WOW, so if you have been keeping up with my blog you can see there is a wide array of men that I have "options" from. And a lot of things that been blowing up lately. And get this ... I was right to keep my guard up on Keith, he is a douchebag. He tried to hook up with my friend the night that I got home from being with him, he hasn't called, he hasn't messeged me he hasn't anything ... so I guess I just got good sex out of him. And that sucks because I really have not had sex with anyone that I did not have a relationship with till recently. And I haven't really felt good about myself about Jo and Keith because I feel like I have done something that I not necessarily did not want to but with people that I did not love or feel so connected with. Keith made me feel amazing, and I really hoped he was serious but I knew in the back of my mind he wouldn't be what I wanted or that he wasn't I just did not know. And I was right. That is fine though, I learned from it and I will watch out from now on. So moving on.
At the same time I was talking to Keith I met another guy named Ed, he was handsome ... funny ... you know a lot of those things everyone notices. But he never talked sexually to me, he always said I was beautiful and not hot. He really sparked my interest. He is educated, but had a rough background, he can do about anything really ... like me. And I like that. He can work on cars, do math, write well, have a good conversation ... and all that it was very nice. I couldn't wait to talk to him when he got on and I would spend hours just chatting. So I called him. And he has a voice that shot straight to my heart. Deep, refined ... wow!! I just loved it and I told him. So last night I decided to meet him. Actually very early in the morning. I met him with my friend and she dropped me off. He drives a standard, and it has an amazing stereo system in it. I asked him about it he told me he used to build systems for shows and competitions and stuff. He and I talked and he just lit up my face. Which is not easy to do. I am a very straight face person. And he just made me smile. And he got my sense of humor and had it too. Let me first put not one person I have met, friend or foe has got my humor and returned it at me. I was so damn excited over that. If nothing else came of it then I at least had like a new best friend. Haha. So we headed back to his place, and were watching movies. We clicked. I felt like I had known him for years and that we had dated for years ... it was crazy. I did not know what that was about. And then he looked me in the eyes and said what I had been thinking. "You know it feels like I have known you ALL of my life, and that we have dated for four or five years, I have never been so comfortable with a person. Not even my ex fiance. Which is crazy cause that was 3 years of my life I knew her." (Yes I knew about that incident in advance, they dated over 3 years and then she just started ripping his heart out and trying to hurt him and break his confidence. Because she cheated on him.) And I felt something in me. I had to ask myself what it was, and I did not believe my answer.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wow, things are EVERYWHERE.
Wow, yesterday really made me think my life is a soap opera. Lets start from the beginning.
February 21
I get online and I am checking my email and messages. A guy we'll call Keith pops up and is like, hello. And I talk to him a little bit. He goes to the college that I do (well I am off this semester) and he is a senior. He used to be a Finance major/Economics and is now a CNA. So that told me he was good with money and that he was caring. And I got a little more interested in him. So we chatted and he told me he really felt like we could get along. I believed that myself. He told me he just really could not find a decent girl that was looking for the same aspects as he was. And I told him that guys just treated me like shit, and no one was worth my time. Well, that conversation went on and we decided to meet for coffee the next day. And I felt good about that. I wanted to sit down and see if there was someone that could make me feel happy about everything really. But I expected that maybe he was just some horny college guy or a plain douche. Just to keep myself from getting too excited. He gave me his number and told me to call him when I woke up.
February 22
So I called Keith and instantly I loved his voice. He had a tone that made me listen and made me smile. He had a great disposition and he loved my crooked humor. He made me smile a lot. I had already gotten ready before I called him. I was waiting on the bus to go down to campus. I told him that I was "letting a friend borrow my calculator" (It is already loaned out). Because I didn't want him to think I was going to campus just to make him pick me up. lol. He told me to let him pick me up on campus and to hang out with him all day. Not just go get coffee. It sounded fair. I told him we would see. Keith was very understanding and told me anytime I needed/wanted to go home just tell him and if I didn't want to stay all day just tell him at anytime. He was quite serious. So I gained a lot of respect for him.
I had told Charles I was going to the mall for the day to get out of the house, he didn't really care we hadn't been talking a whole hell of a lot since that last episode. And I just needed out of the house anyway.
So Keith calls me back and asks where on campus I was, and I told him the student center. I had already made him laugh when he picked up the phone I was taking a drink and he goes, "You're eating aren't you?" and I told him, "No but I have a brownie in my pocket." He laughed so hard at me. Oh and to explain it I had bought a brownie and an Ale 8 and I decided to save the brownie. So I put it in my jacket pocket. Yeah I know weird but that is the type of person I am. BTW I ate that brownie last night it was pretty good. Ok moving on. So he tells me he is leaving and coming to get me, he stays on the phone the whole time and I tell him to meet me in the parking lot. He was driving a black Nissan Altima, it was in great condition. I could tell he was a great guy as soon as I opened the door. He was a safe driver, a good conversationalist, and shortly later ... a magnificent kisser. He held my hand in the car and we drove around talking for a while. He took me to the park and we drove around and we told stories and just really enjoyed ourselves. He showed me where he used to live and where he was looking at getting a home of his own. He told me he wanted to work at the Shriner's Hospital to work with the children. I was really absorbed in the conversation. We went and got some food and talked some more and he asked where I wanted to go. I asked him if there was anything he needed to do that day. He told me laundry. So I told him I would help him if he really badly needed to. So we headed to his place.
He lives on the nice side of town, in a duplex style apartment. It was one of the ones I dreamt of having ... when I moved up here. I ended up in the ghetto though. His style inside was a LOT like mine. I found it funny that we really had so much in common. He and I sat around and watched TV and continued to talk. He told me he was really shocked that people didn't treat me right. But he also said he had gotten his share of bad girls too, that he couldn't spoil or treat right because they took advantage or wanted to be treated bad. I really started to realize how much he liked me. He stared in my eyes, his were emerald green and breath taking. He told me that he believed in fate and that I had gorgeous eyes. He gave some of the most genuine compliments I had ever heard. He would say them and you could tell it was just what he had on his mind not some dumbass line. He played in my hair and cuddled with me and we kissed. I really wanted him. It was crazy, but I tried to mask it. I could tell he wanted me too. He had the softest hands and lips, and I found him on top of me passionately kissing me on his couch. I knew what would end up happening. I felt him through his jeans as he started kissing on my neck and I started to close my eyes in pleasure.
So yeah if you aren't 18 do not read past this point.
It was so different to me that he could actually hold a conversation with me when he was making love to me. I have never had some one talk to me and look me in the eyes like he was. It wasn't just about what was going on, or about just small talk it was about what type of a relationship he and I wanted . He asked me about my sexual history while he was taking off my shirt, and about if what was happening was OK, each step of the way. He told me not to let him push me any further than I found comfortable. He asked me if I would be his girl, only his. I told him I would love that, he told me he didn't tolerate any other guys in the picture. To not tell him yes and then go out and find someone else. Told me he wanted something serious. I told him that I don't do that and that he better be serious. He looked me in the eyes and I knew he was. He told me I was his baby then and that he was mine. He got me to the point I had nothing on and he started playing with my clit. Which ... well works quite well for me. He took out his dick and while kissing me and holding my hands he started rubbing my clit with it. Which just made my wanting it worse. He slid it in, and I have actually never had someone do that with no assistance. I could feel he was THICK. It had to be the best I have ever felt. He somehow, mirrored everything that I loved in bed without ever breaking off the conversation we were having. He rode me for hours. I orgasmed quite a few times, but the last one actually made my legs and spine quiver and my knees started to almost thrash violently. When it was over he smiled at me and asked, "Has that ever happened before?" ... And I looked at him dumbfounded and told him it hadn't. I asked how he did that, how he matched everything I have ever wanted in sex without asking or knowing anything about my sexual preferences ... he told me, "I have a good partner." I laughed thinking he was joking. He looked at me confused when I laughed and told me he was serious that everything I did was amazing. That we definitely had a good sex life ahead of us. He held me and rubbed my back when we were done, he asked me if I was sure I was ready for something so serious. He told me he wanted a relationship for a long time that could possibly after a few years could lead to marriage, that he wanted to know how many nights I would stay with him, or stay at his house . I told him I wanted to be there almost every night, that I love his company and would love to cook for him when he got home. He hugged me close and I felt his eyelashes close as he kissed the top of my head. "You're the best thing that could have happened to me." I looked at him. I was being very skeptical and wanted to make sure he wasn't playing me. I still am making sure, I am not just going to fall for him and find out he is a player.
So I might have something or I might have nothing.
February 21
I get online and I am checking my email and messages. A guy we'll call Keith pops up and is like, hello. And I talk to him a little bit. He goes to the college that I do (well I am off this semester) and he is a senior. He used to be a Finance major/Economics and is now a CNA. So that told me he was good with money and that he was caring. And I got a little more interested in him. So we chatted and he told me he really felt like we could get along. I believed that myself. He told me he just really could not find a decent girl that was looking for the same aspects as he was. And I told him that guys just treated me like shit, and no one was worth my time. Well, that conversation went on and we decided to meet for coffee the next day. And I felt good about that. I wanted to sit down and see if there was someone that could make me feel happy about everything really. But I expected that maybe he was just some horny college guy or a plain douche. Just to keep myself from getting too excited. He gave me his number and told me to call him when I woke up.
February 22
So I called Keith and instantly I loved his voice. He had a tone that made me listen and made me smile. He had a great disposition and he loved my crooked humor. He made me smile a lot. I had already gotten ready before I called him. I was waiting on the bus to go down to campus. I told him that I was "letting a friend borrow my calculator" (It is already loaned out). Because I didn't want him to think I was going to campus just to make him pick me up. lol. He told me to let him pick me up on campus and to hang out with him all day. Not just go get coffee. It sounded fair. I told him we would see. Keith was very understanding and told me anytime I needed/wanted to go home just tell him and if I didn't want to stay all day just tell him at anytime. He was quite serious. So I gained a lot of respect for him.
I had told Charles I was going to the mall for the day to get out of the house, he didn't really care we hadn't been talking a whole hell of a lot since that last episode. And I just needed out of the house anyway.
So Keith calls me back and asks where on campus I was, and I told him the student center. I had already made him laugh when he picked up the phone I was taking a drink and he goes, "You're eating aren't you?" and I told him, "No but I have a brownie in my pocket." He laughed so hard at me. Oh and to explain it I had bought a brownie and an Ale 8 and I decided to save the brownie. So I put it in my jacket pocket. Yeah I know weird but that is the type of person I am. BTW I ate that brownie last night it was pretty good. Ok moving on. So he tells me he is leaving and coming to get me, he stays on the phone the whole time and I tell him to meet me in the parking lot. He was driving a black Nissan Altima, it was in great condition. I could tell he was a great guy as soon as I opened the door. He was a safe driver, a good conversationalist, and shortly later ... a magnificent kisser. He held my hand in the car and we drove around talking for a while. He took me to the park and we drove around and we told stories and just really enjoyed ourselves. He showed me where he used to live and where he was looking at getting a home of his own. He told me he wanted to work at the Shriner's Hospital to work with the children. I was really absorbed in the conversation. We went and got some food and talked some more and he asked where I wanted to go. I asked him if there was anything he needed to do that day. He told me laundry. So I told him I would help him if he really badly needed to. So we headed to his place.
He lives on the nice side of town, in a duplex style apartment. It was one of the ones I dreamt of having ... when I moved up here. I ended up in the ghetto though. His style inside was a LOT like mine. I found it funny that we really had so much in common. He and I sat around and watched TV and continued to talk. He told me he was really shocked that people didn't treat me right. But he also said he had gotten his share of bad girls too, that he couldn't spoil or treat right because they took advantage or wanted to be treated bad. I really started to realize how much he liked me. He stared in my eyes, his were emerald green and breath taking. He told me that he believed in fate and that I had gorgeous eyes. He gave some of the most genuine compliments I had ever heard. He would say them and you could tell it was just what he had on his mind not some dumbass line. He played in my hair and cuddled with me and we kissed. I really wanted him. It was crazy, but I tried to mask it. I could tell he wanted me too. He had the softest hands and lips, and I found him on top of me passionately kissing me on his couch. I knew what would end up happening. I felt him through his jeans as he started kissing on my neck and I started to close my eyes in pleasure.
So yeah if you aren't 18 do not read past this point.
It was so different to me that he could actually hold a conversation with me when he was making love to me. I have never had some one talk to me and look me in the eyes like he was. It wasn't just about what was going on, or about just small talk it was about what type of a relationship he and I wanted . He asked me about my sexual history while he was taking off my shirt, and about if what was happening was OK, each step of the way. He told me not to let him push me any further than I found comfortable. He asked me if I would be his girl, only his. I told him I would love that, he told me he didn't tolerate any other guys in the picture. To not tell him yes and then go out and find someone else. Told me he wanted something serious. I told him that I don't do that and that he better be serious. He looked me in the eyes and I knew he was. He told me I was his baby then and that he was mine. He got me to the point I had nothing on and he started playing with my clit. Which ... well works quite well for me. He took out his dick and while kissing me and holding my hands he started rubbing my clit with it. Which just made my wanting it worse. He slid it in, and I have actually never had someone do that with no assistance. I could feel he was THICK. It had to be the best I have ever felt. He somehow, mirrored everything that I loved in bed without ever breaking off the conversation we were having. He rode me for hours. I orgasmed quite a few times, but the last one actually made my legs and spine quiver and my knees started to almost thrash violently. When it was over he smiled at me and asked, "Has that ever happened before?" ... And I looked at him dumbfounded and told him it hadn't. I asked how he did that, how he matched everything I have ever wanted in sex without asking or knowing anything about my sexual preferences ... he told me, "I have a good partner." I laughed thinking he was joking. He looked at me confused when I laughed and told me he was serious that everything I did was amazing. That we definitely had a good sex life ahead of us. He held me and rubbed my back when we were done, he asked me if I was sure I was ready for something so serious. He told me he wanted a relationship for a long time that could possibly after a few years could lead to marriage, that he wanted to know how many nights I would stay with him, or stay at his house . I told him I wanted to be there almost every night, that I love his company and would love to cook for him when he got home. He hugged me close and I felt his eyelashes close as he kissed the top of my head. "You're the best thing that could have happened to me." I looked at him. I was being very skeptical and wanted to make sure he wasn't playing me. I still am making sure, I am not just going to fall for him and find out he is a player.
So I might have something or I might have nothing.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Bloody Tears
Well, Charles finally did it he started acting bi-polar. It is eating him alive to stay and try and love again with a broken heart. He is trying to be his old self and the new is lashing out. He yells sometimes for no reason at me. And then it came to a head.
He was being a total ass, and trying to make out with me when I wasn't in the mood then he forced it on me and I bit his tongue. Mind you nothing too bad, like I put pressure on it. Nothing too hard. He flipped out and smacked me in the nose ... it bled. I was upset with him and when I looked at him to see if he was shocked or upset. He smiled. He wanted to see me bleed. My nose hasn't bled since my dad backhanded me in the face 3 years or more ago. I got mad but was upset. I told him I could call the police if I truly wanted to. That there was physical abuse now. The sink had blood all over it 3 different times. I finally actually took a picture just in case as proof. He got even madder and threatened to leave because I told him he could be arrested or fined.
I told him if he ran off I had his license plate number, his information and I also know that he has no insurance on his car at the moment. I know a lot of things that he could get busted on. To go ahead ... step out of the house ... that I WOULD call if he left. He was infuriated. I didn't intend to call anyone but I was telling him what he had done. He stayed and I walked to a resturaunt to eat. I needed to clear my head.
I got back and he acted like NOTHING happened I don't get it! What is with him? !
Charles has royally and utterly confused me!
He was being a total ass, and trying to make out with me when I wasn't in the mood then he forced it on me and I bit his tongue. Mind you nothing too bad, like I put pressure on it. Nothing too hard. He flipped out and smacked me in the nose ... it bled. I was upset with him and when I looked at him to see if he was shocked or upset. He smiled. He wanted to see me bleed. My nose hasn't bled since my dad backhanded me in the face 3 years or more ago. I got mad but was upset. I told him I could call the police if I truly wanted to. That there was physical abuse now. The sink had blood all over it 3 different times. I finally actually took a picture just in case as proof. He got even madder and threatened to leave because I told him he could be arrested or fined.
I told him if he ran off I had his license plate number, his information and I also know that he has no insurance on his car at the moment. I know a lot of things that he could get busted on. To go ahead ... step out of the house ... that I WOULD call if he left. He was infuriated. I didn't intend to call anyone but I was telling him what he had done. He stayed and I walked to a resturaunt to eat. I needed to clear my head.
I got back and he acted like NOTHING happened I don't get it! What is with him? !
Charles has royally and utterly confused me!
Back to the Present
Well, I haven't blogged in a while. A lot has been going on so lets try and condense it into one smaller post than my others.
After the whole incident was over, Charles decided to stay right? To be completely honest I let him stay so I had a longer time to work everything out. I had been researching online about IF I went to Vegas. I had been looking into tickets, how to get the cats there, shipping prices for my things ... HOW I would get my furniture and heavy items to my parents' house. Things like that. I also looked at if I pursued Jo. That was a dead end. He was now more interested in the sex than the relationship. So I cropped him out of my picture. I talked to him casually a few times but he just kept wanting to come over and everything and he can't because Charles is here. And Jo doesn't know that.
So it is very very confusing ... like always.
I have thought out a plan IF I decide to leave. And I feel horrible for thinking it but if leaving is best sometimes I guess we have to do ugly things. I would put my things in storage with the story that me and Charles are going to move. Like he wants to. And I would ship some of my things to Vegas ... this he wouldn't know about. It would be the things I need mostly. And the things for my kitties. Then we would tell the landlord, etc. Then one night I would catch a flight ... with the cats and my laptop. Leave him with the dirty work. Period. It is a HORRIBLE thing and I can't seem to pull myself to do it but I also can't decide if it is the best thing for me to leave.
I talked to Dave the other night on the phone, he told me that his offer was always there. That he understood I needed to get things taken care of that he was foolish for being upset but was caught more in the moment than anything. He just wanted me to get away from Charles. We talked about what I wanted, he listened and never interupted me but I could actually hear his smile and I rambled on and told him I wanted someone dependable and strong, someone that is decisive, but open minded. Someone with morals and with a big heart. I told him a lot that night and he didn't ever say anything about it he just listened. When I asked him what he thought, he gave me an answer that I secretly wanted to hear. That he could never tell me what is best but to weigh the factors that are holding me here and the ones that are there. If it is better to move ... then do it. If it is better to stay then re-evaluate and if the same answer was true then stay and figure it out. I was amazed that he was so honest. He told me that family would be the hardest thing to leave. But it was easier for him and he told me that there was times when he was in Guam, Korea, Saudi Arabia and other places that he just wanted to pack up and leave to go home. He told me that he held it out and he was greatful he did. He made the right decision to stay in the military and to stay. His family is military and he was used to his father not being there, he knew that it wasn't hard on his family for him to be gone it was hard on him because everyone seeks a place called home. He told me if I got there and hated it to just go back. Restart where I left off. And it really made sense.
As an Aquarius I don't really listen to advice, I hear it but I judge the best for me off of my decisions and thoughts. There really isn't a way to influence my thoughts. And no I am not a big zodiac follower but I am very much an Aquarian. I fit it almost to a tee, but of course some of it is bogus. Well a lot of it is. Probably most of it but it is something that does describe me pretty well. I found something the other day that fit me VERY well -> Zodiac I was sorta shocked especially about the legs part. I was a track runner and I have very muscular and strong legs. Most of that is probably a big crock of shit, and almost all of it fits my personality and characteristics.
Ok enough on my views on Zodiac. But I realized that he was one of the first people to tell me something that I underlyingly wanted to hear. I expected to hear him say and convince me to go to him. Because people are stubborn and they are selfish ... but he proved me wrong he showed me that there are other people that think and express like me. I always tell my friends what they don't want to hear. Life isn't a farie tale and most likely, they will wonder around looking for something and finaly settle for something far from it because life can not be anticipated. You must take the things that are given to you and not necessarily like it but use it to your advantage. When you have everything all mapped out your way you will be disapointed. I tell them this because they will not hear me till things happen that they cannot control, and they cry they are scared and they think about something they heard. Most times it is a voice of reason telling them life will take them by the throat and take them where IT pleases to stop acting like they have reigns on it. But I was so relieved to hear someone say that to me. I remembered it and I listened, I really listened. IT was great.
After the whole incident was over, Charles decided to stay right? To be completely honest I let him stay so I had a longer time to work everything out. I had been researching online about IF I went to Vegas. I had been looking into tickets, how to get the cats there, shipping prices for my things ... HOW I would get my furniture and heavy items to my parents' house. Things like that. I also looked at if I pursued Jo. That was a dead end. He was now more interested in the sex than the relationship. So I cropped him out of my picture. I talked to him casually a few times but he just kept wanting to come over and everything and he can't because Charles is here. And Jo doesn't know that.
So it is very very confusing ... like always.
I have thought out a plan IF I decide to leave. And I feel horrible for thinking it but if leaving is best sometimes I guess we have to do ugly things. I would put my things in storage with the story that me and Charles are going to move. Like he wants to. And I would ship some of my things to Vegas ... this he wouldn't know about. It would be the things I need mostly. And the things for my kitties. Then we would tell the landlord, etc. Then one night I would catch a flight ... with the cats and my laptop. Leave him with the dirty work. Period. It is a HORRIBLE thing and I can't seem to pull myself to do it but I also can't decide if it is the best thing for me to leave.
I talked to Dave the other night on the phone, he told me that his offer was always there. That he understood I needed to get things taken care of that he was foolish for being upset but was caught more in the moment than anything. He just wanted me to get away from Charles. We talked about what I wanted, he listened and never interupted me but I could actually hear his smile and I rambled on and told him I wanted someone dependable and strong, someone that is decisive, but open minded. Someone with morals and with a big heart. I told him a lot that night and he didn't ever say anything about it he just listened. When I asked him what he thought, he gave me an answer that I secretly wanted to hear. That he could never tell me what is best but to weigh the factors that are holding me here and the ones that are there. If it is better to move ... then do it. If it is better to stay then re-evaluate and if the same answer was true then stay and figure it out. I was amazed that he was so honest. He told me that family would be the hardest thing to leave. But it was easier for him and he told me that there was times when he was in Guam, Korea, Saudi Arabia and other places that he just wanted to pack up and leave to go home. He told me that he held it out and he was greatful he did. He made the right decision to stay in the military and to stay. His family is military and he was used to his father not being there, he knew that it wasn't hard on his family for him to be gone it was hard on him because everyone seeks a place called home. He told me if I got there and hated it to just go back. Restart where I left off. And it really made sense.
As an Aquarius I don't really listen to advice, I hear it but I judge the best for me off of my decisions and thoughts. There really isn't a way to influence my thoughts. And no I am not a big zodiac follower but I am very much an Aquarian. I fit it almost to a tee, but of course some of it is bogus. Well a lot of it is. Probably most of it but it is something that does describe me pretty well. I found something the other day that fit me VERY well -> Zodiac I was sorta shocked especially about the legs part. I was a track runner and I have very muscular and strong legs. Most of that is probably a big crock of shit, and almost all of it fits my personality and characteristics.
Ok enough on my views on Zodiac. But I realized that he was one of the first people to tell me something that I underlyingly wanted to hear. I expected to hear him say and convince me to go to him. Because people are stubborn and they are selfish ... but he proved me wrong he showed me that there are other people that think and express like me. I always tell my friends what they don't want to hear. Life isn't a farie tale and most likely, they will wonder around looking for something and finaly settle for something far from it because life can not be anticipated. You must take the things that are given to you and not necessarily like it but use it to your advantage. When you have everything all mapped out your way you will be disapointed. I tell them this because they will not hear me till things happen that they cannot control, and they cry they are scared and they think about something they heard. Most times it is a voice of reason telling them life will take them by the throat and take them where IT pleases to stop acting like they have reigns on it. But I was so relieved to hear someone say that to me. I remembered it and I listened, I really listened. IT was great.
Monday, February 5, 2007
A Walk into the Past
Where do you really start this? This journey to the past is really just a matter of picking a story and writing. Right? I like the present but you have to know the past to really understand the choices that are made today.
Lets start in 1999. We'll see where it goes from there.
February 2, 1999
I had just celebrated my birthday at my home with my family and some friends. My parents told me we would be moving in the summer. I asked them if they could at least let me graduate the 6th grade. Where they wanted to take me, 6th grade was middle school not elementary. I really wanted to see myself in the whole ceremony. I just wanted to finish one school with all my friends. They told me no. That when my oldest brother graduated in June that we were leaving. We were going to the farm, 200 miles away.
I loved the farm but, I just really didn't want to LIVE there. I didn't know anyone and the old house was gone.
A few years before we had got a call in the middle of the night. It was a close friend of my mom's. "The house is on fire." Mom looked around like she was crazy. She told her it was okay we were in it. She said it again, "The farm, the old farm house is on fire.... it almost gone." I could see my mom's heart was ripped out she screamed and dropped the phone. She was in panic. I was sitting in the rocking chair a little confused. She ran out to the garage where my dad was screaming and crying. He couldn't understand the words coming out of her mouth. He for the first time in his life had to smack her to get her to breathe and talk to him. They had come back in before this happened. She told him what was said. We called back and found out that the 100 year old home built by my family was arsoned. My grandmother was born in that house, raised in that house and it was 200 miles away. It was in an area where no one would know till it got bad. We knew that it was gone. The city didn't have but a Volunteer Fire Department and they weren't reliable. She looked at me and cried more. There was a trunk from her great grandmother filled with my and my oldest brother's baby clothes. Everything in the house was antique. The house had newspaper for insulation, it was very nice. I thought about my room, upstairs. It faced the pond, the sun would rise on one side and set on the other it was the best view the house had. But I knew by then ... it was gone. I started to cry thinking about the times we would go down there and spend time. We went almost every weekend to spend time. And now ... the house was gone. We had 100 acres with no shelter just some old tool sheds. Little did I know what was going to happen later on.
So now about two years later my family is telling me we are moving to the farm. I asked them, "What are we going to live in?" I should have known. The biggest tool shed. I told them no, that the house we were in now was great I loved having a room and heat, I enjoyed the phone, the Internet ... all of it. I didn't want to go live in a shed that had a temporary electric pole attached to it, no phone and no heat. How would we live? Where would we get water. The pump from the well to the house was burnt up and no lines had been ran anyway. They were set on going. I told all my friends what was going to happen. They didn't believe it. We thought my parents would come to their senses. Living in the country, in a shed ... no electricity or water ... that wasn't right.
June 13, 2007
This was our second attempt to leave for the farm. The first time the trailer tires got punctured and couldn't make it over 15 miles. It was two days later, the tires were replaced. My mom and I headed out for the farm. Dad decided to come later. He needed to sell our house, and get some money together. The whole way there I had a Siamese meowing his heart out in my ear. There was 4 cats in the car. A Manx, 2 mutts, and a Siamese ... So you heard MEEEERROWWW, and MAH MAH coming from the back of a little Pontiac Horizon. The other 2 loved car rides and slept in a make shift cage. They were actually in a box trap together because we only had two carriers. They slept the whole way there. How I don't know. I WISH I could have.
We made it there, barely. The little car was on its last leg. We unpacked and got the shed ready. It had been emptied out when we went down there in the spring. The first night was weird. I had both mutts with me. Trouble and Duchess. Trouble slept like he always did, down my stomach. Duchess was on my feet. I heard the crickets louder than ever. I cried that night... I couldn't believe I wasn't going back. The roof had holes in it, well really it didn't even have a roof on one section. We expanded it to make "rooms" with no doors. It was in progress. That section was my room... I had slept in it once when a freak snow storm in March came though. That was a night to remember. I had a golden lab under the blanket cuddling with me. But, this night I just felt bare and almost extraterrestrial.
That summer was a bad year. It was a drought. And mom wanted to have her garden of course so we had to haul water to the garden in 5 gallon buckets. The cats learned to accept the farm. Trouble and Duchess had been their before. The other two were house cats their entire lives, Seldom and Slinky. They wondered outside and ended up loving playing in the fields and the outside. They didn't roam much. They stayed on the farm for the most part.
All summer I just wanted to go home. A friend of mine came down and visited for a while. But it wasn't the same. I wanted to be in the city. I wanted to see cars, I wanted to see people, I felt like I was some lab rat. Like I was being held in a variable-less jar to see something. I got depressed when I moved. I hated life at that point. I would have done anything if I could go to sleep and not wake up. But I woke up every morning. I spent time in the woods trying to understand why life was never going my way. It never became apparent to me. It took a long time for me to understand. I started gaining weight. I left and was 98 pounds and very athletic, by August I was 170+ pounds. My mom didn't seem to notice. School started in early August, I hated it. All they did was review. It seemed like they were only interested in learning about how to roll joints and get high. These people were beyond my comprehension. I started losing weight again. I used to to go a school where they pushed us to learn as much as possible and if you finished early you went ahead. These people complained at learning what had to be taught. They had such accents. The teacher one day taught that the way they spoke was wrong then immediatly started talking the SAME way. I told her about it infront of the class. I told her, "It seems that you do not lead by example. You teach this class not to say "yall" and other words yet the moment the lesson ends you ask if, "Yall ready to go on to the next part?" ... How do you expect to change or help a speach pattern when the mentor we listen to talks the same if not worse than us?" ... She hated me from that day forward. She tried to tell me to stop but I interupted her. At this point I could read at a college level. I was quick to learn and I had a good understanding of teaching methods. I felt like it was her telling me not to eat chocolate then picking up a Hershey's Kiss and tossing it her mouth without trying to hide it. Like it was saying yes while shaking your head no. No wonder these students were like that. They weren't dumb at all they were taught wrong. I got sent to the office the next day, they gave me a test I didn't understand it really.
A few weeks later they told me that they wanted to talk to my parents about the results. They wanted to put me in the 8th grade. I was estatic. I told mom when I got home. I could finally be challenged again and I had the chance to jump start my life. Maybe this new place wasn't SO bad. But no ... I wasn't going to move grades because those "kids are way more mature than you.. they are a bad influence on younger kids ... I told them no." I flipped out. I was excited then I was pissed off. I couldn't believe she was so dumb. I know she is a High School drop out but what the f***.
OK .. I have had this blog at this spot for a while and just haven't been blogging a lot. I am going to leave this one where I am at and come back to it later.
Lets start in 1999. We'll see where it goes from there.
February 2, 1999
I had just celebrated my birthday at my home with my family and some friends. My parents told me we would be moving in the summer. I asked them if they could at least let me graduate the 6th grade. Where they wanted to take me, 6th grade was middle school not elementary. I really wanted to see myself in the whole ceremony. I just wanted to finish one school with all my friends. They told me no. That when my oldest brother graduated in June that we were leaving. We were going to the farm, 200 miles away.
I loved the farm but, I just really didn't want to LIVE there. I didn't know anyone and the old house was gone.
A few years before we had got a call in the middle of the night. It was a close friend of my mom's. "The house is on fire." Mom looked around like she was crazy. She told her it was okay we were in it. She said it again, "The farm, the old farm house is on fire.... it almost gone." I could see my mom's heart was ripped out she screamed and dropped the phone. She was in panic. I was sitting in the rocking chair a little confused. She ran out to the garage where my dad was screaming and crying. He couldn't understand the words coming out of her mouth. He for the first time in his life had to smack her to get her to breathe and talk to him. They had come back in before this happened. She told him what was said. We called back and found out that the 100 year old home built by my family was arsoned. My grandmother was born in that house, raised in that house and it was 200 miles away. It was in an area where no one would know till it got bad. We knew that it was gone. The city didn't have but a Volunteer Fire Department and they weren't reliable. She looked at me and cried more. There was a trunk from her great grandmother filled with my and my oldest brother's baby clothes. Everything in the house was antique. The house had newspaper for insulation, it was very nice. I thought about my room, upstairs. It faced the pond, the sun would rise on one side and set on the other it was the best view the house had. But I knew by then ... it was gone. I started to cry thinking about the times we would go down there and spend time. We went almost every weekend to spend time. And now ... the house was gone. We had 100 acres with no shelter just some old tool sheds. Little did I know what was going to happen later on.
So now about two years later my family is telling me we are moving to the farm. I asked them, "What are we going to live in?" I should have known. The biggest tool shed. I told them no, that the house we were in now was great I loved having a room and heat, I enjoyed the phone, the Internet ... all of it. I didn't want to go live in a shed that had a temporary electric pole attached to it, no phone and no heat. How would we live? Where would we get water. The pump from the well to the house was burnt up and no lines had been ran anyway. They were set on going. I told all my friends what was going to happen. They didn't believe it. We thought my parents would come to their senses. Living in the country, in a shed ... no electricity or water ... that wasn't right.
June 13, 2007
This was our second attempt to leave for the farm. The first time the trailer tires got punctured and couldn't make it over 15 miles. It was two days later, the tires were replaced. My mom and I headed out for the farm. Dad decided to come later. He needed to sell our house, and get some money together. The whole way there I had a Siamese meowing his heart out in my ear. There was 4 cats in the car. A Manx, 2 mutts, and a Siamese ... So you heard MEEEERROWWW, and MAH MAH coming from the back of a little Pontiac Horizon. The other 2 loved car rides and slept in a make shift cage. They were actually in a box trap together because we only had two carriers. They slept the whole way there. How I don't know. I WISH I could have.
We made it there, barely. The little car was on its last leg. We unpacked and got the shed ready. It had been emptied out when we went down there in the spring. The first night was weird. I had both mutts with me. Trouble and Duchess. Trouble slept like he always did, down my stomach. Duchess was on my feet. I heard the crickets louder than ever. I cried that night... I couldn't believe I wasn't going back. The roof had holes in it, well really it didn't even have a roof on one section. We expanded it to make "rooms" with no doors. It was in progress. That section was my room... I had slept in it once when a freak snow storm in March came though. That was a night to remember. I had a golden lab under the blanket cuddling with me. But, this night I just felt bare and almost extraterrestrial.
That summer was a bad year. It was a drought. And mom wanted to have her garden of course so we had to haul water to the garden in 5 gallon buckets. The cats learned to accept the farm. Trouble and Duchess had been their before. The other two were house cats their entire lives, Seldom and Slinky. They wondered outside and ended up loving playing in the fields and the outside. They didn't roam much. They stayed on the farm for the most part.
All summer I just wanted to go home. A friend of mine came down and visited for a while. But it wasn't the same. I wanted to be in the city. I wanted to see cars, I wanted to see people, I felt like I was some lab rat. Like I was being held in a variable-less jar to see something. I got depressed when I moved. I hated life at that point. I would have done anything if I could go to sleep and not wake up. But I woke up every morning. I spent time in the woods trying to understand why life was never going my way. It never became apparent to me. It took a long time for me to understand. I started gaining weight. I left and was 98 pounds and very athletic, by August I was 170+ pounds. My mom didn't seem to notice. School started in early August, I hated it. All they did was review. It seemed like they were only interested in learning about how to roll joints and get high. These people were beyond my comprehension. I started losing weight again. I used to to go a school where they pushed us to learn as much as possible and if you finished early you went ahead. These people complained at learning what had to be taught. They had such accents. The teacher one day taught that the way they spoke was wrong then immediatly started talking the SAME way. I told her about it infront of the class. I told her, "It seems that you do not lead by example. You teach this class not to say "yall" and other words yet the moment the lesson ends you ask if, "Yall ready to go on to the next part?" ... How do you expect to change or help a speach pattern when the mentor we listen to talks the same if not worse than us?" ... She hated me from that day forward. She tried to tell me to stop but I interupted her. At this point I could read at a college level. I was quick to learn and I had a good understanding of teaching methods. I felt like it was her telling me not to eat chocolate then picking up a Hershey's Kiss and tossing it her mouth without trying to hide it. Like it was saying yes while shaking your head no. No wonder these students were like that. They weren't dumb at all they were taught wrong. I got sent to the office the next day, they gave me a test I didn't understand it really.
A few weeks later they told me that they wanted to talk to my parents about the results. They wanted to put me in the 8th grade. I was estatic. I told mom when I got home. I could finally be challenged again and I had the chance to jump start my life. Maybe this new place wasn't SO bad. But no ... I wasn't going to move grades because those "kids are way more mature than you.. they are a bad influence on younger kids ... I told them no." I flipped out. I was excited then I was pissed off. I couldn't believe she was so dumb. I know she is a High School drop out but what the f***.
OK .. I have had this blog at this spot for a while and just haven't been blogging a lot. I am going to leave this one where I am at and come back to it later.
Sunday, February 4, 2007
Part Three
February 3, 2007
Life has been rough lately, the past few days have broke me down and made me feel like I was dieing. I have so many thoughts running through my head. Sometimes it gets hard to think and remember. I try to remember what all is going on but it gets confusing in my own mind. I want it all to go away, I expect to wake up and everything to be decided and it all be okay. But it isn't. Why isn't there a clear choice or decision? If he leaves, where do I go? If he stays will it be okay? Will I be strong enough to tell Jo that I can't see him anymore? What if I do tell him and my ex decides to leave anyway? Am I strong enough to live on my own? If I have to move where will I go? How will I move? I don't have a license or a car, I don't know anyone near here that I could stay with. I have two cat now and I will keep them with me, but where? And if this wasn't enough more happened.
I get a call from a old friend, (we'll call) Dave. He was interested in me since the day we met. He wanted me to be his girl. He knows that I am the one that will make everything ok. He was born and raised where I live now, but is in Vegas now. He is an Air force man, has been for 8 years. A very respectful man, a very intelligent man, he backed off when he found out I was taken. But he called. I ignored the call at first, I was afraid of what he wanted. I knew that he would complicate things, he texted me asking where I had been and what was going on. I decided later to call him. He deserved to talk to me at least. Three of my friends came over, they were making clothes. Well, two of them opened up a "Drag Factory" in my livingroom. I stepped outside to get some shoes out of the other's car. I sat out there and talked to Dave. He sounded concerned, I told him what happened with me and my ex. He told me to come to Vegas in the morning, to leave. Take one bag with me and come out to be with him. I told him, I have responsibilities here to get sorted out and I was not financially stable enough to purchase a ticket. He told me, he would get the ticket he wanted me out there bad. I explained, I had to get my family's antiques back to them, I had to bring my cats, and I couldn't live with myself if all my things were trashed. What if I needed something years from now and found out it had been trashed? I wanted to move properly. I didn't want to leave loose ends for others to take care of. It is only stuff but it is my stuff, it means something to me. I needed peace of mind. He told me fine, but that he wished I would do something quick. We talked longer and all of a sudden he starts pouting and says,
"I'm just a game aren't I?"
"If you were just a game you would not have my phone number, you wouldn't have my real name, you wouldn't have any REAL contact information on me.... nothing I would have lied. Dave, you wouldn't even have my messenger or myspace to contact me by if this was some sort of game."
He sighed a little, like he wasn't quite convinced.
"Dave, why would I come outside and talk to you? Why would I be outside with it being 22 degrees, with 2 inches of snow, and come talk to you? If this was a d*** game you wouldn't have gotten a hold of me."
We went on talking he tried to talk me into going inside and I told him I didn't feel like being pestered and asked, and all he understood. He felt bad that he called. I told him not to feel bad that I was glad to know he still cared. I asked him why he stopped talking to me for a month. He told me that he never disrespected another person, and that he felt like he was disrespecting my ex by being there for me. He didn't want him being there to put a weight on my decision to leave or not. I told him that I respected him more for that, but he should have at least said hi or something. I thought he got pissed off and left. But now, things were more complicated.
Dave and I discussed wants and needs, I started to explain that I didn't want to project what I wanted before I knew for sure. He told me to tell him what I thought I wanted. I started to tell him, he got a call on the other line and told me not to hang up. I told him I wouldn't I was waiting. Unfortunately my phone started to die and disconnected the call. I had just enough power left to tell him that I needed to charge it. I felt horrible since I knew he thought that I must have hung up to avoid the rest of the conversation. But I didn't I wanted to tell him I wanted someone: strong, that knew what they wanted, that appreciated company, that accepted difference, I want someone that loves me when I wake up in the morning looking like the lockness monster, I want someone that knows that life is a roller coaster, that knows there IS going to be fights but that doesn't mean you don't love, that understands and appreciates culture. I want someone that can respect me, that can enjoy the simplest things, I want a lot. But I really don't want a lot it is simple things, that a man should have in him already. The only things that I require of a man physically are: he is taller than me. Dave is all of those things, but he is in Vegas and I am 1936 miles away from him. I wouldn't have friends there, family there, I would be starting over in a city where I am under aged. Being 19 in Vegas is the worst temptation.
So now I have the option of leaving my ex, and going to Vegas, staying here, living with my friends ... being a bum, dating Jo ...
Or I could stay and hope that the relationship won't turn sour again. But what it the likelihood of that?
February 4, 2007
It is officially my and my ex's one year anniversary, I had just got off the phone with Dave. He walks up out of no where and asks, "How long have you been cheating on me?" I told him I hadn't been that it had happened only since the time he broke up with me. I almost expected him not to believe me, but he did he nodded his head. He was in kahki shorts and was freezing. I asked him why he came out to check on me that I would be ok. He told me that we were not in the best neighborhood and I shouldn't be out in the cold. I told him I had to talk to someone that was nuetral for the most part and see what they said. He asked me why I couldn't just make a decison and not rely on other people. And I told him that I wasn't depending on the words of others but I wanted to hear some input on what others would say. I don't want to be selfish and say stay just so everything is good for me, I want to make an educated decision that is the best for the 2 of us. We sat in a friends car and talked about all the things that were wrong. The little things that bugged me, the way he had pushed me away for months, the things that made me feel like he would do it again. He told me I had 24 hours to decide to tell him to stay or go. We went back in, the Drag Factory was still up and going.
I got online to do my blog, and my last ex Scott got online and was talking to me drunk. He decided that he wanted to drunk call me and wanted my number. I gave it to him and he called. I talked to him for about 20 minutes about some of his drunken experiences. He reiterated all the drunken stories he had told me for months before. So that conversation ended pretty quickly.
I went into the livingroom to see if my migrant worker drag queens had finished their apparel. They hadn't. And I sat around and chatted with them. I picked up a needle and started sewing the things that couldn't be done by machine. They had little experience with things like that so I figured I would throw in some help. As the morning sun started to peek out of its hiding everyone was passed out in my livingroom but me and him.
I went to the bedroom and we talked again. We had to talk he was packing his things and ready to go at the tip of a hat. He couldn't understand why I was taking so long to make a decision. He didn't understand that I had so many questions. He just didn't. We talked some more, and he got upset for the second time. This time he was crying over his past. They finally dug their way out of his chest and surfaced. He told me he missed his father who passed away 2 years before, he missed his sister that was murdered, he hated that his parents were divorced ... he felt like he was living the life of a 40 year old but was only 21. Then there was me. I came into his life in 2003.
Flash Back to June 2003
He talked about the day that we met. I had been a friend to his sister Sam, who had befriended my best friend Renee. So we were all pretty close. I had come up for the summer to visit. We all decided to get drunk and hang out at Sam and his family's place. That night we went into the basement to visit him (which I will now give a name), Charles. He was on the computer and had been drinking as well. Sam went back upstairs because Marie had shown up and wanted to hang out in the upstairs. It was me, Renee and Charles. He played hackey sack and laughed. He showed us some music and he really seemed to have his eye on me. I noticed him too. At the time his hair was very long, almost to his pants line. It was dark, almost black, shiny and straight as could be. He was 6'4" tall and had a mild complexion. I could tell he was Italian. His brown eyes sparked at mine. Finally Renee was so drunk me and Charles had to carry her up stairs to Sam's bed. She fell out but we put her back.
I headed back to the basement with Charles. We talked and laughed. He really had this light in his eyes that gleamed with cheer. He was the quiet type, but not the shy type. He was a little judgemental but he was fun and I liked talking to him. We hit it off but I never thought of him as more. It may have been the alcohol but I just never looked at it more in depth. I was on the Internet, and browsing Charles' music collection when he moved his chair behind mine.
He leaned over my chair, he kissed passionately down my neck. He breathed in heavily and I felt his eyelashes touch my neck as he took in the scent of my hair, the feel of my skin and the feeling inside him. I could feel his heart flutter as he turned my chair around, he kissed down both sides of my neck and nibbled my ear. He kissed my face and then my lips. He bit my lip, he ran his hands through my hair after rubbing up my back. At this point my heart was melting in two. I kissed him back, I put my hands on the back of his neck I ran my fingers through his long hair. He lifted me out of my chair and cradled me into his lap. We kissed for hours, ten to be precise. He rubbed on my back, held my hips and cherished each moment of it. It was amazing. He was in love, I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted to make of this. Was it a one time only instance or would we turn out to do something? I was afraid I would leave back for home and never see him again. And how would I tell Sam, it WAS her brother?!
*****************
He talked about that first night, when I walked into his life. And how he had been going down the wrong path. He was a partier, a druggy and had all the wrong friends. Then he met me, he had never had a girl make him feel like that. He had only had one girlfriend before and he didn't love her. She didn't make him a better person. She just encouraged his bad habits. He got back hold of me after I went back. He couldn't get me out of his mind. He wanted me, he wanted me to be his. I didn't want a long distance relationship and I didn't want anyone that could lose their life so soon to drugs and partying. He cleaned up his act. He never touched another drug and still hasn't. No pot, no acid, no loratabs, nothing .... he wanted me and he wanted to be the man of my dreams. He is the type that doesn't believe in addiction, so it was easier for him than I fathomed was possible. I respected that. But I would never date him. I could not take him being 200 miles away. He never dated another girl. He held out for me. He set his eyes on the prize. Every time I came to visit he would take me on a date. Charles would take me to a movie, out to dinner or out to party if that is what I wanted to do. Only once did I want to go to a party and he took me out and made sure that no one hurt me or bothered me. He was very protective. He liked talking to me. Then, Scott happened. I mentioned him before. He was my boyfriend for a year and seven months. When it ended Charles was there. He wanted to help me pick up the pieces. He helped me through it all.
It took three years till I decided to date him. I started dating him well, a year ago. February 4, 2006. He took me out to a night club and dinner. I had an amazing time even though he was awkward and couldn't dance. I tried to help him out and entertain to him. And I told him, the next morning, Yes I would be his girlfriend. He had done so much for me how couldn't I?
And now to him three years of work was turning into another tragedy.
Life has been rough lately, the past few days have broke me down and made me feel like I was dieing. I have so many thoughts running through my head. Sometimes it gets hard to think and remember. I try to remember what all is going on but it gets confusing in my own mind. I want it all to go away, I expect to wake up and everything to be decided and it all be okay. But it isn't. Why isn't there a clear choice or decision? If he leaves, where do I go? If he stays will it be okay? Will I be strong enough to tell Jo that I can't see him anymore? What if I do tell him and my ex decides to leave anyway? Am I strong enough to live on my own? If I have to move where will I go? How will I move? I don't have a license or a car, I don't know anyone near here that I could stay with. I have two cat now and I will keep them with me, but where? And if this wasn't enough more happened.
I get a call from a old friend, (we'll call) Dave. He was interested in me since the day we met. He wanted me to be his girl. He knows that I am the one that will make everything ok. He was born and raised where I live now, but is in Vegas now. He is an Air force man, has been for 8 years. A very respectful man, a very intelligent man, he backed off when he found out I was taken. But he called. I ignored the call at first, I was afraid of what he wanted. I knew that he would complicate things, he texted me asking where I had been and what was going on. I decided later to call him. He deserved to talk to me at least. Three of my friends came over, they were making clothes. Well, two of them opened up a "Drag Factory" in my livingroom. I stepped outside to get some shoes out of the other's car. I sat out there and talked to Dave. He sounded concerned, I told him what happened with me and my ex. He told me to come to Vegas in the morning, to leave. Take one bag with me and come out to be with him. I told him, I have responsibilities here to get sorted out and I was not financially stable enough to purchase a ticket. He told me, he would get the ticket he wanted me out there bad. I explained, I had to get my family's antiques back to them, I had to bring my cats, and I couldn't live with myself if all my things were trashed. What if I needed something years from now and found out it had been trashed? I wanted to move properly. I didn't want to leave loose ends for others to take care of. It is only stuff but it is my stuff, it means something to me. I needed peace of mind. He told me fine, but that he wished I would do something quick. We talked longer and all of a sudden he starts pouting and says,
"I'm just a game aren't I?"
"If you were just a game you would not have my phone number, you wouldn't have my real name, you wouldn't have any REAL contact information on me.... nothing I would have lied. Dave, you wouldn't even have my messenger or myspace to contact me by if this was some sort of game."
He sighed a little, like he wasn't quite convinced.
"Dave, why would I come outside and talk to you? Why would I be outside with it being 22 degrees, with 2 inches of snow, and come talk to you? If this was a d*** game you wouldn't have gotten a hold of me."
We went on talking he tried to talk me into going inside and I told him I didn't feel like being pestered and asked, and all he understood. He felt bad that he called. I told him not to feel bad that I was glad to know he still cared. I asked him why he stopped talking to me for a month. He told me that he never disrespected another person, and that he felt like he was disrespecting my ex by being there for me. He didn't want him being there to put a weight on my decision to leave or not. I told him that I respected him more for that, but he should have at least said hi or something. I thought he got pissed off and left. But now, things were more complicated.
Dave and I discussed wants and needs, I started to explain that I didn't want to project what I wanted before I knew for sure. He told me to tell him what I thought I wanted. I started to tell him, he got a call on the other line and told me not to hang up. I told him I wouldn't I was waiting. Unfortunately my phone started to die and disconnected the call. I had just enough power left to tell him that I needed to charge it. I felt horrible since I knew he thought that I must have hung up to avoid the rest of the conversation. But I didn't I wanted to tell him I wanted someone: strong, that knew what they wanted, that appreciated company, that accepted difference, I want someone that loves me when I wake up in the morning looking like the lockness monster, I want someone that knows that life is a roller coaster, that knows there IS going to be fights but that doesn't mean you don't love, that understands and appreciates culture. I want someone that can respect me, that can enjoy the simplest things, I want a lot. But I really don't want a lot it is simple things, that a man should have in him already. The only things that I require of a man physically are: he is taller than me. Dave is all of those things, but he is in Vegas and I am 1936 miles away from him. I wouldn't have friends there, family there, I would be starting over in a city where I am under aged. Being 19 in Vegas is the worst temptation.
So now I have the option of leaving my ex, and going to Vegas, staying here, living with my friends ... being a bum, dating Jo ...
Or I could stay and hope that the relationship won't turn sour again. But what it the likelihood of that?
February 4, 2007
It is officially my and my ex's one year anniversary, I had just got off the phone with Dave. He walks up out of no where and asks, "How long have you been cheating on me?" I told him I hadn't been that it had happened only since the time he broke up with me. I almost expected him not to believe me, but he did he nodded his head. He was in kahki shorts and was freezing. I asked him why he came out to check on me that I would be ok. He told me that we were not in the best neighborhood and I shouldn't be out in the cold. I told him I had to talk to someone that was nuetral for the most part and see what they said. He asked me why I couldn't just make a decison and not rely on other people. And I told him that I wasn't depending on the words of others but I wanted to hear some input on what others would say. I don't want to be selfish and say stay just so everything is good for me, I want to make an educated decision that is the best for the 2 of us. We sat in a friends car and talked about all the things that were wrong. The little things that bugged me, the way he had pushed me away for months, the things that made me feel like he would do it again. He told me I had 24 hours to decide to tell him to stay or go. We went back in, the Drag Factory was still up and going.
I got online to do my blog, and my last ex Scott got online and was talking to me drunk. He decided that he wanted to drunk call me and wanted my number. I gave it to him and he called. I talked to him for about 20 minutes about some of his drunken experiences. He reiterated all the drunken stories he had told me for months before. So that conversation ended pretty quickly.
I went into the livingroom to see if my migrant worker drag queens had finished their apparel. They hadn't. And I sat around and chatted with them. I picked up a needle and started sewing the things that couldn't be done by machine. They had little experience with things like that so I figured I would throw in some help. As the morning sun started to peek out of its hiding everyone was passed out in my livingroom but me and him.
I went to the bedroom and we talked again. We had to talk he was packing his things and ready to go at the tip of a hat. He couldn't understand why I was taking so long to make a decision. He didn't understand that I had so many questions. He just didn't. We talked some more, and he got upset for the second time. This time he was crying over his past. They finally dug their way out of his chest and surfaced. He told me he missed his father who passed away 2 years before, he missed his sister that was murdered, he hated that his parents were divorced ... he felt like he was living the life of a 40 year old but was only 21. Then there was me. I came into his life in 2003.
Flash Back to June 2003
He talked about the day that we met. I had been a friend to his sister Sam, who had befriended my best friend Renee. So we were all pretty close. I had come up for the summer to visit. We all decided to get drunk and hang out at Sam and his family's place. That night we went into the basement to visit him (which I will now give a name), Charles. He was on the computer and had been drinking as well. Sam went back upstairs because Marie had shown up and wanted to hang out in the upstairs. It was me, Renee and Charles. He played hackey sack and laughed. He showed us some music and he really seemed to have his eye on me. I noticed him too. At the time his hair was very long, almost to his pants line. It was dark, almost black, shiny and straight as could be. He was 6'4" tall and had a mild complexion. I could tell he was Italian. His brown eyes sparked at mine. Finally Renee was so drunk me and Charles had to carry her up stairs to Sam's bed. She fell out but we put her back.
I headed back to the basement with Charles. We talked and laughed. He really had this light in his eyes that gleamed with cheer. He was the quiet type, but not the shy type. He was a little judgemental but he was fun and I liked talking to him. We hit it off but I never thought of him as more. It may have been the alcohol but I just never looked at it more in depth. I was on the Internet, and browsing Charles' music collection when he moved his chair behind mine.
He leaned over my chair, he kissed passionately down my neck. He breathed in heavily and I felt his eyelashes touch my neck as he took in the scent of my hair, the feel of my skin and the feeling inside him. I could feel his heart flutter as he turned my chair around, he kissed down both sides of my neck and nibbled my ear. He kissed my face and then my lips. He bit my lip, he ran his hands through my hair after rubbing up my back. At this point my heart was melting in two. I kissed him back, I put my hands on the back of his neck I ran my fingers through his long hair. He lifted me out of my chair and cradled me into his lap. We kissed for hours, ten to be precise. He rubbed on my back, held my hips and cherished each moment of it. It was amazing. He was in love, I was confused. I didn't know what I wanted to make of this. Was it a one time only instance or would we turn out to do something? I was afraid I would leave back for home and never see him again. And how would I tell Sam, it WAS her brother?!
*****************
He talked about that first night, when I walked into his life. And how he had been going down the wrong path. He was a partier, a druggy and had all the wrong friends. Then he met me, he had never had a girl make him feel like that. He had only had one girlfriend before and he didn't love her. She didn't make him a better person. She just encouraged his bad habits. He got back hold of me after I went back. He couldn't get me out of his mind. He wanted me, he wanted me to be his. I didn't want a long distance relationship and I didn't want anyone that could lose their life so soon to drugs and partying. He cleaned up his act. He never touched another drug and still hasn't. No pot, no acid, no loratabs, nothing .... he wanted me and he wanted to be the man of my dreams. He is the type that doesn't believe in addiction, so it was easier for him than I fathomed was possible. I respected that. But I would never date him. I could not take him being 200 miles away. He never dated another girl. He held out for me. He set his eyes on the prize. Every time I came to visit he would take me on a date. Charles would take me to a movie, out to dinner or out to party if that is what I wanted to do. Only once did I want to go to a party and he took me out and made sure that no one hurt me or bothered me. He was very protective. He liked talking to me. Then, Scott happened. I mentioned him before. He was my boyfriend for a year and seven months. When it ended Charles was there. He wanted to help me pick up the pieces. He helped me through it all.
It took three years till I decided to date him. I started dating him well, a year ago. February 4, 2006. He took me out to a night club and dinner. I had an amazing time even though he was awkward and couldn't dance. I tried to help him out and entertain to him. And I told him, the next morning, Yes I would be his girlfriend. He had done so much for me how couldn't I?
And now to him three years of work was turning into another tragedy.
I felt worse than ever at this point. How could I put this much hurt on one person? He was looking for something stable, and I gave him instability and lies. I told him again how sorry I was. I felt bad for still texting Jo, for talking to Dave and for everything.
I thought when I left that day that it was over forever. I thought that after everything, that the straw had finally broke the camel's back. But luckily. I have the most wonderful person in the world. He wanted me back. He wanted to hold me in his arms, and tell me everything that he could never talk about. He whispered in my ear "Please let me stay, don't let this be the end of us. I want to stay with you. I want to be your husband I want to grow old with you. I want you .... I can forgive you. I want you please don't deny me that." I actually couldn't speak. He was holding on to the back on my neck for dear life and I had my eyes averted to the ceiling. Tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't give him an answer. I still had to do what was right. I held him and wiped his tears away. He stopped crying. And he laid his head on my chest, closed his eyes and wanted everything to be ok. We fell asleep shortly after. All the drama had made us exhausted. Truly exhausted. I felt like I could not move without falling over.
February 5, 2007
I woke up. We had switched to him holding me to his chest. He had never held me so tight, it was amazing that he was asleep. He told me I had a few more hours to decide if he should go or leave. It made me nervous ... what if I picked the wrong decision? But I thought about it a lot, the entire day ... the rest that I had to consider my options.
It was an hour or so from decision time and I still didn't know what to do. I told him to please let both of us make a decision not just shove it on me. I told him everything that hurt in my soul. He needed to know. He was surprised that I was hurting ... actually .... more than he. I had all the hurt he did and that little bit more. We talked about what would happen if he left, we talked about us taking a week to decided ... apart, we talked about just staying together and seeing if it all would be better. I couldn't decide. I went to make a cup of dark chocolate capachino and he followed me. He looked at me and I knew he expected that answer and then. I told him ....
You can stay .... we can try to work it out if it doesn't work out then you can go. At that point he told me to set down my coffee. He picked me up and squeezed me till I couldn't breathe. He thanked me and told me he would try to do better with everything and try to stop pushing me away. I just hugged him back as he shook me.
We went about for a bit longer and we talked about what we both needed to fix. It felt nice.
But I was hiding one thing. I didn't know still. I wasn't going to run off the other two without absolute certainty. So this whole ordeal was going to continue....
Saturday, February 3, 2007
Part Two
I walked in my apartment expecting the worse. A feeling of dread ran through me. My first thought was to call Jo right back and and tell him wait. I wanted to go home with him. I wanted to grab some clothes and go hide out where no one knew where I was. No one knew where he lived, and no one needed to in my mind. My heart raced and I looked around to make sure everything was still intact. It seemed like a little mess was made but other than that everything was okay. I saw my kitten and I picked her up she seemed a little upset. But she purred, cause I was home. I was glad to see her, I missed her. She meowed and I sat her down. I walked from the door to the middle of the living room. My friend was asleep on the couch the house seemed quieter than ever.
I went to the bedroom, looked to my left and he was asleep in my bed. I wanted to leave so bad. He was laid out with a stuffed animal of mine and covered in my blankets you could tell he just wanted me to be there. He was covering his senses with me to ease the pain. I thought he was gone, I hoped he was gone. I wanted everything over then. But I knew that World War three was about to commence. He woke up and meekly told me to come sit next to him. I told him no. I told him it was over I had nothing to talk about. To leave, to let it all go. I paced around and finally sat down next to him. He grabbed me, he held me close and squeezed me he wanted me so bad . He looked for answers in my eyes and I remained cold I told him no it was best he go. To call his friend and go. His bags were packed in the floor. He held me tighter and started to cry. He hadn't cried till then. He wanted to know why!? What couldn't it work, he wanted answers to questions I couldn't give him answers to. He cried on my chest and he wanted to hear many things. And I let him cry till he was done. I tried so hard to be the strong one, that was all for us going our separate ways. Then he started saying the absolute sweetest things that have ever been said to me. He wanted me to be happy, he wanted me to live a life that mattered. He was still deeply in love and was sorry. I cried, I cried a lot. I needed to go to work but I would have just been a mess a tears and spoils. It hurt because I still love him. He didn't know what had happened he thought I was pure, and beautiful. He thought that I was sensible and smart. Things that I am but wasn't the night before. He wanted me so bad but was ready to take his things and go. He was ready to live the rest of his life without a heart.
I told him, there was something that I couldn't keep from him. I couldn't let him go on like he did hurting so bad and not know. I didn't want to tell him. I really wanted to just tell him it was nothing and to just go. But something inside told me he HAD to know. He had to know that I went out and why. He looked to me with eyes filled of tears and I told him the night before I hadn't been with my friends.
"You were with a guy weren't you?"
"...Yes ..."
"I sort of figured that ... but I didn't want to ask."
*silence*
"Well you didn't have sex did you?"
"...................(I closed my eyes and tears fell across my face) I did ..."
His face went more flush than it had been already, his sensitive touch turned to anger. Pure raging anger. I at that point feared for my own life. I knew that he could rip me apart if he so wanted to. He had never yelled so loud or anger fully before. He went on about how could I cheat on him, how could my friends let me, WHAT was I thinking, WHY, How .... he had so many questions. He put his foot through some of my things, he stampeded into the living room and screamed louder at my sleeping friend, "SHE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT HOW COULD YOU LET HER!?" I came in sobbing "Please stop please it is my fault not his ... PLEASE" I couldn't breathe my heart was racing so fast, my head throbbed I thought I was going to be sick. He ran to the kitchen and hit his head on the fridge. I fell to my knees, "Please stop PLEASE .." I could barely get a word out. He finally went back to the bedroom. I went in and tried to give him a hug or calm him somehow ... he didn't want to touch me. He wanted answers. He told me I was tainted that I was horrible that I disgusted him. I threw away our relationship and almost let him walk out that day thinking he was the bad guy ... it made him madder and fueled the fire of hatred that he unleashed on me. He was insanely mad and couldn't take it. I finally got him to sit down with me and talk. He wanted answers and I really didn't have any that he would accept. It in all truthfulness was NOT cheating, but he believes that if you love someone to do anything with any one else is cheating. He was mad that I did it so fast. He was mad at Jo, he was mad at my friends, he was mad at me ... he was mad .. period. He wanted a reason to yell at everything.
I told him to stay till he knew what was going on so he wouldn't regret leaving in the middle of the whole situation. He then looked at me a little different. Watery eyed, sad, and hurt, but calm. It was like that eerie feeling you get when you walk outside after a natural disaster. The one where you are like, "What just happened?" He told me, "Come here". I walked over to him head hung low, and hurting inside. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms. He pulled me close to his face and held me. I felt a single tear run down his face. He told me, "I love you, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I waited for three years to have you and I am not going to let you go now. Not over this, I am not ready to spend my life alone and miserable. I want to stay if you will let me. Please let me stay." This statement, hurt and felt good at the same time. I cried more and I didn't know what to say. I was ready to let him walk but I didn't realize the amount of love that he had been hiding in his heart. I thought maybe it was the hurt talking more so than him. I hugged him and I laid there. He laid me down and held me. He rubbed on my head and shoulders. He wanted me. I was so confused. Do I go with my ex or Jo ... or do I start over? What do I do? How do I go about making a decision, I love him but is it best that we stay together with this situation in the way? Was he going to go back to his old self; was he going to gloat on this and use it against me? I had more questions than he did. And even less answers. He started asking more questions and I just cried I didn't know the answer. I felt dumb, unlovable and so many things at once it was as if there wasn't a feeling at all. He cuddled up with me and I just laid there wondering the answers to my mental questions.
All of a sudden it was like he had went from: Sad, Crying, Mad, Furious, Upset, Forgiving, to Lovey. He wanted to act like we were a new couple and just lie with me and talk of the future. It was like that first six month period when you are so caught up in romance that you notice nothing else. But it felt fake it felt forced. But I let him cope that way, if he needed to do that then I wasn't going to tell him to stop burying it in his heart. We went on the day acting like nothing happened. And finally ... he was rubbing my feet and looked at me and I saw everyone of those questions. I reached over and kissed him. He told me that my kisses didn't feel the same. That somehow they were painful. I cried. It hurt so much, just to think that someone that got so much pleasure from being with me couldn't kiss me or look at me without thinking about Jo. He tried to get me to stop crying. But I was dehydrated and started to lose consciousness. I was deflated inside, I was crushed flat it seemed. My stomach was empty I had cried out all my fluids. He tried to get me to drink but I didn't have the strength to drink through a straw. I rested for a short while and he knelled beside me and held the cup and told me to drink out of the straw. I didn't want to but I did. It helped a little to have some replenishment.
I went to sleep after the whole incident and slept for quite some time. But it seemed like I didn't sleep. I was still sick I couldn't eat. I just drank.
February 2, 2007
I woke up to the fist snow of the year, I drug him out of bed to the front door and got excited. I told him that has snowed just for my birthday. He hugged me and he was glad that it was a beautiful day for my birthday. I told him get dressed ... I wanted to have a snowball fight. As childish as it was I wanted a snowball fight. I just wanted to go out behind the apartments and run around and play. He smiled and laughed and got dressed and went along with it.
We got outside, it was terribly cold but we were bundled up a lot. And we ran to the best snow patch and threw snow everywhere. He fell over on the snow and we laughed. I took the chance to get a good snowball on him. He smiled and laughed and got me back. It got a bit nippy after about 10 minutes or more, so we decided to go back in before it wasn't fun anymore. I went back out to toss my kitten in the snow to see what she would do. She wasn't too incredibly happy. But she was okay and I brought her back in. She curled up in my lap anytime she got the chance that day. I figured she would be mad at me, but she wasn't :)
I told him I wanted today to be as free of the whole situation as possible. He was understanding. But it was still there. I was punishing myself all day in my mind. And everyone knew. They told me to stop but the mental anguish was too much. My friends came up and took me and him out for my birthday they wanted to take me to a nice restaurant but I told them to just take me somewhere fastfood like. I couldn't eat a lot and I didn't want to waste their money. We ended up at McDonald's and we had a good time. I was right I couldn't eat much before I got sick. My insides were still gone it felt like. But I was glad to be around friends on my birthday. I just wanted to laugh and I did finally.
When we got back, we went through the how question and answer scenario again. He wanted me to tell him every last detail of the incident. He wanted me to show him HOW it could happen. It was like I was reliving a nightmare. I just wanted to make it stop. I enjoyed myself that night and I didn't want to make it out to be something horrible. I tried not to cry but tears came, not so heavy as before but they came. I stopped finally and went to see my friends in the living room. They wanted to talk about everything but how do you when he is in the other room? We went to a store to get drinks and snacks and I told them everything that happened. They think we should end it. And I can't say that I disagree ... but I want to hard for everything to be okay between me and him. I wish that it could be rainbows and kittens ...
My birthday was good but, I had a lot of pain in my heart. The best thing I got was those laughs. They were the only filling thing I had that day. I was weak and light headed all day. When the day finally came to an end I just wanted to know what I wanted. I talked to Jo online and I told him how things had went so far, but I also told him that me and my ex had split. I lied ... and I wanted to take it back but IF I were to continue to talk to Jo then he would have to think that. I didn't want to decide he was the one and have lost him. But I knew I should have told the truth. It was wrong to say what I did. I am just afraid that I will go the wrong direction and not be able to go back. It is hard for me to understand how to make a justified and proper decision. I feel like I will be biased. What do I do? Do I call a year of love quits and go on to another relationship ....? Do I mend it and always wonder what could have been IF things go wrong again? Or is there and option I am not weighing out!?
I just don't know anymore. I really don't, I am lost. I want an answer and I want the right one.
To be Continued .... again
I went to the bedroom, looked to my left and he was asleep in my bed. I wanted to leave so bad. He was laid out with a stuffed animal of mine and covered in my blankets you could tell he just wanted me to be there. He was covering his senses with me to ease the pain. I thought he was gone, I hoped he was gone. I wanted everything over then. But I knew that World War three was about to commence. He woke up and meekly told me to come sit next to him. I told him no. I told him it was over I had nothing to talk about. To leave, to let it all go. I paced around and finally sat down next to him. He grabbed me, he held me close and squeezed me he wanted me so bad . He looked for answers in my eyes and I remained cold I told him no it was best he go. To call his friend and go. His bags were packed in the floor. He held me tighter and started to cry. He hadn't cried till then. He wanted to know why!? What couldn't it work, he wanted answers to questions I couldn't give him answers to. He cried on my chest and he wanted to hear many things. And I let him cry till he was done. I tried so hard to be the strong one, that was all for us going our separate ways. Then he started saying the absolute sweetest things that have ever been said to me. He wanted me to be happy, he wanted me to live a life that mattered. He was still deeply in love and was sorry. I cried, I cried a lot. I needed to go to work but I would have just been a mess a tears and spoils. It hurt because I still love him. He didn't know what had happened he thought I was pure, and beautiful. He thought that I was sensible and smart. Things that I am but wasn't the night before. He wanted me so bad but was ready to take his things and go. He was ready to live the rest of his life without a heart.
I told him, there was something that I couldn't keep from him. I couldn't let him go on like he did hurting so bad and not know. I didn't want to tell him. I really wanted to just tell him it was nothing and to just go. But something inside told me he HAD to know. He had to know that I went out and why. He looked to me with eyes filled of tears and I told him the night before I hadn't been with my friends.
"You were with a guy weren't you?"
"...Yes ..."
"I sort of figured that ... but I didn't want to ask."
*silence*
"Well you didn't have sex did you?"
"...................(I closed my eyes and tears fell across my face) I did ..."
His face went more flush than it had been already, his sensitive touch turned to anger. Pure raging anger. I at that point feared for my own life. I knew that he could rip me apart if he so wanted to. He had never yelled so loud or anger fully before. He went on about how could I cheat on him, how could my friends let me, WHAT was I thinking, WHY, How .... he had so many questions. He put his foot through some of my things, he stampeded into the living room and screamed louder at my sleeping friend, "SHE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT HOW COULD YOU LET HER!?" I came in sobbing "Please stop please it is my fault not his ... PLEASE" I couldn't breathe my heart was racing so fast, my head throbbed I thought I was going to be sick. He ran to the kitchen and hit his head on the fridge. I fell to my knees, "Please stop PLEASE .." I could barely get a word out. He finally went back to the bedroom. I went in and tried to give him a hug or calm him somehow ... he didn't want to touch me. He wanted answers. He told me I was tainted that I was horrible that I disgusted him. I threw away our relationship and almost let him walk out that day thinking he was the bad guy ... it made him madder and fueled the fire of hatred that he unleashed on me. He was insanely mad and couldn't take it. I finally got him to sit down with me and talk. He wanted answers and I really didn't have any that he would accept. It in all truthfulness was NOT cheating, but he believes that if you love someone to do anything with any one else is cheating. He was mad that I did it so fast. He was mad at Jo, he was mad at my friends, he was mad at me ... he was mad .. period. He wanted a reason to yell at everything.
I told him to stay till he knew what was going on so he wouldn't regret leaving in the middle of the whole situation. He then looked at me a little different. Watery eyed, sad, and hurt, but calm. It was like that eerie feeling you get when you walk outside after a natural disaster. The one where you are like, "What just happened?" He told me, "Come here". I walked over to him head hung low, and hurting inside. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms. He pulled me close to his face and held me. I felt a single tear run down his face. He told me, "I love you, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I waited for three years to have you and I am not going to let you go now. Not over this, I am not ready to spend my life alone and miserable. I want to stay if you will let me. Please let me stay." This statement, hurt and felt good at the same time. I cried more and I didn't know what to say. I was ready to let him walk but I didn't realize the amount of love that he had been hiding in his heart. I thought maybe it was the hurt talking more so than him. I hugged him and I laid there. He laid me down and held me. He rubbed on my head and shoulders. He wanted me. I was so confused. Do I go with my ex or Jo ... or do I start over? What do I do? How do I go about making a decision, I love him but is it best that we stay together with this situation in the way? Was he going to go back to his old self; was he going to gloat on this and use it against me? I had more questions than he did. And even less answers. He started asking more questions and I just cried I didn't know the answer. I felt dumb, unlovable and so many things at once it was as if there wasn't a feeling at all. He cuddled up with me and I just laid there wondering the answers to my mental questions.
All of a sudden it was like he had went from: Sad, Crying, Mad, Furious, Upset, Forgiving, to Lovey. He wanted to act like we were a new couple and just lie with me and talk of the future. It was like that first six month period when you are so caught up in romance that you notice nothing else. But it felt fake it felt forced. But I let him cope that way, if he needed to do that then I wasn't going to tell him to stop burying it in his heart. We went on the day acting like nothing happened. And finally ... he was rubbing my feet and looked at me and I saw everyone of those questions. I reached over and kissed him. He told me that my kisses didn't feel the same. That somehow they were painful. I cried. It hurt so much, just to think that someone that got so much pleasure from being with me couldn't kiss me or look at me without thinking about Jo. He tried to get me to stop crying. But I was dehydrated and started to lose consciousness. I was deflated inside, I was crushed flat it seemed. My stomach was empty I had cried out all my fluids. He tried to get me to drink but I didn't have the strength to drink through a straw. I rested for a short while and he knelled beside me and held the cup and told me to drink out of the straw. I didn't want to but I did. It helped a little to have some replenishment.
I went to sleep after the whole incident and slept for quite some time. But it seemed like I didn't sleep. I was still sick I couldn't eat. I just drank.
February 2, 2007
I woke up to the fist snow of the year, I drug him out of bed to the front door and got excited. I told him that has snowed just for my birthday. He hugged me and he was glad that it was a beautiful day for my birthday. I told him get dressed ... I wanted to have a snowball fight. As childish as it was I wanted a snowball fight. I just wanted to go out behind the apartments and run around and play. He smiled and laughed and got dressed and went along with it.
We got outside, it was terribly cold but we were bundled up a lot. And we ran to the best snow patch and threw snow everywhere. He fell over on the snow and we laughed. I took the chance to get a good snowball on him. He smiled and laughed and got me back. It got a bit nippy after about 10 minutes or more, so we decided to go back in before it wasn't fun anymore. I went back out to toss my kitten in the snow to see what she would do. She wasn't too incredibly happy. But she was okay and I brought her back in. She curled up in my lap anytime she got the chance that day. I figured she would be mad at me, but she wasn't :)
I told him I wanted today to be as free of the whole situation as possible. He was understanding. But it was still there. I was punishing myself all day in my mind. And everyone knew. They told me to stop but the mental anguish was too much. My friends came up and took me and him out for my birthday they wanted to take me to a nice restaurant but I told them to just take me somewhere fastfood like. I couldn't eat a lot and I didn't want to waste their money. We ended up at McDonald's and we had a good time. I was right I couldn't eat much before I got sick. My insides were still gone it felt like. But I was glad to be around friends on my birthday. I just wanted to laugh and I did finally.
When we got back, we went through the how question and answer scenario again. He wanted me to tell him every last detail of the incident. He wanted me to show him HOW it could happen. It was like I was reliving a nightmare. I just wanted to make it stop. I enjoyed myself that night and I didn't want to make it out to be something horrible. I tried not to cry but tears came, not so heavy as before but they came. I stopped finally and went to see my friends in the living room. They wanted to talk about everything but how do you when he is in the other room? We went to a store to get drinks and snacks and I told them everything that happened. They think we should end it. And I can't say that I disagree ... but I want to hard for everything to be okay between me and him. I wish that it could be rainbows and kittens ...
My birthday was good but, I had a lot of pain in my heart. The best thing I got was those laughs. They were the only filling thing I had that day. I was weak and light headed all day. When the day finally came to an end I just wanted to know what I wanted. I talked to Jo online and I told him how things had went so far, but I also told him that me and my ex had split. I lied ... and I wanted to take it back but IF I were to continue to talk to Jo then he would have to think that. I didn't want to decide he was the one and have lost him. But I knew I should have told the truth. It was wrong to say what I did. I am just afraid that I will go the wrong direction and not be able to go back. It is hard for me to understand how to make a justified and proper decision. I feel like I will be biased. What do I do? Do I call a year of love quits and go on to another relationship ....? Do I mend it and always wonder what could have been IF things go wrong again? Or is there and option I am not weighing out!?
I just don't know anymore. I really don't, I am lost. I want an answer and I want the right one.
To be Continued .... again
Beginnings
Life has been hard for me. I have had a little more of a roller coaster than most people. Or so it seems. My stories of regular life shock people, they make them feel bad for me. But why? I am just a normal person. Aren't I? Am I so different from my experiences? I guess so. I would start at the beginning of this story but it makes it more interesting to hear the "here and now" doesn't it? And then slowly step back into some incidents from before. So lets dive in ... lets see what is SO different about me.
(I am going to rewind a few days but I'll try to put dates, for what I know dates to)
January 31, 2007
The last day of the month has come and would past, and a new month would soon bloom. I am at my home with my are my significant other (of a year as of the fourth (4th)) and a close friend who has been staying on my couch. I am asleep, it is 11:00 am. I get woke up by his calls that his car is broke down it is over heating he had to come back home because it won't make it to work. I told him okay, well we have to find away to get the car running or him to work. He is upset and cold, I tell him to sit with me and tell me what the car was doing. Overheating, bad overheating. I knew it was the thermostat or that fact that he always forgot to change his radiator fluid and it was all water pretty much. I told him, call work, then go and change the fluid I would help.
"The cap that drains it won't come off," ...
"Ok, then we will take the lower hose off to drain and flush it and then put it back on and refill it."
"Well I don't really know how to do that and I don't have the tools,"
"Ok then we'll take it to a mechanic, grab the phonebook,"
"I don't have the money"
"Fine, I'll give you my bus pass the next bus should be running in about 20 minutes .. take it to the station then grab the number 4 and get to work. Just make sure to call and tell work so they don't fire you."
"Well, they won't do that I put in my two weeks notice already and I leave on the 8th. And no I am not going to take the bus. I need a nap let me get a nap for an hour"
"No, you need to call a mechanic and tell then you will be in, in an hour and what you need done."
This conversation continues on for another ten minutes. He didn't grab the phone book and I insisted on the bus. But he finds himself too good for public transportation. This is where I will pick up a little more of the conversation that leads to the reason for this whole blog.
"Honey, get up at least call someone ... see if anyone at work can get you!"
"NO, I am SICK OF YOU tell ME what to DO! Just SHUT THE F*** UP and leave me ALONE!"
"Calm down, I am trying to save you from losing your job early. God knows we can't afford for that. I work part time and can barely pay my half. We live on you ... you have to understand. You NEED to go to work. Please just call a place then nap ..."
"NO leave me ALONE! Get out of my face get away from me I am sick of you being like this, all you do is b**** and complain"
"Then get out of my bed, I own everything in this house except your clothes and your computer. I am trying to save us. What are you trying to do! Huh what!? Tell me ... you have me listening and you have me pissed off ... what do you want me to do or say! Tell me, speak up loud and clear. I am tired of trying to patch things and be the "housewife" when all you want to do is play games and sleep. You act like a child. I offer you a way to work that is free of charge and pretty reliable for what it is and you won't go. I try to get you to call a mechanic so you can get to work, but no you yell and scream at me. Did I mess up your car!? Wasn't I the one that told you what was wrong with it!?"
"SHUT THE F*** UP!"
"Fine ... go to sleep. Go ... get in the floor with your measly little blanket and your flat little pillows and lay there. You wouldn't be so tired if you wouldn't stay up till it was time to leave for work , online playing a MMORPG. But I don't complain I let you do your own thing. Because you are three years older and "smarter" and you "can do that type of thing fine" ... look at you! Your sitting there huddled in the floor like a baby. Is that what this relationship is about? You getting everything you want your way then me cleaning up, cooking and taking care of the house on top of school and work? Let I remind you, that I get no credit for that. I do nothing because I only work 30 hours a week, and come home and cook for you every D*** night! I take care of you. All I expect from you is love, respect and for you to take care of the rest of the financial situation. You don't do but one of those and I sometimes wonder if you DO love me."
*silence*
"Come on speak up, be the man of the house that you so claim that you are"
"IT IS OVER!?"
"What is over"
"Us we are over, it is done."
"Ok ...."
So, yeah I pushed it on myself. But in the past months he had spent over 11 hours a day online playing games. He complained if I ask him to bring his dishes from the room to the kitchen. He YELLED at me if I asked what he was up to when I was on my lunch break. He told me the day before that I was useless, that I was only for sex that I wasn't even a good girlfriend. Then turned around and "was joking" after I cried. He put me through a lot and he abused me on occasion. Nothing too bad, but I had bruises on occasion and I threatened to leave, but I always found a reason to stay.
In the year of our relationship, he or I had never "broke up" or ended the relationship in anyway. We would fight and we knew that it would pass. Not once did "Its over" come out of either of our mouths. It wasn't a known part of out vocabulary till now.
Hurt I left the room and went to speak to my friend sleeping on the couch. What should I do? It is over, he is serious. I want to get out of here I need a change of scenery I need to find out what is wrong with me. This is the type of thing that had come out of my mouth. I was devastated, and hurt. I didn't want to cry though. I had been through an almost 2 year relationship before this and it ended badly and I cried myself to sleep for a long time. I just didn't want that again. I wanted to be strong, and accept his decision. I didn't want to be a weak girl that had her heart broke again. But I wanted to bad to just cry and ask why. I didn't ... I got all fixed up, I looked the best that I had in almost two years. I showed myself I really could be the fox I used to be. I had just let the make up be plain Jane, let me outfits be a little conservative and my personality turned down. I went out in 4 inch heels, a micro mini, a pink sweater and I looked amazing. I really couldn't believe it was me when I looked in the mirror. But where would I go ...? I made a call to a guy I know, (names are all changed) Jo, he was almost entirely different from my last relationship. He was tall, athletic, dark, handsome, he has had the same job for over 8 years, he owns his own home, he was only 26 and has everything that he needs. Except for a girl. He and his ex had split in August and he just couldn't find the girl he wanted. He wanted someone that cooks, cleans, is beautiful, intelligent, funny, and likes to go out with him. He wanted me, I could tell. So I called him up.
I asked him if he wanted to go out and shoot some pool at a little place up near my apartment. He told me sure, that sounded great that he'd be over in 45 minutes. I live in a larger city and he lives close to my old home. So I waited and when he got here I went with him. I thought it would be best for me to leave. My now ex said he would be leaving and I couldn't bare to see him leave. It killed me to have to watch another person walk out on me. I wanted the impact to be less significant. We couldn't find the pool place, but we went back near him home and went and saw a movie (Smoking Aces ... pretty good movie). Jo was very respectful of me ... he didn't try to kiss me, he didn't hold me hand, he just put his arm around me and was content watching the movie. I was happy that everything seemed to be ok. My phone was out of service because it didn't get reception and that felt good. No one could reach me unless they called him. And of course ... they did.
My friends called looking for me telling me new ex wanted to talk to me that he was looking for me. That he had some things to say before he left. I told them I didn't want to hear it. I told them he had made the break and I wanted it to be clean. I wanted it to end and him to take his things and just go. When I came home I would deal with the damage. They tried to talk me into coming home but I am stubborn and told them no, he wasn't going to have everything his way anymore. I told them if anything was happening of importance to text Jo and he would tell me. I went on a little stressed out and I told Jo what was going on. I found it SO surprising that he was as calm as he was. he told me that anytime I needed to go home he would take me. That he would be worried about his home too and that he would come with me if I really needed it. I could tell he had been through it too. It was comforting to know that he wasn't a jerk that would be like "I can't deal with this." I really respect him a lot for that. It helped my heart more than anything.
The movie ended and he asked if I wanted to go home. I told him I didn't want to be there with my ex. I wanted to be as far away as possible. It was late by this point and he asked where I wanted to go. I asked if his place was ok. He told me that was fine, he sort of hoped I would come home with him and keep him company. So we headed to his home. I had never been there. When we got to the driveway, I saw it. It was beautiful. A two story home sitting on some acreage and it was beautiful. He parked the truck and I got out and walked up to the house with him. When he opened the door it just felt right. I really liked his place. It wasn't a bachelor's pad, it was a classically decorated, very nice home. The kitchen was exceptionally nice, like everything it seemed homely. It was my style really.
He turned on the television in the living room and we sat down and watched the news since nothing else was on. It was that time when the late shows were about to come on and everything else was crap. So I started rubbing his back. I am known well for my back massages and I could tell his back hadn't been feeling well. He told me that it felt amazing. He had on a hoody and went to put on a regular shirt. He came back and I was curled up under a blanket on the couch. He told me he would get a massage out of me some way. I told him that was fine I'd give him a massage. I asked if he wanted me to sit up and have him lay down in here or if he wanted to lay in his bed and get a massage. He told me whichever so we went to his bedroom and I started giving him a massage. He almost fell asleep. So I laid down and watched on there. The late night shows were finally on. He rolled back over and we started watching. He leaned over and gave me a little kiss on my lips. Which then turned into us heavily making out. (apparently my kisses has the tendency to do that). He started kissing on my neck and I went for his which I find is one of his spots. It got a little heated up and we ended up having sex. (protected). I had only been with 2 people before him and I felt horrible for giving it up so easily when the other waited so long. But I felt like it was okay for me to do it. I don't know if he just relaxed and comforted me or if I was just crazy. Afterward, he laid down with me and held me more. We talked and laughed at the shows. He enjoyed embracing me and I could tell by the feeling he gave off. I really enjoyed myself. It helped me try to cope with the other situation that was going on.
Then
He got a text, "Have her call me" from my friend who had called before. He handed me his phone, it already was dialing... he knew I didn't want to call. My friend picked up, and told me that my ex wanted to talk to me before he left. I told her no. He could go I didn't want to talk. He refused to leave till he saw me again. So I knew he was staying the whole night. I dreaded going home in the morning. He thought I was out with another friend.
February 1, 2007
I went to sleep that night in the arms of another man and woke up the same way. He never let me go as I nuzzled into his chest. He woke me up with a smile and asked if I slept okay. I told him yes and asked him if he did. He told me yea he did. And asked when I needed to be home. I told him 10. It was 8:30. We laid around and watched the news. It had snowed a little, and schools were closed for snow days all around. I didn't want to get out of bed cause I knew it would be nippy. We laid around for a while he and I chatted a little. I could tell neither of us really wanted to leave. But he finally looked at the clock and told me that he wasn't going to push me but it was 9:45. That I could stay as long as I wanted but if I wanted to leave at 10 I should probably get my clothes on. I smiled and told him if he wanted to drive me home then he would have to get his clothes on too. He smirked and kissed me. I got up and told him he was right I should get dressed or I would never leave. I don't think he would have minded really but I knew I had things to deal with.
On the way home we had a lot of talk, and it seemed like we were planning things to do later. He asked if I would ride with him on his street bike when spring rolled around. I told him yea I would. And we wanted to go to my parents farm and go four-wheeling on the creek. We talked about the "next time" I came over. And when he would come to stay at my apartment. It was great. We laughed and talked about our childhoods a little. It felt good. The ride was enjoyable and the experience I had was wonderful. He dropped me off and offered to take me in but I told him I didn't know where my ex was or what he would do and I didn't want to start anything. He gave me a kiss and a hug and waited to make sure I got to the door before he pulled off. It felt nice.
I walked in the door. And he was in the bedroom.
To be continued .....
(I am going to rewind a few days but I'll try to put dates, for what I know dates to)
January 31, 2007
The last day of the month has come and would past, and a new month would soon bloom. I am at my home with my are my significant other (of a year as of the fourth (4th)) and a close friend who has been staying on my couch. I am asleep, it is 11:00 am. I get woke up by his calls that his car is broke down it is over heating he had to come back home because it won't make it to work. I told him okay, well we have to find away to get the car running or him to work. He is upset and cold, I tell him to sit with me and tell me what the car was doing. Overheating, bad overheating. I knew it was the thermostat or that fact that he always forgot to change his radiator fluid and it was all water pretty much. I told him, call work, then go and change the fluid I would help.
"The cap that drains it won't come off," ...
"Ok, then we will take the lower hose off to drain and flush it and then put it back on and refill it."
"Well I don't really know how to do that and I don't have the tools,"
"Ok then we'll take it to a mechanic, grab the phonebook,"
"I don't have the money"
"Fine, I'll give you my bus pass the next bus should be running in about 20 minutes .. take it to the station then grab the number 4 and get to work. Just make sure to call and tell work so they don't fire you."
"Well, they won't do that I put in my two weeks notice already and I leave on the 8th. And no I am not going to take the bus. I need a nap let me get a nap for an hour"
"No, you need to call a mechanic and tell then you will be in, in an hour and what you need done."
This conversation continues on for another ten minutes. He didn't grab the phone book and I insisted on the bus. But he finds himself too good for public transportation. This is where I will pick up a little more of the conversation that leads to the reason for this whole blog.
"Honey, get up at least call someone ... see if anyone at work can get you!"
"NO, I am SICK OF YOU tell ME what to DO! Just SHUT THE F*** UP and leave me ALONE!"
"Calm down, I am trying to save you from losing your job early. God knows we can't afford for that. I work part time and can barely pay my half. We live on you ... you have to understand. You NEED to go to work. Please just call a place then nap ..."
"NO leave me ALONE! Get out of my face get away from me I am sick of you being like this, all you do is b**** and complain"
"Then get out of my bed, I own everything in this house except your clothes and your computer. I am trying to save us. What are you trying to do! Huh what!? Tell me ... you have me listening and you have me pissed off ... what do you want me to do or say! Tell me, speak up loud and clear. I am tired of trying to patch things and be the "housewife" when all you want to do is play games and sleep. You act like a child. I offer you a way to work that is free of charge and pretty reliable for what it is and you won't go. I try to get you to call a mechanic so you can get to work, but no you yell and scream at me. Did I mess up your car!? Wasn't I the one that told you what was wrong with it!?"
"SHUT THE F*** UP!"
"Fine ... go to sleep. Go ... get in the floor with your measly little blanket and your flat little pillows and lay there. You wouldn't be so tired if you wouldn't stay up till it was time to leave for work , online playing a MMORPG. But I don't complain I let you do your own thing. Because you are three years older and "smarter" and you "can do that type of thing fine" ... look at you! Your sitting there huddled in the floor like a baby. Is that what this relationship is about? You getting everything you want your way then me cleaning up, cooking and taking care of the house on top of school and work? Let I remind you, that I get no credit for that. I do nothing because I only work 30 hours a week, and come home and cook for you every D*** night! I take care of you. All I expect from you is love, respect and for you to take care of the rest of the financial situation. You don't do but one of those and I sometimes wonder if you DO love me."
*silence*
"Come on speak up, be the man of the house that you so claim that you are"
"IT IS OVER!?"
"What is over"
"Us we are over, it is done."
"Ok ...."
So, yeah I pushed it on myself. But in the past months he had spent over 11 hours a day online playing games. He complained if I ask him to bring his dishes from the room to the kitchen. He YELLED at me if I asked what he was up to when I was on my lunch break. He told me the day before that I was useless, that I was only for sex that I wasn't even a good girlfriend. Then turned around and "was joking" after I cried. He put me through a lot and he abused me on occasion. Nothing too bad, but I had bruises on occasion and I threatened to leave, but I always found a reason to stay.
In the year of our relationship, he or I had never "broke up" or ended the relationship in anyway. We would fight and we knew that it would pass. Not once did "Its over" come out of either of our mouths. It wasn't a known part of out vocabulary till now.
Hurt I left the room and went to speak to my friend sleeping on the couch. What should I do? It is over, he is serious. I want to get out of here I need a change of scenery I need to find out what is wrong with me. This is the type of thing that had come out of my mouth. I was devastated, and hurt. I didn't want to cry though. I had been through an almost 2 year relationship before this and it ended badly and I cried myself to sleep for a long time. I just didn't want that again. I wanted to be strong, and accept his decision. I didn't want to be a weak girl that had her heart broke again. But I wanted to bad to just cry and ask why. I didn't ... I got all fixed up, I looked the best that I had in almost two years. I showed myself I really could be the fox I used to be. I had just let the make up be plain Jane, let me outfits be a little conservative and my personality turned down. I went out in 4 inch heels, a micro mini, a pink sweater and I looked amazing. I really couldn't believe it was me when I looked in the mirror. But where would I go ...? I made a call to a guy I know, (names are all changed) Jo, he was almost entirely different from my last relationship. He was tall, athletic, dark, handsome, he has had the same job for over 8 years, he owns his own home, he was only 26 and has everything that he needs. Except for a girl. He and his ex had split in August and he just couldn't find the girl he wanted. He wanted someone that cooks, cleans, is beautiful, intelligent, funny, and likes to go out with him. He wanted me, I could tell. So I called him up.
I asked him if he wanted to go out and shoot some pool at a little place up near my apartment. He told me sure, that sounded great that he'd be over in 45 minutes. I live in a larger city and he lives close to my old home. So I waited and when he got here I went with him. I thought it would be best for me to leave. My now ex said he would be leaving and I couldn't bare to see him leave. It killed me to have to watch another person walk out on me. I wanted the impact to be less significant. We couldn't find the pool place, but we went back near him home and went and saw a movie (Smoking Aces ... pretty good movie). Jo was very respectful of me ... he didn't try to kiss me, he didn't hold me hand, he just put his arm around me and was content watching the movie. I was happy that everything seemed to be ok. My phone was out of service because it didn't get reception and that felt good. No one could reach me unless they called him. And of course ... they did.
My friends called looking for me telling me new ex wanted to talk to me that he was looking for me. That he had some things to say before he left. I told them I didn't want to hear it. I told them he had made the break and I wanted it to be clean. I wanted it to end and him to take his things and just go. When I came home I would deal with the damage. They tried to talk me into coming home but I am stubborn and told them no, he wasn't going to have everything his way anymore. I told them if anything was happening of importance to text Jo and he would tell me. I went on a little stressed out and I told Jo what was going on. I found it SO surprising that he was as calm as he was. he told me that anytime I needed to go home he would take me. That he would be worried about his home too and that he would come with me if I really needed it. I could tell he had been through it too. It was comforting to know that he wasn't a jerk that would be like "I can't deal with this." I really respect him a lot for that. It helped my heart more than anything.
The movie ended and he asked if I wanted to go home. I told him I didn't want to be there with my ex. I wanted to be as far away as possible. It was late by this point and he asked where I wanted to go. I asked if his place was ok. He told me that was fine, he sort of hoped I would come home with him and keep him company. So we headed to his home. I had never been there. When we got to the driveway, I saw it. It was beautiful. A two story home sitting on some acreage and it was beautiful. He parked the truck and I got out and walked up to the house with him. When he opened the door it just felt right. I really liked his place. It wasn't a bachelor's pad, it was a classically decorated, very nice home. The kitchen was exceptionally nice, like everything it seemed homely. It was my style really.
He turned on the television in the living room and we sat down and watched the news since nothing else was on. It was that time when the late shows were about to come on and everything else was crap. So I started rubbing his back. I am known well for my back massages and I could tell his back hadn't been feeling well. He told me that it felt amazing. He had on a hoody and went to put on a regular shirt. He came back and I was curled up under a blanket on the couch. He told me he would get a massage out of me some way. I told him that was fine I'd give him a massage. I asked if he wanted me to sit up and have him lay down in here or if he wanted to lay in his bed and get a massage. He told me whichever so we went to his bedroom and I started giving him a massage. He almost fell asleep. So I laid down and watched on there. The late night shows were finally on. He rolled back over and we started watching. He leaned over and gave me a little kiss on my lips. Which then turned into us heavily making out. (apparently my kisses has the tendency to do that). He started kissing on my neck and I went for his which I find is one of his spots. It got a little heated up and we ended up having sex. (protected). I had only been with 2 people before him and I felt horrible for giving it up so easily when the other waited so long. But I felt like it was okay for me to do it. I don't know if he just relaxed and comforted me or if I was just crazy. Afterward, he laid down with me and held me more. We talked and laughed at the shows. He enjoyed embracing me and I could tell by the feeling he gave off. I really enjoyed myself. It helped me try to cope with the other situation that was going on.
Then
He got a text, "Have her call me" from my friend who had called before. He handed me his phone, it already was dialing... he knew I didn't want to call. My friend picked up, and told me that my ex wanted to talk to me before he left. I told her no. He could go I didn't want to talk. He refused to leave till he saw me again. So I knew he was staying the whole night. I dreaded going home in the morning. He thought I was out with another friend.
February 1, 2007
I went to sleep that night in the arms of another man and woke up the same way. He never let me go as I nuzzled into his chest. He woke me up with a smile and asked if I slept okay. I told him yes and asked him if he did. He told me yea he did. And asked when I needed to be home. I told him 10. It was 8:30. We laid around and watched the news. It had snowed a little, and schools were closed for snow days all around. I didn't want to get out of bed cause I knew it would be nippy. We laid around for a while he and I chatted a little. I could tell neither of us really wanted to leave. But he finally looked at the clock and told me that he wasn't going to push me but it was 9:45. That I could stay as long as I wanted but if I wanted to leave at 10 I should probably get my clothes on. I smiled and told him if he wanted to drive me home then he would have to get his clothes on too. He smirked and kissed me. I got up and told him he was right I should get dressed or I would never leave. I don't think he would have minded really but I knew I had things to deal with.
On the way home we had a lot of talk, and it seemed like we were planning things to do later. He asked if I would ride with him on his street bike when spring rolled around. I told him yea I would. And we wanted to go to my parents farm and go four-wheeling on the creek. We talked about the "next time" I came over. And when he would come to stay at my apartment. It was great. We laughed and talked about our childhoods a little. It felt good. The ride was enjoyable and the experience I had was wonderful. He dropped me off and offered to take me in but I told him I didn't know where my ex was or what he would do and I didn't want to start anything. He gave me a kiss and a hug and waited to make sure I got to the door before he pulled off. It felt nice.
I walked in the door. And he was in the bedroom.
To be continued .....
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