someone else and to help them find more meaning or to find themselves. You have helped me to become what I have been working toward for years. You have helped me learn what real love is. That it isn’t learned. You have showed me that all the passion in the world is in someone’s eyes. I could literally go on forever. Every time that I see you it seems like I find something else to be thankful for, that you just being there makes me learn. I hope that you can understand where I am coming from. I do not know if I will ever be that important to another person on this earth, but I hope that I can be.

I really want to know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. I want to know your inner most thoughts. You seem relaxed when you are around me. You said so on my couch just today that you were relaxing. You also told me that it is hard for you to relax in front of anyone. I hope that maybe I help that. I want to know what you want. I would argue that I need to know, but I can’t say that. I can only know what you want me to know. Your eyes told me a lot; they showed me you still loved me. I also know you would never forgive me if I were to seek out another man to comfort me. And believe me, you are irreplaceable. Do not pull the shit about it has happened before, that was her. I could search this world over and never be fully happy again without you. Maybe someone else let you go, maybe someone else dropped you like a fly, but that someone will never be me. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me you could love someone more than me, then I would believe you. I would then believe that you were not the one for me. But until that moment, when you can do that I will never believe that another person could take your place. I know you thought you achieved nirvana, you dated a girl for 3 years, you got engaged. You had the best you thought. Let me tell you bluntly. She went and found someone else. You were happy, she was not. I know this because I was happy once. Blindly happy, oh I wanted to see myself walking the aisle, in a white gown. I wanted to see him standing there, a big grin on his face ready to take me as his. I wanted to know what it was like to be with him every night, and cook for him every day, I wanted to nurture him and love him with every piece of my soul. You know what (?); he was not as in love or as happy. He thought he was, he thought he loved me with everything. But there was a chamber of his heart that I was not in. And that meant that my bliss was only for what I knew of him. He still seeked something more. That last bit of him he did not know about. He thought I was the best that was going to happen and I thought he had given me all of him. That is what has happened to you Ed. Someone locked you out of them; they let you think you were there. That you were their everything. They found someone else because something was missing. It was in her, there is never anything you can do to open it. Do not act like you can. Do not ask yourself why, because you will NEVER know. The human heart is a mysterious thing. You will know for yourself eventually. I know that I could tell you all day what happened to me and you would listen but you do not want to hear the truth of it. You have to tell it to yourself. I love you Ed. There is not a part of me that you cannot explore, inside and out. I am here giving you my heart. I have never given my heart to someone. But I think you need it more than I. You need the strength and you need to know how open one can be to you. Ask me anything, tell me anything. If you were in front of me right now, I would take your right hand place it on my chest, I would make you feel what is there, and I would tell you it is yours. Use it wisely. I may house a beating heart but the emotional heart that envelopes it, is yours. You need to feel a whole heart. I think you did the day we met. I think you did when you sang to me. I know you did when you made love to me. And it scared you.

You are the best I have ever had. I mean that sexually, I mean that emotionally, I mean that in whatever sense you want to take it. I hope that I can be that for you. I strive for it. You told me when I lost that interview and I said that I wanted it so bad, “Then go get it.” Take your own words and determine what it is you want and “Go get it.”

With love,
Iysis

Cheese

I love Cheese and Quesadilas!! YAY

Fantasies

So yeah this post should have came before the other one, but it is still important to me. Enough to put it out of order. lol Well me and Ed have had sex 4 times in total. I mentioned our first encounter. The same night we had a second one. But the one I really want to write about was when he came to my house.

We were having a good time and got into the bedroom and started at each other. In the middle he had me get up on top. I have always felt like I am not good on top but the look on his face and the moans that came out of his mouth told me different. It was feeling, magnificent, he looked me in the eyes every moment and all of a sudden, I kissed him. He held my back to him and stopped the movement. We kissed and he moved slowly pumping inside me. He talked to me, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me he wasn't just falling in love that he had fallen. I told him that I had too that he meant so much to me. The intensity of the emotions flowed through my body. Yet he was barely moving. I just looked him in the eyes and kissed him. He broke the silence, "Did we just go from having sex to making love?" "Yeah ... we did" I started grinding slowly, he sat up and hugged me tight. He looked me in the eyes. "This feels perfect, not the sex ... this ... us. Everything about it." I smiled and threw my arms around him tighter. "I could not be more happy than I am with you." After about a half an hour or making love, my body was overjoyed. We went back to having sex. He and I went for another hour and a half or so and it just felt amazing.

He had fulfilled my greatest fantasy. I wanted someone to go from having sex with me to just having an intense feeling of love and let it turn to making love. I had always just had sex until then, Keith wanted to say it was making love but he was just fucking me. Ed's emotions flowed through me and I felt like he could feel how I did. I felt an overwhelming amount of joy, I felt like my heart was mending, I felt like I was closer to him. There was a warm, happy sensation that I noticed all the way in my scalp and my toes. I was so confused at first, that this is what it felt like. I have always wanted to experience something amazing during sex, not just an orgasm or multiple ones I wanted to be happy with everything and be free. I wanted to throw my inhibition to the wind. And I did that. I was on top, the position I was always afraid I was bad at and I achieved my greatest fantasy. Wow, just wow. I wish I could elaborate more and explain it but I still find it hard to believe.

Message to Ed

Ed,

Wow, how do I start this? I have been so distraught about everything that I think I have given myself a permanent headache. It hurts to know that I called my mom to tell her how excited I was about you. I got the courage up to tell her about Charlie and everything that was going on and when I called she wasn’t even happy to hear my voice. She asked if I had a job yet. And asked how Charlie was. I told her straight up he was gone. She wanted to know where he was and if he was okay and what I had done to him. She told me I was worthless. That I couldn’t keep anything, a job, school, a boyfriend. Baby, that hurts. I told her I had found someone great and she was like, Ok. It hurts baby. I laid in the bathtub for 3 hours and I cannot fathom why someone would treat me like that.

I used to run track and play sports to show them I was athletic, I did academic team got good grades to show them I was smart, I did color guard, FFA, poi, dance, photography (etc) to show that I was talented, I did pageants to prove I was pretty. And every time they shot me down.

At my first pageant my mom took me backstage and told me that it was an embarrassment to see me get up there and dance because she would be the laughing stock of the city. That I was not even close to pretty enough to be in pageants. I got an offer to go to the Miss KY pageant she told me I was too fat, that my face was ugly, I had huge legs and that I would just make an idiot of myself. It hurt, but I listened and I didn’t do it. I won talent and I tried to tell her that I did well and she told me the only reason I got it is because it was the only “different” one. I tried to just ignore what she was saying. I wanted to feel good about myself. But every morning when I would get ready she would sneer at me and tell me that I looked like a dumb slut. It got to me.

When I ran track I always ran for me, I wanted to dominate. I wanted to crush and win. I wanted Dad to be proud that I was a runner too. I would come home and tell him my times. I could have run well. I didn’t run right, I ran on my toes. My calves were too thick to get good speed. He was told by Johnny Greene who was 2 places from going to the last Olympics that I had talent that with work I was going to be unstoppable. He told me I might as well quit. I didn’t but it hurt. And I always wanted him to come to ONE meet. Just to see me run. He told me he had better things to do and see. He was at home drunk.
I would come home and just go to sleep. I just let it go. Then I did tennis he came to a match I was so excited. My knee went out and I lost. It was love: love I was about to corner cut the bitch and I slammed my knee into the ground. He just walked away went to the truck and left. He didn’t come see if I was okay. I got up and played another match anyway. I was in no shape to but I needed it. I won. But he wasn’t there. It made me just want to die.

When I got a 4.0 my senior year they told me it was because I took easy classes. I told them I took EVERY AP class the school offered. That I took: AP Calc, AP English, AP Physics, and AP US History (11th grade) I took regular Calc, I took journalism/yearbook I was editor, Spanish II, and Greenhouse. I was a math tutor for 28 sophomores, I tutored seniors, and I helped out my college friends. I used to stay after school when I was off work and go into some of the classrooms where kids were struggling and tell them. It was okay talk to me about what was wrong. Tell me why they had trouble. That they stayed after because they cared they just needed to listen and try. I showed them alternate methods. The teachers loved it. I used to go to the library and help check in books and put them back. I was Academic Team Captain, I was published, I got the only distinguished portfolio in the senior class. And when I would come home, I mentioned things like that to my parents. They told me that I needed to go feed the goats, the chickens, the ducks and the dogs. And the lawn needed mowed. So I would go do it. I would grab 5 gallon buckets and haul water to them. But when I came in they told me I never did “shit” around the house. That I didn’t care about those animals that if it wasn’t for them the things would starve. I got so mad, I would go out there every day and every day they told me I didn’t do anything. I would cut wood for the wood stove, but I never got credit. I helped in the garden, but to them it was like I was never there. It eats me alive inside when I think about the credit that I never got.

I have always told myself to let it go, that in the end they would be sorry. That when I moved they would see how much help I really was. They would see I was so great. And when they came up here my house was too “messy” even though my mom has never cleaned the house in over 3 years. That it had clutter like crazy. The dishes were the only thing that got done once a week. I look at them and I hate them, but at the same time I feel like I have something to prove. I want to prove it was better that I was not an abortion. I want to prove I was worth the bankruptcy. I want to prove I am worth well anything. I bring people home for them to meet and they love them, then when I call they want to know about them. If something goes wrong it is my fault. I deserve to get hit I probably said something stupid. I deserve to be treated badly because I will never stop being a bitch.

And when I try to stop caring what they think and move past it, it backfires in my face. I call to tell them I have moved on that I have found someone amazing. All I get is well what the hell did you do to run him off!? And they tell me how the poor guy I am with now better run and get away from me. They tell me how they never want to see me with kids that they would be the most horrible, wretched things to walk this earth. That I would be a horrid mom. I ignore it and I try to tell myself they are just trying to hurt me. But I let them. I’m done. I have said this once before, and I tried but then I had a voice here at my home telling me that I was stupid that I needed to listen to them and tell them everything. I am done playing their sick mind games. This life is mine. I will make me happy. I do not give a damn if they love me. Let them love Luke, let them love Rob. Let them disown me … they already did so long ago. I never was theirs. Let God help them.

I am ready to be happy. I am ready to stop going into a slump about my life because I will never be good enough. It is hard to not be good enough if there is no one to prove myself to. I have known this, and I have tried but I need support. I have let all the things they have done go past, I did that on my last attempt. I did not forget them but I forgave them. Now it is time to get rid of my want to please them. It is pointless, it is me trying to hurt myself.

Baby … I love you. I needed to write this to get it out of my system. To see it in front of me to let you know where I am at. Do not ever think that you are not good enough. Or that you are in a competition. In my heart there is no competition there is just you. In my mind there is no competition … in my soul there is no competition. In my past there was. When I look at you I see that I am going to be happy, that I am going to be okay. I know you won’t let me forget who I am and you won’t let me beat myself up. You and I are of one mind it seems and I am glad. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my everything. For being the person I think of when I wake up, for being the person that makes me heart flutter, for being the person that calms me with your voice, for being the one person that can call me baby and make me smile. Thank you … for all the things I feel.

I am sorry that I have been in a bad mood and not feeling well lately it has affected my mood. And I can tell it has ticked you off. And when I see that it makes me feel horrible beyond your comprehension. I feel like I have taken a knife and stabbed myself in the heart when I know I have made you upset or made you frown. I love your smile and you. Don’t take it so personally that my parents are them … I’m not anymore.

My Answer

When I looked into myself I realized what was happening. I had always had to work at loving someone, as odd as that may sound. I would like them a lot but I had to work at learning to love them. I felt like I had already done that. But I can't be in love can I ? I really can't be, not this easily. Ok so lets get this story rolling again.

So to sum up the rest of that day, I was there till 10 pm and he asked me to stay there with him. And I told him I would. We went back to his room and talked some more, we started making out again and I ended up on top of him naked. And wow am I glad I did. Now, I'll be honest it wasn't as good as Keith but it emotionally felt better, and it was damn close to feeling better than him. He did everything the way I like it. The next morning we took a shower together and it felt right. I have only showered with Charles and I am very self conscious. He kept telling me I was amazing, and beautiful. It felt really good to hear.

I woke up that morning as he did and I looked in his eyes. They are so beautiful, I know why in High School he got voted Best Eyes. He smiled and said, "Good morning, baby" and I got the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy to have someone look at me so lovingly. I knew that this was going somewhere. And I was right.

When he dropped me off he was going to go home and ride his motorcycle (which is pimp btw) because it was pretty out. He texted me a lil later and asked how long it would take me to get to a certain area of the city. I told him by foot about 15 minutes. He asked if I wanted to see him, and I told him of course. So we met at the closest store in the area. I ended up hitchhiking for the first time ever. And it was nice it was a guy who was very generous and helpful. So it cut my walk down by 5 minutes. He was there on his bike and we just walked around and talked. It was a really good feeling, to be holding his hand and walking around. I didn't even care where we were I watching him and smiled. He asked me, "So are we dating?" And I told him, "If you would ask." "Well what would you say if I asked?" "Yes" "Well we're dating then!" I was so happy. I didn't think about it though, Charles was still in the house. So I had to make some good decisions. He finally said he had to go. I told him I was gonna walk back, he told me it hurt that he couldn't take me home. But I didn't have a helmet and I knew that no one rides without one. I wouldn't have gotten on without one anyway. So I told him I would find my way to not feel bad. I could still tell it was killing him. But I told him to get home and relax to not worry a bit about it. I watched him ride off and I just smiled. I really really could see myself with him.

I called Charles and asked if he would give me a ride, that rush hour had hit and I really would have trouble crossing the 4 lane highway. He didn't want to but he came. There was a lot more tension. When we got home. I sat and thought what I wanted. And I told him I thought it would be best if he left. That it was just tension between us. I have an excerpt from the break up.

Me says:
Charles ...
Charles says:
What?
Me says:
Stop acting like that
Me says:
This is how you push me away
Me says:
And I won't put up with it
Charles says:
Fine.
Me says:
.....
Charles says:
I guess we're done then.
Me says:
Ok.
Me says:
I want you to know I love you still but I think that we just push each other apart more than anything
Me says:
It kills me inside.
Charles says:
It was bound to happen.
Charles says:
I should have just left that night.
Me says:
I'm sorry for all the shit I have done.
Charles says:
I wouldn't have to deal with all this bullshit.
Charles says:
I can't be with someone with shitty morales.
Me says:
Charles ... please just do not be pissed at me. I still love you to death but it kills me to be pushed away.
Me says:
I am sorry that I have shitty morals.
Me says:
It is so hard for me now to be around you because I feel like you do not want me around ... and I have felt it since we last fought.
Charles says:
I'm going to do my laundry tonight and maybe have steve get me tomorrow.

That night he cried for hours, he hugged on me and called me baby. But he never asked to stay. He told me he would still pay his half of the rent because his name was on the lease. I felt so bad for him because I really saw how much he still loved me. He wanted to grow old with me, and be my husband. But it was not meant to be. Too many mistakes had happened now. Too many things that neither of us could forgive. He told me he thought maybe one day we would be back together I told him no. That this was the end, and that he needed to understand that. That I loved him and that he was great but it was not going to work. He could never trust or respect me again. And nor could I for him. I slept with him for one last night, I stayed in his arms it felt good but I knew it was the end. I cried too because I had gotten used to him being there. The next morning he scrapped his car, and Steve came and got him. He hugged me good bye and told me he loved me, that I would be ok. To be strong. I looked him in the eyes ... he was crying. I let a tear roll down my face and he was gone for good. I was hard. His cat would not come out to say bye and it really hurt that she was so upset with everything. I cried for her and me cause I do not know what I am going to do. I am recently unemployed, I have little to no money, and well I have a lease till June 30th. I have all kinds of applications in but no one is calling.

Ed told me to go to a temp service and I am going to today.

Ed came up after Charles left. He brought me a chain lock. He wanted me to feel safer, and he wanted me to be protected. I thought it was really really sweet of him. He did not want anything to happen to me. He put it on for me when he got here. I felt better when he was here. That hole in my heart felt like someone had patched it. He held me, I could tell Ed knew it was hard on me to see him go. But he was here for me now. And I am so thankful for that. He and I watched movies and listened to music. I made him and I some food and we just had an enjoyable time. We got intimate again. And he took me to the bedroom. It started out as just sex, and then he pulled me to him and kissed me. He started to so very slowly and passionately. He told me he could feel himself falling bad. That he couldn't believe his heart. I looked him in the whole time, and my entire body felt amazing. He looked at me again and asked, "Did we just got from having sex to making love?" and I told him that we had. He stared into my eyes and I could feel my heart falling more and more. He held me close and told me that he wasn't just falling that he had already. My heart sputtered and I kissed him. We sat up and he held me so tight as he kissed me. When we were done he stared in my eyes and nothing had to be said I knew he had been feeling the same things I had been. When he went to lay back down I held the back of his head and he smiled. He means the world to me. I have never had someone actually make love to me like that. It was just sex, I only felt it as sex. My mind, my heart, my sex drive all felt it now. We started to go back to having sex and I paused a moment. He touched my face and had his thumb behind my ear, he told me he had never been like this before. And I told him that I always had to work on loving people then he stepped into my life and it was like I already loved everything about him. He rolled me over and we continued to have sex. He stood up on the floor and pulled me to the edge by my hips and I thought the orgasm Keith gave me was strong this on literally made my legs go numb. I was laying there and I couldn't walk for 5-10 minutes. He was like "I didn't slip your vertebrae did I?" Hell he could have but it felt GOOD. haha After, he held me and rubbed on my back. We talked about what we said. I guess to make sure it wasn't the sex talking. I was glad that we did talk about it again. We get dressed and he and I took my rental movie back. And picked up a few things for dinner. I made french toast and biscuits. He used my phone to call his mom. I heard him in the other room telling her that I was the best thing to happen to him. That he was so happy with me. I almost cried. Then he brought the phone in and told me to introduce myself. I talked to her and I could tell she really liked me. And even more when he was saying something about smoking and I told him he didn't need to smoke. That he needed to quit. He was really proud of me. I felt so amazing when he did that. It really solidified the relationship. We are going up to meet her Mon -Wednesday. I can't wait she seemed really nice. He sang to me again. We sat in the floor he held my chin and sang to me and kissed me between the lyrics. It just felt so so right. Everything is great. Even though my world is falling apart, he is here to hold me up and help me. As I am for him.

I really hope this all works out. Feeling like this makes me just want it so much more.

Hectic - OSITY

WOW, so if you have been keeping up with my blog you can see there is a wide array of men that I have "options" from. And a lot of things that been blowing up lately. And get this ... I was right to keep my guard up on Keith, he is a douchebag. He tried to hook up with my friend the night that I got home from being with him, he hasn't called, he hasn't messeged me he hasn't anything ... so I guess I just got good sex out of him. And that sucks because I really have not had sex with anyone that I did not have a relationship with till recently. And I haven't really felt good about myself about Jo and Keith because I feel like I have done something that I not necessarily did not want to but with people that I did not love or feel so connected with. Keith made me feel amazing, and I really hoped he was serious but I knew in the back of my mind he wouldn't be what I wanted or that he wasn't I just did not know. And I was right. That is fine though, I learned from it and I will watch out from now on. So moving on.

At the same time I was talking to Keith I met another guy named Ed, he was handsome ... funny ... you know a lot of those things everyone notices. But he never talked sexually to me, he always said I was beautiful and not hot. He really sparked my interest. He is educated, but had a rough background, he can do about anything really ... like me. And I like that. He can work on cars, do math, write well, have a good conversation ... and all that it was very nice. I couldn't wait to talk to him when he got on and I would spend hours just chatting. So I called him. And he has a voice that shot straight to my heart. Deep, refined ... wow!! I just loved it and I told him. So last night I decided to meet him. Actually very early in the morning. I met him with my friend and she dropped me off. He drives a standard, and it has an amazing stereo system in it. I asked him about it he told me he used to build systems for shows and competitions and stuff. He and I talked and he just lit up my face. Which is not easy to do. I am a very straight face person. And he just made me smile. And he got my sense of humor and had it too. Let me first put not one person I have met, friend or foe has got my humor and returned it at me. I was so damn excited over that. If nothing else came of it then I at least had like a new best friend. Haha. So we headed back to his place, and were watching movies. We clicked. I felt like I had known him for years and that we had dated for years ... it was crazy. I did not know what that was about. And then he looked me in the eyes and said what I had been thinking. "You know it feels like I have known you ALL of my life, and that we have dated for four or five years, I have never been so comfortable with a person. Not even my ex fiance. Which is crazy cause that was 3 years of my life I knew her." (Yes I knew about that incident in advance, they dated over 3 years and then she just started ripping his heart out and trying to hurt him and break his confidence. Because she cheated on him.) And I felt something in me. I had to ask myself what it was, and I did not believe my answer.

Wow, things are EVERYWHERE.

Wow, yesterday really made me think my life is a soap opera. Lets start from the beginning.

February 21

I get online and I am checking my email and messages. A guy we'll call Keith pops up and is like, hello. And I talk to him a little bit. He goes to the college that I do (well I am off this semester) and he is a senior. He used to be a Finance major/Economics and is now a CNA. So that told me he was good with money and that he was caring. And I got a little more interested in him. So we chatted and he told me he really felt like we could get along. I believed that myself. He told me he just really could not find a decent girl that was looking for the same aspects as he was. And I told him that guys just treated me like shit, and no one was worth my time. Well, that conversation went on and we decided to meet for coffee the next day. And I felt good about that. I wanted to sit down and see if there was someone that could make me feel happy about everything really. But I expected that maybe he was just some horny college guy or a plain douche. Just to keep myself from getting too excited. He gave me his number and told me to call him when I woke up.

February 22

So I called Keith and instantly I loved his voice. He had a tone that made me listen and made me smile. He had a great disposition and he loved my crooked humor. He made me smile a lot. I had already gotten ready before I called him. I was waiting on the bus to go down to campus. I told him that I was "letting a friend borrow my calculator" (It is already loaned out). Because I didn't want him to think I was going to campus just to make him pick me up. lol. He told me to let him pick me up on campus and to hang out with him all day. Not just go get coffee. It sounded fair. I told him we would see. Keith was very understanding and told me anytime I needed/wanted to go home just tell him and if I didn't want to stay all day just tell him at anytime. He was quite serious. So I gained a lot of respect for him.

I had told Charles I was going to the mall for the day to get out of the house, he didn't really care we hadn't been talking a whole hell of a lot since that last episode. And I just needed out of the house anyway.

So Keith calls me back and asks where on campus I was, and I told him the student center. I had already made him laugh when he picked up the phone I was taking a drink and he goes, "You're eating aren't you?" and I told him, "No but I have a brownie in my pocket." He laughed so hard at me. Oh and to explain it I had bought a brownie and an Ale 8 and I decided to save the brownie. So I put it in my jacket pocket. Yeah I know weird but that is the type of person I am. BTW I ate that brownie last night it was pretty good. Ok moving on. So he tells me he is leaving and coming to get me, he stays on the phone the whole time and I tell him to meet me in the parking lot. He was driving a black Nissan Altima, it was in great condition. I could tell he was a great guy as soon as I opened the door. He was a safe driver, a good conversationalist, and shortly later ... a magnificent kisser. He held my hand in the car and we drove around talking for a while. He took me to the park and we drove around and we told stories and just really enjoyed ourselves. He showed me where he used to live and where he was looking at getting a home of his own. He told me he wanted to work at the Shriner's Hospital to work with the children. I was really absorbed in the conversation. We went and got some food and talked some more and he asked where I wanted to go. I asked him if there was anything he needed to do that day. He told me laundry. So I told him I would help him if he really badly needed to. So we headed to his place.

He lives on the nice side of town, in a duplex style apartment. It was one of the ones I dreamt of having ... when I moved up here. I ended up in the ghetto though. His style inside was a LOT like mine. I found it funny that we really had so much in common. He and I sat around and watched TV and continued to talk. He told me he was really shocked that people didn't treat me right. But he also said he had gotten his share of bad girls too, that he couldn't spoil or treat right because they took advantage or wanted to be treated bad. I really started to realize how much he liked me. He stared in my eyes, his were emerald green and breath taking. He told me that he believed in fate and that I had gorgeous eyes. He gave some of the most genuine compliments I had ever heard. He would say them and you could tell it was just what he had on his mind not some dumbass line. He played in my hair and cuddled with me and we kissed. I really wanted him. It was crazy, but I tried to mask it. I could tell he wanted me too. He had the softest hands and lips, and I found him on top of me passionately kissing me on his couch. I knew what would end up happening. I felt him through his jeans as he started kissing on my neck and I started to close my eyes in pleasure.

So yeah if you aren't 18 do not read past this point.

It was so different to me that he could actually hold a conversation with me when he was making love to me. I have never had some one talk to me and look me in the eyes like he was. It wasn't just about what was going on, or about just small talk it was about what type of a relationship he and I wanted . He asked me about my sexual history while he was taking off my shirt, and about if what was happening was OK, each step of the way. He told me not to let him push me any further than I found comfortable. He asked me if I would be his girl, only his. I told him I would love that, he told me he didn't tolerate any other guys in the picture. To not tell him yes and then go out and find someone else. Told me he wanted something serious. I told him that I don't do that and that he better be serious. He looked me in the eyes and I knew he was. He told me I was his baby then and that he was mine. He got me to the point I had nothing on and he started playing with my clit. Which ... well works quite well for me. He took out his dick and while kissing me and holding my hands he started rubbing my clit with it. Which just made my wanting it worse. He slid it in, and I have actually never had someone do that with no assistance. I could feel he was THICK. It had to be the best I have ever felt. He somehow, mirrored everything that I loved in bed without ever breaking off the conversation we were having. He rode me for hours. I orgasmed quite a few times, but the last one actually made my legs and spine quiver and my knees started to almost thrash violently. When it was over he smiled at me and asked, "Has that ever happened before?" ... And I looked at him dumbfounded and told him it hadn't. I asked how he did that, how he matched everything I have ever wanted in sex without asking or knowing anything about my sexual preferences ... he told me, "I have a good partner." I laughed thinking he was joking. He looked at me confused when I laughed and told me he was serious that everything I did was amazing. That we definitely had a good sex life ahead of us. He held me and rubbed my back when we were done, he asked me if I was sure I was ready for something so serious. He told me he wanted a relationship for a long time that could possibly after a few years could lead to marriage, that he wanted to know how many nights I would stay with him, or stay at his house . I told him I wanted to be there almost every night, that I love his company and would love to cook for him when he got home. He hugged me close and I felt his eyelashes close as he kissed the top of my head. "You're the best thing that could have happened to me." I looked at him. I was being very skeptical and wanted to make sure he wasn't playing me. I still am making sure, I am not just going to fall for him and find out he is a player.

So I might have something or I might have nothing.

Bloody Tears

Well, Charles finally did it he started acting bi-polar. It is eating him alive to stay and try and love again with a broken heart. He is trying to be his old self and the new is lashing out. He yells sometimes for no reason at me. And then it came to a head.

He was being a total ass, and trying to make out with me when I wasn't in the mood then he forced it on me and I bit his tongue. Mind you nothing too bad, like I put pressure on it. Nothing too hard. He flipped out and smacked me in the nose ... it bled. I was upset with him and when I looked at him to see if he was shocked or upset. He smiled. He wanted to see me bleed. My nose hasn't bled since my dad backhanded me in the face 3 years or more ago. I got mad but was upset. I told him I could call the police if I truly wanted to. That there was physical abuse now. The sink had blood all over it 3 different times. I finally actually took a picture just in case as proof. He got even madder and threatened to leave because I told him he could be arrested or fined.

I told him if he ran off I had his license plate number, his information and I also know that he has no insurance on his car at the moment. I know a lot of things that he could get busted on. To go ahead ... step out of the house ... that I WOULD call if he left. He was infuriated. I didn't intend to call anyone but I was telling him what he had done. He stayed and I walked to a resturaunt to eat. I needed to clear my head.

I got back and he acted like NOTHING happened I don't get it! What is with him? !

Charles has royally and utterly confused me!

Back to the Present

Well, I haven't blogged in a while. A lot has been going on so lets try and condense it into one smaller post than my others.

After the whole incident was over, Charles decided to stay right? To be completely honest I let him stay so I had a longer time to work everything out. I had been researching online about IF I went to Vegas. I had been looking into tickets, how to get the cats there, shipping prices for my things ... HOW I would get my furniture and heavy items to my parents' house. Things like that. I also looked at if I pursued Jo. That was a dead end. He was now more interested in the sex than the relationship. So I cropped him out of my picture. I talked to him casually a few times but he just kept wanting to come over and everything and he can't because Charles is here. And Jo doesn't know that.

So it is very very confusing ... like always.

I have thought out a plan IF I decide to leave. And I feel horrible for thinking it but if leaving is best sometimes I guess we have to do ugly things. I would put my things in storage with the story that me and Charles are going to move. Like he wants to. And I would ship some of my things to Vegas ... this he wouldn't know about. It would be the things I need mostly. And the things for my kitties. Then we would tell the landlord, etc. Then one night I would catch a flight ... with the cats and my laptop. Leave him with the dirty work. Period. It is a HORRIBLE thing and I can't seem to pull myself to do it but I also can't decide if it is the best thing for me to leave.

I talked to Dave the other night on the phone, he told me that his offer was always there. That he understood I needed to get things taken care of that he was foolish for being upset but was caught more in the moment than anything. He just wanted me to get away from Charles. We talked about what I wanted, he listened and never interupted me but I could actually hear his smile and I rambled on and told him I wanted someone dependable and strong, someone that is decisive, but open minded. Someone with morals and with a big heart. I told him a lot that night and he didn't ever say anything about it he just listened. When I asked him what he thought, he gave me an answer that I secretly wanted to hear. That he could never tell me what is best but to weigh the factors that are holding me here and the ones that are there. If it is better to move ... then do it. If it is better to stay then re-evaluate and if the same answer was true then stay and figure it out. I was amazed that he was so honest. He told me that family would be the hardest thing to leave. But it was easier for him and he told me that there was times when he was in Guam, Korea, Saudi Arabia and other places that he just wanted to pack up and leave to go home. He told me that he held it out and he was greatful he did. He made the right decision to stay in the military and to stay. His family is military and he was used to his father not being there, he knew that it wasn't hard on his family for him to be gone it was hard on him because everyone seeks a place called home. He told me if I got there and hated it to just go back. Restart where I left off. And it really made sense.

As an Aquarius I don't really listen to advice, I hear it but I judge the best for me off of my decisions and thoughts. There really isn't a way to influence my thoughts. And no I am not a big zodiac follower but I am very much an Aquarian. I fit it almost to a tee, but of course some of it is bogus. Well a lot of it is. Probably most of it but it is something that does describe me pretty well. I found something the other day that fit me VERY well -> Zodiac I was sorta shocked especially about the legs part. I was a track runner and I have very muscular and strong legs. Most of that is probably a big crock of shit, and almost all of it fits my personality and characteristics.

Ok enough on my views on Zodiac. But I realized that he was one of the first people to tell me something that I underlyingly wanted to hear. I expected to hear him say and convince me to go to him. Because people are stubborn and they are selfish ... but he proved me wrong he showed me that there are other people that think and express like me. I always tell my friends what they don't want to hear. Life isn't a farie tale and most likely, they will wonder around looking for something and finaly settle for something far from it because life can not be anticipated. You must take the things that are given to you and not necessarily like it but use it to your advantage. When you have everything all mapped out your way you will be disapointed. I tell them this because they will not hear me till things happen that they cannot control, and they cry they are scared and they think about something they heard. Most times it is a voice of reason telling them life will take them by the throat and take them where IT pleases to stop acting like they have reigns on it. But I was so relieved to hear someone say that to me. I remembered it and I listened, I really listened. IT was great.

A Walk into the Past

Where do you really start this? This journey to the past is really just a matter of picking a story and writing. Right? I like the present but you have to know the past to really understand the choices that are made today.

Lets start in 1999. We'll see where it goes from there.

February 2, 1999

I had just celebrated my birthday at my home with my family and some friends. My parents told me we would be moving in the summer. I asked them if they could at least let me graduate the 6th grade. Where they wanted to take me, 6th grade was middle school not elementary. I really wanted to see myself in the whole ceremony. I just wanted to finish one school with all my friends. They told me no. That when my oldest brother graduated in June that we were leaving. We were going to the farm, 200 miles away.

I loved the farm but, I just really didn't want to LIVE there. I didn't know anyone and the old house was gone.

A few years before we had got a call in the middle of the night. It was a close friend of my mom's. "The house is on fire." Mom looked around like she was crazy. She told her it was okay we were in it. She said it again, "The farm, the old farm house is on fire.... it almost gone." I could see my mom's heart was ripped out she screamed and dropped the phone. She was in panic. I was sitting in the rocking chair a little confused. She ran out to the garage where my dad was screaming and crying. He couldn't understand the words coming out of her mouth. He for the first time in his life had to smack her to get her to breathe and talk to him. They had come back in before this happened. She told him what was said. We called back and found out that the 100 year old home built by my family was arsoned. My grandmother was born in that house, raised in that house and it was 200 miles away. It was in an area where no one would know till it got bad. We knew that it was gone. The city didn't have but a Volunteer Fire Department and they weren't reliable. She looked at me and cried more. There was a trunk from her great grandmother filled with my and my oldest brother's baby clothes. Everything in the house was antique. The house had newspaper for insulation, it was very nice. I thought about my room, upstairs. It faced the pond, the sun would rise on one side and set on the other it was the best view the house had. But I knew by then ... it was gone. I started to cry thinking about the times we would go down there and spend time. We went almost every weekend to spend time. And now ... the house was gone. We had 100 acres with no shelter just some old tool sheds. Little did I know what was going to happen later on.

So now about two years later my family is telling me we are moving to the farm. I asked them, "What are we going to live in?" I should have known. The biggest tool shed. I told them no, that the house we were in now was great I loved having a room and heat, I enjoyed the phone, the Internet ... all of it. I didn't want to go live in a shed that had a temporary electric pole attached to it, no phone and no heat. How would we live? Where would we get water. The pump from the well to the house was burnt up and no lines had been ran anyway. They were set on going. I told all my friends what was going to happen. They didn't believe it. We thought my parents would come to their senses. Living in the country, in a shed ... no electricity or water ... that wasn't right.

June 13, 2007

This was our second attempt to leave for the farm. The first time the trailer tires got punctured and couldn't make it over 15 miles. It was two days later, the tires were replaced. My mom and I headed out for the farm. Dad decided to come later. He needed to sell our house, and get some money together. The whole way there I had a Siamese meowing his heart out in my ear. There was 4 cats in the car. A Manx, 2 mutts, and a Siamese ... So you heard MEEEERROWWW, and MAH MAH coming from the back of a little Pontiac Horizon. The other 2 loved car rides and slept in a make shift cage. They were actually in a box trap together because we only had two carriers. They slept the whole way there. How I don't know. I WISH I could have.

We made it there, barely. The little car was on its last leg. We unpacked and got the shed ready. It had been emptied out when we went down there in the spring. The first night was weird. I had both mutts with me. Trouble and Duchess. Trouble slept like he always did, down my stomach. Duchess was on my feet. I heard the crickets louder than ever. I cried that night... I couldn't believe I wasn't going back. The roof had holes in it, well really it didn't even have a roof on one section. We expanded it to make "rooms" with no doors. It was in progress. That section was my room... I had slept in it once when a freak snow storm in March came though. That was a night to remember. I had a golden lab under the blanket cuddling with me. But, this night I just felt bare and almost extraterrestrial.

That summer was a bad year. It was a drought. And mom wanted to have her garden of course so we had to haul water to the garden in 5 gallon buckets. The cats learned to accept the farm. Trouble and Duchess had been their before. The other two were house cats their entire lives, Seldom and Slinky. They wondered outside and ended up loving playing in the fields and the outside. They didn't roam much. They stayed on the farm for the most part.

All summer I just wanted to go home. A friend of mine came down and visited for a while. But it wasn't the same. I wanted to be in the city. I wanted to see cars, I wanted to see people, I felt like I was some lab rat. Like I was being held in a variable-less jar to see something. I got depressed when I moved. I hated life at that point. I would have done anything if I could go to sleep and not wake up. But I woke up every morning. I spent time in the woods trying to understand why life was never going my way. It never became apparent to me. It took a long time for me to understand. I started gaining weight. I left and was 98 pounds and very athletic, by August I was 170+ pounds. My mom didn't seem to notice. School started in early August, I hated it. All they did was review. It seemed like they were only interested in learning about how to roll joints and get high. These people were beyond my comprehension. I started losing weight again. I used to to go a school where they pushed us to learn as much as possible and if you finished early you went ahead. These people complained at learning what had to be taught. They had such accents. The teacher one day taught that the way they spoke was wrong then immediatly started talking the SAME way. I told her about it infront of the class. I told her, "It seems that you do not lead by example. You teach this class not to say "yall" and other words yet the moment the lesson ends you ask if, "Yall ready to go on to the next part?" ... How do you expect to change or help a speach pattern when the mentor we listen to talks the same if not worse than us?" ... She hated me from that day forward. She tried to tell me to stop but I interupted her. At this point I could read at a college level. I was quick to learn and I had a good understanding of teaching methods. I felt like it was her telling me not to eat chocolate then picking up a Hershey's Kiss and tossing it her mouth without trying to hide it. Like it was saying yes while shaking your head no. No wonder these students were like that. They weren't dumb at all they were taught wrong. I got sent to the office the next day, they gave me a test I didn't understand it really.

A few weeks later they told me that they wanted to talk to my parents about the results. They wanted to put me in the 8th grade. I was estatic. I told mom when I got home. I could finally be challenged again and I had the chance to jump start my life. Maybe this new place wasn't SO bad. But no ... I wasn't going to move grades because those "kids are way more mature than you.. they are a bad influence on younger kids ... I told them no." I flipped out. I was excited then I was pissed off. I couldn't believe she was so dumb. I know she is a High School drop out but what the f***.

OK .. I have had this blog at this spot for a while and just haven't been blogging a lot. I am going to leave this one where I am at and come back to it later.

Part Three

February 3, 2007

Life has been rough lately, the past few days have broke me down and made me feel like I was dieing. I have so many thoughts running through my head. Sometimes it gets hard to think and remember. I try to remember what all is going on but it gets confusing in my own mind. I want it all to go away, I expect to wake up and everything to be decided and it all be okay. But it isn't. Why isn't there a clear choice or decision? If he leaves, where do I go? If he stays will it be okay? Will I be strong enough to tell Jo that I can't see him anymore? What if I do tell him and my ex decides to leave anyway? Am I strong enough to live on my own? If I have to move where will I go? How will I move? I don't have a license or a car, I don't know anyone near here that I could stay with. I have two cat now and I will keep them with me, but where? And if this wasn't enough more happened.

I get a call from a old friend, (we'll call) Dave. He was interested in me since the day we met. He wanted me to be his girl. He knows that I am the one that will make everything ok. He was born and raised where I live now, but is in Vegas now. He is an Air force man, has been for 8 years. A very respectful man, a very intelligent man, he backed off when he found out I was taken. But he called. I ignored the call at first, I was afraid of what he wanted. I knew that he would complicate things, he texted me asking where I had been and what was going on. I decided later to call him. He deserved to talk to me at least. Three of my friends came over, they were making clothes. Well, two of them opened up a "Drag Factory" in my livingroom. I stepped outside to get some shoes out of the other's car. I sat out there and talked to Dave. He sounded concerned, I told him what happened with me and my ex. He told me to come to Vegas in the morning, to leave. Take one bag with me and come out to be with him. I told him, I have responsibilities here to get sorted out and I was not financially stable enough to purchase a ticket. He told me, he would get the ticket he wanted me out there bad. I explained, I had to get my family's antiques back to them, I had to bring my cats, and I couldn't live with myself if all my things were trashed. What if I needed something years from now and found out it had been trashed? I wanted to move properly. I didn't want to leave loose ends for others to take care of. It is only stuff but it is my stuff, it means something to me. I needed peace of mind. He told me fine, but that he wished I would do something quick. We talked longer and all of a sudden he starts pouting and says,
"I'm just a game aren't I?"
"If you were just a game you would not have my phone number, you wouldn't have my real name, you wouldn't have any REAL contact information on me.... nothing I would have lied. Dave, you wouldn't even have my messenger or myspace to contact me by if this was some sort of game."
He sighed a little, like he wasn't quite convinced.
"Dave, why would I come outside and talk to you? Why would I be outside with it being 22 degrees, with 2 inches of snow, and come talk to you? If this was a d*** game you wouldn't have gotten a hold of me."

We went on talking he tried to talk me into going inside and I told him I didn't feel like being pestered and asked, and all he understood. He felt bad that he called. I told him not to feel bad that I was glad to know he still cared. I asked him why he stopped talking to me for a month. He told me that he never disrespected another person, and that he felt like he was disrespecting my ex by being there for me. He didn't want him being there to put a weight on my decision to leave or not. I told him that I respected him more for that, but he should have at least said hi or something. I thought he got pissed off and left. But now, things were more complicated.

Dave and I discussed wants and needs, I started to explain that I didn't want to project what I wanted before I knew for sure. He told me to tell him what I thought I wanted. I started to tell him, he got a call on the other line and told me not to hang up. I told him I wouldn't I was waiting. Unfortunately my phone started to die and disconnected the call. I had just enough power left to tell him that I needed to charge it. I felt horrible since I knew he thought that I must have hung up to avoid the rest of the conversation. But I didn't I wanted to tell him I wanted someone: strong, that knew what they wanted, that appreciated company, that accepted difference, I want someone that loves me when I wake up in the morning looking like the lockness monster, I want someone that knows that life is a roller coaster, that knows there IS going to be fights but that doesn't mean you don't love, that understands and appreciates culture. I want someone that can respect me, that can enjoy the simplest things, I want a lot. But I really don't want a lot it is simple things, that a man should have in him already. The only things that I require of a man physically are: he is taller than me. Dave is all of those things, but he is in Vegas and I am 1936 miles away from him. I wouldn't have friends there, family there, I would be starting over in a city where I am under aged. Being 19 in Vegas is the worst temptation.

So now I have the option of leaving my ex, and going to Vegas, staying here, living with my friends ... being a bum, dating Jo ...

Or I could stay and hope that the relationship won't turn sour again. But what it the likelihood of that?

February 4, 2007

It is officially my and my ex's one year anniversary, I had just got off the phone with Dave. He walks up out of no where and asks, "How long have you been cheating on me?" I told him I hadn't been that it had happened only since the time he broke up with me. I almost expected him not to believe me, but he did he nodded his head. He was in kahki shorts and was freezing. I asked him why he came out to check on me that I would be ok. He told me that we were not in the best neighborhood and I shouldn't be out in the cold. I told him I had to talk to someone that was nuetral for the most part and see what they said. He asked me why I couldn't just make a decison and not rely on other people. And I told him that I wasn't depending on the words of others but I wanted to hear some input on what others would say. I don't want to be selfish and say stay just so everything is good for me, I want to make an educated decision that is the best for the 2 of us. We sat in a friends car and talked about all the things that were wrong. The little things that bugged me, the way he had pushed me away for months, the things that made me feel like he would do it again. He told me I had 24 hours to decide to tell him to stay or go. We went back in, the Drag Factory was still up and going.

I got online to do my blog, and my last ex Scott got online and was talking to me drunk. He decided that he wanted to drunk call me and wanted my number. I gave it to him and he called. I talked to him for about 20 minutes about some of his drunken experiences. He reiterated all the drunken stories he had told me for months before. So that conversation ended pretty quickly.

I went into the livingroom to see if my migrant worker drag queens had finished their apparel. They hadn't. And I sat around and chatted with them. I picked up a needle and started sewing the things that couldn't be done by machine. They had little experience with things like that so I figured I would throw in some help. As the morning sun started to peek out of its hiding everyone was passed out in my livingroom but me and him.

I went to the bedroom and we talked again. We had to talk he was packing his things and ready to go at the tip of a hat. He couldn't understand why I was taking so long to make a decision. He didn't understand that I had so many questions. He just didn't. We talked some more, and he got upset for the second time. This time he was crying over his past. They finally dug their way out of his chest and surfaced. He told me he missed his father who passed away 2 years before, he missed his sister that was murdered, he hated that his parents were divorced ... he felt like he was living the life of a 40 year old but was only 21. Then there was me. I came into his life in 2003.

Flash Back to June 2003

He talked about the day that we met. I had been a friend to his sister Sam, who had befriended my best friend Renee. So we were all pretty close. I had come up for the summer to visit. We all decided to get drunk and hang out at Sam and his family's place. That night we went into the basement to visit him (which I will now give a name), Charles. He was on the computer and had been drinking as well. Sam went back upstairs because Marie had shown up and wanted to hang out in the upstairs. It was me, Renee and Charles. He played hackey sack and laughed. He showed us some music and he really seemed to have his eye on me. I noticed him too. At the time his hair was very long, almost to his pants line. It was dark, almost black, shiny and straight as could be. He was 6'4" tall and had a mild complexion. I could tell he was Italian. His brown eyes sparked at mine. Finally Renee was so drunk me and Charles had to carry her up stairs to Sam's bed. She fell out but we put her back.

I headed back to the basement with Charles. We talked and laughed. He really had this light in his eyes that gleamed with cheer. He was the quiet type, but not the shy type. He was a little judgemental but he was fun and I liked talking to him. We hit it off but I never thought of him as more. It may have been the alcohol but I just never looked at it more in depth. I was on the Internet, and browsing Charles' music collection when he moved his chair behind mine.

He leaned over my chair, he kissed passionately down my neck. He breathed in heavily and I felt his eyelashes touch my neck as he took in the scent of my hair, the feel of my skin and the feeling inside him. I could feel his heart flutter as he turned my chair around, he kissed down both sides of my neck and nibbled my ear. He kissed my face and then my lips. He bit my lip, he ran his hands through my hair after rubbing up my back. At this point my heart was melting in two. I kissed him back, I put my hands on the back of his neck I ran my fingers through his long hair. He lifted me out of my chair and cradled me into his lap. We kissed for hours, ten to be precise. He rubbed on my back, held my hips and cherished each moment of it. It was amazing. He was in love, I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted to make of this. Was it a one time only instance or would we turn out to do something? I was afraid I would leave back for home and never see him again. And how would I tell Sam, it WAS her brother?!

*****************

He talked about that first night, when I walked into his life. And how he had been going down the wrong path. He was a partier, a druggy and had all the wrong friends. Then he met me, he had never had a girl make him feel like that. He had only had one girlfriend before and he didn't love her. She didn't make him a better person. She just encouraged his bad habits. He got back hold of me after I went back. He couldn't get me out of his mind. He wanted me, he wanted me to be his. I didn't want a long distance relationship and I didn't want anyone that could lose their life so soon to drugs and partying. He cleaned up his act. He never touched another drug and still hasn't. No pot, no acid, no loratabs, nothing .... he wanted me and he wanted to be the man of my dreams. He is the type that doesn't believe in addiction, so it was easier for him than I fathomed was possible. I respected that. But I would never date him. I could not take him being 200 miles away. He never dated another girl. He held out for me. He set his eyes on the prize. Every time I came to visit he would take me on a date. Charles would take me to a movie, out to dinner or out to party if that is what I wanted to do. Only once did I want to go to a party and he took me out and made sure that no one hurt me or bothered me. He was very protective. He liked talking to me. Then, Scott happened. I mentioned him before. He was my boyfriend for a year and seven months. When it ended Charles was there. He wanted to help me pick up the pieces. He helped me through it all.

It took three years till I decided to date him. I started dating him well, a year ago. February 4, 2006. He took me out to a night club and dinner. I had an amazing time even though he was awkward and couldn't dance. I tried to help him out and entertain to him. And I told him, the next morning, Yes I would be his girlfriend. He had done so much for me how couldn't I?

And now to him three years of work was turning into another tragedy.

I felt worse than ever at this point. How could I put this much hurt on one person? He was looking for something stable, and I gave him instability and lies. I told him again how sorry I was. I felt bad for still texting Jo, for talking to Dave and for everything.

I thought when I left that day that it was over forever. I thought that after everything, that the straw had finally broke the camel's back. But luckily. I have the most wonderful person in the world. He wanted me back. He wanted to hold me in his arms, and tell me everything that he could never talk about. He whispered in my ear "Please let me stay, don't let this be the end of us. I want to stay with you. I want to be your husband I want to grow old with you. I want you .... I can forgive you. I want you please don't deny me that." I actually couldn't speak. He was holding on to the back on my neck for dear life and I had my eyes averted to the ceiling. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't give him an answer. I still had to do what was right. I held him and wiped his tears away. He stopped crying. And he laid his head on my chest, closed his eyes and wanted everything to be ok. We fell asleep shortly after. All the drama had made us exhausted. Truly exhausted. I felt like I could not move without falling over.

February 5, 2007

I woke up. We had switched to him holding me to his chest. He had never held me so tight, it was amazing that he was asleep. He told me I had a few more hours to decide if he should go or leave. It made me nervous ... what if I picked the wrong decision? But I thought about it a lot, the entire day ... the rest that I had to consider my options.

It was an hour or so from decision time and I still didn't know what to do. I told him to please let both of us make a decision not just shove it on me. I told him everything that hurt in my soul. He needed to know. He was surprised that I was hurting ... actually .... more than he. I had all the hurt he did and that little bit more. We talked about what would happen if he left, we talked about us taking a week to decided ... apart, we talked about just staying together and seeing if it all would be better. I couldn't decide. I went to make a cup of dark chocolate capachino and he followed me. He looked at me and I knew he expected that answer and then. I told him ....

You can stay .... we can try to work it out if it doesn't work out then you can go. At that point he told me to set down my coffee. He picked me up and squeezed me till I couldn't breathe. He thanked me and told me he would try to do better with everything and try to stop pushing me away. I just hugged him back as he shook me.

We went about for a bit longer and we talked about what we both needed to fix. It felt nice.

But I was hiding one thing. I didn't know still. I wasn't going to run off the other two without absolute certainty. So this whole ordeal was going to continue....