Part Two

I walked in my apartment expecting the worse. A feeling of dread ran through me. My first thought was to call Jo right back and and tell him wait. I wanted to go home with him. I wanted to grab some clothes and go hide out where no one knew where I was. No one knew where he lived, and no one needed to in my mind. My heart raced and I looked around to make sure everything was still intact. It seemed like a little mess was made but other than that everything was okay. I saw my kitten and I picked her up she seemed a little upset. But she purred, cause I was home. I was glad to see her, I missed her. She meowed and I sat her down. I walked from the door to the middle of the living room. My friend was asleep on the couch the house seemed quieter than ever.

I went to the bedroom, looked to my left and he was asleep in my bed. I wanted to leave so bad. He was laid out with a stuffed animal of mine and covered in my blankets you could tell he just wanted me to be there. He was covering his senses with me to ease the pain. I thought he was gone, I hoped he was gone. I wanted everything over then. But I knew that World War three was about to commence. He woke up and meekly told me to come sit next to him. I told him no. I told him it was over I had nothing to talk about. To leave, to let it all go. I paced around and finally sat down next to him. He grabbed me, he held me close and squeezed me he wanted me so bad . He looked for answers in my eyes and I remained cold I told him no it was best he go. To call his friend and go. His bags were packed in the floor. He held me tighter and started to cry. He hadn't cried till then. He wanted to know why!? What couldn't it work, he wanted answers to questions I couldn't give him answers to. He cried on my chest and he wanted to hear many things. And I let him cry till he was done. I tried so hard to be the strong one, that was all for us going our separate ways. Then he started saying the absolute sweetest things that have ever been said to me. He wanted me to be happy, he wanted me to live a life that mattered. He was still deeply in love and was sorry. I cried, I cried a lot. I needed to go to work but I would have just been a mess a tears and spoils. It hurt because I still love him. He didn't know what had happened he thought I was pure, and beautiful. He thought that I was sensible and smart. Things that I am but wasn't the night before. He wanted me so bad but was ready to take his things and go. He was ready to live the rest of his life without a heart.

I told him, there was something that I couldn't keep from him. I couldn't let him go on like he did hurting so bad and not know. I didn't want to tell him. I really wanted to just tell him it was nothing and to just go. But something inside told me he HAD to know. He had to know that I went out and why. He looked to me with eyes filled of tears and I told him the night before I hadn't been with my friends.
"You were with a guy weren't you?"
"...Yes ..."
"I sort of figured that ... but I didn't want to ask."
*silence*
"Well you didn't have sex did you?"
"...................(I closed my eyes and tears fell across my face) I did ..."

His face went more flush than it had been already, his sensitive touch turned to anger. Pure raging anger. I at that point feared for my own life. I knew that he could rip me apart if he so wanted to. He had never yelled so loud or anger fully before. He went on about how could I cheat on him, how could my friends let me, WHAT was I thinking, WHY, How .... he had so many questions. He put his foot through some of my things, he stampeded into the living room and screamed louder at my sleeping friend, "SHE HAD SEX LAST NIGHT HOW COULD YOU LET HER!?" I came in sobbing "Please stop please it is my fault not his ... PLEASE" I couldn't breathe my heart was racing so fast, my head throbbed I thought I was going to be sick. He ran to the kitchen and hit his head on the fridge. I fell to my knees, "Please stop PLEASE .." I could barely get a word out. He finally went back to the bedroom. I went in and tried to give him a hug or calm him somehow ... he didn't want to touch me. He wanted answers. He told me I was tainted that I was horrible that I disgusted him. I threw away our relationship and almost let him walk out that day thinking he was the bad guy ... it made him madder and fueled the fire of hatred that he unleashed on me. He was insanely mad and couldn't take it. I finally got him to sit down with me and talk. He wanted answers and I really didn't have any that he would accept. It in all truthfulness was NOT cheating, but he believes that if you love someone to do anything with any one else is cheating. He was mad that I did it so fast. He was mad at Jo, he was mad at my friends, he was mad at me ... he was mad .. period. He wanted a reason to yell at everything.

I told him to stay till he knew what was going on so he wouldn't regret leaving in the middle of the whole situation. He then looked at me a little different. Watery eyed, sad, and hurt, but calm. It was like that eerie feeling you get when you walk outside after a natural disaster. The one where you are like, "What just happened?" He told me, "Come here". I walked over to him head hung low, and hurting inside. He picked me up and cradled me in his arms. He pulled me close to his face and held me. I felt a single tear run down his face. He told me, "I love you, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I waited for three years to have you and I am not going to let you go now. Not over this, I am not ready to spend my life alone and miserable. I want to stay if you will let me. Please let me stay." This statement, hurt and felt good at the same time. I cried more and I didn't know what to say. I was ready to let him walk but I didn't realize the amount of love that he had been hiding in his heart. I thought maybe it was the hurt talking more so than him. I hugged him and I laid there. He laid me down and held me. He rubbed on my head and shoulders. He wanted me. I was so confused. Do I go with my ex or Jo ... or do I start over? What do I do? How do I go about making a decision, I love him but is it best that we stay together with this situation in the way? Was he going to go back to his old self; was he going to gloat on this and use it against me? I had more questions than he did. And even less answers. He started asking more questions and I just cried I didn't know the answer. I felt dumb, unlovable and so many things at once it was as if there wasn't a feeling at all. He cuddled up with me and I just laid there wondering the answers to my mental questions.

All of a sudden it was like he had went from: Sad, Crying, Mad, Furious, Upset, Forgiving, to Lovey. He wanted to act like we were a new couple and just lie with me and talk of the future. It was like that first six month period when you are so caught up in romance that you notice nothing else. But it felt fake it felt forced. But I let him cope that way, if he needed to do that then I wasn't going to tell him to stop burying it in his heart. We went on the day acting like nothing happened. And finally ... he was rubbing my feet and looked at me and I saw everyone of those questions. I reached over and kissed him. He told me that my kisses didn't feel the same. That somehow they were painful. I cried. It hurt so much, just to think that someone that got so much pleasure from being with me couldn't kiss me or look at me without thinking about Jo. He tried to get me to stop crying. But I was dehydrated and started to lose consciousness. I was deflated inside, I was crushed flat it seemed. My stomach was empty I had cried out all my fluids. He tried to get me to drink but I didn't have the strength to drink through a straw. I rested for a short while and he knelled beside me and held the cup and told me to drink out of the straw. I didn't want to but I did. It helped a little to have some replenishment.

I went to sleep after the whole incident and slept for quite some time. But it seemed like I didn't sleep. I was still sick I couldn't eat. I just drank.

February 2, 2007

I woke up to the fist snow of the year, I drug him out of bed to the front door and got excited. I told him that has snowed just for my birthday. He hugged me and he was glad that it was a beautiful day for my birthday. I told him get dressed ... I wanted to have a snowball fight. As childish as it was I wanted a snowball fight. I just wanted to go out behind the apartments and run around and play. He smiled and laughed and got dressed and went along with it.

We got outside, it was terribly cold but we were bundled up a lot. And we ran to the best snow patch and threw snow everywhere. He fell over on the snow and we laughed. I took the chance to get a good snowball on him. He smiled and laughed and got me back. It got a bit nippy after about 10 minutes or more, so we decided to go back in before it wasn't fun anymore. I went back out to toss my kitten in the snow to see what she would do. She wasn't too incredibly happy. But she was okay and I brought her back in. She curled up in my lap anytime she got the chance that day. I figured she would be mad at me, but she wasn't :)

I told him I wanted today to be as free of the whole situation as possible. He was understanding. But it was still there. I was punishing myself all day in my mind. And everyone knew. They told me to stop but the mental anguish was too much. My friends came up and took me and him out for my birthday they wanted to take me to a nice restaurant but I told them to just take me somewhere fastfood like. I couldn't eat a lot and I didn't want to waste their money. We ended up at McDonald's and we had a good time. I was right I couldn't eat much before I got sick. My insides were still gone it felt like. But I was glad to be around friends on my birthday. I just wanted to laugh and I did finally.

When we got back, we went through the how question and answer scenario again. He wanted me to tell him every last detail of the incident. He wanted me to show him HOW it could happen. It was like I was reliving a nightmare. I just wanted to make it stop. I enjoyed myself that night and I didn't want to make it out to be something horrible. I tried not to cry but tears came, not so heavy as before but they came. I stopped finally and went to see my friends in the living room. They wanted to talk about everything but how do you when he is in the other room? We went to a store to get drinks and snacks and I told them everything that happened. They think we should end it. And I can't say that I disagree ... but I want to hard for everything to be okay between me and him. I wish that it could be rainbows and kittens ...

My birthday was good but, I had a lot of pain in my heart. The best thing I got was those laughs. They were the only filling thing I had that day. I was weak and light headed all day. When the day finally came to an end I just wanted to know what I wanted. I talked to Jo online and I told him how things had went so far, but I also told him that me and my ex had split. I lied ... and I wanted to take it back but IF I were to continue to talk to Jo then he would have to think that. I didn't want to decide he was the one and have lost him. But I knew I should have told the truth. It was wrong to say what I did. I am just afraid that I will go the wrong direction and not be able to go back. It is hard for me to understand how to make a justified and proper decision. I feel like I will be biased. What do I do? Do I call a year of love quits and go on to another relationship ....? Do I mend it and always wonder what could have been IF things go wrong again? Or is there and option I am not weighing out!?

I just don't know anymore. I really don't, I am lost. I want an answer and I want the right one.

To be Continued .... again