Part Three

February 3, 2007

Life has been rough lately, the past few days have broke me down and made me feel like I was dieing. I have so many thoughts running through my head. Sometimes it gets hard to think and remember. I try to remember what all is going on but it gets confusing in my own mind. I want it all to go away, I expect to wake up and everything to be decided and it all be okay. But it isn't. Why isn't there a clear choice or decision? If he leaves, where do I go? If he stays will it be okay? Will I be strong enough to tell Jo that I can't see him anymore? What if I do tell him and my ex decides to leave anyway? Am I strong enough to live on my own? If I have to move where will I go? How will I move? I don't have a license or a car, I don't know anyone near here that I could stay with. I have two cat now and I will keep them with me, but where? And if this wasn't enough more happened.

I get a call from a old friend, (we'll call) Dave. He was interested in me since the day we met. He wanted me to be his girl. He knows that I am the one that will make everything ok. He was born and raised where I live now, but is in Vegas now. He is an Air force man, has been for 8 years. A very respectful man, a very intelligent man, he backed off when he found out I was taken. But he called. I ignored the call at first, I was afraid of what he wanted. I knew that he would complicate things, he texted me asking where I had been and what was going on. I decided later to call him. He deserved to talk to me at least. Three of my friends came over, they were making clothes. Well, two of them opened up a "Drag Factory" in my livingroom. I stepped outside to get some shoes out of the other's car. I sat out there and talked to Dave. He sounded concerned, I told him what happened with me and my ex. He told me to come to Vegas in the morning, to leave. Take one bag with me and come out to be with him. I told him, I have responsibilities here to get sorted out and I was not financially stable enough to purchase a ticket. He told me, he would get the ticket he wanted me out there bad. I explained, I had to get my family's antiques back to them, I had to bring my cats, and I couldn't live with myself if all my things were trashed. What if I needed something years from now and found out it had been trashed? I wanted to move properly. I didn't want to leave loose ends for others to take care of. It is only stuff but it is my stuff, it means something to me. I needed peace of mind. He told me fine, but that he wished I would do something quick. We talked longer and all of a sudden he starts pouting and says,
"I'm just a game aren't I?"
"If you were just a game you would not have my phone number, you wouldn't have my real name, you wouldn't have any REAL contact information on me.... nothing I would have lied. Dave, you wouldn't even have my messenger or myspace to contact me by if this was some sort of game."
He sighed a little, like he wasn't quite convinced.
"Dave, why would I come outside and talk to you? Why would I be outside with it being 22 degrees, with 2 inches of snow, and come talk to you? If this was a d*** game you wouldn't have gotten a hold of me."

We went on talking he tried to talk me into going inside and I told him I didn't feel like being pestered and asked, and all he understood. He felt bad that he called. I told him not to feel bad that I was glad to know he still cared. I asked him why he stopped talking to me for a month. He told me that he never disrespected another person, and that he felt like he was disrespecting my ex by being there for me. He didn't want him being there to put a weight on my decision to leave or not. I told him that I respected him more for that, but he should have at least said hi or something. I thought he got pissed off and left. But now, things were more complicated.

Dave and I discussed wants and needs, I started to explain that I didn't want to project what I wanted before I knew for sure. He told me to tell him what I thought I wanted. I started to tell him, he got a call on the other line and told me not to hang up. I told him I wouldn't I was waiting. Unfortunately my phone started to die and disconnected the call. I had just enough power left to tell him that I needed to charge it. I felt horrible since I knew he thought that I must have hung up to avoid the rest of the conversation. But I didn't I wanted to tell him I wanted someone: strong, that knew what they wanted, that appreciated company, that accepted difference, I want someone that loves me when I wake up in the morning looking like the lockness monster, I want someone that knows that life is a roller coaster, that knows there IS going to be fights but that doesn't mean you don't love, that understands and appreciates culture. I want someone that can respect me, that can enjoy the simplest things, I want a lot. But I really don't want a lot it is simple things, that a man should have in him already. The only things that I require of a man physically are: he is taller than me. Dave is all of those things, but he is in Vegas and I am 1936 miles away from him. I wouldn't have friends there, family there, I would be starting over in a city where I am under aged. Being 19 in Vegas is the worst temptation.

So now I have the option of leaving my ex, and going to Vegas, staying here, living with my friends ... being a bum, dating Jo ...

Or I could stay and hope that the relationship won't turn sour again. But what it the likelihood of that?

February 4, 2007

It is officially my and my ex's one year anniversary, I had just got off the phone with Dave. He walks up out of no where and asks, "How long have you been cheating on me?" I told him I hadn't been that it had happened only since the time he broke up with me. I almost expected him not to believe me, but he did he nodded his head. He was in kahki shorts and was freezing. I asked him why he came out to check on me that I would be ok. He told me that we were not in the best neighborhood and I shouldn't be out in the cold. I told him I had to talk to someone that was nuetral for the most part and see what they said. He asked me why I couldn't just make a decison and not rely on other people. And I told him that I wasn't depending on the words of others but I wanted to hear some input on what others would say. I don't want to be selfish and say stay just so everything is good for me, I want to make an educated decision that is the best for the 2 of us. We sat in a friends car and talked about all the things that were wrong. The little things that bugged me, the way he had pushed me away for months, the things that made me feel like he would do it again. He told me I had 24 hours to decide to tell him to stay or go. We went back in, the Drag Factory was still up and going.

I got online to do my blog, and my last ex Scott got online and was talking to me drunk. He decided that he wanted to drunk call me and wanted my number. I gave it to him and he called. I talked to him for about 20 minutes about some of his drunken experiences. He reiterated all the drunken stories he had told me for months before. So that conversation ended pretty quickly.

I went into the livingroom to see if my migrant worker drag queens had finished their apparel. They hadn't. And I sat around and chatted with them. I picked up a needle and started sewing the things that couldn't be done by machine. They had little experience with things like that so I figured I would throw in some help. As the morning sun started to peek out of its hiding everyone was passed out in my livingroom but me and him.

I went to the bedroom and we talked again. We had to talk he was packing his things and ready to go at the tip of a hat. He couldn't understand why I was taking so long to make a decision. He didn't understand that I had so many questions. He just didn't. We talked some more, and he got upset for the second time. This time he was crying over his past. They finally dug their way out of his chest and surfaced. He told me he missed his father who passed away 2 years before, he missed his sister that was murdered, he hated that his parents were divorced ... he felt like he was living the life of a 40 year old but was only 21. Then there was me. I came into his life in 2003.

Flash Back to June 2003

He talked about the day that we met. I had been a friend to his sister Sam, who had befriended my best friend Renee. So we were all pretty close. I had come up for the summer to visit. We all decided to get drunk and hang out at Sam and his family's place. That night we went into the basement to visit him (which I will now give a name), Charles. He was on the computer and had been drinking as well. Sam went back upstairs because Marie had shown up and wanted to hang out in the upstairs. It was me, Renee and Charles. He played hackey sack and laughed. He showed us some music and he really seemed to have his eye on me. I noticed him too. At the time his hair was very long, almost to his pants line. It was dark, almost black, shiny and straight as could be. He was 6'4" tall and had a mild complexion. I could tell he was Italian. His brown eyes sparked at mine. Finally Renee was so drunk me and Charles had to carry her up stairs to Sam's bed. She fell out but we put her back.

I headed back to the basement with Charles. We talked and laughed. He really had this light in his eyes that gleamed with cheer. He was the quiet type, but not the shy type. He was a little judgemental but he was fun and I liked talking to him. We hit it off but I never thought of him as more. It may have been the alcohol but I just never looked at it more in depth. I was on the Internet, and browsing Charles' music collection when he moved his chair behind mine.

He leaned over my chair, he kissed passionately down my neck. He breathed in heavily and I felt his eyelashes touch my neck as he took in the scent of my hair, the feel of my skin and the feeling inside him. I could feel his heart flutter as he turned my chair around, he kissed down both sides of my neck and nibbled my ear. He kissed my face and then my lips. He bit my lip, he ran his hands through my hair after rubbing up my back. At this point my heart was melting in two. I kissed him back, I put my hands on the back of his neck I ran my fingers through his long hair. He lifted me out of my chair and cradled me into his lap. We kissed for hours, ten to be precise. He rubbed on my back, held my hips and cherished each moment of it. It was amazing. He was in love, I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted to make of this. Was it a one time only instance or would we turn out to do something? I was afraid I would leave back for home and never see him again. And how would I tell Sam, it WAS her brother?!

*****************

He talked about that first night, when I walked into his life. And how he had been going down the wrong path. He was a partier, a druggy and had all the wrong friends. Then he met me, he had never had a girl make him feel like that. He had only had one girlfriend before and he didn't love her. She didn't make him a better person. She just encouraged his bad habits. He got back hold of me after I went back. He couldn't get me out of his mind. He wanted me, he wanted me to be his. I didn't want a long distance relationship and I didn't want anyone that could lose their life so soon to drugs and partying. He cleaned up his act. He never touched another drug and still hasn't. No pot, no acid, no loratabs, nothing .... he wanted me and he wanted to be the man of my dreams. He is the type that doesn't believe in addiction, so it was easier for him than I fathomed was possible. I respected that. But I would never date him. I could not take him being 200 miles away. He never dated another girl. He held out for me. He set his eyes on the prize. Every time I came to visit he would take me on a date. Charles would take me to a movie, out to dinner or out to party if that is what I wanted to do. Only once did I want to go to a party and he took me out and made sure that no one hurt me or bothered me. He was very protective. He liked talking to me. Then, Scott happened. I mentioned him before. He was my boyfriend for a year and seven months. When it ended Charles was there. He wanted to help me pick up the pieces. He helped me through it all.

It took three years till I decided to date him. I started dating him well, a year ago. February 4, 2006. He took me out to a night club and dinner. I had an amazing time even though he was awkward and couldn't dance. I tried to help him out and entertain to him. And I told him, the next morning, Yes I would be his girlfriend. He had done so much for me how couldn't I?

And now to him three years of work was turning into another tragedy.

I felt worse than ever at this point. How could I put this much hurt on one person? He was looking for something stable, and I gave him instability and lies. I told him again how sorry I was. I felt bad for still texting Jo, for talking to Dave and for everything.

I thought when I left that day that it was over forever. I thought that after everything, that the straw had finally broke the camel's back. But luckily. I have the most wonderful person in the world. He wanted me back. He wanted to hold me in his arms, and tell me everything that he could never talk about. He whispered in my ear "Please let me stay, don't let this be the end of us. I want to stay with you. I want to be your husband I want to grow old with you. I want you .... I can forgive you. I want you please don't deny me that." I actually couldn't speak. He was holding on to the back on my neck for dear life and I had my eyes averted to the ceiling. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't give him an answer. I still had to do what was right. I held him and wiped his tears away. He stopped crying. And he laid his head on my chest, closed his eyes and wanted everything to be ok. We fell asleep shortly after. All the drama had made us exhausted. Truly exhausted. I felt like I could not move without falling over.

February 5, 2007

I woke up. We had switched to him holding me to his chest. He had never held me so tight, it was amazing that he was asleep. He told me I had a few more hours to decide if he should go or leave. It made me nervous ... what if I picked the wrong decision? But I thought about it a lot, the entire day ... the rest that I had to consider my options.

It was an hour or so from decision time and I still didn't know what to do. I told him to please let both of us make a decision not just shove it on me. I told him everything that hurt in my soul. He needed to know. He was surprised that I was hurting ... actually .... more than he. I had all the hurt he did and that little bit more. We talked about what would happen if he left, we talked about us taking a week to decided ... apart, we talked about just staying together and seeing if it all would be better. I couldn't decide. I went to make a cup of dark chocolate capachino and he followed me. He looked at me and I knew he expected that answer and then. I told him ....

You can stay .... we can try to work it out if it doesn't work out then you can go. At that point he told me to set down my coffee. He picked me up and squeezed me till I couldn't breathe. He thanked me and told me he would try to do better with everything and try to stop pushing me away. I just hugged him back as he shook me.

We went about for a bit longer and we talked about what we both needed to fix. It felt nice.

But I was hiding one thing. I didn't know still. I wasn't going to run off the other two without absolute certainty. So this whole ordeal was going to continue....