Ok, it has been a while since I updated this blog. I feel like I am a horrid person! I really do. I have been so good about not being a sexual person all my life. Even though I have the "sex" look that I am infamous for. And all of a sudden this year I am like, "sex sex sex .... sex" ! What the hell is wrong with me!? I have been with more people since February this year till now than people I had been with from the time I lost my virginity. Ok let me get into the story I guess.
After Ed, I started talking to another guy we will call Pete. Now we had talked before and never really hung out or anything. But I had talked to him since like January almost. So, one night me and a friend decide it is time for me to go to my first strip club and get out of this slump. Problem is he is gay and I am a straight female, so we need a third person who actually wants to look at naked girls. So that we do not feel awkward being there. So we call Ed, he doesn't answer. We call a friend of his, can't make it has class at 10 am the next morning. I get on and see Pete is on and I just straight up ask. He was taken back at first, and was like sure. Why not!? So I told him we were heading down there at Midnight, and that we would meet him out front cause I have free passes and I had an extra. Ok we go and we have a great time. Me and him hit it off and he loves my friend. They are now like new buddies! haha. I really like Pete, he is very genuine, very caring, very honest, just one of the good guys all around. I have known that but he really was. My friend even picked up on it. He is 27, 6'3" ... BEAUTIFUL eyes and omg he is built like a god. His arms, pecks, and back wow ... really huge turn on!
So we are at the club for a few hours and decide to go out to the car and do some shots of Vodka, me and my buddy brought some Vodka with us in the car. Even thought we are 18 and 19 (me being the older) lol. Yeah I know illegal and not smart. Whatever, it happened ok!?
Pete seems to be having a good time and all of us were really. So at 3:30 or so I asked him if he wanted to come back to my place with me and my friend and hang out, watch movies, drink some more. He agreed and we all left. I rode with Pete to get him back to my place. Nothing happened we just chatted and he said he was glad to have met my buddy cause he loved diversity and he loves his disposition on things. That he being gay came to a strip club, and got a couch dance, and wants to come back for his birthday. It was just fun to him. He really got major brownie points from me for being so open and happy to have met my friend. Ok we are going to call my friend Brad, I am sick of him not having a name. lol
I gave Brad my keys and told him meet me back at the apartment that Pete and I need OJ and Red Bull for Screw Drivers and Jagger Bombs. Brad goes on ahead of us and when we get there he already has broke out the Tequila. We sit around till almost 7 am and finally Pete asks, "Do you mind if I sleep here, I am wasted and don't wanna drive home" I told him I figured he was staying anyway. So he goes and jumps in my bed and starts to go to sleep. Brad stays on my couch and I go to bed with Pete. He is totally wasted, by the way. We had kissed earlier when he stepped outside to smoke. So he and I are in bed, and he asks if he could rub my back and I told him that he could if he liked and I rolled over. He starts rubbing my back and starts to tickle my sides and hit spots on me, then his hand wonders to my pants and up my shirt. Before I know it we are having sex like animals. This was some INTENSE sex. Insane! So yeah, after the 7th or 8th time that we have sex that night I pretty much pass out and so does he. We were cuddled up panting. Brad comes in in the morning and thanks us for the wonderful noises that we forced upon his ears that night. Both of us laugh and he leaves to go shopping. So round 2 happens. And Brad gets back in time to hear some more. HE comes in and is like, GD you two do not quit! We both just laugh cause we are laying naked only our bottom halves covered.
Pete has to get to work so he leaves shortly after all this. And he tells me that he can't wait to see me again that he really likes me. That night he also made illusion to seeing me a lot more. So I was satisfied with that. I called him that night and he was happy to hear from me.
OK next day!
So I have an interview at 5:30, got the job gotta get the piss test. And I call him to tell him about it. I have a horrible incident with the local bus routes and get stranded for almost 2 hours and when I finally made it to the Transit Center my bus wasn't there. So he says that he wants to come get me. I told him that he didn't need to I'd wait it out. He told me it wasn't a problem to just let him take me home that I had been out in the rain and cold too much I was going to get hypothermia. So I agreed, because I really wanted to see him again and I was freezing.
We get back to my place and I told him he was welcome to come in and hang out that I didn't want to run him off after he picked me up. So he comes in and I made dinner for me, he had already ate. And we watch a movie. After the movie we are in my living room floor and just start getting passionate. He started kissing me and had been rubbing my sides the whole movie. Needless to say we ended up naked in the floor and I was for sure we were about to have sex. He looks me in the eyes and tells me that I should feel special. I look at him sort of funny cause I do not understand, he goes down on me. And honestly, he got done and thought he was just okay. Really, that was the most amazing oral I have ever received. I was floored that I was only the 3rd person and about the 15th time he has ever done that. He told me he just didn't do it a lot unless he really liked someone so he felt like he wasn't too good. I told him that I did not arch up into basically a back bend and have my eyes roll up into my head for anyone. One person has almost put me in that position and they loved giving oral, everyone else barely got a reaction. He was really shocked that he was that good. I was shocked to be honest. I didn't expect it out of him, but I am very very glad about it! haha
So he seems to me like a good guy. I think that maybe we could be something good. But I'll just have to see.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
As the Days Go By
I have been so confused lately. I want to think that Ed will come back and that we will be okay but I just have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like he was happy once before and found a greater feeling, now he has to question if he is really feeling that much and if he is if it is the best feeling there is. And I know if he went out even on a short date he would realize that well they aren't going to make him as happy. But I also wonder IF he wants to be happy. I do not think he is wanting to let himself feel so much happiness, like he will forget something else if he is. It is so weird, I just wonder if he wants to settle for less and let me go just because he doesn't believe he deserves me or something.
Yesterday I told him that I wanted him to come up here and see me. He told me he wanted to see me but did not know if it would be best for him to come up here. He did not want to mislead me or anything and I told him I know where we stand. That I would restrain from being all over him that I just wanted the opportunity to see him. He never came last night. He never called ... he never got online. It hurt a lot. But I knew that he was trying to make himself distance himself from me. Like it will hurt less for him to do that.
It is sad now all I want to do is sit down and tell him in person how I feel. And I just keep feeling like he is trying to believe he doesn't care as much as he does. What do I do? Do I sit here and want to call him, do I walk 30 miles to his house, do I just sit here and think!? What !? I do not get it, why can't I just know that he still DOES without a doubt in my mind want to be with me?! That would give me hope, but as it is right now ... I feel like he wants to find an answer and then just leave me in the dust. Is that weird for me to think? That he does not want to be as happy? That he still wants to have that level of emotion that he had with his ex fiance? Help me out readers ... tell me what you all think.
Yesterday I told him that I wanted him to come up here and see me. He told me he wanted to see me but did not know if it would be best for him to come up here. He did not want to mislead me or anything and I told him I know where we stand. That I would restrain from being all over him that I just wanted the opportunity to see him. He never came last night. He never called ... he never got online. It hurt a lot. But I knew that he was trying to make himself distance himself from me. Like it will hurt less for him to do that.
It is sad now all I want to do is sit down and tell him in person how I feel. And I just keep feeling like he is trying to believe he doesn't care as much as he does. What do I do? Do I sit here and want to call him, do I walk 30 miles to his house, do I just sit here and think!? What !? I do not get it, why can't I just know that he still DOES without a doubt in my mind want to be with me?! That would give me hope, but as it is right now ... I feel like he wants to find an answer and then just leave me in the dust. Is that weird for me to think? That he does not want to be as happy? That he still wants to have that level of emotion that he had with his ex fiance? Help me out readers ... tell me what you all think.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
The Actual Break Up
I figure I should probably at least shed some more light on what happened between me and Ed.
There is a lot of conversation I am going to cut out and just put in "......"'s to show the breaks. Bare with me. It is still going to be ridiculously long.
*************************************
Ed had been telling me he had been trying to get a hold of me all day and couldn't.
(WARNING: This is not spell checked, etc. The names were changed that was it. We both can spell and all but this in an intense conversation. He was at work and I was at home. So the spelling and all the grammar is not exactly there. It was typed as we thought and that is how I left it. So ignore all the mistakes that you can.)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Ed:: hey i have been trying to get ahold of you all day to talk to you about this so i have come to this conclusion its nothing against you but i have done alot of soul searching and found that i am not ready to be in a relationship at this point in time i am really sorry that it has come to me telling you in an email but i have called on every break but to no avail. once again im really sorry you are a great person and i would love for us to remain friends at least for the time being.
sorry
ed
ME: Why?
Ed: i just explained it to you sweetie
ME: I don't get why you aren't ready ?
Ed: i do love you but i cant do it right now i have to get past my demons before i can do this
ME: I guess I just do not understand. But I'll be here to talk whenever you need it.
Ed: i want to still be friends
Ed: i just cnat do it right now
Ed: im so sorry i didnt want it to be like this
ME: That is fine. I do not think I can chat much ... different reason.
ME: Then why did it !?
ME: Sorry
ME: I'm hurting a lot right now.
ME: You just ripped my soul out of my backbone. I just lost my dream job, trying my hardest ... and I got that call from Charlie and I was okay, I smoked an entire pack of Swisher Cigs last night, and I calmed down finally. Got a lot of rest that I needed to wake up to this.
Ed: THANKS
ME: Sorry
Ed: no
ME: I am honest
ME: I am telling you what I think
Ed: talk to me when you can be civil i feel aweful doing this and then you pull that
ME: Ed.
ME: I am being civil. I am just hurt.
ME: Ok, I'll stop typing as I think because I am sure that does not help.
ME: I need to understand why it is you stepped into a relationship, then decided it not to be the best thing. I honestly cannot fathom that.
ME: What is it that made this decision?
.............................................
ME: I am not trying to be rude by saying this or uncivil, but it hurts more than anything to know you stood here telling people that I was something special.
.............................................
ME: Sorry for being bitter, mad and hurt. What would you do if you woke up this morning and your relationship was assimilated? I got on myspace ... single, facebook single, pof looking .... all before I even got the message. I was a lil pissed at that. Not going to lie.
ME: I understand it now that I have breathed and thought
ME: I'm sorry for acting rashly ...
ME: It was wrong of me to just type something and send it even though I was hurt,
Ed: its ok
Ed: just try to look at it from my point of view
Ed: its been like 6 months since i got out of a 3 year relationship
ME: So is this over her?
ME: Honestly?
Ed: no its over me not being able to cope
ME: I am not sure I get what you are saying.
Ed: ok i thought i was ready but i still feel as if im doing something i shouldntwhen i am with another girl alright
Ed: simply put
ME: Wow. Umm ok.
ME: Never thought I would be thought of as something someone shouldn't do. But that is a new perspective.
Ed: you want honesty
ME: I do
ME: I am just sort of jolted
ME: by that
Ed: there ya go
Ed: ya guys have a concience well at least some
ME: Well, I appreciate your honesty. I am just saying I have never been seen in that light.
Ed: what do you mean
ME: Tell me something. Was I insane when I remember you looking me in the eyes saying you have fallen in love, to have felt it too? Seriously ... should I have just told myself no?
ME: I have never been with someone and them tell me they felt wrong being with me.
ME: That is what I am saying
Ed: OMG
Ed: goodbye
ME: Please no ..
Ed: no
ME: Ed no no listen
ME: I am being serious
Ed: no im done when you called me a liar
Ed: that was it
ME: No you did not lie to me at all
Ed: call me anything but a bitch and a liar
ME: I want to know if I should have told myself to wait
ME: Ed you have never lied to me
ME: I know you have not
ME: I know you love me ... I see it but I want to know if I should have restrained
ME: If I was calling you a liar I would tell you straight out
ME: Do not contort my words.
Ed: do not come at me in that manner trust me you dont want to
Ed: i want us to remain friends and hopefully in time work past this
Ed: but i will not be talked down upon
ME: You aren't
ME: You are an equal
ME: Ok I need to find a way to reword that
ME: I have completely thrown the wrong message at you
ME: I'll have to think of how to reword it. I cannot think of it now. The wheels are turning but nothing is happening.
ME: I am not trying to sound better, higher, anything. I would not call you a liar unless I believed it. You are very honest, and I appreciate that. I just want to know what I should have done if there was something on my part that could have helped You.
Ed: no
Ed: it was that way with my child to be's mother
Ed: not just you
Ed: i dont know what the hell it is
Ed: i guess i never got closure
Ed: i dont know
ME: I undersatand that. I had that once. It took me from March 2005 till February 4, 2006 to find a way.
ME: Now I have closure on that relationship
Ed: i still dont
ME: I understand that. You need to figure out in your heart what it is that you still do not understand, and you need to find your answer to it.
ME: That sounds weird but it is what works
Ed: ya
ME: There is an answer in YOU for closure. She can never give you anything but more questions.
ME: You have that answer. Find it.
ME: That is all I can say on it
Ed: yep
ME: I did not want to find it for so long
ME: But I did.
Ed: i dont know if i want to find it
ME: Wow, I know that feeling. You will never want to find it and end it. But you will never forget what happened and what your answer is. It will make you feel whole again. There is a piece of you that is not completing yourself. You need it to fully love again.
ME: You have to find what it is you want, and then you will find that answer
ME: It may just find you.
ME: I hid it from myself
ME: For so long
ME: I found closure with Charlie quickly because I knew what my answer was. I knew that he was not for me. That even though he wanted me to be his wife, and that I would love to be married and stable that it was not with him. That he needed to go, he needed to live more. his dreams had to be broken to have a better life. he still lived in the fantasy that the first person he loved would be his forever.
ME: And I was that person. It is hard to be the one breaking another's dreams.
Ed: i know it is
Ed: mine was the ones broken
ME: Mine had been. Ed, I'm telling you right now as a friend that loves you more than you will ever understand. You had to have that dream broken. HAD to, not because it was better for you. Not because it was better for her. Not because you weren't meant to be. Because you need the strength to go into this world knowing dreams are .... not reality. They are a dream and that life goes on no matter what happens. You have to know why you wake up in the morning, what drives you to be the best that is you. You have to know what your destiny is.
ME: Anyone that lives there dream is missing out on a whole level of understanding ... they will never know the happiness of themselves.
ME: But that is my answer to things. You may disagree
ME: I hope that you have it in yourself to find an answer. You have a child on the way, it is going to be a beautiful being that will have hopes and dreams and needs someone with a full heart and with a full self, to be strong and be there. A child is innocence, reborn and you are going to have to be there, and know who you are to raise them right.
ME: You are not the only person to benefit from you finding an answer.
Ed: i konw i do i think it will complete me again
ME: That child won't complete you, you can complete you.
ME: You may work toward completing yourself for that child but it is in essence another entity. And no one else can put that piece of your puzzle back in your heart.
ME: I do not want you to be a dad like mine, love one minute, disgust another, I know you won't be. but my dad never found an answer to his divorce.
He hurt a lot from not getting to see his son till he was 7. And when he saw me he loved me because I was his, but hated me because I was an accident, he named me My Rose ... because he cherished me, but he had a split mind. He did not know who he was anymore and he thought he was being loving to me when he was hurting me when he was trying to find that answer. I know in my heart he never meant to hurt me, mom maybe ... he wanted the best for me but it was hell for me because he wanted something full on then he wanted something else.
ME: Sort of like when I look you in the eyes and I feel like you and I have dated for years and loved for a lifetime. But then this happens. It shows Ed, to everyone.
ME: I know you will be one of the most wonderful loving father's in the world. And that you will give that child everything. But you need to find yourself some closure before he or she is born. They were born out of a relationship you could not handle because of this answer. Do not let it come into this world with that question still pending.
Ed: thanks
ME: I want to see you be the best person you can be Ed. I know that piece is within your grasp. If you will let yourself find a reason to get it.
Ed: im working on it trust me
ME: I know it is because when I see you and when you kiss me or even hold my hand I know that you have a lot of love to give and what I have felt is still not all of it.
Ed: what do you mena
Me: I am more intelligent than you think Ed. I can read the heart a lot better than you think. I know that you love with all your heart, but I look at you and I feel you and know that there is something else in you. I have never felt so much emotion and love, but when I close my eyes and take it in, there is one piece missing. The dedication to keep that emotion flowing. You put a damper on yourself around me sometimes.
ME: And it is because that one piece.
ME: You can never have a long term relationship again till you can love as hard as you can all the time.
Ed: starting to notice this
ME: You did the night we met. The night you came up here and made love to me, you did ... until you asked me "Did we just go from having sex to making love". I think you scared yourself. You weren't ready to do that. I think you are, you just do not want to get hurt again. Let me tell you ... the moment you hesitate is the moment that you mess things up. It would be like riding a wheelie and stopping the gas after you get the tire fully up. What is going to happen? You are going to crash.
ME: You caught yourself off guard. You let a wall down that you were afraid for someone to fill.
Ed: tru
ME: Never be afraid to let someone fill your heart with joy, with love, with themself
ME: Find that piece, and tell yourself you are not afraid to love and lose again.
ME: You won't ever lose again if you can do it.
Ed: i know
ME: I don't know if what I am saying is of any help but I hope maybe it is. If you can hear me out and think about it then you have accepted that you need to move on it. You are like me you do not listen to just anyone or hear just anything. If it strikes a cord then you listen, I hope I have. Then at least I know I made a difference to one person in my life.
ME: You know but you are not accepting it.
ME: Like I knew I needed to let my past go
ME: I finally did
ME: I can tell Dad anything now. I do. I called him at work and told him my passion now.
ME: I have never sat down and talked to him about me.
ME: The most passion he has ever seen out of me was the day he put a gun to my 2 puppy's heads and killed them. Then told me he was sorry.
ME: That was nothing compared to the passion I have.
ME: I am not afraid to tell him when I screw up now. I don;t care what he thinks.
ME: You need to find you Ed.
Ed: i know i knwo
ME: You have to find what is stopping you. I know what it is, it should tell you something. The moment you hesitated was the thing you are scared of.
ME: That is where you need to look
ME: I'm here for you Ed. I hope in my heart you will not date someone else till you answer what it is in you. I really hope that you will remember me when you are ready to have another relationship.
Ed: i know you are
ME: I really do not want us to end. I love you, I never thought that I could love someone so quickly. But you are in my heart I let you in here. I never put up the fake wall that is 6 months of a relationship normally. I wanted you to know me.
ME: But you need to be able to do the same.
Ed: i love you too
ME: Not saying that you would, but do not do something stupid. Do not look for someone else to mend you. Please don't. I could never forgive you for that, I could never forgive you if you ran to someone else knowing that you have the answer.
Ed: i wont
ME: Thank you. Ed, I have so much in my heart for you. I am not going to hurt and cry because now I get it. I think you see that I know what I am talking about. I hope you understand that I am here for you. You can come up here and see me any time you want. Drop in and say hi. You can call me whenever. I am here for you. I want to see you be able to love again with full force.
ME: Have a good evening. You are about to be off work. I do not want to keep you longer than you want to be on here.
ME: Or can be on here lol
Ed: bye hun love you still
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
It is a lot of conversation, but I have not been mad at him since. And like I said he came up here today, and he kissed me. He told me he missed me, he held my hand. He was only here for 30 minutes but it made a huge impression on me. He proved to me he still was in love. And that I was not stupid to hold on.
There is a lot of conversation I am going to cut out and just put in "......"'s to show the breaks. Bare with me. It is still going to be ridiculously long.
*************************************
Ed had been telling me he had been trying to get a hold of me all day and couldn't.
(WARNING: This is not spell checked, etc. The names were changed that was it. We both can spell and all but this in an intense conversation. He was at work and I was at home. So the spelling and all the grammar is not exactly there. It was typed as we thought and that is how I left it. So ignore all the mistakes that you can.)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Ed:: hey i have been trying to get ahold of you all day to talk to you about this so i have come to this conclusion its nothing against you but i have done alot of soul searching and found that i am not ready to be in a relationship at this point in time i am really sorry that it has come to me telling you in an email but i have called on every break but to no avail. once again im really sorry you are a great person and i would love for us to remain friends at least for the time being.
sorry
ed
ME: Why?
Ed: i just explained it to you sweetie
ME: I don't get why you aren't ready ?
Ed: i do love you but i cant do it right now i have to get past my demons before i can do this
ME: I guess I just do not understand. But I'll be here to talk whenever you need it.
Ed: i want to still be friends
Ed: i just cnat do it right now
Ed: im so sorry i didnt want it to be like this
ME: That is fine. I do not think I can chat much ... different reason.
ME: Then why did it !?
ME: Sorry
ME: I'm hurting a lot right now.
ME: You just ripped my soul out of my backbone. I just lost my dream job, trying my hardest ... and I got that call from Charlie and I was okay, I smoked an entire pack of Swisher Cigs last night, and I calmed down finally. Got a lot of rest that I needed to wake up to this.
Ed: THANKS
ME: Sorry
Ed: no
ME: I am honest
ME: I am telling you what I think
Ed: talk to me when you can be civil i feel aweful doing this and then you pull that
ME: Ed.
ME: I am being civil. I am just hurt.
ME: Ok, I'll stop typing as I think because I am sure that does not help.
ME: I need to understand why it is you stepped into a relationship, then decided it not to be the best thing. I honestly cannot fathom that.
ME: What is it that made this decision?
.............................................
ME: I am not trying to be rude by saying this or uncivil, but it hurts more than anything to know you stood here telling people that I was something special.
.............................................
ME: Sorry for being bitter, mad and hurt. What would you do if you woke up this morning and your relationship was assimilated? I got on myspace ... single, facebook single, pof looking .... all before I even got the message. I was a lil pissed at that. Not going to lie.
ME: I understand it now that I have breathed and thought
ME: I'm sorry for acting rashly ...
ME: It was wrong of me to just type something and send it even though I was hurt,
Ed: its ok
Ed: just try to look at it from my point of view
Ed: its been like 6 months since i got out of a 3 year relationship
ME: So is this over her?
ME: Honestly?
Ed: no its over me not being able to cope
ME: I am not sure I get what you are saying.
Ed: ok i thought i was ready but i still feel as if im doing something i shouldntwhen i am with another girl alright
Ed: simply put
ME: Wow. Umm ok.
ME: Never thought I would be thought of as something someone shouldn't do. But that is a new perspective.
Ed: you want honesty
ME: I do
ME: I am just sort of jolted
ME: by that
Ed: there ya go
Ed: ya guys have a concience well at least some
ME: Well, I appreciate your honesty. I am just saying I have never been seen in that light.
Ed: what do you mean
ME: Tell me something. Was I insane when I remember you looking me in the eyes saying you have fallen in love, to have felt it too? Seriously ... should I have just told myself no?
ME: I have never been with someone and them tell me they felt wrong being with me.
ME: That is what I am saying
Ed: OMG
Ed: goodbye
ME: Please no ..
Ed: no
ME: Ed no no listen
ME: I am being serious
Ed: no im done when you called me a liar
Ed: that was it
ME: No you did not lie to me at all
Ed: call me anything but a bitch and a liar
ME: I want to know if I should have told myself to wait
ME: Ed you have never lied to me
ME: I know you have not
ME: I know you love me ... I see it but I want to know if I should have restrained
ME: If I was calling you a liar I would tell you straight out
ME: Do not contort my words.
Ed: do not come at me in that manner trust me you dont want to
Ed: i want us to remain friends and hopefully in time work past this
Ed: but i will not be talked down upon
ME: You aren't
ME: You are an equal
ME: Ok I need to find a way to reword that
ME: I have completely thrown the wrong message at you
ME: I'll have to think of how to reword it. I cannot think of it now. The wheels are turning but nothing is happening.
ME: I am not trying to sound better, higher, anything. I would not call you a liar unless I believed it. You are very honest, and I appreciate that. I just want to know what I should have done if there was something on my part that could have helped You.
Ed: no
Ed: it was that way with my child to be's mother
Ed: not just you
Ed: i dont know what the hell it is
Ed: i guess i never got closure
Ed: i dont know
ME: I undersatand that. I had that once. It took me from March 2005 till February 4, 2006 to find a way.
ME: Now I have closure on that relationship
Ed: i still dont
ME: I understand that. You need to figure out in your heart what it is that you still do not understand, and you need to find your answer to it.
ME: That sounds weird but it is what works
Ed: ya
ME: There is an answer in YOU for closure. She can never give you anything but more questions.
ME: You have that answer. Find it.
ME: That is all I can say on it
Ed: yep
ME: I did not want to find it for so long
ME: But I did.
Ed: i dont know if i want to find it
ME: Wow, I know that feeling. You will never want to find it and end it. But you will never forget what happened and what your answer is. It will make you feel whole again. There is a piece of you that is not completing yourself. You need it to fully love again.
ME: You have to find what it is you want, and then you will find that answer
ME: It may just find you.
ME: I hid it from myself
ME: For so long
ME: I found closure with Charlie quickly because I knew what my answer was. I knew that he was not for me. That even though he wanted me to be his wife, and that I would love to be married and stable that it was not with him. That he needed to go, he needed to live more. his dreams had to be broken to have a better life. he still lived in the fantasy that the first person he loved would be his forever.
ME: And I was that person. It is hard to be the one breaking another's dreams.
Ed: i know it is
Ed: mine was the ones broken
ME: Mine had been. Ed, I'm telling you right now as a friend that loves you more than you will ever understand. You had to have that dream broken. HAD to, not because it was better for you. Not because it was better for her. Not because you weren't meant to be. Because you need the strength to go into this world knowing dreams are .... not reality. They are a dream and that life goes on no matter what happens. You have to know why you wake up in the morning, what drives you to be the best that is you. You have to know what your destiny is.
ME: Anyone that lives there dream is missing out on a whole level of understanding ... they will never know the happiness of themselves.
ME: But that is my answer to things. You may disagree
ME: I hope that you have it in yourself to find an answer. You have a child on the way, it is going to be a beautiful being that will have hopes and dreams and needs someone with a full heart and with a full self, to be strong and be there. A child is innocence, reborn and you are going to have to be there, and know who you are to raise them right.
ME: You are not the only person to benefit from you finding an answer.
Ed: i konw i do i think it will complete me again
ME: That child won't complete you, you can complete you.
ME: You may work toward completing yourself for that child but it is in essence another entity. And no one else can put that piece of your puzzle back in your heart.
ME: I do not want you to be a dad like mine, love one minute, disgust another, I know you won't be. but my dad never found an answer to his divorce.
He hurt a lot from not getting to see his son till he was 7. And when he saw me he loved me because I was his, but hated me because I was an accident, he named me My Rose ... because he cherished me, but he had a split mind. He did not know who he was anymore and he thought he was being loving to me when he was hurting me when he was trying to find that answer. I know in my heart he never meant to hurt me, mom maybe ... he wanted the best for me but it was hell for me because he wanted something full on then he wanted something else.
ME: Sort of like when I look you in the eyes and I feel like you and I have dated for years and loved for a lifetime. But then this happens. It shows Ed, to everyone.
ME: I know you will be one of the most wonderful loving father's in the world. And that you will give that child everything. But you need to find yourself some closure before he or she is born. They were born out of a relationship you could not handle because of this answer. Do not let it come into this world with that question still pending.
Ed: thanks
ME: I want to see you be the best person you can be Ed. I know that piece is within your grasp. If you will let yourself find a reason to get it.
Ed: im working on it trust me
ME: I know it is because when I see you and when you kiss me or even hold my hand I know that you have a lot of love to give and what I have felt is still not all of it.
Ed: what do you mena
Me: I am more intelligent than you think Ed. I can read the heart a lot better than you think. I know that you love with all your heart, but I look at you and I feel you and know that there is something else in you. I have never felt so much emotion and love, but when I close my eyes and take it in, there is one piece missing. The dedication to keep that emotion flowing. You put a damper on yourself around me sometimes.
ME: And it is because that one piece.
ME: You can never have a long term relationship again till you can love as hard as you can all the time.
Ed: starting to notice this
ME: You did the night we met. The night you came up here and made love to me, you did ... until you asked me "Did we just go from having sex to making love". I think you scared yourself. You weren't ready to do that. I think you are, you just do not want to get hurt again. Let me tell you ... the moment you hesitate is the moment that you mess things up. It would be like riding a wheelie and stopping the gas after you get the tire fully up. What is going to happen? You are going to crash.
ME: You caught yourself off guard. You let a wall down that you were afraid for someone to fill.
Ed: tru
ME: Never be afraid to let someone fill your heart with joy, with love, with themself
ME: Find that piece, and tell yourself you are not afraid to love and lose again.
ME: You won't ever lose again if you can do it.
Ed: i know
ME: I don't know if what I am saying is of any help but I hope maybe it is. If you can hear me out and think about it then you have accepted that you need to move on it. You are like me you do not listen to just anyone or hear just anything. If it strikes a cord then you listen, I hope I have. Then at least I know I made a difference to one person in my life.
ME: You know but you are not accepting it.
ME: Like I knew I needed to let my past go
ME: I finally did
ME: I can tell Dad anything now. I do. I called him at work and told him my passion now.
ME: I have never sat down and talked to him about me.
ME: The most passion he has ever seen out of me was the day he put a gun to my 2 puppy's heads and killed them. Then told me he was sorry.
ME: That was nothing compared to the passion I have.
ME: I am not afraid to tell him when I screw up now. I don;t care what he thinks.
ME: You need to find you Ed.
Ed: i know i knwo
ME: You have to find what is stopping you. I know what it is, it should tell you something. The moment you hesitated was the thing you are scared of.
ME: That is where you need to look
ME: I'm here for you Ed. I hope in my heart you will not date someone else till you answer what it is in you. I really hope that you will remember me when you are ready to have another relationship.
Ed: i know you are
ME: I really do not want us to end. I love you, I never thought that I could love someone so quickly. But you are in my heart I let you in here. I never put up the fake wall that is 6 months of a relationship normally. I wanted you to know me.
ME: But you need to be able to do the same.
Ed: i love you too
ME: Not saying that you would, but do not do something stupid. Do not look for someone else to mend you. Please don't. I could never forgive you for that, I could never forgive you if you ran to someone else knowing that you have the answer.
Ed: i wont
ME: Thank you. Ed, I have so much in my heart for you. I am not going to hurt and cry because now I get it. I think you see that I know what I am talking about. I hope you understand that I am here for you. You can come up here and see me any time you want. Drop in and say hi. You can call me whenever. I am here for you. I want to see you be able to love again with full force.
ME: Have a good evening. You are about to be off work. I do not want to keep you longer than you want to be on here.
ME: Or can be on here lol
Ed: bye hun love you still
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It is a lot of conversation, but I have not been mad at him since. And like I said he came up here today, and he kissed me. He told me he missed me, he held my hand. He was only here for 30 minutes but it made a huge impression on me. He proved to me he still was in love. And that I was not stupid to hold on.
Another Letter to Ed
Me and Ed broke up the other morning because he still has not found closure on his last relationship. He and I still love each other, and he still talks to me. We have stayed close like we are in a relationship still. He showed up at random today.
Ed,
Tonight, you really showed me you still cared. I felt so horrible holding back some my feelings because I knew that you couldn’t stay long. I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much I want to be with you. How I can’t do anything without thinking of you. God, I was in the bath tub soaking my knee thinking about when you sat in there with me. I remember how much that meant to me to have you just be calm and cool and be there. To look me in the eyes and kiss me when I was just doing something normal and everyday. I remember thinking how I used to always want someone to just sit and talk to me when I was soaking. Just to be there and break the silence and the monotony, and give me a smile when I was soaking for pain. You did that, and I never had to ask.
You held me the night before my interview and just knowing that you were beside me would have sufficed. But you went the extra distance to make me feel good; to make me feel calm and collected. The little things you do make a huge difference to me. Telling me you thought about bringing me a single rose, it was the thought that was so incredibly sweet that it just put a smile on my face. You may not believe this but thinking about you puts a smile on my face. That just does not happen with me. I am a very somber, very serious, extremely collected person …. Until I get around you. I just lighten up and let my real self come out and I let the world see it. I wanted when you showed up to just hold you tight and cry because I missed you so much. I wanted to curl up in your lap and kiss on you. I wanted to kiss down your jaw and hear the tiny moan and feel the small quiver your jaw makes, I wanted to look you in the eyes and tell you that you mean more to me than anything on this Earth; I wanted to tell you that I want you; in every sense of the word I want you. But I knew that you wanted me to hold back because of your journey to find an answer. When you told me you missed me it made my eyes water, that was all I wanted to hear from you. More so than “I love you” I wanted to know that you missed being here. We spent almost everyday together, and I would love to spend so many more with you. I was hoping to see you again tonight. When you said you were going to see Sissy, I thought maybe I could persuade you to bring your bike over here. And let me see the lights, but even more let me see you. I wanted to hold on to you and never let go. I lost my breath when I kissed you. Because I was so relieved that you pulled me to you like I had wanted to do. When I was rubbing your hands I could just remember the way they felt on my skin and on my neck. I remembered how they felt when you held me tight, or when you ran them over my back.
You are so amazing to me Ed. I do not know what has come over me to love someone so fast, and so intensely. I have never been one to believe in love and first site. I never really said it was not true but it did not happen to me. I never believed in soul mates and all that, but honestly, when you walked out the door today I watched you till you left. I couldn’t break my vision. Under normal circumstances I would have just closed the door and sighed. When I did let the door close, I breathed in deep, closed my eyes. I remembered your smell, I remembered your words, I remembered your touch, and I remembered looking into your gorgeous eyes.
My life has been going to hell, and to be honest normally…. I would actually have gotten suicidal by now. I would just want it all to end. I would want to go to sleep with a bottle of pills in me and never awake. The thought has not crossed my mind. I have told my family what is going on and I have told them that I am working as hard as I can to solve things. I have put in over 200 applications. I checked my emails for the confirmation that I submitted my resume. I have relocated my funds; I have become friends with Charlie. I have done a lot. I am actually proud of how well I am taking everything. I have never felt pride in myself. My abilities on occasion … but at how well I am doing, never. I know that life will go on no matter what and that I cannot worry or I will only cause myself more problems. I have already found some alternate ways of getting temporary funds in the case that I cannot get paid before bills come. I have a friend that will loan it to me. I told him I do not at any time want to HAVE to, but if I feel I put as much effort as I can into finding a job and into getting one, that I will find one. And if it is late in the month then the first paycheck I get I will start paying him back. He told me he would give it to me and I told him no, that if I get to that situation that I will pay him back. No matter what if I have to make payments for a year and a half I will. But I am keeping logical even when I have this much stress.
I have to say honestly, my thoughts of you keep me from being insane. I know that I am the one that changed me to the person I finally wanted to be but it took an influence in my life that I did not have. It took a degree of understanding that I didn’t have before. It is like you came into my life and the person that I wanted to be all my life finally became. I know that ultimately I made it happen and made the decision but I cannot understand what the influence that you had over me was. I cannot comprehend why I could not do it before, why I failed.
Thank you Ed, for being everything that you are. You asked me why you are alive; I personally told you everyone has their own meaning in life. That is true but I also believe that each person is meant to be something to someone else and to help them find more meaning or to find themselves. You have helped me to become what I have been working toward for years. You have helped me learn what real love is. That it isn’t learned. You have showed me that all the passion in the world is in someone’s eyes. I could literally go on forever. Every time that I see you it seems like I find something else to be thankful for, that you just being there makes me learn. I hope that you can understand where I am coming from. I do not know if I will ever be that important to another person on this earth, but I hope that I can be.
I really want to know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. I want to know your inner most thoughts. You seem relaxed when you are around me. You said so on my couch just today that you were relaxing. You also told me that it is hard for you to relax in front of anyone. I hope that maybe I help that. I want to know what you want. I would argue that I need to know, but I can’t say that. I can only know what you want me to know. Your eyes told me a lot; they showed me you still loved me. I also know you would never forgive me if I were to seek out another man to comfort me. And believe me, you are irreplaceable. Do not pull the shit about it has happened before, that was her. I could search this world over and never be fully happy again without you. Maybe someone else let you go, maybe someone else dropped you like a fly, but that someone will never be me. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me you could love someone more than me, then I would believe you. I would then believe that you were not the one for me. But until that moment, when you can do that I will never believe that another person could take your place. I know you thought you achieved nirvana, you dated a girl for 3 years, you got engaged. You had the best you thought. Let me tell you bluntly. She went and found someone else. You were happy, she was not. I know this because I was happy once. Blindly happy, oh I wanted to see myself walking the aisle, in a white gown. I wanted to see him standing there, a big grin on his face ready to take me as his. I wanted to know what it was like to be with him every night, and cook for him every day, I wanted to nurture him and love him with every piece of my soul. You know what (?); he was not as in love or as happy. He thought he was, he thought he loved me with everything. But there was a chamber of his heart that I was not in. And that meant that my bliss was only for what I knew of him. He still seeked something more. That last bit of him he did not know about. He thought I was the best that was going to happen and I thought he had given me all of him. That is what has happened to you Ed. Someone locked you out of them; they let you think you were there. That you were their everything. They found someone else because something was missing. It was in her, there is never anything you can do to open it. Do not act like you can. Do not ask yourself why, because you will NEVER know. The human heart is a mysterious thing. You will know for yourself eventually. I know that I could tell you all day what happened to me and you would listen but you do not want to hear the truth of it. You have to tell it to yourself. I love you Ed. There is not a part of me that you cannot explore, inside and out. I am here giving you my heart. I have never given my heart to someone. But I think you need it more than I. You need the strength and you need to know how open one can be to you. Ask me anything, tell me anything. If you were in front of me right now, I would take your right hand place it on my chest, I would make you feel what is there, and I would tell you it is yours. Use it wisely. I may house a beating heart but the emotional heart that envelopes it, is yours. You need to feel a whole heart. I think you did the day we met. I think you did when you sang to me. I know you did when you made love to me. And it scared you.
You are the best I have ever had. I mean that sexually, I mean that emotionally, I mean that in whatever sense you want to take it. I hope that I can be that for you. I strive for it. You told me when I lost that interview and I said that I wanted it so bad, “Then go get it.” Take your own words and determine what it is you want and “Go get it.”
With love,
Iysis
Ed,
Tonight, you really showed me you still cared. I felt so horrible holding back some my feelings because I knew that you couldn’t stay long. I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much I want to be with you. How I can’t do anything without thinking of you. God, I was in the bath tub soaking my knee thinking about when you sat in there with me. I remember how much that meant to me to have you just be calm and cool and be there. To look me in the eyes and kiss me when I was just doing something normal and everyday. I remember thinking how I used to always want someone to just sit and talk to me when I was soaking. Just to be there and break the silence and the monotony, and give me a smile when I was soaking for pain. You did that, and I never had to ask.
You held me the night before my interview and just knowing that you were beside me would have sufficed. But you went the extra distance to make me feel good; to make me feel calm and collected. The little things you do make a huge difference to me. Telling me you thought about bringing me a single rose, it was the thought that was so incredibly sweet that it just put a smile on my face. You may not believe this but thinking about you puts a smile on my face. That just does not happen with me. I am a very somber, very serious, extremely collected person …. Until I get around you. I just lighten up and let my real self come out and I let the world see it. I wanted when you showed up to just hold you tight and cry because I missed you so much. I wanted to curl up in your lap and kiss on you. I wanted to kiss down your jaw and hear the tiny moan and feel the small quiver your jaw makes, I wanted to look you in the eyes and tell you that you mean more to me than anything on this Earth; I wanted to tell you that I want you; in every sense of the word I want you. But I knew that you wanted me to hold back because of your journey to find an answer. When you told me you missed me it made my eyes water, that was all I wanted to hear from you. More so than “I love you” I wanted to know that you missed being here. We spent almost everyday together, and I would love to spend so many more with you. I was hoping to see you again tonight. When you said you were going to see Sissy, I thought maybe I could persuade you to bring your bike over here. And let me see the lights, but even more let me see you. I wanted to hold on to you and never let go. I lost my breath when I kissed you. Because I was so relieved that you pulled me to you like I had wanted to do. When I was rubbing your hands I could just remember the way they felt on my skin and on my neck. I remembered how they felt when you held me tight, or when you ran them over my back.
You are so amazing to me Ed. I do not know what has come over me to love someone so fast, and so intensely. I have never been one to believe in love and first site. I never really said it was not true but it did not happen to me. I never believed in soul mates and all that, but honestly, when you walked out the door today I watched you till you left. I couldn’t break my vision. Under normal circumstances I would have just closed the door and sighed. When I did let the door close, I breathed in deep, closed my eyes. I remembered your smell, I remembered your words, I remembered your touch, and I remembered looking into your gorgeous eyes.
My life has been going to hell, and to be honest normally…. I would actually have gotten suicidal by now. I would just want it all to end. I would want to go to sleep with a bottle of pills in me and never awake. The thought has not crossed my mind. I have told my family what is going on and I have told them that I am working as hard as I can to solve things. I have put in over 200 applications. I checked my emails for the confirmation that I submitted my resume. I have relocated my funds; I have become friends with Charlie. I have done a lot. I am actually proud of how well I am taking everything. I have never felt pride in myself. My abilities on occasion … but at how well I am doing, never. I know that life will go on no matter what and that I cannot worry or I will only cause myself more problems. I have already found some alternate ways of getting temporary funds in the case that I cannot get paid before bills come. I have a friend that will loan it to me. I told him I do not at any time want to HAVE to, but if I feel I put as much effort as I can into finding a job and into getting one, that I will find one. And if it is late in the month then the first paycheck I get I will start paying him back. He told me he would give it to me and I told him no, that if I get to that situation that I will pay him back. No matter what if I have to make payments for a year and a half I will. But I am keeping logical even when I have this much stress.
I have to say honestly, my thoughts of you keep me from being insane. I know that I am the one that changed me to the person I finally wanted to be but it took an influence in my life that I did not have. It took a degree of understanding that I didn’t have before. It is like you came into my life and the person that I wanted to be all my life finally became. I know that ultimately I made it happen and made the decision but I cannot understand what the influence that you had over me was. I cannot comprehend why I could not do it before, why I failed.
Thank you Ed, for being everything that you are. You asked me why you are alive; I personally told you everyone has their own meaning in life. That is true but I also believe that each person is meant to be something to someone else and to help them find more meaning or to find themselves. You have helped me to become what I have been working toward for years. You have helped me learn what real love is. That it isn’t learned. You have showed me that all the passion in the world is in someone’s eyes. I could literally go on forever. Every time that I see you it seems like I find something else to be thankful for, that you just being there makes me learn. I hope that you can understand where I am coming from. I do not know if I will ever be that important to another person on this earth, but I hope that I can be.
I really want to know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. I want to know your inner most thoughts. You seem relaxed when you are around me. You said so on my couch just today that you were relaxing. You also told me that it is hard for you to relax in front of anyone. I hope that maybe I help that. I want to know what you want. I would argue that I need to know, but I can’t say that. I can only know what you want me to know. Your eyes told me a lot; they showed me you still loved me. I also know you would never forgive me if I were to seek out another man to comfort me. And believe me, you are irreplaceable. Do not pull the shit about it has happened before, that was her. I could search this world over and never be fully happy again without you. Maybe someone else let you go, maybe someone else dropped you like a fly, but that someone will never be me. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me you could love someone more than me, then I would believe you. I would then believe that you were not the one for me. But until that moment, when you can do that I will never believe that another person could take your place. I know you thought you achieved nirvana, you dated a girl for 3 years, you got engaged. You had the best you thought. Let me tell you bluntly. She went and found someone else. You were happy, she was not. I know this because I was happy once. Blindly happy, oh I wanted to see myself walking the aisle, in a white gown. I wanted to see him standing there, a big grin on his face ready to take me as his. I wanted to know what it was like to be with him every night, and cook for him every day, I wanted to nurture him and love him with every piece of my soul. You know what (?); he was not as in love or as happy. He thought he was, he thought he loved me with everything. But there was a chamber of his heart that I was not in. And that meant that my bliss was only for what I knew of him. He still seeked something more. That last bit of him he did not know about. He thought I was the best that was going to happen and I thought he had given me all of him. That is what has happened to you Ed. Someone locked you out of them; they let you think you were there. That you were their everything. They found someone else because something was missing. It was in her, there is never anything you can do to open it. Do not act like you can. Do not ask yourself why, because you will NEVER know. The human heart is a mysterious thing. You will know for yourself eventually. I know that I could tell you all day what happened to me and you would listen but you do not want to hear the truth of it. You have to tell it to yourself. I love you Ed. There is not a part of me that you cannot explore, inside and out. I am here giving you my heart. I have never given my heart to someone. But I think you need it more than I. You need the strength and you need to know how open one can be to you. Ask me anything, tell me anything. If you were in front of me right now, I would take your right hand place it on my chest, I would make you feel what is there, and I would tell you it is yours. Use it wisely. I may house a beating heart but the emotional heart that envelopes it, is yours. You need to feel a whole heart. I think you did the day we met. I think you did when you sang to me. I know you did when you made love to me. And it scared you.
You are the best I have ever had. I mean that sexually, I mean that emotionally, I mean that in whatever sense you want to take it. I hope that I can be that for you. I strive for it. You told me when I lost that interview and I said that I wanted it so bad, “Then go get it.” Take your own words and determine what it is you want and “Go get it.”
With love,
Iysis
Monday, March 5, 2007
Fantasies
So yeah this post should have came before the other one, but it is still important to me. Enough to put it out of order. lol Well me and Ed have had sex 4 times in total. I mentioned our first encounter. The same night we had a second one. But the one I really want to write about was when he came to my house.
We were having a good time and got into the bedroom and started at each other. In the middle he had me get up on top. I have always felt like I am not good on top but the look on his face and the moans that came out of his mouth told me different. It was feeling, magnificent, he looked me in the eyes every moment and all of a sudden, I kissed him. He held my back to him and stopped the movement. We kissed and he moved slowly pumping inside me. He talked to me, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me he wasn't just falling in love that he had fallen. I told him that I had too that he meant so much to me. The intensity of the emotions flowed through my body. Yet he was barely moving. I just looked him in the eyes and kissed him. He broke the silence, "Did we just go from having sex to making love?" "Yeah ... we did" I started grinding slowly, he sat up and hugged me tight. He looked me in the eyes. "This feels perfect, not the sex ... this ... us. Everything about it." I smiled and threw my arms around him tighter. "I could not be more happy than I am with you." After about a half an hour or making love, my body was overjoyed. We went back to having sex. He and I went for another hour and a half or so and it just felt amazing.
He had fulfilled my greatest fantasy. I wanted someone to go from having sex with me to just having an intense feeling of love and let it turn to making love. I had always just had sex until then, Keith wanted to say it was making love but he was just fucking me. Ed's emotions flowed through me and I felt like he could feel how I did. I felt an overwhelming amount of joy, I felt like my heart was mending, I felt like I was closer to him. There was a warm, happy sensation that I noticed all the way in my scalp and my toes. I was so confused at first, that this is what it felt like. I have always wanted to experience something amazing during sex, not just an orgasm or multiple ones I wanted to be happy with everything and be free. I wanted to throw my inhibition to the wind. And I did that. I was on top, the position I was always afraid I was bad at and I achieved my greatest fantasy. Wow, just wow. I wish I could elaborate more and explain it but I still find it hard to believe.
We were having a good time and got into the bedroom and started at each other. In the middle he had me get up on top. I have always felt like I am not good on top but the look on his face and the moans that came out of his mouth told me different. It was feeling, magnificent, he looked me in the eyes every moment and all of a sudden, I kissed him. He held my back to him and stopped the movement. We kissed and he moved slowly pumping inside me. He talked to me, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me he wasn't just falling in love that he had fallen. I told him that I had too that he meant so much to me. The intensity of the emotions flowed through my body. Yet he was barely moving. I just looked him in the eyes and kissed him. He broke the silence, "Did we just go from having sex to making love?" "Yeah ... we did" I started grinding slowly, he sat up and hugged me tight. He looked me in the eyes. "This feels perfect, not the sex ... this ... us. Everything about it." I smiled and threw my arms around him tighter. "I could not be more happy than I am with you." After about a half an hour or making love, my body was overjoyed. We went back to having sex. He and I went for another hour and a half or so and it just felt amazing.
He had fulfilled my greatest fantasy. I wanted someone to go from having sex with me to just having an intense feeling of love and let it turn to making love. I had always just had sex until then, Keith wanted to say it was making love but he was just fucking me. Ed's emotions flowed through me and I felt like he could feel how I did. I felt an overwhelming amount of joy, I felt like my heart was mending, I felt like I was closer to him. There was a warm, happy sensation that I noticed all the way in my scalp and my toes. I was so confused at first, that this is what it felt like. I have always wanted to experience something amazing during sex, not just an orgasm or multiple ones I wanted to be happy with everything and be free. I wanted to throw my inhibition to the wind. And I did that. I was on top, the position I was always afraid I was bad at and I achieved my greatest fantasy. Wow, just wow. I wish I could elaborate more and explain it but I still find it hard to believe.
Sunday, March 4, 2007
Message to Ed
Ed,
Wow, how do I start this? I have been so distraught about everything that I think I have given myself a permanent headache. It hurts to know that I called my mom to tell her how excited I was about you. I got the courage up to tell her about Charlie and everything that was going on and when I called she wasn’t even happy to hear my voice. She asked if I had a job yet. And asked how Charlie was. I told her straight up he was gone. She wanted to know where he was and if he was okay and what I had done to him. She told me I was worthless. That I couldn’t keep anything, a job, school, a boyfriend. Baby, that hurts. I told her I had found someone great and she was like, Ok. It hurts baby. I laid in the bathtub for 3 hours and I cannot fathom why someone would treat me like that.
I used to run track and play sports to show them I was athletic, I did academic team got good grades to show them I was smart, I did color guard, FFA, poi, dance, photography (etc) to show that I was talented, I did pageants to prove I was pretty. And every time they shot me down.
At my first pageant my mom took me backstage and told me that it was an embarrassment to see me get up there and dance because she would be the laughing stock of the city. That I was not even close to pretty enough to be in pageants. I got an offer to go to the Miss KY pageant she told me I was too fat, that my face was ugly, I had huge legs and that I would just make an idiot of myself. It hurt, but I listened and I didn’t do it. I won talent and I tried to tell her that I did well and she told me the only reason I got it is because it was the only “different” one. I tried to just ignore what she was saying. I wanted to feel good about myself. But every morning when I would get ready she would sneer at me and tell me that I looked like a dumb slut. It got to me.
When I ran track I always ran for me, I wanted to dominate. I wanted to crush and win. I wanted Dad to be proud that I was a runner too. I would come home and tell him my times. I could have run well. I didn’t run right, I ran on my toes. My calves were too thick to get good speed. He was told by Johnny Greene who was 2 places from going to the last Olympics that I had talent that with work I was going to be unstoppable. He told me I might as well quit. I didn’t but it hurt. And I always wanted him to come to ONE meet. Just to see me run. He told me he had better things to do and see. He was at home drunk.
I would come home and just go to sleep. I just let it go. Then I did tennis he came to a match I was so excited. My knee went out and I lost. It was love: love I was about to corner cut the bitch and I slammed my knee into the ground. He just walked away went to the truck and left. He didn’t come see if I was okay. I got up and played another match anyway. I was in no shape to but I needed it. I won. But he wasn’t there. It made me just want to die.
When I got a 4.0 my senior year they told me it was because I took easy classes. I told them I took EVERY AP class the school offered. That I took: AP Calc, AP English, AP Physics, and AP US History (11th grade) I took regular Calc, I took journalism/yearbook I was editor, Spanish II, and Greenhouse. I was a math tutor for 28 sophomores, I tutored seniors, and I helped out my college friends. I used to stay after school when I was off work and go into some of the classrooms where kids were struggling and tell them. It was okay talk to me about what was wrong. Tell me why they had trouble. That they stayed after because they cared they just needed to listen and try. I showed them alternate methods. The teachers loved it. I used to go to the library and help check in books and put them back. I was Academic Team Captain, I was published, I got the only distinguished portfolio in the senior class. And when I would come home, I mentioned things like that to my parents. They told me that I needed to go feed the goats, the chickens, the ducks and the dogs. And the lawn needed mowed. So I would go do it. I would grab 5 gallon buckets and haul water to them. But when I came in they told me I never did “shit” around the house. That I didn’t care about those animals that if it wasn’t for them the things would starve. I got so mad, I would go out there every day and every day they told me I didn’t do anything. I would cut wood for the wood stove, but I never got credit. I helped in the garden, but to them it was like I was never there. It eats me alive inside when I think about the credit that I never got.
I have always told myself to let it go, that in the end they would be sorry. That when I moved they would see how much help I really was. They would see I was so great. And when they came up here my house was too “messy” even though my mom has never cleaned the house in over 3 years. That it had clutter like crazy. The dishes were the only thing that got done once a week. I look at them and I hate them, but at the same time I feel like I have something to prove. I want to prove it was better that I was not an abortion. I want to prove I was worth the bankruptcy. I want to prove I am worth well anything. I bring people home for them to meet and they love them, then when I call they want to know about them. If something goes wrong it is my fault. I deserve to get hit I probably said something stupid. I deserve to be treated badly because I will never stop being a bitch.
And when I try to stop caring what they think and move past it, it backfires in my face. I call to tell them I have moved on that I have found someone amazing. All I get is well what the hell did you do to run him off!? And they tell me how the poor guy I am with now better run and get away from me. They tell me how they never want to see me with kids that they would be the most horrible, wretched things to walk this earth. That I would be a horrid mom. I ignore it and I try to tell myself they are just trying to hurt me. But I let them. I’m done. I have said this once before, and I tried but then I had a voice here at my home telling me that I was stupid that I needed to listen to them and tell them everything. I am done playing their sick mind games. This life is mine. I will make me happy. I do not give a damn if they love me. Let them love Luke, let them love Rob. Let them disown me … they already did so long ago. I never was theirs. Let God help them.
I am ready to be happy. I am ready to stop going into a slump about my life because I will never be good enough. It is hard to not be good enough if there is no one to prove myself to. I have known this, and I have tried but I need support. I have let all the things they have done go past, I did that on my last attempt. I did not forget them but I forgave them. Now it is time to get rid of my want to please them. It is pointless, it is me trying to hurt myself.
Baby … I love you. I needed to write this to get it out of my system. To see it in front of me to let you know where I am at. Do not ever think that you are not good enough. Or that you are in a competition. In my heart there is no competition there is just you. In my mind there is no competition … in my soul there is no competition. In my past there was. When I look at you I see that I am going to be happy, that I am going to be okay. I know you won’t let me forget who I am and you won’t let me beat myself up. You and I are of one mind it seems and I am glad. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my everything. For being the person I think of when I wake up, for being the person that makes me heart flutter, for being the person that calms me with your voice, for being the one person that can call me baby and make me smile. Thank you … for all the things I feel.
I am sorry that I have been in a bad mood and not feeling well lately it has affected my mood. And I can tell it has ticked you off. And when I see that it makes me feel horrible beyond your comprehension. I feel like I have taken a knife and stabbed myself in the heart when I know I have made you upset or made you frown. I love your smile and you. Don’t take it so personally that my parents are them … I’m not anymore.
Wow, how do I start this? I have been so distraught about everything that I think I have given myself a permanent headache. It hurts to know that I called my mom to tell her how excited I was about you. I got the courage up to tell her about Charlie and everything that was going on and when I called she wasn’t even happy to hear my voice. She asked if I had a job yet. And asked how Charlie was. I told her straight up he was gone. She wanted to know where he was and if he was okay and what I had done to him. She told me I was worthless. That I couldn’t keep anything, a job, school, a boyfriend. Baby, that hurts. I told her I had found someone great and she was like, Ok. It hurts baby. I laid in the bathtub for 3 hours and I cannot fathom why someone would treat me like that.
I used to run track and play sports to show them I was athletic, I did academic team got good grades to show them I was smart, I did color guard, FFA, poi, dance, photography (etc) to show that I was talented, I did pageants to prove I was pretty. And every time they shot me down.
At my first pageant my mom took me backstage and told me that it was an embarrassment to see me get up there and dance because she would be the laughing stock of the city. That I was not even close to pretty enough to be in pageants. I got an offer to go to the Miss KY pageant she told me I was too fat, that my face was ugly, I had huge legs and that I would just make an idiot of myself. It hurt, but I listened and I didn’t do it. I won talent and I tried to tell her that I did well and she told me the only reason I got it is because it was the only “different” one. I tried to just ignore what she was saying. I wanted to feel good about myself. But every morning when I would get ready she would sneer at me and tell me that I looked like a dumb slut. It got to me.
When I ran track I always ran for me, I wanted to dominate. I wanted to crush and win. I wanted Dad to be proud that I was a runner too. I would come home and tell him my times. I could have run well. I didn’t run right, I ran on my toes. My calves were too thick to get good speed. He was told by Johnny Greene who was 2 places from going to the last Olympics that I had talent that with work I was going to be unstoppable. He told me I might as well quit. I didn’t but it hurt. And I always wanted him to come to ONE meet. Just to see me run. He told me he had better things to do and see. He was at home drunk.
I would come home and just go to sleep. I just let it go. Then I did tennis he came to a match I was so excited. My knee went out and I lost. It was love: love I was about to corner cut the bitch and I slammed my knee into the ground. He just walked away went to the truck and left. He didn’t come see if I was okay. I got up and played another match anyway. I was in no shape to but I needed it. I won. But he wasn’t there. It made me just want to die.
When I got a 4.0 my senior year they told me it was because I took easy classes. I told them I took EVERY AP class the school offered. That I took: AP Calc, AP English, AP Physics, and AP US History (11th grade) I took regular Calc, I took journalism/yearbook I was editor, Spanish II, and Greenhouse. I was a math tutor for 28 sophomores, I tutored seniors, and I helped out my college friends. I used to stay after school when I was off work and go into some of the classrooms where kids were struggling and tell them. It was okay talk to me about what was wrong. Tell me why they had trouble. That they stayed after because they cared they just needed to listen and try. I showed them alternate methods. The teachers loved it. I used to go to the library and help check in books and put them back. I was Academic Team Captain, I was published, I got the only distinguished portfolio in the senior class. And when I would come home, I mentioned things like that to my parents. They told me that I needed to go feed the goats, the chickens, the ducks and the dogs. And the lawn needed mowed. So I would go do it. I would grab 5 gallon buckets and haul water to them. But when I came in they told me I never did “shit” around the house. That I didn’t care about those animals that if it wasn’t for them the things would starve. I got so mad, I would go out there every day and every day they told me I didn’t do anything. I would cut wood for the wood stove, but I never got credit. I helped in the garden, but to them it was like I was never there. It eats me alive inside when I think about the credit that I never got.
I have always told myself to let it go, that in the end they would be sorry. That when I moved they would see how much help I really was. They would see I was so great. And when they came up here my house was too “messy” even though my mom has never cleaned the house in over 3 years. That it had clutter like crazy. The dishes were the only thing that got done once a week. I look at them and I hate them, but at the same time I feel like I have something to prove. I want to prove it was better that I was not an abortion. I want to prove I was worth the bankruptcy. I want to prove I am worth well anything. I bring people home for them to meet and they love them, then when I call they want to know about them. If something goes wrong it is my fault. I deserve to get hit I probably said something stupid. I deserve to be treated badly because I will never stop being a bitch.
And when I try to stop caring what they think and move past it, it backfires in my face. I call to tell them I have moved on that I have found someone amazing. All I get is well what the hell did you do to run him off!? And they tell me how the poor guy I am with now better run and get away from me. They tell me how they never want to see me with kids that they would be the most horrible, wretched things to walk this earth. That I would be a horrid mom. I ignore it and I try to tell myself they are just trying to hurt me. But I let them. I’m done. I have said this once before, and I tried but then I had a voice here at my home telling me that I was stupid that I needed to listen to them and tell them everything. I am done playing their sick mind games. This life is mine. I will make me happy. I do not give a damn if they love me. Let them love Luke, let them love Rob. Let them disown me … they already did so long ago. I never was theirs. Let God help them.
I am ready to be happy. I am ready to stop going into a slump about my life because I will never be good enough. It is hard to not be good enough if there is no one to prove myself to. I have known this, and I have tried but I need support. I have let all the things they have done go past, I did that on my last attempt. I did not forget them but I forgave them. Now it is time to get rid of my want to please them. It is pointless, it is me trying to hurt myself.
Baby … I love you. I needed to write this to get it out of my system. To see it in front of me to let you know where I am at. Do not ever think that you are not good enough. Or that you are in a competition. In my heart there is no competition there is just you. In my mind there is no competition … in my soul there is no competition. In my past there was. When I look at you I see that I am going to be happy, that I am going to be okay. I know you won’t let me forget who I am and you won’t let me beat myself up. You and I are of one mind it seems and I am glad. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my everything. For being the person I think of when I wake up, for being the person that makes me heart flutter, for being the person that calms me with your voice, for being the one person that can call me baby and make me smile. Thank you … for all the things I feel.
I am sorry that I have been in a bad mood and not feeling well lately it has affected my mood. And I can tell it has ticked you off. And when I see that it makes me feel horrible beyond your comprehension. I feel like I have taken a knife and stabbed myself in the heart when I know I have made you upset or made you frown. I love your smile and you. Don’t take it so personally that my parents are them … I’m not anymore.
Friday, March 2, 2007
My Answer
When I looked into myself I realized what was happening. I had always had to work at loving someone, as odd as that may sound. I would like them a lot but I had to work at learning to love them. I felt like I had already done that. But I can't be in love can I ? I really can't be, not this easily. Ok so lets get this story rolling again.
So to sum up the rest of that day, I was there till 10 pm and he asked me to stay there with him. And I told him I would. We went back to his room and talked some more, we started making out again and I ended up on top of him naked. And wow am I glad I did. Now, I'll be honest it wasn't as good as Keith but it emotionally felt better, and it was damn close to feeling better than him. He did everything the way I like it. The next morning we took a shower together and it felt right. I have only showered with Charles and I am very self conscious. He kept telling me I was amazing, and beautiful. It felt really good to hear.
I woke up that morning as he did and I looked in his eyes. They are so beautiful, I know why in High School he got voted Best Eyes. He smiled and said, "Good morning, baby" and I got the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy to have someone look at me so lovingly. I knew that this was going somewhere. And I was right.
When he dropped me off he was going to go home and ride his motorcycle (which is pimp btw) because it was pretty out. He texted me a lil later and asked how long it would take me to get to a certain area of the city. I told him by foot about 15 minutes. He asked if I wanted to see him, and I told him of course. So we met at the closest store in the area. I ended up hitchhiking for the first time ever. And it was nice it was a guy who was very generous and helpful. So it cut my walk down by 5 minutes. He was there on his bike and we just walked around and talked. It was a really good feeling, to be holding his hand and walking around. I didn't even care where we were I watching him and smiled. He asked me, "So are we dating?" And I told him, "If you would ask." "Well what would you say if I asked?" "Yes" "Well we're dating then!" I was so happy. I didn't think about it though, Charles was still in the house. So I had to make some good decisions. He finally said he had to go. I told him I was gonna walk back, he told me it hurt that he couldn't take me home. But I didn't have a helmet and I knew that no one rides without one. I wouldn't have gotten on without one anyway. So I told him I would find my way to not feel bad. I could still tell it was killing him. But I told him to get home and relax to not worry a bit about it. I watched him ride off and I just smiled. I really really could see myself with him.
I called Charles and asked if he would give me a ride, that rush hour had hit and I really would have trouble crossing the 4 lane highway. He didn't want to but he came. There was a lot more tension. When we got home. I sat and thought what I wanted. And I told him I thought it would be best if he left. That it was just tension between us. I have an excerpt from the break up.
Me says:
Charles ...
Charles says:
What?
Me says:
Stop acting like that
Me says:
This is how you push me away
Me says:
And I won't put up with it
Charles says:
Fine.
Me says:
.....
Charles says:
I guess we're done then.
Me says:
Ok.
Me says:
I want you to know I love you still but I think that we just push each other apart more than anything
Me says:
It kills me inside.
Charles says:
It was bound to happen.
Charles says:
I should have just left that night.
Me says:
I'm sorry for all the shit I have done.
Charles says:
I wouldn't have to deal with all this bullshit.
Charles says:
I can't be with someone with shitty morales.
Me says:
Charles ... please just do not be pissed at me. I still love you to death but it kills me to be pushed away.
Me says:
I am sorry that I have shitty morals.
Me says:
It is so hard for me now to be around you because I feel like you do not want me around ... and I have felt it since we last fought.
Charles says:
I'm going to do my laundry tonight and maybe have steve get me tomorrow.
That night he cried for hours, he hugged on me and called me baby. But he never asked to stay. He told me he would still pay his half of the rent because his name was on the lease. I felt so bad for him because I really saw how much he still loved me. He wanted to grow old with me, and be my husband. But it was not meant to be. Too many mistakes had happened now. Too many things that neither of us could forgive. He told me he thought maybe one day we would be back together I told him no. That this was the end, and that he needed to understand that. That I loved him and that he was great but it was not going to work. He could never trust or respect me again. And nor could I for him. I slept with him for one last night, I stayed in his arms it felt good but I knew it was the end. I cried too because I had gotten used to him being there. The next morning he scrapped his car, and Steve came and got him. He hugged me good bye and told me he loved me, that I would be ok. To be strong. I looked him in the eyes ... he was crying. I let a tear roll down my face and he was gone for good. I was hard. His cat would not come out to say bye and it really hurt that she was so upset with everything. I cried for her and me cause I do not know what I am going to do. I am recently unemployed, I have little to no money, and well I have a lease till June 30th. I have all kinds of applications in but no one is calling.
Ed told me to go to a temp service and I am going to today.
Ed came up after Charles left. He brought me a chain lock. He wanted me to feel safer, and he wanted me to be protected. I thought it was really really sweet of him. He did not want anything to happen to me. He put it on for me when he got here. I felt better when he was here. That hole in my heart felt like someone had patched it. He held me, I could tell Ed knew it was hard on me to see him go. But he was here for me now. And I am so thankful for that. He and I watched movies and listened to music. I made him and I some food and we just had an enjoyable time. We got intimate again. And he took me to the bedroom. It started out as just sex, and then he pulled me to him and kissed me. He started to so very slowly and passionately. He told me he could feel himself falling bad. That he couldn't believe his heart. I looked him in the whole time, and my entire body felt amazing. He looked at me again and asked, "Did we just got from having sex to making love?" and I told him that we had. He stared into my eyes and I could feel my heart falling more and more. He held me close and told me that he wasn't just falling that he had already. My heart sputtered and I kissed him. We sat up and he held me so tight as he kissed me. When we were done he stared in my eyes and nothing had to be said I knew he had been feeling the same things I had been. When he went to lay back down I held the back of his head and he smiled. He means the world to me. I have never had someone actually make love to me like that. It was just sex, I only felt it as sex. My mind, my heart, my sex drive all felt it now. We started to go back to having sex and I paused a moment. He touched my face and had his thumb behind my ear, he told me he had never been like this before. And I told him that I always had to work on loving people then he stepped into my life and it was like I already loved everything about him. He rolled me over and we continued to have sex. He stood up on the floor and pulled me to the edge by my hips and I thought the orgasm Keith gave me was strong this on literally made my legs go numb. I was laying there and I couldn't walk for 5-10 minutes. He was like "I didn't slip your vertebrae did I?" Hell he could have but it felt GOOD. haha After, he held me and rubbed on my back. We talked about what we said. I guess to make sure it wasn't the sex talking. I was glad that we did talk about it again. We get dressed and he and I took my rental movie back. And picked up a few things for dinner. I made french toast and biscuits. He used my phone to call his mom. I heard him in the other room telling her that I was the best thing to happen to him. That he was so happy with me. I almost cried. Then he brought the phone in and told me to introduce myself. I talked to her and I could tell she really liked me. And even more when he was saying something about smoking and I told him he didn't need to smoke. That he needed to quit. He was really proud of me. I felt so amazing when he did that. It really solidified the relationship. We are going up to meet her Mon -Wednesday. I can't wait she seemed really nice. He sang to me again. We sat in the floor he held my chin and sang to me and kissed me between the lyrics. It just felt so so right. Everything is great. Even though my world is falling apart, he is here to hold me up and help me. As I am for him.
I really hope this all works out. Feeling like this makes me just want it so much more.
So to sum up the rest of that day, I was there till 10 pm and he asked me to stay there with him. And I told him I would. We went back to his room and talked some more, we started making out again and I ended up on top of him naked. And wow am I glad I did. Now, I'll be honest it wasn't as good as Keith but it emotionally felt better, and it was damn close to feeling better than him. He did everything the way I like it. The next morning we took a shower together and it felt right. I have only showered with Charles and I am very self conscious. He kept telling me I was amazing, and beautiful. It felt really good to hear.
I woke up that morning as he did and I looked in his eyes. They are so beautiful, I know why in High School he got voted Best Eyes. He smiled and said, "Good morning, baby" and I got the biggest smile on my face. I was so happy to have someone look at me so lovingly. I knew that this was going somewhere. And I was right.
When he dropped me off he was going to go home and ride his motorcycle (which is pimp btw) because it was pretty out. He texted me a lil later and asked how long it would take me to get to a certain area of the city. I told him by foot about 15 minutes. He asked if I wanted to see him, and I told him of course. So we met at the closest store in the area. I ended up hitchhiking for the first time ever. And it was nice it was a guy who was very generous and helpful. So it cut my walk down by 5 minutes. He was there on his bike and we just walked around and talked. It was a really good feeling, to be holding his hand and walking around. I didn't even care where we were I watching him and smiled. He asked me, "So are we dating?" And I told him, "If you would ask." "Well what would you say if I asked?" "Yes" "Well we're dating then!" I was so happy. I didn't think about it though, Charles was still in the house. So I had to make some good decisions. He finally said he had to go. I told him I was gonna walk back, he told me it hurt that he couldn't take me home. But I didn't have a helmet and I knew that no one rides without one. I wouldn't have gotten on without one anyway. So I told him I would find my way to not feel bad. I could still tell it was killing him. But I told him to get home and relax to not worry a bit about it. I watched him ride off and I just smiled. I really really could see myself with him.
I called Charles and asked if he would give me a ride, that rush hour had hit and I really would have trouble crossing the 4 lane highway. He didn't want to but he came. There was a lot more tension. When we got home. I sat and thought what I wanted. And I told him I thought it would be best if he left. That it was just tension between us. I have an excerpt from the break up.
Me says:
Charles ...
Charles says:
What?
Me says:
Stop acting like that
Me says:
This is how you push me away
Me says:
And I won't put up with it
Charles says:
Fine.
Me says:
.....
Charles says:
I guess we're done then.
Me says:
Ok.
Me says:
I want you to know I love you still but I think that we just push each other apart more than anything
Me says:
It kills me inside.
Charles says:
It was bound to happen.
Charles says:
I should have just left that night.
Me says:
I'm sorry for all the shit I have done.
Charles says:
I wouldn't have to deal with all this bullshit.
Charles says:
I can't be with someone with shitty morales.
Me says:
Charles ... please just do not be pissed at me. I still love you to death but it kills me to be pushed away.
Me says:
I am sorry that I have shitty morals.
Me says:
It is so hard for me now to be around you because I feel like you do not want me around ... and I have felt it since we last fought.
Charles says:
I'm going to do my laundry tonight and maybe have steve get me tomorrow.
That night he cried for hours, he hugged on me and called me baby. But he never asked to stay. He told me he would still pay his half of the rent because his name was on the lease. I felt so bad for him because I really saw how much he still loved me. He wanted to grow old with me, and be my husband. But it was not meant to be. Too many mistakes had happened now. Too many things that neither of us could forgive. He told me he thought maybe one day we would be back together I told him no. That this was the end, and that he needed to understand that. That I loved him and that he was great but it was not going to work. He could never trust or respect me again. And nor could I for him. I slept with him for one last night, I stayed in his arms it felt good but I knew it was the end. I cried too because I had gotten used to him being there. The next morning he scrapped his car, and Steve came and got him. He hugged me good bye and told me he loved me, that I would be ok. To be strong. I looked him in the eyes ... he was crying. I let a tear roll down my face and he was gone for good. I was hard. His cat would not come out to say bye and it really hurt that she was so upset with everything. I cried for her and me cause I do not know what I am going to do. I am recently unemployed, I have little to no money, and well I have a lease till June 30th. I have all kinds of applications in but no one is calling.
Ed told me to go to a temp service and I am going to today.
Ed came up after Charles left. He brought me a chain lock. He wanted me to feel safer, and he wanted me to be protected. I thought it was really really sweet of him. He did not want anything to happen to me. He put it on for me when he got here. I felt better when he was here. That hole in my heart felt like someone had patched it. He held me, I could tell Ed knew it was hard on me to see him go. But he was here for me now. And I am so thankful for that. He and I watched movies and listened to music. I made him and I some food and we just had an enjoyable time. We got intimate again. And he took me to the bedroom. It started out as just sex, and then he pulled me to him and kissed me. He started to so very slowly and passionately. He told me he could feel himself falling bad. That he couldn't believe his heart. I looked him in the whole time, and my entire body felt amazing. He looked at me again and asked, "Did we just got from having sex to making love?" and I told him that we had. He stared into my eyes and I could feel my heart falling more and more. He held me close and told me that he wasn't just falling that he had already. My heart sputtered and I kissed him. We sat up and he held me so tight as he kissed me. When we were done he stared in my eyes and nothing had to be said I knew he had been feeling the same things I had been. When he went to lay back down I held the back of his head and he smiled. He means the world to me. I have never had someone actually make love to me like that. It was just sex, I only felt it as sex. My mind, my heart, my sex drive all felt it now. We started to go back to having sex and I paused a moment. He touched my face and had his thumb behind my ear, he told me he had never been like this before. And I told him that I always had to work on loving people then he stepped into my life and it was like I already loved everything about him. He rolled me over and we continued to have sex. He stood up on the floor and pulled me to the edge by my hips and I thought the orgasm Keith gave me was strong this on literally made my legs go numb. I was laying there and I couldn't walk for 5-10 minutes. He was like "I didn't slip your vertebrae did I?" Hell he could have but it felt GOOD. haha After, he held me and rubbed on my back. We talked about what we said. I guess to make sure it wasn't the sex talking. I was glad that we did talk about it again. We get dressed and he and I took my rental movie back. And picked up a few things for dinner. I made french toast and biscuits. He used my phone to call his mom. I heard him in the other room telling her that I was the best thing to happen to him. That he was so happy with me. I almost cried. Then he brought the phone in and told me to introduce myself. I talked to her and I could tell she really liked me. And even more when he was saying something about smoking and I told him he didn't need to smoke. That he needed to quit. He was really proud of me. I felt so amazing when he did that. It really solidified the relationship. We are going up to meet her Mon -Wednesday. I can't wait she seemed really nice. He sang to me again. We sat in the floor he held my chin and sang to me and kissed me between the lyrics. It just felt so so right. Everything is great. Even though my world is falling apart, he is here to hold me up and help me. As I am for him.
I really hope this all works out. Feeling like this makes me just want it so much more.
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