As the Days Go By

I have been so confused lately. I want to think that Ed will come back and that we will be okay but I just have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like he was happy once before and found a greater feeling, now he has to question if he is really feeling that much and if he is if it is the best feeling there is. And I know if he went out even on a short date he would realize that well they aren't going to make him as happy. But I also wonder IF he wants to be happy. I do not think he is wanting to let himself feel so much happiness, like he will forget something else if he is. It is so weird, I just wonder if he wants to settle for less and let me go just because he doesn't believe he deserves me or something.

Yesterday I told him that I wanted him to come up here and see me. He told me he wanted to see me but did not know if it would be best for him to come up here. He did not want to mislead me or anything and I told him I know where we stand. That I would restrain from being all over him that I just wanted the opportunity to see him. He never came last night. He never called ... he never got online. It hurt a lot. But I knew that he was trying to make himself distance himself from me. Like it will hurt less for him to do that.

It is sad now all I want to do is sit down and tell him in person how I feel. And I just keep feeling like he is trying to believe he doesn't care as much as he does. What do I do? Do I sit here and want to call him, do I walk 30 miles to his house, do I just sit here and think!? What !? I do not get it, why can't I just know that he still DOES without a doubt in my mind want to be with me?! That would give me hope, but as it is right now ... I feel like he wants to find an answer and then just leave me in the dust. Is that weird for me to think? That he does not want to be as happy? That he still wants to have that level of emotion that he had with his ex fiance? Help me out readers ... tell me what you all think.