So yeah this post should have came before the other one, but it is still important to me. Enough to put it out of order. lol Well me and Ed have had sex 4 times in total. I mentioned our first encounter. The same night we had a second one. But the one I really want to write about was when he came to my house.
We were having a good time and got into the bedroom and started at each other. In the middle he had me get up on top. I have always felt like I am not good on top but the look on his face and the moans that came out of his mouth told me different. It was feeling, magnificent, he looked me in the eyes every moment and all of a sudden, I kissed him. He held my back to him and stopped the movement. We kissed and he moved slowly pumping inside me. He talked to me, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me he wasn't just falling in love that he had fallen. I told him that I had too that he meant so much to me. The intensity of the emotions flowed through my body. Yet he was barely moving. I just looked him in the eyes and kissed him. He broke the silence, "Did we just go from having sex to making love?" "Yeah ... we did" I started grinding slowly, he sat up and hugged me tight. He looked me in the eyes. "This feels perfect, not the sex ... this ... us. Everything about it." I smiled and threw my arms around him tighter. "I could not be more happy than I am with you." After about a half an hour or making love, my body was overjoyed. We went back to having sex. He and I went for another hour and a half or so and it just felt amazing.
He had fulfilled my greatest fantasy. I wanted someone to go from having sex with me to just having an intense feeling of love and let it turn to making love. I had always just had sex until then, Keith wanted to say it was making love but he was just fucking me. Ed's emotions flowed through me and I felt like he could feel how I did. I felt an overwhelming amount of joy, I felt like my heart was mending, I felt like I was closer to him. There was a warm, happy sensation that I noticed all the way in my scalp and my toes. I was so confused at first, that this is what it felt like. I have always wanted to experience something amazing during sex, not just an orgasm or multiple ones I wanted to be happy with everything and be free. I wanted to throw my inhibition to the wind. And I did that. I was on top, the position I was always afraid I was bad at and I achieved my greatest fantasy. Wow, just wow. I wish I could elaborate more and explain it but I still find it hard to believe.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Message to Ed
Ed,
Wow, how do I start this? I have been so distraught about everything that I think I have given myself a permanent headache. It hurts to know that I called my mom to tell her how excited I was about you. I got the courage up to tell her about Charlie and everything that was going on and when I called she wasn’t even happy to hear my voice. She asked if I had a job yet. And asked how Charlie was. I told her straight up he was gone. She wanted to know where he was and if he was okay and what I had done to him. She told me I was worthless. That I couldn’t keep anything, a job, school, a boyfriend. Baby, that hurts. I told her I had found someone great and she was like, Ok. It hurts baby. I laid in the bathtub for 3 hours and I cannot fathom why someone would treat me like that.
I used to run track and play sports to show them I was athletic, I did academic team got good grades to show them I was smart, I did color guard, FFA, poi, dance, photography (etc) to show that I was talented, I did pageants to prove I was pretty. And every time they shot me down.
At my first pageant my mom took me backstage and told me that it was an embarrassment to see me get up there and dance because she would be the laughing stock of the city. That I was not even close to pretty enough to be in pageants. I got an offer to go to the Miss KY pageant she told me I was too fat, that my face was ugly, I had huge legs and that I would just make an idiot of myself. It hurt, but I listened and I didn’t do it. I won talent and I tried to tell her that I did well and she told me the only reason I got it is because it was the only “different” one. I tried to just ignore what she was saying. I wanted to feel good about myself. But every morning when I would get ready she would sneer at me and tell me that I looked like a dumb slut. It got to me.
When I ran track I always ran for me, I wanted to dominate. I wanted to crush and win. I wanted Dad to be proud that I was a runner too. I would come home and tell him my times. I could have run well. I didn’t run right, I ran on my toes. My calves were too thick to get good speed. He was told by Johnny Greene who was 2 places from going to the last Olympics that I had talent that with work I was going to be unstoppable. He told me I might as well quit. I didn’t but it hurt. And I always wanted him to come to ONE meet. Just to see me run. He told me he had better things to do and see. He was at home drunk.
I would come home and just go to sleep. I just let it go. Then I did tennis he came to a match I was so excited. My knee went out and I lost. It was love: love I was about to corner cut the bitch and I slammed my knee into the ground. He just walked away went to the truck and left. He didn’t come see if I was okay. I got up and played another match anyway. I was in no shape to but I needed it. I won. But he wasn’t there. It made me just want to die.
When I got a 4.0 my senior year they told me it was because I took easy classes. I told them I took EVERY AP class the school offered. That I took: AP Calc, AP English, AP Physics, and AP US History (11th grade) I took regular Calc, I took journalism/yearbook I was editor, Spanish II, and Greenhouse. I was a math tutor for 28 sophomores, I tutored seniors, and I helped out my college friends. I used to stay after school when I was off work and go into some of the classrooms where kids were struggling and tell them. It was okay talk to me about what was wrong. Tell me why they had trouble. That they stayed after because they cared they just needed to listen and try. I showed them alternate methods. The teachers loved it. I used to go to the library and help check in books and put them back. I was Academic Team Captain, I was published, I got the only distinguished portfolio in the senior class. And when I would come home, I mentioned things like that to my parents. They told me that I needed to go feed the goats, the chickens, the ducks and the dogs. And the lawn needed mowed. So I would go do it. I would grab 5 gallon buckets and haul water to them. But when I came in they told me I never did “shit” around the house. That I didn’t care about those animals that if it wasn’t for them the things would starve. I got so mad, I would go out there every day and every day they told me I didn’t do anything. I would cut wood for the wood stove, but I never got credit. I helped in the garden, but to them it was like I was never there. It eats me alive inside when I think about the credit that I never got.
I have always told myself to let it go, that in the end they would be sorry. That when I moved they would see how much help I really was. They would see I was so great. And when they came up here my house was too “messy” even though my mom has never cleaned the house in over 3 years. That it had clutter like crazy. The dishes were the only thing that got done once a week. I look at them and I hate them, but at the same time I feel like I have something to prove. I want to prove it was better that I was not an abortion. I want to prove I was worth the bankruptcy. I want to prove I am worth well anything. I bring people home for them to meet and they love them, then when I call they want to know about them. If something goes wrong it is my fault. I deserve to get hit I probably said something stupid. I deserve to be treated badly because I will never stop being a bitch.
And when I try to stop caring what they think and move past it, it backfires in my face. I call to tell them I have moved on that I have found someone amazing. All I get is well what the hell did you do to run him off!? And they tell me how the poor guy I am with now better run and get away from me. They tell me how they never want to see me with kids that they would be the most horrible, wretched things to walk this earth. That I would be a horrid mom. I ignore it and I try to tell myself they are just trying to hurt me. But I let them. I’m done. I have said this once before, and I tried but then I had a voice here at my home telling me that I was stupid that I needed to listen to them and tell them everything. I am done playing their sick mind games. This life is mine. I will make me happy. I do not give a damn if they love me. Let them love Luke, let them love Rob. Let them disown me … they already did so long ago. I never was theirs. Let God help them.
I am ready to be happy. I am ready to stop going into a slump about my life because I will never be good enough. It is hard to not be good enough if there is no one to prove myself to. I have known this, and I have tried but I need support. I have let all the things they have done go past, I did that on my last attempt. I did not forget them but I forgave them. Now it is time to get rid of my want to please them. It is pointless, it is me trying to hurt myself.
Baby … I love you. I needed to write this to get it out of my system. To see it in front of me to let you know where I am at. Do not ever think that you are not good enough. Or that you are in a competition. In my heart there is no competition there is just you. In my mind there is no competition … in my soul there is no competition. In my past there was. When I look at you I see that I am going to be happy, that I am going to be okay. I know you won’t let me forget who I am and you won’t let me beat myself up. You and I are of one mind it seems and I am glad. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my everything. For being the person I think of when I wake up, for being the person that makes me heart flutter, for being the person that calms me with your voice, for being the one person that can call me baby and make me smile. Thank you … for all the things I feel.
I am sorry that I have been in a bad mood and not feeling well lately it has affected my mood. And I can tell it has ticked you off. And when I see that it makes me feel horrible beyond your comprehension. I feel like I have taken a knife and stabbed myself in the heart when I know I have made you upset or made you frown. I love your smile and you. Don’t take it so personally that my parents are them … I’m not anymore.
Wow, how do I start this? I have been so distraught about everything that I think I have given myself a permanent headache. It hurts to know that I called my mom to tell her how excited I was about you. I got the courage up to tell her about Charlie and everything that was going on and when I called she wasn’t even happy to hear my voice. She asked if I had a job yet. And asked how Charlie was. I told her straight up he was gone. She wanted to know where he was and if he was okay and what I had done to him. She told me I was worthless. That I couldn’t keep anything, a job, school, a boyfriend. Baby, that hurts. I told her I had found someone great and she was like, Ok. It hurts baby. I laid in the bathtub for 3 hours and I cannot fathom why someone would treat me like that.
I used to run track and play sports to show them I was athletic, I did academic team got good grades to show them I was smart, I did color guard, FFA, poi, dance, photography (etc) to show that I was talented, I did pageants to prove I was pretty. And every time they shot me down.
At my first pageant my mom took me backstage and told me that it was an embarrassment to see me get up there and dance because she would be the laughing stock of the city. That I was not even close to pretty enough to be in pageants. I got an offer to go to the Miss KY pageant she told me I was too fat, that my face was ugly, I had huge legs and that I would just make an idiot of myself. It hurt, but I listened and I didn’t do it. I won talent and I tried to tell her that I did well and she told me the only reason I got it is because it was the only “different” one. I tried to just ignore what she was saying. I wanted to feel good about myself. But every morning when I would get ready she would sneer at me and tell me that I looked like a dumb slut. It got to me.
When I ran track I always ran for me, I wanted to dominate. I wanted to crush and win. I wanted Dad to be proud that I was a runner too. I would come home and tell him my times. I could have run well. I didn’t run right, I ran on my toes. My calves were too thick to get good speed. He was told by Johnny Greene who was 2 places from going to the last Olympics that I had talent that with work I was going to be unstoppable. He told me I might as well quit. I didn’t but it hurt. And I always wanted him to come to ONE meet. Just to see me run. He told me he had better things to do and see. He was at home drunk.
I would come home and just go to sleep. I just let it go. Then I did tennis he came to a match I was so excited. My knee went out and I lost. It was love: love I was about to corner cut the bitch and I slammed my knee into the ground. He just walked away went to the truck and left. He didn’t come see if I was okay. I got up and played another match anyway. I was in no shape to but I needed it. I won. But he wasn’t there. It made me just want to die.
When I got a 4.0 my senior year they told me it was because I took easy classes. I told them I took EVERY AP class the school offered. That I took: AP Calc, AP English, AP Physics, and AP US History (11th grade) I took regular Calc, I took journalism/yearbook I was editor, Spanish II, and Greenhouse. I was a math tutor for 28 sophomores, I tutored seniors, and I helped out my college friends. I used to stay after school when I was off work and go into some of the classrooms where kids were struggling and tell them. It was okay talk to me about what was wrong. Tell me why they had trouble. That they stayed after because they cared they just needed to listen and try. I showed them alternate methods. The teachers loved it. I used to go to the library and help check in books and put them back. I was Academic Team Captain, I was published, I got the only distinguished portfolio in the senior class. And when I would come home, I mentioned things like that to my parents. They told me that I needed to go feed the goats, the chickens, the ducks and the dogs. And the lawn needed mowed. So I would go do it. I would grab 5 gallon buckets and haul water to them. But when I came in they told me I never did “shit” around the house. That I didn’t care about those animals that if it wasn’t for them the things would starve. I got so mad, I would go out there every day and every day they told me I didn’t do anything. I would cut wood for the wood stove, but I never got credit. I helped in the garden, but to them it was like I was never there. It eats me alive inside when I think about the credit that I never got.
I have always told myself to let it go, that in the end they would be sorry. That when I moved they would see how much help I really was. They would see I was so great. And when they came up here my house was too “messy” even though my mom has never cleaned the house in over 3 years. That it had clutter like crazy. The dishes were the only thing that got done once a week. I look at them and I hate them, but at the same time I feel like I have something to prove. I want to prove it was better that I was not an abortion. I want to prove I was worth the bankruptcy. I want to prove I am worth well anything. I bring people home for them to meet and they love them, then when I call they want to know about them. If something goes wrong it is my fault. I deserve to get hit I probably said something stupid. I deserve to be treated badly because I will never stop being a bitch.
And when I try to stop caring what they think and move past it, it backfires in my face. I call to tell them I have moved on that I have found someone amazing. All I get is well what the hell did you do to run him off!? And they tell me how the poor guy I am with now better run and get away from me. They tell me how they never want to see me with kids that they would be the most horrible, wretched things to walk this earth. That I would be a horrid mom. I ignore it and I try to tell myself they are just trying to hurt me. But I let them. I’m done. I have said this once before, and I tried but then I had a voice here at my home telling me that I was stupid that I needed to listen to them and tell them everything. I am done playing their sick mind games. This life is mine. I will make me happy. I do not give a damn if they love me. Let them love Luke, let them love Rob. Let them disown me … they already did so long ago. I never was theirs. Let God help them.
I am ready to be happy. I am ready to stop going into a slump about my life because I will never be good enough. It is hard to not be good enough if there is no one to prove myself to. I have known this, and I have tried but I need support. I have let all the things they have done go past, I did that on my last attempt. I did not forget them but I forgave them. Now it is time to get rid of my want to please them. It is pointless, it is me trying to hurt myself.
Baby … I love you. I needed to write this to get it out of my system. To see it in front of me to let you know where I am at. Do not ever think that you are not good enough. Or that you are in a competition. In my heart there is no competition there is just you. In my mind there is no competition … in my soul there is no competition. In my past there was. When I look at you I see that I am going to be happy, that I am going to be okay. I know you won’t let me forget who I am and you won’t let me beat myself up. You and I are of one mind it seems and I am glad. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my everything. For being the person I think of when I wake up, for being the person that makes me heart flutter, for being the person that calms me with your voice, for being the one person that can call me baby and make me smile. Thank you … for all the things I feel.
I am sorry that I have been in a bad mood and not feeling well lately it has affected my mood. And I can tell it has ticked you off. And when I see that it makes me feel horrible beyond your comprehension. I feel like I have taken a knife and stabbed myself in the heart when I know I have made you upset or made you frown. I love your smile and you. Don’t take it so personally that my parents are them … I’m not anymore.
Friday, March 2, 2007
My Answer
When I looked into myself I realized what was happening. I had always had to work at loving someone, as odd as that may sound. I would like them a lot but I had to work at learning to love them. I felt like I had already done that. But I can't be in love can I ? I really can't be, not this easily. Ok so lets get this story rolling again.
So to sum up the rest of that day, I was there till 10 pm and he asked me to stay there with him. And I told him I would. We went back to his room and talked some more, we started making out again and I ended up on top of him naked. And wow am I glad I did. Now, I'll be honest it wasn't as good as Keith but it emotionally felt better, and it was damn close to feeling better than him. He did everything the way I like it. The next morning we took a shower together and it felt right. I have only showered with Charles and I am very self conscious. He kept telling me I was amazing, and beautiful. It felt really good to hear.
I woke up that morning as he did and I looked in his eyes. They are so beautiful, I know why in High School he got voted Best Eyes. He smiled and said, "Good morning, baby" and I got the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy to have someone look at me so lovingly. I knew that this was going somewhere. And I was right.
When he dropped me off he was going to go home and ride his motorcycle (which is pimp btw) because it was pretty out. He texted me a lil later and asked how long it would take me to get to a certain area of the city. I told him by foot about 15 minutes. He asked if I wanted to see him, and I told him of course. So we met at the closest store in the area. I ended up hitchhiking for the first time ever. And it was nice it was a guy who was very generous and helpful. So it cut my walk down by 5 minutes. He was there on his bike and we just walked around and talked. It was a really good feeling, to be holding his hand and walking around. I didn't even care where we were I watching him and smiled. He asked me, "So are we dating?" And I told him, "If you would ask." "Well what would you say if I asked?" "Yes" "Well we're dating then!" I was so happy. I didn't think about it though, Charles was still in the house. So I had to make some good decisions. He finally said he had to go. I told him I was gonna walk back, he told me it hurt that he couldn't take me home. But I didn't have a helmet and I knew that no one rides without one. I wouldn't have gotten on without one anyway. So I told him I would find my way to not feel bad. I could still tell it was killing him. But I told him to get home and relax to not worry a bit about it. I watched him ride off and I just smiled. I really really could see myself with him.
I called Charles and asked if he would give me a ride, that rush hour had hit and I really would have trouble crossing the 4 lane highway. He didn't want to but he came. There was a lot more tension. When we got home. I sat and thought what I wanted. And I told him I thought it would be best if he left. That it was just tension between us. I have an excerpt from the break up.
Me says:
Charles ...
Charles says:
What?
Me says:
Stop acting like that
Me says:
This is how you push me away
Me says:
And I won't put up with it
Charles says:
Fine.
Me says:
.....
Charles says:
I guess we're done then.
Me says:
Ok.
Me says:
I want you to know I love you still but I think that we just push each other apart more than anything
Me says:
It kills me inside.
Charles says:
It was bound to happen.
Charles says:
I should have just left that night.
Me says:
I'm sorry for all the shit I have done.
Charles says:
I wouldn't have to deal with all this bullshit.
Charles says:
I can't be with someone with shitty morales.
Me says:
Charles ... please just do not be pissed at me. I still love you to death but it kills me to be pushed away.
Me says:
I am sorry that I have shitty morals.
Me says:
It is so hard for me now to be around you because I feel like you do not want me around ... and I have felt it since we last fought.
Charles says:
I'm going to do my laundry tonight and maybe have steve get me tomorrow.
That night he cried for hours, he hugged on me and called me baby. But he never asked to stay. He told me he would still pay his half of the rent because his name was on the lease. I felt so bad for him because I really saw how much he still loved me. He wanted to grow old with me, and be my husband. But it was not meant to be. Too many mistakes had happened now. Too many things that neither of us could forgive. He told me he thought maybe one day we would be back together I told him no. That this was the end, and that he needed to understand that. That I loved him and that he was great but it was not going to work. He could never trust or respect me again. And nor could I for him. I slept with him for one last night, I stayed in his arms it felt good but I knew it was the end. I cried too because I had gotten used to him being there. The next morning he scrapped his car, and Steve came and got him. He hugged me good bye and told me he loved me, that I would be ok. To be strong. I looked him in the eyes ... he was crying. I let a tear roll down my face and he was gone for good. I was hard. His cat would not come out to say bye and it really hurt that she was so upset with everything. I cried for her and me cause I do not know what I am going to do. I am recently unemployed, I have little to no money, and well I have a lease till June 30th. I have all kinds of applications in but no one is calling.
Ed told me to go to a temp service and I am going to today.
Ed came up after Charles left. He brought me a chain lock. He wanted me to feel safer, and he wanted me to be protected. I thought it was really really sweet of him. He did not want anything to happen to me. He put it on for me when he got here. I felt better when he was here. That hole in my heart felt like someone had patched it. He held me, I could tell Ed knew it was hard on me to see him go. But he was here for me now. And I am so thankful for that. He and I watched movies and listened to music. I made him and I some food and we just had an enjoyable time. We got intimate again. And he took me to the bedroom. It started out as just sex, and then he pulled me to him and kissed me. He started to so very slowly and passionately. He told me he could feel himself falling bad. That he couldn't believe his heart. I looked him in the whole time, and my entire body felt amazing. He looked at me again and asked, "Did we just got from having sex to making love?" and I told him that we had. He stared into my eyes and I could feel my heart falling more and more. He held me close and told me that he wasn't just falling that he had already. My heart sputtered and I kissed him. We sat up and he held me so tight as he kissed me. When we were done he stared in my eyes and nothing had to be said I knew he had been feeling the same things I had been. When he went to lay back down I held the back of his head and he smiled. He means the world to me. I have never had someone actually make love to me like that. It was just sex, I only felt it as sex. My mind, my heart, my sex drive all felt it now. We started to go back to having sex and I paused a moment. He touched my face and had his thumb behind my ear, he told me he had never been like this before. And I told him that I always had to work on loving people then he stepped into my life and it was like I already loved everything about him. He rolled me over and we continued to have sex. He stood up on the floor and pulled me to the edge by my hips and I thought the orgasm Keith gave me was strong this on literally made my legs go numb. I was laying there and I couldn't walk for 5-10 minutes. He was like "I didn't slip your vertebrae did I?" Hell he could have but it felt GOOD. haha After, he held me and rubbed on my back. We talked about what we said. I guess to make sure it wasn't the sex talking. I was glad that we did talk about it again. We get dressed and he and I took my rental movie back. And picked up a few things for dinner. I made french toast and biscuits. He used my phone to call his mom. I heard him in the other room telling her that I was the best thing to happen to him. That he was so happy with me. I almost cried. Then he brought the phone in and told me to introduce myself. I talked to her and I could tell she really liked me. And even more when he was saying something about smoking and I told him he didn't need to smoke. That he needed to quit. He was really proud of me. I felt so amazing when he did that. It really solidified the relationship. We are going up to meet her Mon -Wednesday. I can't wait she seemed really nice. He sang to me again. We sat in the floor he held my chin and sang to me and kissed me between the lyrics. It just felt so so right. Everything is great. Even though my world is falling apart, he is here to hold me up and help me. As I am for him.
I really hope this all works out. Feeling like this makes me just want it so much more.
So to sum up the rest of that day, I was there till 10 pm and he asked me to stay there with him. And I told him I would. We went back to his room and talked some more, we started making out again and I ended up on top of him naked. And wow am I glad I did. Now, I'll be honest it wasn't as good as Keith but it emotionally felt better, and it was damn close to feeling better than him. He did everything the way I like it. The next morning we took a shower together and it felt right. I have only showered with Charles and I am very self conscious. He kept telling me I was amazing, and beautiful. It felt really good to hear.
I woke up that morning as he did and I looked in his eyes. They are so beautiful, I know why in High School he got voted Best Eyes. He smiled and said, "Good morning, baby" and I got the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy to have someone look at me so lovingly. I knew that this was going somewhere. And I was right.
When he dropped me off he was going to go home and ride his motorcycle (which is pimp btw) because it was pretty out. He texted me a lil later and asked how long it would take me to get to a certain area of the city. I told him by foot about 15 minutes. He asked if I wanted to see him, and I told him of course. So we met at the closest store in the area. I ended up hitchhiking for the first time ever. And it was nice it was a guy who was very generous and helpful. So it cut my walk down by 5 minutes. He was there on his bike and we just walked around and talked. It was a really good feeling, to be holding his hand and walking around. I didn't even care where we were I watching him and smiled. He asked me, "So are we dating?" And I told him, "If you would ask." "Well what would you say if I asked?" "Yes" "Well we're dating then!" I was so happy. I didn't think about it though, Charles was still in the house. So I had to make some good decisions. He finally said he had to go. I told him I was gonna walk back, he told me it hurt that he couldn't take me home. But I didn't have a helmet and I knew that no one rides without one. I wouldn't have gotten on without one anyway. So I told him I would find my way to not feel bad. I could still tell it was killing him. But I told him to get home and relax to not worry a bit about it. I watched him ride off and I just smiled. I really really could see myself with him.
I called Charles and asked if he would give me a ride, that rush hour had hit and I really would have trouble crossing the 4 lane highway. He didn't want to but he came. There was a lot more tension. When we got home. I sat and thought what I wanted. And I told him I thought it would be best if he left. That it was just tension between us. I have an excerpt from the break up.
Me says:
Charles ...
Charles says:
What?
Me says:
Stop acting like that
Me says:
This is how you push me away
Me says:
And I won't put up with it
Charles says:
Fine.
Me says:
.....
Charles says:
I guess we're done then.
Me says:
Ok.
Me says:
I want you to know I love you still but I think that we just push each other apart more than anything
Me says:
It kills me inside.
Charles says:
It was bound to happen.
Charles says:
I should have just left that night.
Me says:
I'm sorry for all the shit I have done.
Charles says:
I wouldn't have to deal with all this bullshit.
Charles says:
I can't be with someone with shitty morales.
Me says:
Charles ... please just do not be pissed at me. I still love you to death but it kills me to be pushed away.
Me says:
I am sorry that I have shitty morals.
Me says:
It is so hard for me now to be around you because I feel like you do not want me around ... and I have felt it since we last fought.
Charles says:
I'm going to do my laundry tonight and maybe have steve get me tomorrow.
That night he cried for hours, he hugged on me and called me baby. But he never asked to stay. He told me he would still pay his half of the rent because his name was on the lease. I felt so bad for him because I really saw how much he still loved me. He wanted to grow old with me, and be my husband. But it was not meant to be. Too many mistakes had happened now. Too many things that neither of us could forgive. He told me he thought maybe one day we would be back together I told him no. That this was the end, and that he needed to understand that. That I loved him and that he was great but it was not going to work. He could never trust or respect me again. And nor could I for him. I slept with him for one last night, I stayed in his arms it felt good but I knew it was the end. I cried too because I had gotten used to him being there. The next morning he scrapped his car, and Steve came and got him. He hugged me good bye and told me he loved me, that I would be ok. To be strong. I looked him in the eyes ... he was crying. I let a tear roll down my face and he was gone for good. I was hard. His cat would not come out to say bye and it really hurt that she was so upset with everything. I cried for her and me cause I do not know what I am going to do. I am recently unemployed, I have little to no money, and well I have a lease till June 30th. I have all kinds of applications in but no one is calling.
Ed told me to go to a temp service and I am going to today.
Ed came up after Charles left. He brought me a chain lock. He wanted me to feel safer, and he wanted me to be protected. I thought it was really really sweet of him. He did not want anything to happen to me. He put it on for me when he got here. I felt better when he was here. That hole in my heart felt like someone had patched it. He held me, I could tell Ed knew it was hard on me to see him go. But he was here for me now. And I am so thankful for that. He and I watched movies and listened to music. I made him and I some food and we just had an enjoyable time. We got intimate again. And he took me to the bedroom. It started out as just sex, and then he pulled me to him and kissed me. He started to so very slowly and passionately. He told me he could feel himself falling bad. That he couldn't believe his heart. I looked him in the whole time, and my entire body felt amazing. He looked at me again and asked, "Did we just got from having sex to making love?" and I told him that we had. He stared into my eyes and I could feel my heart falling more and more. He held me close and told me that he wasn't just falling that he had already. My heart sputtered and I kissed him. We sat up and he held me so tight as he kissed me. When we were done he stared in my eyes and nothing had to be said I knew he had been feeling the same things I had been. When he went to lay back down I held the back of his head and he smiled. He means the world to me. I have never had someone actually make love to me like that. It was just sex, I only felt it as sex. My mind, my heart, my sex drive all felt it now. We started to go back to having sex and I paused a moment. He touched my face and had his thumb behind my ear, he told me he had never been like this before. And I told him that I always had to work on loving people then he stepped into my life and it was like I already loved everything about him. He rolled me over and we continued to have sex. He stood up on the floor and pulled me to the edge by my hips and I thought the orgasm Keith gave me was strong this on literally made my legs go numb. I was laying there and I couldn't walk for 5-10 minutes. He was like "I didn't slip your vertebrae did I?" Hell he could have but it felt GOOD. haha After, he held me and rubbed on my back. We talked about what we said. I guess to make sure it wasn't the sex talking. I was glad that we did talk about it again. We get dressed and he and I took my rental movie back. And picked up a few things for dinner. I made french toast and biscuits. He used my phone to call his mom. I heard him in the other room telling her that I was the best thing to happen to him. That he was so happy with me. I almost cried. Then he brought the phone in and told me to introduce myself. I talked to her and I could tell she really liked me. And even more when he was saying something about smoking and I told him he didn't need to smoke. That he needed to quit. He was really proud of me. I felt so amazing when he did that. It really solidified the relationship. We are going up to meet her Mon -Wednesday. I can't wait she seemed really nice. He sang to me again. We sat in the floor he held my chin and sang to me and kissed me between the lyrics. It just felt so so right. Everything is great. Even though my world is falling apart, he is here to hold me up and help me. As I am for him.
I really hope this all works out. Feeling like this makes me just want it so much more.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Hectic - OSITY
WOW, so if you have been keeping up with my blog you can see there is a wide array of men that I have "options" from. And a lot of things that been blowing up lately. And get this ... I was right to keep my guard up on Keith, he is a douchebag. He tried to hook up with my friend the night that I got home from being with him, he hasn't called, he hasn't messeged me he hasn't anything ... so I guess I just got good sex out of him. And that sucks because I really have not had sex with anyone that I did not have a relationship with till recently. And I haven't really felt good about myself about Jo and Keith because I feel like I have done something that I not necessarily did not want to but with people that I did not love or feel so connected with. Keith made me feel amazing, and I really hoped he was serious but I knew in the back of my mind he wouldn't be what I wanted or that he wasn't I just did not know. And I was right. That is fine though, I learned from it and I will watch out from now on. So moving on.
At the same time I was talking to Keith I met another guy named Ed, he was handsome ... funny ... you know a lot of those things everyone notices. But he never talked sexually to me, he always said I was beautiful and not hot. He really sparked my interest. He is educated, but had a rough background, he can do about anything really ... like me. And I like that. He can work on cars, do math, write well, have a good conversation ... and all that it was very nice. I couldn't wait to talk to him when he got on and I would spend hours just chatting. So I called him. And he has a voice that shot straight to my heart. Deep, refined ... wow!! I just loved it and I told him. So last night I decided to meet him. Actually very early in the morning. I met him with my friend and she dropped me off. He drives a standard, and it has an amazing stereo system in it. I asked him about it he told me he used to build systems for shows and competitions and stuff. He and I talked and he just lit up my face. Which is not easy to do. I am a very straight face person. And he just made me smile. And he got my sense of humor and had it too. Let me first put not one person I have met, friend or foe has got my humor and returned it at me. I was so damn excited over that. If nothing else came of it then I at least had like a new best friend. Haha. So we headed back to his place, and were watching movies. We clicked. I felt like I had known him for years and that we had dated for years ... it was crazy. I did not know what that was about. And then he looked me in the eyes and said what I had been thinking. "You know it feels like I have known you ALL of my life, and that we have dated for four or five years, I have never been so comfortable with a person. Not even my ex fiance. Which is crazy cause that was 3 years of my life I knew her." (Yes I knew about that incident in advance, they dated over 3 years and then she just started ripping his heart out and trying to hurt him and break his confidence. Because she cheated on him.) And I felt something in me. I had to ask myself what it was, and I did not believe my answer.
At the same time I was talking to Keith I met another guy named Ed, he was handsome ... funny ... you know a lot of those things everyone notices. But he never talked sexually to me, he always said I was beautiful and not hot. He really sparked my interest. He is educated, but had a rough background, he can do about anything really ... like me. And I like that. He can work on cars, do math, write well, have a good conversation ... and all that it was very nice. I couldn't wait to talk to him when he got on and I would spend hours just chatting. So I called him. And he has a voice that shot straight to my heart. Deep, refined ... wow!! I just loved it and I told him. So last night I decided to meet him. Actually very early in the morning. I met him with my friend and she dropped me off. He drives a standard, and it has an amazing stereo system in it. I asked him about it he told me he used to build systems for shows and competitions and stuff. He and I talked and he just lit up my face. Which is not easy to do. I am a very straight face person. And he just made me smile. And he got my sense of humor and had it too. Let me first put not one person I have met, friend or foe has got my humor and returned it at me. I was so damn excited over that. If nothing else came of it then I at least had like a new best friend. Haha. So we headed back to his place, and were watching movies. We clicked. I felt like I had known him for years and that we had dated for years ... it was crazy. I did not know what that was about. And then he looked me in the eyes and said what I had been thinking. "You know it feels like I have known you ALL of my life, and that we have dated for four or five years, I have never been so comfortable with a person. Not even my ex fiance. Which is crazy cause that was 3 years of my life I knew her." (Yes I knew about that incident in advance, they dated over 3 years and then she just started ripping his heart out and trying to hurt him and break his confidence. Because she cheated on him.) And I felt something in me. I had to ask myself what it was, and I did not believe my answer.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wow, things are EVERYWHERE.
Wow, yesterday really made me think my life is a soap opera. Lets start from the beginning.
February 21
I get online and I am checking my email and messages. A guy we'll call Keith pops up and is like, hello. And I talk to him a little bit. He goes to the college that I do (well I am off this semester) and he is a senior. He used to be a Finance major/Economics and is now a CNA. So that told me he was good with money and that he was caring. And I got a little more interested in him. So we chatted and he told me he really felt like we could get along. I believed that myself. He told me he just really could not find a decent girl that was looking for the same aspects as he was. And I told him that guys just treated me like shit, and no one was worth my time. Well, that conversation went on and we decided to meet for coffee the next day. And I felt good about that. I wanted to sit down and see if there was someone that could make me feel happy about everything really. But I expected that maybe he was just some horny college guy or a plain douche. Just to keep myself from getting too excited. He gave me his number and told me to call him when I woke up.
February 22
So I called Keith and instantly I loved his voice. He had a tone that made me listen and made me smile. He had a great disposition and he loved my crooked humor. He made me smile a lot. I had already gotten ready before I called him. I was waiting on the bus to go down to campus. I told him that I was "letting a friend borrow my calculator" (It is already loaned out). Because I didn't want him to think I was going to campus just to make him pick me up. lol. He told me to let him pick me up on campus and to hang out with him all day. Not just go get coffee. It sounded fair. I told him we would see. Keith was very understanding and told me anytime I needed/wanted to go home just tell him and if I didn't want to stay all day just tell him at anytime. He was quite serious. So I gained a lot of respect for him.
I had told Charles I was going to the mall for the day to get out of the house, he didn't really care we hadn't been talking a whole hell of a lot since that last episode. And I just needed out of the house anyway.
So Keith calls me back and asks where on campus I was, and I told him the student center. I had already made him laugh when he picked up the phone I was taking a drink and he goes, "You're eating aren't you?" and I told him, "No but I have a brownie in my pocket." He laughed so hard at me. Oh and to explain it I had bought a brownie and an Ale 8 and I decided to save the brownie. So I put it in my jacket pocket. Yeah I know weird but that is the type of person I am. BTW I ate that brownie last night it was pretty good. Ok moving on. So he tells me he is leaving and coming to get me, he stays on the phone the whole time and I tell him to meet me in the parking lot. He was driving a black Nissan Altima, it was in great condition. I could tell he was a great guy as soon as I opened the door. He was a safe driver, a good conversationalist, and shortly later ... a magnificent kisser. He held my hand in the car and we drove around talking for a while. He took me to the park and we drove around and we told stories and just really enjoyed ourselves. He showed me where he used to live and where he was looking at getting a home of his own. He told me he wanted to work at the Shriner's Hospital to work with the children. I was really absorbed in the conversation. We went and got some food and talked some more and he asked where I wanted to go. I asked him if there was anything he needed to do that day. He told me laundry. So I told him I would help him if he really badly needed to. So we headed to his place.
He lives on the nice side of town, in a duplex style apartment. It was one of the ones I dreamt of having ... when I moved up here. I ended up in the ghetto though. His style inside was a LOT like mine. I found it funny that we really had so much in common. He and I sat around and watched TV and continued to talk. He told me he was really shocked that people didn't treat me right. But he also said he had gotten his share of bad girls too, that he couldn't spoil or treat right because they took advantage or wanted to be treated bad. I really started to realize how much he liked me. He stared in my eyes, his were emerald green and breath taking. He told me that he believed in fate and that I had gorgeous eyes. He gave some of the most genuine compliments I had ever heard. He would say them and you could tell it was just what he had on his mind not some dumbass line. He played in my hair and cuddled with me and we kissed. I really wanted him. It was crazy, but I tried to mask it. I could tell he wanted me too. He had the softest hands and lips, and I found him on top of me passionately kissing me on his couch. I knew what would end up happening. I felt him through his jeans as he started kissing on my neck and I started to close my eyes in pleasure.
So yeah if you aren't 18 do not read past this point.
It was so different to me that he could actually hold a conversation with me when he was making love to me. I have never had some one talk to me and look me in the eyes like he was. It wasn't just about what was going on, or about just small talk it was about what type of a relationship he and I wanted . He asked me about my sexual history while he was taking off my shirt, and about if what was happening was OK, each step of the way. He told me not to let him push me any further than I found comfortable. He asked me if I would be his girl, only his. I told him I would love that, he told me he didn't tolerate any other guys in the picture. To not tell him yes and then go out and find someone else. Told me he wanted something serious. I told him that I don't do that and that he better be serious. He looked me in the eyes and I knew he was. He told me I was his baby then and that he was mine. He got me to the point I had nothing on and he started playing with my clit. Which ... well works quite well for me. He took out his dick and while kissing me and holding my hands he started rubbing my clit with it. Which just made my wanting it worse. He slid it in, and I have actually never had someone do that with no assistance. I could feel he was THICK. It had to be the best I have ever felt. He somehow, mirrored everything that I loved in bed without ever breaking off the conversation we were having. He rode me for hours. I orgasmed quite a few times, but the last one actually made my legs and spine quiver and my knees started to almost thrash violently. When it was over he smiled at me and asked, "Has that ever happened before?" ... And I looked at him dumbfounded and told him it hadn't. I asked how he did that, how he matched everything I have ever wanted in sex without asking or knowing anything about my sexual preferences ... he told me, "I have a good partner." I laughed thinking he was joking. He looked at me confused when I laughed and told me he was serious that everything I did was amazing. That we definitely had a good sex life ahead of us. He held me and rubbed my back when we were done, he asked me if I was sure I was ready for something so serious. He told me he wanted a relationship for a long time that could possibly after a few years could lead to marriage, that he wanted to know how many nights I would stay with him, or stay at his house . I told him I wanted to be there almost every night, that I love his company and would love to cook for him when he got home. He hugged me close and I felt his eyelashes close as he kissed the top of my head. "You're the best thing that could have happened to me." I looked at him. I was being very skeptical and wanted to make sure he wasn't playing me. I still am making sure, I am not just going to fall for him and find out he is a player.
So I might have something or I might have nothing.
February 21
I get online and I am checking my email and messages. A guy we'll call Keith pops up and is like, hello. And I talk to him a little bit. He goes to the college that I do (well I am off this semester) and he is a senior. He used to be a Finance major/Economics and is now a CNA. So that told me he was good with money and that he was caring. And I got a little more interested in him. So we chatted and he told me he really felt like we could get along. I believed that myself. He told me he just really could not find a decent girl that was looking for the same aspects as he was. And I told him that guys just treated me like shit, and no one was worth my time. Well, that conversation went on and we decided to meet for coffee the next day. And I felt good about that. I wanted to sit down and see if there was someone that could make me feel happy about everything really. But I expected that maybe he was just some horny college guy or a plain douche. Just to keep myself from getting too excited. He gave me his number and told me to call him when I woke up.
February 22
So I called Keith and instantly I loved his voice. He had a tone that made me listen and made me smile. He had a great disposition and he loved my crooked humor. He made me smile a lot. I had already gotten ready before I called him. I was waiting on the bus to go down to campus. I told him that I was "letting a friend borrow my calculator" (It is already loaned out). Because I didn't want him to think I was going to campus just to make him pick me up. lol. He told me to let him pick me up on campus and to hang out with him all day. Not just go get coffee. It sounded fair. I told him we would see. Keith was very understanding and told me anytime I needed/wanted to go home just tell him and if I didn't want to stay all day just tell him at anytime. He was quite serious. So I gained a lot of respect for him.
I had told Charles I was going to the mall for the day to get out of the house, he didn't really care we hadn't been talking a whole hell of a lot since that last episode. And I just needed out of the house anyway.
So Keith calls me back and asks where on campus I was, and I told him the student center. I had already made him laugh when he picked up the phone I was taking a drink and he goes, "You're eating aren't you?" and I told him, "No but I have a brownie in my pocket." He laughed so hard at me. Oh and to explain it I had bought a brownie and an Ale 8 and I decided to save the brownie. So I put it in my jacket pocket. Yeah I know weird but that is the type of person I am. BTW I ate that brownie last night it was pretty good. Ok moving on. So he tells me he is leaving and coming to get me, he stays on the phone the whole time and I tell him to meet me in the parking lot. He was driving a black Nissan Altima, it was in great condition. I could tell he was a great guy as soon as I opened the door. He was a safe driver, a good conversationalist, and shortly later ... a magnificent kisser. He held my hand in the car and we drove around talking for a while. He took me to the park and we drove around and we told stories and just really enjoyed ourselves. He showed me where he used to live and where he was looking at getting a home of his own. He told me he wanted to work at the Shriner's Hospital to work with the children. I was really absorbed in the conversation. We went and got some food and talked some more and he asked where I wanted to go. I asked him if there was anything he needed to do that day. He told me laundry. So I told him I would help him if he really badly needed to. So we headed to his place.
He lives on the nice side of town, in a duplex style apartment. It was one of the ones I dreamt of having ... when I moved up here. I ended up in the ghetto though. His style inside was a LOT like mine. I found it funny that we really had so much in common. He and I sat around and watched TV and continued to talk. He told me he was really shocked that people didn't treat me right. But he also said he had gotten his share of bad girls too, that he couldn't spoil or treat right because they took advantage or wanted to be treated bad. I really started to realize how much he liked me. He stared in my eyes, his were emerald green and breath taking. He told me that he believed in fate and that I had gorgeous eyes. He gave some of the most genuine compliments I had ever heard. He would say them and you could tell it was just what he had on his mind not some dumbass line. He played in my hair and cuddled with me and we kissed. I really wanted him. It was crazy, but I tried to mask it. I could tell he wanted me too. He had the softest hands and lips, and I found him on top of me passionately kissing me on his couch. I knew what would end up happening. I felt him through his jeans as he started kissing on my neck and I started to close my eyes in pleasure.
So yeah if you aren't 18 do not read past this point.
It was so different to me that he could actually hold a conversation with me when he was making love to me. I have never had some one talk to me and look me in the eyes like he was. It wasn't just about what was going on, or about just small talk it was about what type of a relationship he and I wanted . He asked me about my sexual history while he was taking off my shirt, and about if what was happening was OK, each step of the way. He told me not to let him push me any further than I found comfortable. He asked me if I would be his girl, only his. I told him I would love that, he told me he didn't tolerate any other guys in the picture. To not tell him yes and then go out and find someone else. Told me he wanted something serious. I told him that I don't do that and that he better be serious. He looked me in the eyes and I knew he was. He told me I was his baby then and that he was mine. He got me to the point I had nothing on and he started playing with my clit. Which ... well works quite well for me. He took out his dick and while kissing me and holding my hands he started rubbing my clit with it. Which just made my wanting it worse. He slid it in, and I have actually never had someone do that with no assistance. I could feel he was THICK. It had to be the best I have ever felt. He somehow, mirrored everything that I loved in bed without ever breaking off the conversation we were having. He rode me for hours. I orgasmed quite a few times, but the last one actually made my legs and spine quiver and my knees started to almost thrash violently. When it was over he smiled at me and asked, "Has that ever happened before?" ... And I looked at him dumbfounded and told him it hadn't. I asked how he did that, how he matched everything I have ever wanted in sex without asking or knowing anything about my sexual preferences ... he told me, "I have a good partner." I laughed thinking he was joking. He looked at me confused when I laughed and told me he was serious that everything I did was amazing. That we definitely had a good sex life ahead of us. He held me and rubbed my back when we were done, he asked me if I was sure I was ready for something so serious. He told me he wanted a relationship for a long time that could possibly after a few years could lead to marriage, that he wanted to know how many nights I would stay with him, or stay at his house . I told him I wanted to be there almost every night, that I love his company and would love to cook for him when he got home. He hugged me close and I felt his eyelashes close as he kissed the top of my head. "You're the best thing that could have happened to me." I looked at him. I was being very skeptical and wanted to make sure he wasn't playing me. I still am making sure, I am not just going to fall for him and find out he is a player.
So I might have something or I might have nothing.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Bloody Tears
Well, Charles finally did it he started acting bi-polar. It is eating him alive to stay and try and love again with a broken heart. He is trying to be his old self and the new is lashing out. He yells sometimes for no reason at me. And then it came to a head.
He was being a total ass, and trying to make out with me when I wasn't in the mood then he forced it on me and I bit his tongue. Mind you nothing too bad, like I put pressure on it. Nothing too hard. He flipped out and smacked me in the nose ... it bled. I was upset with him and when I looked at him to see if he was shocked or upset. He smiled. He wanted to see me bleed. My nose hasn't bled since my dad backhanded me in the face 3 years or more ago. I got mad but was upset. I told him I could call the police if I truly wanted to. That there was physical abuse now. The sink had blood all over it 3 different times. I finally actually took a picture just in case as proof. He got even madder and threatened to leave because I told him he could be arrested or fined.
I told him if he ran off I had his license plate number, his information and I also know that he has no insurance on his car at the moment. I know a lot of things that he could get busted on. To go ahead ... step out of the house ... that I WOULD call if he left. He was infuriated. I didn't intend to call anyone but I was telling him what he had done. He stayed and I walked to a resturaunt to eat. I needed to clear my head.
I got back and he acted like NOTHING happened I don't get it! What is with him? !
Charles has royally and utterly confused me!
He was being a total ass, and trying to make out with me when I wasn't in the mood then he forced it on me and I bit his tongue. Mind you nothing too bad, like I put pressure on it. Nothing too hard. He flipped out and smacked me in the nose ... it bled. I was upset with him and when I looked at him to see if he was shocked or upset. He smiled. He wanted to see me bleed. My nose hasn't bled since my dad backhanded me in the face 3 years or more ago. I got mad but was upset. I told him I could call the police if I truly wanted to. That there was physical abuse now. The sink had blood all over it 3 different times. I finally actually took a picture just in case as proof. He got even madder and threatened to leave because I told him he could be arrested or fined.
I told him if he ran off I had his license plate number, his information and I also know that he has no insurance on his car at the moment. I know a lot of things that he could get busted on. To go ahead ... step out of the house ... that I WOULD call if he left. He was infuriated. I didn't intend to call anyone but I was telling him what he had done. He stayed and I walked to a resturaunt to eat. I needed to clear my head.
I got back and he acted like NOTHING happened I don't get it! What is with him? !
Charles has royally and utterly confused me!
Back to the Present
Well, I haven't blogged in a while. A lot has been going on so lets try and condense it into one smaller post than my others.
After the whole incident was over, Charles decided to stay right? To be completely honest I let him stay so I had a longer time to work everything out. I had been researching online about IF I went to Vegas. I had been looking into tickets, how to get the cats there, shipping prices for my things ... HOW I would get my furniture and heavy items to my parents' house. Things like that. I also looked at if I pursued Jo. That was a dead end. He was now more interested in the sex than the relationship. So I cropped him out of my picture. I talked to him casually a few times but he just kept wanting to come over and everything and he can't because Charles is here. And Jo doesn't know that.
So it is very very confusing ... like always.
I have thought out a plan IF I decide to leave. And I feel horrible for thinking it but if leaving is best sometimes I guess we have to do ugly things. I would put my things in storage with the story that me and Charles are going to move. Like he wants to. And I would ship some of my things to Vegas ... this he wouldn't know about. It would be the things I need mostly. And the things for my kitties. Then we would tell the landlord, etc. Then one night I would catch a flight ... with the cats and my laptop. Leave him with the dirty work. Period. It is a HORRIBLE thing and I can't seem to pull myself to do it but I also can't decide if it is the best thing for me to leave.
I talked to Dave the other night on the phone, he told me that his offer was always there. That he understood I needed to get things taken care of that he was foolish for being upset but was caught more in the moment than anything. He just wanted me to get away from Charles. We talked about what I wanted, he listened and never interupted me but I could actually hear his smile and I rambled on and told him I wanted someone dependable and strong, someone that is decisive, but open minded. Someone with morals and with a big heart. I told him a lot that night and he didn't ever say anything about it he just listened. When I asked him what he thought, he gave me an answer that I secretly wanted to hear. That he could never tell me what is best but to weigh the factors that are holding me here and the ones that are there. If it is better to move ... then do it. If it is better to stay then re-evaluate and if the same answer was true then stay and figure it out. I was amazed that he was so honest. He told me that family would be the hardest thing to leave. But it was easier for him and he told me that there was times when he was in Guam, Korea, Saudi Arabia and other places that he just wanted to pack up and leave to go home. He told me that he held it out and he was greatful he did. He made the right decision to stay in the military and to stay. His family is military and he was used to his father not being there, he knew that it wasn't hard on his family for him to be gone it was hard on him because everyone seeks a place called home. He told me if I got there and hated it to just go back. Restart where I left off. And it really made sense.
As an Aquarius I don't really listen to advice, I hear it but I judge the best for me off of my decisions and thoughts. There really isn't a way to influence my thoughts. And no I am not a big zodiac follower but I am very much an Aquarian. I fit it almost to a tee, but of course some of it is bogus. Well a lot of it is. Probably most of it but it is something that does describe me pretty well. I found something the other day that fit me VERY well -> Zodiac I was sorta shocked especially about the legs part. I was a track runner and I have very muscular and strong legs. Most of that is probably a big crock of shit, and almost all of it fits my personality and characteristics.
Ok enough on my views on Zodiac. But I realized that he was one of the first people to tell me something that I underlyingly wanted to hear. I expected to hear him say and convince me to go to him. Because people are stubborn and they are selfish ... but he proved me wrong he showed me that there are other people that think and express like me. I always tell my friends what they don't want to hear. Life isn't a farie tale and most likely, they will wonder around looking for something and finaly settle for something far from it because life can not be anticipated. You must take the things that are given to you and not necessarily like it but use it to your advantage. When you have everything all mapped out your way you will be disapointed. I tell them this because they will not hear me till things happen that they cannot control, and they cry they are scared and they think about something they heard. Most times it is a voice of reason telling them life will take them by the throat and take them where IT pleases to stop acting like they have reigns on it. But I was so relieved to hear someone say that to me. I remembered it and I listened, I really listened. IT was great.
After the whole incident was over, Charles decided to stay right? To be completely honest I let him stay so I had a longer time to work everything out. I had been researching online about IF I went to Vegas. I had been looking into tickets, how to get the cats there, shipping prices for my things ... HOW I would get my furniture and heavy items to my parents' house. Things like that. I also looked at if I pursued Jo. That was a dead end. He was now more interested in the sex than the relationship. So I cropped him out of my picture. I talked to him casually a few times but he just kept wanting to come over and everything and he can't because Charles is here. And Jo doesn't know that.
So it is very very confusing ... like always.
I have thought out a plan IF I decide to leave. And I feel horrible for thinking it but if leaving is best sometimes I guess we have to do ugly things. I would put my things in storage with the story that me and Charles are going to move. Like he wants to. And I would ship some of my things to Vegas ... this he wouldn't know about. It would be the things I need mostly. And the things for my kitties. Then we would tell the landlord, etc. Then one night I would catch a flight ... with the cats and my laptop. Leave him with the dirty work. Period. It is a HORRIBLE thing and I can't seem to pull myself to do it but I also can't decide if it is the best thing for me to leave.
I talked to Dave the other night on the phone, he told me that his offer was always there. That he understood I needed to get things taken care of that he was foolish for being upset but was caught more in the moment than anything. He just wanted me to get away from Charles. We talked about what I wanted, he listened and never interupted me but I could actually hear his smile and I rambled on and told him I wanted someone dependable and strong, someone that is decisive, but open minded. Someone with morals and with a big heart. I told him a lot that night and he didn't ever say anything about it he just listened. When I asked him what he thought, he gave me an answer that I secretly wanted to hear. That he could never tell me what is best but to weigh the factors that are holding me here and the ones that are there. If it is better to move ... then do it. If it is better to stay then re-evaluate and if the same answer was true then stay and figure it out. I was amazed that he was so honest. He told me that family would be the hardest thing to leave. But it was easier for him and he told me that there was times when he was in Guam, Korea, Saudi Arabia and other places that he just wanted to pack up and leave to go home. He told me that he held it out and he was greatful he did. He made the right decision to stay in the military and to stay. His family is military and he was used to his father not being there, he knew that it wasn't hard on his family for him to be gone it was hard on him because everyone seeks a place called home. He told me if I got there and hated it to just go back. Restart where I left off. And it really made sense.
As an Aquarius I don't really listen to advice, I hear it but I judge the best for me off of my decisions and thoughts. There really isn't a way to influence my thoughts. And no I am not a big zodiac follower but I am very much an Aquarian. I fit it almost to a tee, but of course some of it is bogus. Well a lot of it is. Probably most of it but it is something that does describe me pretty well. I found something the other day that fit me VERY well -> Zodiac I was sorta shocked especially about the legs part. I was a track runner and I have very muscular and strong legs. Most of that is probably a big crock of shit, and almost all of it fits my personality and characteristics.
Ok enough on my views on Zodiac. But I realized that he was one of the first people to tell me something that I underlyingly wanted to hear. I expected to hear him say and convince me to go to him. Because people are stubborn and they are selfish ... but he proved me wrong he showed me that there are other people that think and express like me. I always tell my friends what they don't want to hear. Life isn't a farie tale and most likely, they will wonder around looking for something and finaly settle for something far from it because life can not be anticipated. You must take the things that are given to you and not necessarily like it but use it to your advantage. When you have everything all mapped out your way you will be disapointed. I tell them this because they will not hear me till things happen that they cannot control, and they cry they are scared and they think about something they heard. Most times it is a voice of reason telling them life will take them by the throat and take them where IT pleases to stop acting like they have reigns on it. But I was so relieved to hear someone say that to me. I remembered it and I listened, I really listened. IT was great.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)