Beginnings

Life has been hard for me. I have had a little more of a roller coaster than most people. Or so it seems. My stories of regular life shock people, they make them feel bad for me. But why? I am just a normal person. Aren't I? Am I so different from my experiences? I guess so. I would start at the beginning of this story but it makes it more interesting to hear the "here and now" doesn't it? And then slowly step back into some incidents from before. So lets dive in ... lets see what is SO different about me.

(I am going to rewind a few days but I'll try to put dates, for what I know dates to)

January 31, 2007

The last day of the month has come and would past, and a new month would soon bloom. I am at my home with my are my significant other (of a year as of the fourth (4th)) and a close friend who has been staying on my couch. I am asleep, it is 11:00 am. I get woke up by his calls that his car is broke down it is over heating he had to come back home because it won't make it to work. I told him okay, well we have to find away to get the car running or him to work. He is upset and cold, I tell him to sit with me and tell me what the car was doing. Overheating, bad overheating. I knew it was the thermostat or that fact that he always forgot to change his radiator fluid and it was all water pretty much. I told him, call work, then go and change the fluid I would help.
"The cap that drains it won't come off," ...
"Ok, then we will take the lower hose off to drain and flush it and then put it back on and refill it."
"Well I don't really know how to do that and I don't have the tools,"
"Ok then we'll take it to a mechanic, grab the phonebook,"
"I don't have the money"
"Fine, I'll give you my bus pass the next bus should be running in about 20 minutes .. take it to the station then grab the number 4 and get to work. Just make sure to call and tell work so they don't fire you."
"Well, they won't do that I put in my two weeks notice already and I leave on the 8th. And no I am not going to take the bus. I need a nap let me get a nap for an hour"
"No, you need to call a mechanic and tell then you will be in, in an hour and what you need done."
This conversation continues on for another ten minutes. He didn't grab the phone book and I insisted on the bus. But he finds himself too good for public transportation. This is where I will pick up a little more of the conversation that leads to the reason for this whole blog.
"Honey, get up at least call someone ... see if anyone at work can get you!"
"NO, I am SICK OF YOU tell ME what to DO! Just SHUT THE F*** UP and leave me ALONE!"
"Calm down, I am trying to save you from losing your job early. God knows we can't afford for that. I work part time and can barely pay my half. We live on you ... you have to understand. You NEED to go to work. Please just call a place then nap ..."
"NO leave me ALONE! Get out of my face get away from me I am sick of you being like this, all you do is b**** and complain"
"Then get out of my bed, I own everything in this house except your clothes and your computer. I am trying to save us. What are you trying to do! Huh what!? Tell me ... you have me listening and you have me pissed off ... what do you want me to do or say! Tell me, speak up loud and clear. I am tired of trying to patch things and be the "housewife" when all you want to do is play games and sleep. You act like a child. I offer you a way to work that is free of charge and pretty reliable for what it is and you won't go. I try to get you to call a mechanic so you can get to work, but no you yell and scream at me. Did I mess up your car!? Wasn't I the one that told you what was wrong with it!?"
"SHUT THE F*** UP!"
"Fine ... go to sleep. Go ... get in the floor with your measly little blanket and your flat little pillows and lay there. You wouldn't be so tired if you wouldn't stay up till it was time to leave for work , online playing a MMORPG. But I don't complain I let you do your own thing. Because you are three years older and "smarter" and you "can do that type of thing fine" ... look at you! Your sitting there huddled in the floor like a baby. Is that what this relationship is about? You getting everything you want your way then me cleaning up, cooking and taking care of the house on top of school and work? Let I remind you, that I get no credit for that. I do nothing because I only work 30 hours a week, and come home and cook for you every D*** night! I take care of you. All I expect from you is love, respect and for you to take care of the rest of the financial situation. You don't do but one of those and I sometimes wonder if you DO love me."
*silence*
"Come on speak up, be the man of the house that you so claim that you are"
"IT IS OVER!?"
"What is over"
"Us we are over, it is done."
"Ok ...."

So, yeah I pushed it on myself. But in the past months he had spent over 11 hours a day online playing games. He complained if I ask him to bring his dishes from the room to the kitchen. He YELLED at me if I asked what he was up to when I was on my lunch break. He told me the day before that I was useless, that I was only for sex that I wasn't even a good girlfriend. Then turned around and "was joking" after I cried. He put me through a lot and he abused me on occasion. Nothing too bad, but I had bruises on occasion and I threatened to leave, but I always found a reason to stay.

In the year of our relationship, he or I had never "broke up" or ended the relationship in anyway. We would fight and we knew that it would pass. Not once did "Its over" come out of either of our mouths. It wasn't a known part of out vocabulary till now.

Hurt I left the room and went to speak to my friend sleeping on the couch. What should I do? It is over, he is serious. I want to get out of here I need a change of scenery I need to find out what is wrong with me. This is the type of thing that had come out of my mouth. I was devastated, and hurt. I didn't want to cry though. I had been through an almost 2 year relationship before this and it ended badly and I cried myself to sleep for a long time. I just didn't want that again. I wanted to be strong, and accept his decision. I didn't want to be a weak girl that had her heart broke again. But I wanted to bad to just cry and ask why. I didn't ... I got all fixed up, I looked the best that I had in almost two years. I showed myself I really could be the fox I used to be. I had just let the make up be plain Jane, let me outfits be a little conservative and my personality turned down. I went out in 4 inch heels, a micro mini, a pink sweater and I looked amazing. I really couldn't believe it was me when I looked in the mirror. But where would I go ...? I made a call to a guy I know, (names are all changed) Jo, he was almost entirely different from my last relationship. He was tall, athletic, dark, handsome, he has had the same job for over 8 years, he owns his own home, he was only 26 and has everything that he needs. Except for a girl. He and his ex had split in August and he just couldn't find the girl he wanted. He wanted someone that cooks, cleans, is beautiful, intelligent, funny, and likes to go out with him. He wanted me, I could tell. So I called him up.

I asked him if he wanted to go out and shoot some pool at a little place up near my apartment. He told me sure, that sounded great that he'd be over in 45 minutes. I live in a larger city and he lives close to my old home. So I waited and when he got here I went with him. I thought it would be best for me to leave. My now ex said he would be leaving and I couldn't bare to see him leave. It killed me to have to watch another person walk out on me. I wanted the impact to be less significant. We couldn't find the pool place, but we went back near him home and went and saw a movie (Smoking Aces ... pretty good movie). Jo was very respectful of me ... he didn't try to kiss me, he didn't hold me hand, he just put his arm around me and was content watching the movie. I was happy that everything seemed to be ok. My phone was out of service because it didn't get reception and that felt good. No one could reach me unless they called him. And of course ... they did.

My friends called looking for me telling me new ex wanted to talk to me that he was looking for me. That he had some things to say before he left. I told them I didn't want to hear it. I told them he had made the break and I wanted it to be clean. I wanted it to end and him to take his things and just go. When I came home I would deal with the damage. They tried to talk me into coming home but I am stubborn and told them no, he wasn't going to have everything his way anymore. I told them if anything was happening of importance to text Jo and he would tell me. I went on a little stressed out and I told Jo what was going on. I found it SO surprising that he was as calm as he was. he told me that anytime I needed to go home he would take me. That he would be worried about his home too and that he would come with me if I really needed it. I could tell he had been through it too. It was comforting to know that he wasn't a jerk that would be like "I can't deal with this." I really respect him a lot for that. It helped my heart more than anything.

The movie ended and he asked if I wanted to go home. I told him I didn't want to be there with my ex. I wanted to be as far away as possible. It was late by this point and he asked where I wanted to go. I asked if his place was ok. He told me that was fine, he sort of hoped I would come home with him and keep him company. So we headed to his home. I had never been there. When we got to the driveway, I saw it. It was beautiful. A two story home sitting on some acreage and it was beautiful. He parked the truck and I got out and walked up to the house with him. When he opened the door it just felt right. I really liked his place. It wasn't a bachelor's pad, it was a classically decorated, very nice home. The kitchen was exceptionally nice, like everything it seemed homely. It was my style really.

He turned on the television in the living room and we sat down and watched the news since nothing else was on. It was that time when the late shows were about to come on and everything else was crap. So I started rubbing his back. I am known well for my back massages and I could tell his back hadn't been feeling well. He told me that it felt amazing. He had on a hoody and went to put on a regular shirt. He came back and I was curled up under a blanket on the couch. He told me he would get a massage out of me some way. I told him that was fine I'd give him a massage. I asked if he wanted me to sit up and have him lay down in here or if he wanted to lay in his bed and get a massage. He told me whichever so we went to his bedroom and I started giving him a massage. He almost fell asleep. So I laid down and watched on there. The late night shows were finally on. He rolled back over and we started watching. He leaned over and gave me a little kiss on my lips. Which then turned into us heavily making out. (apparently my kisses has the tendency to do that). He started kissing on my neck and I went for his which I find is one of his spots. It got a little heated up and we ended up having sex. (protected). I had only been with 2 people before him and I felt horrible for giving it up so easily when the other waited so long. But I felt like it was okay for me to do it. I don't know if he just relaxed and comforted me or if I was just crazy. Afterward, he laid down with me and held me more. We talked and laughed at the shows. He enjoyed embracing me and I could tell by the feeling he gave off. I really enjoyed myself. It helped me try to cope with the other situation that was going on.

Then

He got a text, "Have her call me" from my friend who had called before. He handed me his phone, it already was dialing... he knew I didn't want to call. My friend picked up, and told me that my ex wanted to talk to me before he left. I told her no. He could go I didn't want to talk. He refused to leave till he saw me again. So I knew he was staying the whole night. I dreaded going home in the morning. He thought I was out with another friend.


February 1, 2007

I went to sleep that night in the arms of another man and woke up the same way. He never let me go as I nuzzled into his chest. He woke me up with a smile and asked if I slept okay. I told him yes and asked him if he did. He told me yea he did. And asked when I needed to be home. I told him 10. It was 8:30. We laid around and watched the news. It had snowed a little, and schools were closed for snow days all around. I didn't want to get out of bed cause I knew it would be nippy. We laid around for a while he and I chatted a little. I could tell neither of us really wanted to leave. But he finally looked at the clock and told me that he wasn't going to push me but it was 9:45. That I could stay as long as I wanted but if I wanted to leave at 10 I should probably get my clothes on. I smiled and told him if he wanted to drive me home then he would have to get his clothes on too. He smirked and kissed me. I got up and told him he was right I should get dressed or I would never leave. I don't think he would have minded really but I knew I had things to deal with.

On the way home we had a lot of talk, and it seemed like we were planning things to do later. He asked if I would ride with him on his street bike when spring rolled around. I told him yea I would. And we wanted to go to my parents farm and go four-wheeling on the creek. We talked about the "next time" I came over. And when he would come to stay at my apartment. It was great. We laughed and talked about our childhoods a little. It felt good. The ride was enjoyable and the experience I had was wonderful. He dropped me off and offered to take me in but I told him I didn't know where my ex was or what he would do and I didn't want to start anything. He gave me a kiss and a hug and waited to make sure I got to the door before he pulled off. It felt nice.

I walked in the door. And he was in the bedroom.

To be continued .....