Another Letter to Ed

Me and Ed broke up the other morning because he still has not found closure on his last relationship. He and I still love each other, and he still talks to me. We have stayed close like we are in a relationship still. He showed up at random today.




Ed,

Tonight, you really showed me you still cared. I felt so horrible holding back some my feelings because I knew that you couldn’t stay long. I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much I want to be with you. How I can’t do anything without thinking of you. God, I was in the bath tub soaking my knee thinking about when you sat in there with me. I remember how much that meant to me to have you just be calm and cool and be there. To look me in the eyes and kiss me when I was just doing something normal and everyday. I remember thinking how I used to always want someone to just sit and talk to me when I was soaking. Just to be there and break the silence and the monotony, and give me a smile when I was soaking for pain. You did that, and I never had to ask.

You held me the night before my interview and just knowing that you were beside me would have sufficed. But you went the extra distance to make me feel good; to make me feel calm and collected. The little things you do make a huge difference to me. Telling me you thought about bringing me a single rose, it was the thought that was so incredibly sweet that it just put a smile on my face. You may not believe this but thinking about you puts a smile on my face. That just does not happen with me. I am a very somber, very serious, extremely collected person …. Until I get around you. I just lighten up and let my real self come out and I let the world see it. I wanted when you showed up to just hold you tight and cry because I missed you so much. I wanted to curl up in your lap and kiss on you. I wanted to kiss down your jaw and hear the tiny moan and feel the small quiver your jaw makes, I wanted to look you in the eyes and tell you that you mean more to me than anything on this Earth; I wanted to tell you that I want you; in every sense of the word I want you. But I knew that you wanted me to hold back because of your journey to find an answer. When you told me you missed me it made my eyes water, that was all I wanted to hear from you. More so than “I love you” I wanted to know that you missed being here. We spent almost everyday together, and I would love to spend so many more with you. I was hoping to see you again tonight. When you said you were going to see Sissy, I thought maybe I could persuade you to bring your bike over here. And let me see the lights, but even more let me see you. I wanted to hold on to you and never let go. I lost my breath when I kissed you. Because I was so relieved that you pulled me to you like I had wanted to do. When I was rubbing your hands I could just remember the way they felt on my skin and on my neck. I remembered how they felt when you held me tight, or when you ran them over my back.

You are so amazing to me Ed. I do not know what has come over me to love someone so fast, and so intensely. I have never been one to believe in love and first site. I never really said it was not true but it did not happen to me. I never believed in soul mates and all that, but honestly, when you walked out the door today I watched you till you left. I couldn’t break my vision. Under normal circumstances I would have just closed the door and sighed. When I did let the door close, I breathed in deep, closed my eyes. I remembered your smell, I remembered your words, I remembered your touch, and I remembered looking into your gorgeous eyes.

My life has been going to hell, and to be honest normally…. I would actually have gotten suicidal by now. I would just want it all to end. I would want to go to sleep with a bottle of pills in me and never awake. The thought has not crossed my mind. I have told my family what is going on and I have told them that I am working as hard as I can to solve things. I have put in over 200 applications. I checked my emails for the confirmation that I submitted my resume. I have relocated my funds; I have become friends with Charlie. I have done a lot. I am actually proud of how well I am taking everything. I have never felt pride in myself. My abilities on occasion … but at how well I am doing, never. I know that life will go on no matter what and that I cannot worry or I will only cause myself more problems. I have already found some alternate ways of getting temporary funds in the case that I cannot get paid before bills come. I have a friend that will loan it to me. I told him I do not at any time want to HAVE to, but if I feel I put as much effort as I can into finding a job and into getting one, that I will find one. And if it is late in the month then the first paycheck I get I will start paying him back. He told me he would give it to me and I told him no, that if I get to that situation that I will pay him back. No matter what if I have to make payments for a year and a half I will. But I am keeping logical even when I have this much stress.

I have to say honestly, my thoughts of you keep me from being insane. I know that I am the one that changed me to the person I finally wanted to be but it took an influence in my life that I did not have. It took a degree of understanding that I didn’t have before. It is like you came into my life and the person that I wanted to be all my life finally became. I know that ultimately I made it happen and made the decision but I cannot understand what the influence that you had over me was. I cannot comprehend why I could not do it before, why I failed.

Thank you Ed, for being everything that you are. You asked me why you are alive; I personally told you everyone has their own meaning in life. That is true but I also believe that each person is meant to be something to someone else and to help them find more meaning or to find themselves. You have helped me to become what I have been working toward for years. You have helped me learn what real love is. That it isn’t learned. You have showed me that all the passion in the world is in someone’s eyes. I could literally go on forever. Every time that I see you it seems like I find something else to be thankful for, that you just being there makes me learn. I hope that you can understand where I am coming from. I do not know if I will ever be that important to another person on this earth, but I hope that I can be.

I really want to know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. I want to know your inner most thoughts. You seem relaxed when you are around me. You said so on my couch just today that you were relaxing. You also told me that it is hard for you to relax in front of anyone. I hope that maybe I help that. I want to know what you want. I would argue that I need to know, but I can’t say that. I can only know what you want me to know. Your eyes told me a lot; they showed me you still loved me. I also know you would never forgive me if I were to seek out another man to comfort me. And believe me, you are irreplaceable. Do not pull the shit about it has happened before, that was her. I could search this world over and never be fully happy again without you. Maybe someone else let you go, maybe someone else dropped you like a fly, but that someone will never be me. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me you could love someone more than me, then I would believe you. I would then believe that you were not the one for me. But until that moment, when you can do that I will never believe that another person could take your place. I know you thought you achieved nirvana, you dated a girl for 3 years, you got engaged. You had the best you thought. Let me tell you bluntly. She went and found someone else. You were happy, she was not. I know this because I was happy once. Blindly happy, oh I wanted to see myself walking the aisle, in a white gown. I wanted to see him standing there, a big grin on his face ready to take me as his. I wanted to know what it was like to be with him every night, and cook for him every day, I wanted to nurture him and love him with every piece of my soul. You know what (?); he was not as in love or as happy. He thought he was, he thought he loved me with everything. But there was a chamber of his heart that I was not in. And that meant that my bliss was only for what I knew of him. He still seeked something more. That last bit of him he did not know about. He thought I was the best that was going to happen and I thought he had given me all of him. That is what has happened to you Ed. Someone locked you out of them; they let you think you were there. That you were their everything. They found someone else because something was missing. It was in her, there is never anything you can do to open it. Do not act like you can. Do not ask yourself why, because you will NEVER know. The human heart is a mysterious thing. You will know for yourself eventually. I know that I could tell you all day what happened to me and you would listen but you do not want to hear the truth of it. You have to tell it to yourself. I love you Ed. There is not a part of me that you cannot explore, inside and out. I am here giving you my heart. I have never given my heart to someone. But I think you need it more than I. You need the strength and you need to know how open one can be to you. Ask me anything, tell me anything. If you were in front of me right now, I would take your right hand place it on my chest, I would make you feel what is there, and I would tell you it is yours. Use it wisely. I may house a beating heart but the emotional heart that envelopes it, is yours. You need to feel a whole heart. I think you did the day we met. I think you did when you sang to me. I know you did when you made love to me. And it scared you.

You are the best I have ever had. I mean that sexually, I mean that emotionally, I mean that in whatever sense you want to take it. I hope that I can be that for you. I strive for it. You told me when I lost that interview and I said that I wanted it so bad, “Then go get it.” Take your own words and determine what it is you want and “Go get it.”

With love,
Iysis