The Actual Break Up

I figure I should probably at least shed some more light on what happened between me and Ed.

There is a lot of conversation I am going to cut out and just put in "......"'s to show the breaks. Bare with me. It is still going to be ridiculously long.

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Ed had been telling me he had been trying to get a hold of me all day and couldn't.

(WARNING: This is not spell checked, etc. The names were changed that was it. We both can spell and all but this in an intense conversation. He was at work and I was at home. So the spelling and all the grammar is not exactly there. It was typed as we thought and that is how I left it. So ignore all the mistakes that you can.)

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Ed:: hey i have been trying to get ahold of you all day to talk to you about this so i have come to this conclusion its nothing against you but i have done alot of soul searching and found that i am not ready to be in a relationship at this point in time i am really sorry that it has come to me telling you in an email but i have called on every break but to no avail. once again im really sorry you are a great person and i would love for us to remain friends at least for the time being.
sorry
ed
ME: Why?
Ed: i just explained it to you sweetie
ME: I don't get why you aren't ready ?
Ed: i do love you but i cant do it right now i have to get past my demons before i can do this
ME: I guess I just do not understand. But I'll be here to talk whenever you need it.
Ed: i want to still be friends
Ed: i just cnat do it right now
Ed: im so sorry i didnt want it to be like this
ME: That is fine. I do not think I can chat much ... different reason.
ME: Then why did it !?
ME: Sorry
ME: I'm hurting a lot right now.
ME: You just ripped my soul out of my backbone. I just lost my dream job, trying my hardest ... and I got that call from Charlie and I was okay, I smoked an entire pack of Swisher Cigs last night, and I calmed down finally. Got a lot of rest that I needed to wake up to this.
Ed: THANKS
ME: Sorry
Ed: no
ME: I am honest
ME: I am telling you what I think
Ed: talk to me when you can be civil i feel aweful doing this and then you pull that
ME: Ed.
ME: I am being civil. I am just hurt.
ME: Ok, I'll stop typing as I think because I am sure that does not help.
ME: I need to understand why it is you stepped into a relationship, then decided it not to be the best thing. I honestly cannot fathom that.
ME: What is it that made this decision?

.............................................

ME: I am not trying to be rude by saying this or uncivil, but it hurts more than anything to know you stood here telling people that I was something special.
.............................................

ME: Sorry for being bitter, mad and hurt. What would you do if you woke up this morning and your relationship was assimilated? I got on myspace ... single, facebook single, pof looking .... all before I even got the message. I was a lil pissed at that. Not going to lie.
ME: I understand it now that I have breathed and thought
ME: I'm sorry for acting rashly ...
ME: It was wrong of me to just type something and send it even though I was hurt,
Ed: its ok
Ed: just try to look at it from my point of view
Ed: its been like 6 months since i got out of a 3 year relationship
ME: So is this over her?
ME: Honestly?
Ed: no its over me not being able to cope
ME: I am not sure I get what you are saying.
Ed: ok i thought i was ready but i still feel as if im doing something i shouldntwhen i am with another girl alright
Ed: simply put
ME: Wow. Umm ok.
ME: Never thought I would be thought of as something someone shouldn't do. But that is a new perspective.
Ed: you want honesty
ME: I do
ME: I am just sort of jolted
ME: by that
Ed: there ya go
Ed: ya guys have a concience well at least some
ME: Well, I appreciate your honesty. I am just saying I have never been seen in that light.
Ed: what do you mean
ME: Tell me something. Was I insane when I remember you looking me in the eyes saying you have fallen in love, to have felt it too? Seriously ... should I have just told myself no?
ME: I have never been with someone and them tell me they felt wrong being with me.
ME: That is what I am saying
Ed: OMG
Ed: goodbye
ME: Please no ..
Ed: no
ME: Ed no no listen
ME: I am being serious
Ed: no im done when you called me a liar
Ed: that was it
ME: No you did not lie to me at all
Ed: call me anything but a bitch and a liar
ME: I want to know if I should have told myself to wait
ME: Ed you have never lied to me
ME: I know you have not
ME: I know you love me ... I see it but I want to know if I should have restrained
ME: If I was calling you a liar I would tell you straight out
ME: Do not contort my words.
Ed: do not come at me in that manner trust me you dont want to
Ed: i want us to remain friends and hopefully in time work past this
Ed: but i will not be talked down upon
ME: You aren't
ME: You are an equal
ME: Ok I need to find a way to reword that
ME: I have completely thrown the wrong message at you
ME: I'll have to think of how to reword it. I cannot think of it now. The wheels are turning but nothing is happening.
ME: I am not trying to sound better, higher, anything. I would not call you a liar unless I believed it. You are very honest, and I appreciate that. I just want to know what I should have done if there was something on my part that could have helped You.
Ed: no
Ed: it was that way with my child to be's mother
Ed: not just you
Ed: i dont know what the hell it is
Ed: i guess i never got closure
Ed: i dont know
ME: I undersatand that. I had that once. It took me from March 2005 till February 4, 2006 to find a way.
ME: Now I have closure on that relationship
Ed: i still dont
ME: I understand that. You need to figure out in your heart what it is that you still do not understand, and you need to find your answer to it.
ME: That sounds weird but it is what works
Ed: ya
ME: There is an answer in YOU for closure. She can never give you anything but more questions.
ME: You have that answer. Find it.
ME: That is all I can say on it
Ed: yep
ME: I did not want to find it for so long
ME: But I did.
Ed: i dont know if i want to find it
ME: Wow, I know that feeling. You will never want to find it and end it. But you will never forget what happened and what your answer is. It will make you feel whole again. There is a piece of you that is not completing yourself. You need it to fully love again.
ME: You have to find what it is you want, and then you will find that answer
ME: It may just find you.
ME: I hid it from myself
ME: For so long
ME: I found closure with Charlie quickly because I knew what my answer was. I knew that he was not for me. That even though he wanted me to be his wife, and that I would love to be married and stable that it was not with him. That he needed to go, he needed to live more. his dreams had to be broken to have a better life. he still lived in the fantasy that the first person he loved would be his forever.
ME: And I was that person. It is hard to be the one breaking another's dreams.
Ed: i know it is
Ed: mine was the ones broken
ME: Mine had been. Ed, I'm telling you right now as a friend that loves you more than you will ever understand. You had to have that dream broken. HAD to, not because it was better for you. Not because it was better for her. Not because you weren't meant to be. Because you need the strength to go into this world knowing dreams are .... not reality. They are a dream and that life goes on no matter what happens. You have to know why you wake up in the morning, what drives you to be the best that is you. You have to know what your destiny is.
ME: Anyone that lives there dream is missing out on a whole level of understanding ... they will never know the happiness of themselves.
ME: But that is my answer to things. You may disagree
ME: I hope that you have it in yourself to find an answer. You have a child on the way, it is going to be a beautiful being that will have hopes and dreams and needs someone with a full heart and with a full self, to be strong and be there. A child is innocence, reborn and you are going to have to be there, and know who you are to raise them right.
ME: You are not the only person to benefit from you finding an answer.
Ed: i konw i do i think it will complete me again
ME: That child won't complete you, you can complete you.
ME: You may work toward completing yourself for that child but it is in essence another entity. And no one else can put that piece of your puzzle back in your heart.
ME: I do not want you to be a dad like mine, love one minute, disgust another, I know you won't be. but my dad never found an answer to his divorce.
He hurt a lot from not getting to see his son till he was 7. And when he saw me he loved me because I was his, but hated me because I was an accident, he named me My Rose ... because he cherished me, but he had a split mind. He did not know who he was anymore and he thought he was being loving to me when he was hurting me when he was trying to find that answer. I know in my heart he never meant to hurt me, mom maybe ... he wanted the best for me but it was hell for me because he wanted something full on then he wanted something else.
ME: Sort of like when I look you in the eyes and I feel like you and I have dated for years and loved for a lifetime. But then this happens. It shows Ed, to everyone.
ME: I know you will be one of the most wonderful loving father's in the world. And that you will give that child everything. But you need to find yourself some closure before he or she is born. They were born out of a relationship you could not handle because of this answer. Do not let it come into this world with that question still pending.
Ed: thanks
ME: I want to see you be the best person you can be Ed. I know that piece is within your grasp. If you will let yourself find a reason to get it.
Ed: im working on it trust me
ME: I know it is because when I see you and when you kiss me or even hold my hand I know that you have a lot of love to give and what I have felt is still not all of it.
Ed: what do you mena
Me: I am more intelligent than you think Ed. I can read the heart a lot better than you think. I know that you love with all your heart, but I look at you and I feel you and know that there is something else in you. I have never felt so much emotion and love, but when I close my eyes and take it in, there is one piece missing. The dedication to keep that emotion flowing. You put a damper on yourself around me sometimes.
ME: And it is because that one piece.
ME: You can never have a long term relationship again till you can love as hard as you can all the time.
Ed: starting to notice this
ME: You did the night we met. The night you came up here and made love to me, you did ... until you asked me "Did we just go from having sex to making love". I think you scared yourself. You weren't ready to do that. I think you are, you just do not want to get hurt again. Let me tell you ... the moment you hesitate is the moment that you mess things up. It would be like riding a wheelie and stopping the gas after you get the tire fully up. What is going to happen? You are going to crash.
ME: You caught yourself off guard. You let a wall down that you were afraid for someone to fill.
Ed: tru
ME: Never be afraid to let someone fill your heart with joy, with love, with themself
ME: Find that piece, and tell yourself you are not afraid to love and lose again.
ME: You won't ever lose again if you can do it.
Ed: i know
ME: I don't know if what I am saying is of any help but I hope maybe it is. If you can hear me out and think about it then you have accepted that you need to move on it. You are like me you do not listen to just anyone or hear just anything. If it strikes a cord then you listen, I hope I have. Then at least I know I made a difference to one person in my life.
ME: You know but you are not accepting it.
ME: Like I knew I needed to let my past go
ME: I finally did
ME: I can tell Dad anything now. I do. I called him at work and told him my passion now.
ME: I have never sat down and talked to him about me.
ME: The most passion he has ever seen out of me was the day he put a gun to my 2 puppy's heads and killed them. Then told me he was sorry.
ME: That was nothing compared to the passion I have.
ME: I am not afraid to tell him when I screw up now. I don;t care what he thinks.
ME: You need to find you Ed.
Ed: i know i knwo
ME: You have to find what is stopping you. I know what it is, it should tell you something. The moment you hesitated was the thing you are scared of.
ME: That is where you need to look
ME: I'm here for you Ed. I hope in my heart you will not date someone else till you answer what it is in you. I really hope that you will remember me when you are ready to have another relationship.
Ed: i know you are
ME: I really do not want us to end. I love you, I never thought that I could love someone so quickly. But you are in my heart I let you in here. I never put up the fake wall that is 6 months of a relationship normally. I wanted you to know me.
ME: But you need to be able to do the same.
Ed: i love you too
ME: Not saying that you would, but do not do something stupid. Do not look for someone else to mend you. Please don't. I could never forgive you for that, I could never forgive you if you ran to someone else knowing that you have the answer.
Ed: i wont
ME: Thank you. Ed, I have so much in my heart for you. I am not going to hurt and cry because now I get it. I think you see that I know what I am talking about. I hope you understand that I am here for you. You can come up here and see me any time you want. Drop in and say hi. You can call me whenever. I am here for you. I want to see you be able to love again with full force.
ME: Have a good evening. You are about to be off work. I do not want to keep you longer than you want to be on here.
ME: Or can be on here lol
Ed: bye hun love you still

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It is a lot of conversation, but I have not been mad at him since. And like I said he came up here today, and he kissed me. He told me he missed me, he held my hand. He was only here for 30 minutes but it made a huge impression on me. He proved to me he still was in love. And that I was not stupid to hold on.