My Answer

When I looked into myself I realized what was happening. I had always had to work at loving someone, as odd as that may sound. I would like them a lot but I had to work at learning to love them. I felt like I had already done that. But I can't be in love can I ? I really can't be, not this easily. Ok so lets get this story rolling again.

So to sum up the rest of that day, I was there till 10 pm and he asked me to stay there with him. And I told him I would. We went back to his room and talked some more, we started making out again and I ended up on top of him naked. And wow am I glad I did. Now, I'll be honest it wasn't as good as Keith but it emotionally felt better, and it was damn close to feeling better than him. He did everything the way I like it. The next morning we took a shower together and it felt right. I have only showered with Charles and I am very self conscious. He kept telling me I was amazing, and beautiful. It felt really good to hear.

I woke up that morning as he did and I looked in his eyes. They are so beautiful, I know why in High School he got voted Best Eyes. He smiled and said, "Good morning, baby" and I got the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy to have someone look at me so lovingly. I knew that this was going somewhere. And I was right.

When he dropped me off he was going to go home and ride his motorcycle (which is pimp btw) because it was pretty out. He texted me a lil later and asked how long it would take me to get to a certain area of the city. I told him by foot about 15 minutes. He asked if I wanted to see him, and I told him of course. So we met at the closest store in the area. I ended up hitchhiking for the first time ever. And it was nice it was a guy who was very generous and helpful. So it cut my walk down by 5 minutes. He was there on his bike and we just walked around and talked. It was a really good feeling, to be holding his hand and walking around. I didn't even care where we were I watching him and smiled. He asked me, "So are we dating?" And I told him, "If you would ask." "Well what would you say if I asked?" "Yes" "Well we're dating then!" I was so happy. I didn't think about it though, Charles was still in the house. So I had to make some good decisions. He finally said he had to go. I told him I was gonna walk back, he told me it hurt that he couldn't take me home. But I didn't have a helmet and I knew that no one rides without one. I wouldn't have gotten on without one anyway. So I told him I would find my way to not feel bad. I could still tell it was killing him. But I told him to get home and relax to not worry a bit about it. I watched him ride off and I just smiled. I really really could see myself with him.

I called Charles and asked if he would give me a ride, that rush hour had hit and I really would have trouble crossing the 4 lane highway. He didn't want to but he came. There was a lot more tension. When we got home. I sat and thought what I wanted. And I told him I thought it would be best if he left. That it was just tension between us. I have an excerpt from the break up.

Me says:
Charles ...
Charles says:
What?
Me says:
Stop acting like that
Me says:
This is how you push me away
Me says:
And I won't put up with it
Charles says:
Fine.
Me says:
.....
Charles says:
I guess we're done then.
Me says:
Ok.
Me says:
I want you to know I love you still but I think that we just push each other apart more than anything
Me says:
It kills me inside.
Charles says:
It was bound to happen.
Charles says:
I should have just left that night.
Me says:
I'm sorry for all the shit I have done.
Charles says:
I wouldn't have to deal with all this bullshit.
Charles says:
I can't be with someone with shitty morales.
Me says:
Charles ... please just do not be pissed at me. I still love you to death but it kills me to be pushed away.
Me says:
I am sorry that I have shitty morals.
Me says:
It is so hard for me now to be around you because I feel like you do not want me around ... and I have felt it since we last fought.
Charles says:
I'm going to do my laundry tonight and maybe have steve get me tomorrow.

That night he cried for hours, he hugged on me and called me baby. But he never asked to stay. He told me he would still pay his half of the rent because his name was on the lease. I felt so bad for him because I really saw how much he still loved me. He wanted to grow old with me, and be my husband. But it was not meant to be. Too many mistakes had happened now. Too many things that neither of us could forgive. He told me he thought maybe one day we would be back together I told him no. That this was the end, and that he needed to understand that. That I loved him and that he was great but it was not going to work. He could never trust or respect me again. And nor could I for him. I slept with him for one last night, I stayed in his arms it felt good but I knew it was the end. I cried too because I had gotten used to him being there. The next morning he scrapped his car, and Steve came and got him. He hugged me good bye and told me he loved me, that I would be ok. To be strong. I looked him in the eyes ... he was crying. I let a tear roll down my face and he was gone for good. I was hard. His cat would not come out to say bye and it really hurt that she was so upset with everything. I cried for her and me cause I do not know what I am going to do. I am recently unemployed, I have little to no money, and well I have a lease till June 30th. I have all kinds of applications in but no one is calling.

Ed told me to go to a temp service and I am going to today.

Ed came up after Charles left. He brought me a chain lock. He wanted me to feel safer, and he wanted me to be protected. I thought it was really really sweet of him. He did not want anything to happen to me. He put it on for me when he got here. I felt better when he was here. That hole in my heart felt like someone had patched it. He held me, I could tell Ed knew it was hard on me to see him go. But he was here for me now. And I am so thankful for that. He and I watched movies and listened to music. I made him and I some food and we just had an enjoyable time. We got intimate again. And he took me to the bedroom. It started out as just sex, and then he pulled me to him and kissed me. He started to so very slowly and passionately. He told me he could feel himself falling bad. That he couldn't believe his heart. I looked him in the whole time, and my entire body felt amazing. He looked at me again and asked, "Did we just got from having sex to making love?" and I told him that we had. He stared into my eyes and I could feel my heart falling more and more. He held me close and told me that he wasn't just falling that he had already. My heart sputtered and I kissed him. We sat up and he held me so tight as he kissed me. When we were done he stared in my eyes and nothing had to be said I knew he had been feeling the same things I had been. When he went to lay back down I held the back of his head and he smiled. He means the world to me. I have never had someone actually make love to me like that. It was just sex, I only felt it as sex. My mind, my heart, my sex drive all felt it now. We started to go back to having sex and I paused a moment. He touched my face and had his thumb behind my ear, he told me he had never been like this before. And I told him that I always had to work on loving people then he stepped into my life and it was like I already loved everything about him. He rolled me over and we continued to have sex. He stood up on the floor and pulled me to the edge by my hips and I thought the orgasm Keith gave me was strong this on literally made my legs go numb. I was laying there and I couldn't walk for 5-10 minutes. He was like "I didn't slip your vertebrae did I?" Hell he could have but it felt GOOD. haha After, he held me and rubbed on my back. We talked about what we said. I guess to make sure it wasn't the sex talking. I was glad that we did talk about it again. We get dressed and he and I took my rental movie back. And picked up a few things for dinner. I made french toast and biscuits. He used my phone to call his mom. I heard him in the other room telling her that I was the best thing to happen to him. That he was so happy with me. I almost cried. Then he brought the phone in and told me to introduce myself. I talked to her and I could tell she really liked me. And even more when he was saying something about smoking and I told him he didn't need to smoke. That he needed to quit. He was really proud of me. I felt so amazing when he did that. It really solidified the relationship. We are going up to meet her Mon -Wednesday. I can't wait she seemed really nice. He sang to me again. We sat in the floor he held my chin and sang to me and kissed me between the lyrics. It just felt so so right. Everything is great. Even though my world is falling apart, he is here to hold me up and help me. As I am for him.

I really hope this all works out. Feeling like this makes me just want it so much more.