Back to the Present

Well, I haven't blogged in a while. A lot has been going on so lets try and condense it into one smaller post than my others.

After the whole incident was over, Charles decided to stay right? To be completely honest I let him stay so I had a longer time to work everything out. I had been researching online about IF I went to Vegas. I had been looking into tickets, how to get the cats there, shipping prices for my things ... HOW I would get my furniture and heavy items to my parents' house. Things like that. I also looked at if I pursued Jo. That was a dead end. He was now more interested in the sex than the relationship. So I cropped him out of my picture. I talked to him casually a few times but he just kept wanting to come over and everything and he can't because Charles is here. And Jo doesn't know that.

So it is very very confusing ... like always.

I have thought out a plan IF I decide to leave. And I feel horrible for thinking it but if leaving is best sometimes I guess we have to do ugly things. I would put my things in storage with the story that me and Charles are going to move. Like he wants to. And I would ship some of my things to Vegas ... this he wouldn't know about. It would be the things I need mostly. And the things for my kitties. Then we would tell the landlord, etc. Then one night I would catch a flight ... with the cats and my laptop. Leave him with the dirty work. Period. It is a HORRIBLE thing and I can't seem to pull myself to do it but I also can't decide if it is the best thing for me to leave.

I talked to Dave the other night on the phone, he told me that his offer was always there. That he understood I needed to get things taken care of that he was foolish for being upset but was caught more in the moment than anything. He just wanted me to get away from Charles. We talked about what I wanted, he listened and never interupted me but I could actually hear his smile and I rambled on and told him I wanted someone dependable and strong, someone that is decisive, but open minded. Someone with morals and with a big heart. I told him a lot that night and he didn't ever say anything about it he just listened. When I asked him what he thought, he gave me an answer that I secretly wanted to hear. That he could never tell me what is best but to weigh the factors that are holding me here and the ones that are there. If it is better to move ... then do it. If it is better to stay then re-evaluate and if the same answer was true then stay and figure it out. I was amazed that he was so honest. He told me that family would be the hardest thing to leave. But it was easier for him and he told me that there was times when he was in Guam, Korea, Saudi Arabia and other places that he just wanted to pack up and leave to go home. He told me that he held it out and he was greatful he did. He made the right decision to stay in the military and to stay. His family is military and he was used to his father not being there, he knew that it wasn't hard on his family for him to be gone it was hard on him because everyone seeks a place called home. He told me if I got there and hated it to just go back. Restart where I left off. And it really made sense.

As an Aquarius I don't really listen to advice, I hear it but I judge the best for me off of my decisions and thoughts. There really isn't a way to influence my thoughts. And no I am not a big zodiac follower but I am very much an Aquarian. I fit it almost to a tee, but of course some of it is bogus. Well a lot of it is. Probably most of it but it is something that does describe me pretty well. I found something the other day that fit me VERY well -> Zodiac I was sorta shocked especially about the legs part. I was a track runner and I have very muscular and strong legs. Most of that is probably a big crock of shit, and almost all of it fits my personality and characteristics.

Ok enough on my views on Zodiac. But I realized that he was one of the first people to tell me something that I underlyingly wanted to hear. I expected to hear him say and convince me to go to him. Because people are stubborn and they are selfish ... but he proved me wrong he showed me that there are other people that think and express like me. I always tell my friends what they don't want to hear. Life isn't a farie tale and most likely, they will wonder around looking for something and finaly settle for something far from it because life can not be anticipated. You must take the things that are given to you and not necessarily like it but use it to your advantage. When you have everything all mapped out your way you will be disapointed. I tell them this because they will not hear me till things happen that they cannot control, and they cry they are scared and they think about something they heard. Most times it is a voice of reason telling them life will take them by the throat and take them where IT pleases to stop acting like they have reigns on it. But I was so relieved to hear someone say that to me. I remembered it and I listened, I really listened. IT was great.