Me and Pete have had a long and bumpy road. I mean BUMPY! He is still such a genuine sweetheart, but he has independence issues like no OTHER! I will have to break out my time line and show how many days he would just disappear and not talk to anyone for a week or so. Then out of no where want to talk to you. And not to mention we went through a terrifying incident that I am not very proud of, and I am not very excited about. But even after that we still are together, and his body just keeps getting better ... but I do not know if we are getting worse or better. I feel a lot of things are missing from him. IT hurts a lot to have SUCH a casual relationship.
Ed and I have remained friends. He has not wanted a relationship but when he has come to see me he demands sex or just takes it pretty much. So we are in an awkward phase.
Keith is back in the picture. Even though I loathe him we have now forged a VERY odd friendship. He has owned up to using me like all roughly 115 girls he has been with in the past 4 years. He can talk to me about all the things that are going on and we just laugh. One night we even slept together, not sexually but actually just cuddled up. It is ... interesting to say the least.
Charles, has been an udder ass to me. In every respect of the word he has became this total moral "judge" he seems to think he still knows me and that I am the same. He thinks a LOT and for the most part in vain. I try to ignore him as MUCH as possible. HE really has not been very active in my life since my last update. Just more pissing me off on the Internet.
OK .... well we have some new characters now ...
Ruth - My roommate / co-worker that asked me to move in with her. She is the one roommate I do like. She is going to Australia for 3 weeks starting today. I will develop her more later.
Yah - My male roommate, not too bad of a fellow. But as we roll through we find he is absolutely insane and has this religion-ish belief that he is above human. And he has converted his girlfriend, my other roommate. Very funny guy, but also very odd ... very slobbish and not too quick on things. Came from California.
Kat - My female roommate, and Yah's girlfriend. Bi-polar, ex-catholic, poet, Spanish minor, gullible and odd! She has no sense of how to clean, she has no sense of how to do anything on her own. She is attached to Yah's ASS and she believe that she too is above mortality. I will explain their "religion" later. But of course I do not "know" about it ... I found out through Ruth who they believe to be one of "them".
Coleman - Ruth's ex that I have played a dirty dirty trick on. I have also went a little too far with him. He is a very important new character, he is a friend of Kat's for 5 years, blames Yah for her changing, and is still in love with Ruth. He also is heavily Anglican, but very contradictory. This is a COMPLEX character. And will be a long entry to explain my and his "relationship" to one another. But it is by far one of the most interesting entries I will have.
Roy - A University Professor, 27 years old, very handsome extremely well educated. I have been after him since we started talking and we finally met. He is a well mannered, humorous, down to earth person ... and if I can snag him I could probably settle down with him. Me and him really just feel "right" when we are together. We have never even hugged but I feel attached to him very much. He is a friend and a workout companion at the moment.
...... I am sure there are more BUT I will leave it here. This is the MAIN line up there will obviously be other people in play, but I do not feel like finding the information I need to find them ALL. Nor do I want to type it all right this moment.Enjoy!
Monday, June 25, 2007
Long time no post
WOW, the things that have happened in my absence. I am just trying to organize it all and see where to start.
Right at the moment, I am in a new place. Really nice 1500 sq. place, 3 new roommates ... going to kill 2 of them. Just got laid off on the 11th, it really sucks. The roommate I do like is going to Australia later today, and I am going to try and evict the others or make them wish they were dead. Fun TIMES!
I must say my life is now a tangled web. A VERY tangled web. I am going to try and organize a calender and then start reporting back a story at a time to keep you up to date. This story involves a lot, and a lot of things that bring ethics into play. They REALLY bring ethics and morals into play.
Right at the moment, I am in a new place. Really nice 1500 sq. place, 3 new roommates ... going to kill 2 of them. Just got laid off on the 11th, it really sucks. The roommate I do like is going to Australia later today, and I am going to try and evict the others or make them wish they were dead. Fun TIMES!
I must say my life is now a tangled web. A VERY tangled web. I am going to try and organize a calender and then start reporting back a story at a time to keep you up to date. This story involves a lot, and a lot of things that bring ethics into play. They REALLY bring ethics and morals into play.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Shew, What is Up with Me!?
Ok, it has been a while since I updated this blog. I feel like I am a horrid person! I really do. I have been so good about not being a sexual person all my life. Even though I have the "sex" look that I am infamous for. And all of a sudden this year I am like, "sex sex sex .... sex" ! What the hell is wrong with me!? I have been with more people since February this year till now than people I had been with from the time I lost my virginity. Ok let me get into the story I guess.
After Ed, I started talking to another guy we will call Pete. Now we had talked before and never really hung out or anything. But I had talked to him since like January almost. So, one night me and a friend decide it is time for me to go to my first strip club and get out of this slump. Problem is he is gay and I am a straight female, so we need a third person who actually wants to look at naked girls. So that we do not feel awkward being there. So we call Ed, he doesn't answer. We call a friend of his, can't make it has class at 10 am the next morning. I get on and see Pete is on and I just straight up ask. He was taken back at first, and was like sure. Why not!? So I told him we were heading down there at Midnight, and that we would meet him out front cause I have free passes and I had an extra. Ok we go and we have a great time. Me and him hit it off and he loves my friend. They are now like new buddies! haha. I really like Pete, he is very genuine, very caring, very honest, just one of the good guys all around. I have known that but he really was. My friend even picked up on it. He is 27, 6'3" ... BEAUTIFUL eyes and omg he is built like a god. His arms, pecks, and back wow ... really huge turn on!
So we are at the club for a few hours and decide to go out to the car and do some shots of Vodka, me and my buddy brought some Vodka with us in the car. Even thought we are 18 and 19 (me being the older) lol. Yeah I know illegal and not smart. Whatever, it happened ok!?
Pete seems to be having a good time and all of us were really. So at 3:30 or so I asked him if he wanted to come back to my place with me and my friend and hang out, watch movies, drink some more. He agreed and we all left. I rode with Pete to get him back to my place. Nothing happened we just chatted and he said he was glad to have met my buddy cause he loved diversity and he loves his disposition on things. That he being gay came to a strip club, and got a couch dance, and wants to come back for his birthday. It was just fun to him. He really got major brownie points from me for being so open and happy to have met my friend. Ok we are going to call my friend Brad, I am sick of him not having a name. lol
I gave Brad my keys and told him meet me back at the apartment that Pete and I need OJ and Red Bull for Screw Drivers and Jagger Bombs. Brad goes on ahead of us and when we get there he already has broke out the Tequila. We sit around till almost 7 am and finally Pete asks, "Do you mind if I sleep here, I am wasted and don't wanna drive home" I told him I figured he was staying anyway. So he goes and jumps in my bed and starts to go to sleep. Brad stays on my couch and I go to bed with Pete. He is totally wasted, by the way. We had kissed earlier when he stepped outside to smoke. So he and I are in bed, and he asks if he could rub my back and I told him that he could if he liked and I rolled over. He starts rubbing my back and starts to tickle my sides and hit spots on me, then his hand wonders to my pants and up my shirt. Before I know it we are having sex like animals. This was some INTENSE sex. Insane! So yeah, after the 7th or 8th time that we have sex that night I pretty much pass out and so does he. We were cuddled up panting. Brad comes in in the morning and thanks us for the wonderful noises that we forced upon his ears that night. Both of us laugh and he leaves to go shopping. So round 2 happens. And Brad gets back in time to hear some more. HE comes in and is like, GD you two do not quit! We both just laugh cause we are laying naked only our bottom halves covered.
Pete has to get to work so he leaves shortly after all this. And he tells me that he can't wait to see me again that he really likes me. That night he also made illusion to seeing me a lot more. So I was satisfied with that. I called him that night and he was happy to hear from me.
OK next day!
So I have an interview at 5:30, got the job gotta get the piss test. And I call him to tell him about it. I have a horrible incident with the local bus routes and get stranded for almost 2 hours and when I finally made it to the Transit Center my bus wasn't there. So he says that he wants to come get me. I told him that he didn't need to I'd wait it out. He told me it wasn't a problem to just let him take me home that I had been out in the rain and cold too much I was going to get hypothermia. So I agreed, because I really wanted to see him again and I was freezing.
We get back to my place and I told him he was welcome to come in and hang out that I didn't want to run him off after he picked me up. So he comes in and I made dinner for me, he had already ate. And we watch a movie. After the movie we are in my living room floor and just start getting passionate. He started kissing me and had been rubbing my sides the whole movie. Needless to say we ended up naked in the floor and I was for sure we were about to have sex. He looks me in the eyes and tells me that I should feel special. I look at him sort of funny cause I do not understand, he goes down on me. And honestly, he got done and thought he was just okay. Really, that was the most amazing oral I have ever received. I was floored that I was only the 3rd person and about the 15th time he has ever done that. He told me he just didn't do it a lot unless he really liked someone so he felt like he wasn't too good. I told him that I did not arch up into basically a back bend and have my eyes roll up into my head for anyone. One person has almost put me in that position and they loved giving oral, everyone else barely got a reaction. He was really shocked that he was that good. I was shocked to be honest. I didn't expect it out of him, but I am very very glad about it! haha
So he seems to me like a good guy. I think that maybe we could be something good. But I'll just have to see.
After Ed, I started talking to another guy we will call Pete. Now we had talked before and never really hung out or anything. But I had talked to him since like January almost. So, one night me and a friend decide it is time for me to go to my first strip club and get out of this slump. Problem is he is gay and I am a straight female, so we need a third person who actually wants to look at naked girls. So that we do not feel awkward being there. So we call Ed, he doesn't answer. We call a friend of his, can't make it has class at 10 am the next morning. I get on and see Pete is on and I just straight up ask. He was taken back at first, and was like sure. Why not!? So I told him we were heading down there at Midnight, and that we would meet him out front cause I have free passes and I had an extra. Ok we go and we have a great time. Me and him hit it off and he loves my friend. They are now like new buddies! haha. I really like Pete, he is very genuine, very caring, very honest, just one of the good guys all around. I have known that but he really was. My friend even picked up on it. He is 27, 6'3" ... BEAUTIFUL eyes and omg he is built like a god. His arms, pecks, and back wow ... really huge turn on!
So we are at the club for a few hours and decide to go out to the car and do some shots of Vodka, me and my buddy brought some Vodka with us in the car. Even thought we are 18 and 19 (me being the older) lol. Yeah I know illegal and not smart. Whatever, it happened ok!?
Pete seems to be having a good time and all of us were really. So at 3:30 or so I asked him if he wanted to come back to my place with me and my friend and hang out, watch movies, drink some more. He agreed and we all left. I rode with Pete to get him back to my place. Nothing happened we just chatted and he said he was glad to have met my buddy cause he loved diversity and he loves his disposition on things. That he being gay came to a strip club, and got a couch dance, and wants to come back for his birthday. It was just fun to him. He really got major brownie points from me for being so open and happy to have met my friend. Ok we are going to call my friend Brad, I am sick of him not having a name. lol
I gave Brad my keys and told him meet me back at the apartment that Pete and I need OJ and Red Bull for Screw Drivers and Jagger Bombs. Brad goes on ahead of us and when we get there he already has broke out the Tequila. We sit around till almost 7 am and finally Pete asks, "Do you mind if I sleep here, I am wasted and don't wanna drive home" I told him I figured he was staying anyway. So he goes and jumps in my bed and starts to go to sleep. Brad stays on my couch and I go to bed with Pete. He is totally wasted, by the way. We had kissed earlier when he stepped outside to smoke. So he and I are in bed, and he asks if he could rub my back and I told him that he could if he liked and I rolled over. He starts rubbing my back and starts to tickle my sides and hit spots on me, then his hand wonders to my pants and up my shirt. Before I know it we are having sex like animals. This was some INTENSE sex. Insane! So yeah, after the 7th or 8th time that we have sex that night I pretty much pass out and so does he. We were cuddled up panting. Brad comes in in the morning and thanks us for the wonderful noises that we forced upon his ears that night. Both of us laugh and he leaves to go shopping. So round 2 happens. And Brad gets back in time to hear some more. HE comes in and is like, GD you two do not quit! We both just laugh cause we are laying naked only our bottom halves covered.
Pete has to get to work so he leaves shortly after all this. And he tells me that he can't wait to see me again that he really likes me. That night he also made illusion to seeing me a lot more. So I was satisfied with that. I called him that night and he was happy to hear from me.
OK next day!
So I have an interview at 5:30, got the job gotta get the piss test. And I call him to tell him about it. I have a horrible incident with the local bus routes and get stranded for almost 2 hours and when I finally made it to the Transit Center my bus wasn't there. So he says that he wants to come get me. I told him that he didn't need to I'd wait it out. He told me it wasn't a problem to just let him take me home that I had been out in the rain and cold too much I was going to get hypothermia. So I agreed, because I really wanted to see him again and I was freezing.
We get back to my place and I told him he was welcome to come in and hang out that I didn't want to run him off after he picked me up. So he comes in and I made dinner for me, he had already ate. And we watch a movie. After the movie we are in my living room floor and just start getting passionate. He started kissing me and had been rubbing my sides the whole movie. Needless to say we ended up naked in the floor and I was for sure we were about to have sex. He looks me in the eyes and tells me that I should feel special. I look at him sort of funny cause I do not understand, he goes down on me. And honestly, he got done and thought he was just okay. Really, that was the most amazing oral I have ever received. I was floored that I was only the 3rd person and about the 15th time he has ever done that. He told me he just didn't do it a lot unless he really liked someone so he felt like he wasn't too good. I told him that I did not arch up into basically a back bend and have my eyes roll up into my head for anyone. One person has almost put me in that position and they loved giving oral, everyone else barely got a reaction. He was really shocked that he was that good. I was shocked to be honest. I didn't expect it out of him, but I am very very glad about it! haha
So he seems to me like a good guy. I think that maybe we could be something good. But I'll just have to see.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
As the Days Go By
I have been so confused lately. I want to think that Ed will come back and that we will be okay but I just have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I feel like he was happy once before and found a greater feeling, now he has to question if he is really feeling that much and if he is if it is the best feeling there is. And I know if he went out even on a short date he would realize that well they aren't going to make him as happy. But I also wonder IF he wants to be happy. I do not think he is wanting to let himself feel so much happiness, like he will forget something else if he is. It is so weird, I just wonder if he wants to settle for less and let me go just because he doesn't believe he deserves me or something.
Yesterday I told him that I wanted him to come up here and see me. He told me he wanted to see me but did not know if it would be best for him to come up here. He did not want to mislead me or anything and I told him I know where we stand. That I would restrain from being all over him that I just wanted the opportunity to see him. He never came last night. He never called ... he never got online. It hurt a lot. But I knew that he was trying to make himself distance himself from me. Like it will hurt less for him to do that.
It is sad now all I want to do is sit down and tell him in person how I feel. And I just keep feeling like he is trying to believe he doesn't care as much as he does. What do I do? Do I sit here and want to call him, do I walk 30 miles to his house, do I just sit here and think!? What !? I do not get it, why can't I just know that he still DOES without a doubt in my mind want to be with me?! That would give me hope, but as it is right now ... I feel like he wants to find an answer and then just leave me in the dust. Is that weird for me to think? That he does not want to be as happy? That he still wants to have that level of emotion that he had with his ex fiance? Help me out readers ... tell me what you all think.
Yesterday I told him that I wanted him to come up here and see me. He told me he wanted to see me but did not know if it would be best for him to come up here. He did not want to mislead me or anything and I told him I know where we stand. That I would restrain from being all over him that I just wanted the opportunity to see him. He never came last night. He never called ... he never got online. It hurt a lot. But I knew that he was trying to make himself distance himself from me. Like it will hurt less for him to do that.
It is sad now all I want to do is sit down and tell him in person how I feel. And I just keep feeling like he is trying to believe he doesn't care as much as he does. What do I do? Do I sit here and want to call him, do I walk 30 miles to his house, do I just sit here and think!? What !? I do not get it, why can't I just know that he still DOES without a doubt in my mind want to be with me?! That would give me hope, but as it is right now ... I feel like he wants to find an answer and then just leave me in the dust. Is that weird for me to think? That he does not want to be as happy? That he still wants to have that level of emotion that he had with his ex fiance? Help me out readers ... tell me what you all think.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
The Actual Break Up
I figure I should probably at least shed some more light on what happened between me and Ed.
There is a lot of conversation I am going to cut out and just put in "......"'s to show the breaks. Bare with me. It is still going to be ridiculously long.
*************************************
Ed had been telling me he had been trying to get a hold of me all day and couldn't.
(WARNING: This is not spell checked, etc. The names were changed that was it. We both can spell and all but this in an intense conversation. He was at work and I was at home. So the spelling and all the grammar is not exactly there. It was typed as we thought and that is how I left it. So ignore all the mistakes that you can.)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Ed:: hey i have been trying to get ahold of you all day to talk to you about this so i have come to this conclusion its nothing against you but i have done alot of soul searching and found that i am not ready to be in a relationship at this point in time i am really sorry that it has come to me telling you in an email but i have called on every break but to no avail. once again im really sorry you are a great person and i would love for us to remain friends at least for the time being.
sorry
ed
ME: Why?
Ed: i just explained it to you sweetie
ME: I don't get why you aren't ready ?
Ed: i do love you but i cant do it right now i have to get past my demons before i can do this
ME: I guess I just do not understand. But I'll be here to talk whenever you need it.
Ed: i want to still be friends
Ed: i just cnat do it right now
Ed: im so sorry i didnt want it to be like this
ME: That is fine. I do not think I can chat much ... different reason.
ME: Then why did it !?
ME: Sorry
ME: I'm hurting a lot right now.
ME: You just ripped my soul out of my backbone. I just lost my dream job, trying my hardest ... and I got that call from Charlie and I was okay, I smoked an entire pack of Swisher Cigs last night, and I calmed down finally. Got a lot of rest that I needed to wake up to this.
Ed: THANKS
ME: Sorry
Ed: no
ME: I am honest
ME: I am telling you what I think
Ed: talk to me when you can be civil i feel aweful doing this and then you pull that
ME: Ed.
ME: I am being civil. I am just hurt.
ME: Ok, I'll stop typing as I think because I am sure that does not help.
ME: I need to understand why it is you stepped into a relationship, then decided it not to be the best thing. I honestly cannot fathom that.
ME: What is it that made this decision?
.............................................
ME: I am not trying to be rude by saying this or uncivil, but it hurts more than anything to know you stood here telling people that I was something special.
.............................................
ME: Sorry for being bitter, mad and hurt. What would you do if you woke up this morning and your relationship was assimilated? I got on myspace ... single, facebook single, pof looking .... all before I even got the message. I was a lil pissed at that. Not going to lie.
ME: I understand it now that I have breathed and thought
ME: I'm sorry for acting rashly ...
ME: It was wrong of me to just type something and send it even though I was hurt,
Ed: its ok
Ed: just try to look at it from my point of view
Ed: its been like 6 months since i got out of a 3 year relationship
ME: So is this over her?
ME: Honestly?
Ed: no its over me not being able to cope
ME: I am not sure I get what you are saying.
Ed: ok i thought i was ready but i still feel as if im doing something i shouldntwhen i am with another girl alright
Ed: simply put
ME: Wow. Umm ok.
ME: Never thought I would be thought of as something someone shouldn't do. But that is a new perspective.
Ed: you want honesty
ME: I do
ME: I am just sort of jolted
ME: by that
Ed: there ya go
Ed: ya guys have a concience well at least some
ME: Well, I appreciate your honesty. I am just saying I have never been seen in that light.
Ed: what do you mean
ME: Tell me something. Was I insane when I remember you looking me in the eyes saying you have fallen in love, to have felt it too? Seriously ... should I have just told myself no?
ME: I have never been with someone and them tell me they felt wrong being with me.
ME: That is what I am saying
Ed: OMG
Ed: goodbye
ME: Please no ..
Ed: no
ME: Ed no no listen
ME: I am being serious
Ed: no im done when you called me a liar
Ed: that was it
ME: No you did not lie to me at all
Ed: call me anything but a bitch and a liar
ME: I want to know if I should have told myself to wait
ME: Ed you have never lied to me
ME: I know you have not
ME: I know you love me ... I see it but I want to know if I should have restrained
ME: If I was calling you a liar I would tell you straight out
ME: Do not contort my words.
Ed: do not come at me in that manner trust me you dont want to
Ed: i want us to remain friends and hopefully in time work past this
Ed: but i will not be talked down upon
ME: You aren't
ME: You are an equal
ME: Ok I need to find a way to reword that
ME: I have completely thrown the wrong message at you
ME: I'll have to think of how to reword it. I cannot think of it now. The wheels are turning but nothing is happening.
ME: I am not trying to sound better, higher, anything. I would not call you a liar unless I believed it. You are very honest, and I appreciate that. I just want to know what I should have done if there was something on my part that could have helped You.
Ed: no
Ed: it was that way with my child to be's mother
Ed: not just you
Ed: i dont know what the hell it is
Ed: i guess i never got closure
Ed: i dont know
ME: I undersatand that. I had that once. It took me from March 2005 till February 4, 2006 to find a way.
ME: Now I have closure on that relationship
Ed: i still dont
ME: I understand that. You need to figure out in your heart what it is that you still do not understand, and you need to find your answer to it.
ME: That sounds weird but it is what works
Ed: ya
ME: There is an answer in YOU for closure. She can never give you anything but more questions.
ME: You have that answer. Find it.
ME: That is all I can say on it
Ed: yep
ME: I did not want to find it for so long
ME: But I did.
Ed: i dont know if i want to find it
ME: Wow, I know that feeling. You will never want to find it and end it. But you will never forget what happened and what your answer is. It will make you feel whole again. There is a piece of you that is not completing yourself. You need it to fully love again.
ME: You have to find what it is you want, and then you will find that answer
ME: It may just find you.
ME: I hid it from myself
ME: For so long
ME: I found closure with Charlie quickly because I knew what my answer was. I knew that he was not for me. That even though he wanted me to be his wife, and that I would love to be married and stable that it was not with him. That he needed to go, he needed to live more. his dreams had to be broken to have a better life. he still lived in the fantasy that the first person he loved would be his forever.
ME: And I was that person. It is hard to be the one breaking another's dreams.
Ed: i know it is
Ed: mine was the ones broken
ME: Mine had been. Ed, I'm telling you right now as a friend that loves you more than you will ever understand. You had to have that dream broken. HAD to, not because it was better for you. Not because it was better for her. Not because you weren't meant to be. Because you need the strength to go into this world knowing dreams are .... not reality. They are a dream and that life goes on no matter what happens. You have to know why you wake up in the morning, what drives you to be the best that is you. You have to know what your destiny is.
ME: Anyone that lives there dream is missing out on a whole level of understanding ... they will never know the happiness of themselves.
ME: But that is my answer to things. You may disagree
ME: I hope that you have it in yourself to find an answer. You have a child on the way, it is going to be a beautiful being that will have hopes and dreams and needs someone with a full heart and with a full self, to be strong and be there. A child is innocence, reborn and you are going to have to be there, and know who you are to raise them right.
ME: You are not the only person to benefit from you finding an answer.
Ed: i konw i do i think it will complete me again
ME: That child won't complete you, you can complete you.
ME: You may work toward completing yourself for that child but it is in essence another entity. And no one else can put that piece of your puzzle back in your heart.
ME: I do not want you to be a dad like mine, love one minute, disgust another, I know you won't be. but my dad never found an answer to his divorce.
He hurt a lot from not getting to see his son till he was 7. And when he saw me he loved me because I was his, but hated me because I was an accident, he named me My Rose ... because he cherished me, but he had a split mind. He did not know who he was anymore and he thought he was being loving to me when he was hurting me when he was trying to find that answer. I know in my heart he never meant to hurt me, mom maybe ... he wanted the best for me but it was hell for me because he wanted something full on then he wanted something else.
ME: Sort of like when I look you in the eyes and I feel like you and I have dated for years and loved for a lifetime. But then this happens. It shows Ed, to everyone.
ME: I know you will be one of the most wonderful loving father's in the world. And that you will give that child everything. But you need to find yourself some closure before he or she is born. They were born out of a relationship you could not handle because of this answer. Do not let it come into this world with that question still pending.
Ed: thanks
ME: I want to see you be the best person you can be Ed. I know that piece is within your grasp. If you will let yourself find a reason to get it.
Ed: im working on it trust me
ME: I know it is because when I see you and when you kiss me or even hold my hand I know that you have a lot of love to give and what I have felt is still not all of it.
Ed: what do you mena
Me: I am more intelligent than you think Ed. I can read the heart a lot better than you think. I know that you love with all your heart, but I look at you and I feel you and know that there is something else in you. I have never felt so much emotion and love, but when I close my eyes and take it in, there is one piece missing. The dedication to keep that emotion flowing. You put a damper on yourself around me sometimes.
ME: And it is because that one piece.
ME: You can never have a long term relationship again till you can love as hard as you can all the time.
Ed: starting to notice this
ME: You did the night we met. The night you came up here and made love to me, you did ... until you asked me "Did we just go from having sex to making love". I think you scared yourself. You weren't ready to do that. I think you are, you just do not want to get hurt again. Let me tell you ... the moment you hesitate is the moment that you mess things up. It would be like riding a wheelie and stopping the gas after you get the tire fully up. What is going to happen? You are going to crash.
ME: You caught yourself off guard. You let a wall down that you were afraid for someone to fill.
Ed: tru
ME: Never be afraid to let someone fill your heart with joy, with love, with themself
ME: Find that piece, and tell yourself you are not afraid to love and lose again.
ME: You won't ever lose again if you can do it.
Ed: i know
ME: I don't know if what I am saying is of any help but I hope maybe it is. If you can hear me out and think about it then you have accepted that you need to move on it. You are like me you do not listen to just anyone or hear just anything. If it strikes a cord then you listen, I hope I have. Then at least I know I made a difference to one person in my life.
ME: You know but you are not accepting it.
ME: Like I knew I needed to let my past go
ME: I finally did
ME: I can tell Dad anything now. I do. I called him at work and told him my passion now.
ME: I have never sat down and talked to him about me.
ME: The most passion he has ever seen out of me was the day he put a gun to my 2 puppy's heads and killed them. Then told me he was sorry.
ME: That was nothing compared to the passion I have.
ME: I am not afraid to tell him when I screw up now. I don;t care what he thinks.
ME: You need to find you Ed.
Ed: i know i knwo
ME: You have to find what is stopping you. I know what it is, it should tell you something. The moment you hesitated was the thing you are scared of.
ME: That is where you need to look
ME: I'm here for you Ed. I hope in my heart you will not date someone else till you answer what it is in you. I really hope that you will remember me when you are ready to have another relationship.
Ed: i know you are
ME: I really do not want us to end. I love you, I never thought that I could love someone so quickly. But you are in my heart I let you in here. I never put up the fake wall that is 6 months of a relationship normally. I wanted you to know me.
ME: But you need to be able to do the same.
Ed: i love you too
ME: Not saying that you would, but do not do something stupid. Do not look for someone else to mend you. Please don't. I could never forgive you for that, I could never forgive you if you ran to someone else knowing that you have the answer.
Ed: i wont
ME: Thank you. Ed, I have so much in my heart for you. I am not going to hurt and cry because now I get it. I think you see that I know what I am talking about. I hope you understand that I am here for you. You can come up here and see me any time you want. Drop in and say hi. You can call me whenever. I am here for you. I want to see you be able to love again with full force.
ME: Have a good evening. You are about to be off work. I do not want to keep you longer than you want to be on here.
ME: Or can be on here lol
Ed: bye hun love you still
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It is a lot of conversation, but I have not been mad at him since. And like I said he came up here today, and he kissed me. He told me he missed me, he held my hand. He was only here for 30 minutes but it made a huge impression on me. He proved to me he still was in love. And that I was not stupid to hold on.
There is a lot of conversation I am going to cut out and just put in "......"'s to show the breaks. Bare with me. It is still going to be ridiculously long.
*************************************
Ed had been telling me he had been trying to get a hold of me all day and couldn't.
(WARNING: This is not spell checked, etc. The names were changed that was it. We both can spell and all but this in an intense conversation. He was at work and I was at home. So the spelling and all the grammar is not exactly there. It was typed as we thought and that is how I left it. So ignore all the mistakes that you can.)
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Ed:: hey i have been trying to get ahold of you all day to talk to you about this so i have come to this conclusion its nothing against you but i have done alot of soul searching and found that i am not ready to be in a relationship at this point in time i am really sorry that it has come to me telling you in an email but i have called on every break but to no avail. once again im really sorry you are a great person and i would love for us to remain friends at least for the time being.
sorry
ed
ME: Why?
Ed: i just explained it to you sweetie
ME: I don't get why you aren't ready ?
Ed: i do love you but i cant do it right now i have to get past my demons before i can do this
ME: I guess I just do not understand. But I'll be here to talk whenever you need it.
Ed: i want to still be friends
Ed: i just cnat do it right now
Ed: im so sorry i didnt want it to be like this
ME: That is fine. I do not think I can chat much ... different reason.
ME: Then why did it !?
ME: Sorry
ME: I'm hurting a lot right now.
ME: You just ripped my soul out of my backbone. I just lost my dream job, trying my hardest ... and I got that call from Charlie and I was okay, I smoked an entire pack of Swisher Cigs last night, and I calmed down finally. Got a lot of rest that I needed to wake up to this.
Ed: THANKS
ME: Sorry
Ed: no
ME: I am honest
ME: I am telling you what I think
Ed: talk to me when you can be civil i feel aweful doing this and then you pull that
ME: Ed.
ME: I am being civil. I am just hurt.
ME: Ok, I'll stop typing as I think because I am sure that does not help.
ME: I need to understand why it is you stepped into a relationship, then decided it not to be the best thing. I honestly cannot fathom that.
ME: What is it that made this decision?
.............................................
ME: I am not trying to be rude by saying this or uncivil, but it hurts more than anything to know you stood here telling people that I was something special.
.............................................
ME: Sorry for being bitter, mad and hurt. What would you do if you woke up this morning and your relationship was assimilated? I got on myspace ... single, facebook single, pof looking .... all before I even got the message. I was a lil pissed at that. Not going to lie.
ME: I understand it now that I have breathed and thought
ME: I'm sorry for acting rashly ...
ME: It was wrong of me to just type something and send it even though I was hurt,
Ed: its ok
Ed: just try to look at it from my point of view
Ed: its been like 6 months since i got out of a 3 year relationship
ME: So is this over her?
ME: Honestly?
Ed: no its over me not being able to cope
ME: I am not sure I get what you are saying.
Ed: ok i thought i was ready but i still feel as if im doing something i shouldntwhen i am with another girl alright
Ed: simply put
ME: Wow. Umm ok.
ME: Never thought I would be thought of as something someone shouldn't do. But that is a new perspective.
Ed: you want honesty
ME: I do
ME: I am just sort of jolted
ME: by that
Ed: there ya go
Ed: ya guys have a concience well at least some
ME: Well, I appreciate your honesty. I am just saying I have never been seen in that light.
Ed: what do you mean
ME: Tell me something. Was I insane when I remember you looking me in the eyes saying you have fallen in love, to have felt it too? Seriously ... should I have just told myself no?
ME: I have never been with someone and them tell me they felt wrong being with me.
ME: That is what I am saying
Ed: OMG
Ed: goodbye
ME: Please no ..
Ed: no
ME: Ed no no listen
ME: I am being serious
Ed: no im done when you called me a liar
Ed: that was it
ME: No you did not lie to me at all
Ed: call me anything but a bitch and a liar
ME: I want to know if I should have told myself to wait
ME: Ed you have never lied to me
ME: I know you have not
ME: I know you love me ... I see it but I want to know if I should have restrained
ME: If I was calling you a liar I would tell you straight out
ME: Do not contort my words.
Ed: do not come at me in that manner trust me you dont want to
Ed: i want us to remain friends and hopefully in time work past this
Ed: but i will not be talked down upon
ME: You aren't
ME: You are an equal
ME: Ok I need to find a way to reword that
ME: I have completely thrown the wrong message at you
ME: I'll have to think of how to reword it. I cannot think of it now. The wheels are turning but nothing is happening.
ME: I am not trying to sound better, higher, anything. I would not call you a liar unless I believed it. You are very honest, and I appreciate that. I just want to know what I should have done if there was something on my part that could have helped You.
Ed: no
Ed: it was that way with my child to be's mother
Ed: not just you
Ed: i dont know what the hell it is
Ed: i guess i never got closure
Ed: i dont know
ME: I undersatand that. I had that once. It took me from March 2005 till February 4, 2006 to find a way.
ME: Now I have closure on that relationship
Ed: i still dont
ME: I understand that. You need to figure out in your heart what it is that you still do not understand, and you need to find your answer to it.
ME: That sounds weird but it is what works
Ed: ya
ME: There is an answer in YOU for closure. She can never give you anything but more questions.
ME: You have that answer. Find it.
ME: That is all I can say on it
Ed: yep
ME: I did not want to find it for so long
ME: But I did.
Ed: i dont know if i want to find it
ME: Wow, I know that feeling. You will never want to find it and end it. But you will never forget what happened and what your answer is. It will make you feel whole again. There is a piece of you that is not completing yourself. You need it to fully love again.
ME: You have to find what it is you want, and then you will find that answer
ME: It may just find you.
ME: I hid it from myself
ME: For so long
ME: I found closure with Charlie quickly because I knew what my answer was. I knew that he was not for me. That even though he wanted me to be his wife, and that I would love to be married and stable that it was not with him. That he needed to go, he needed to live more. his dreams had to be broken to have a better life. he still lived in the fantasy that the first person he loved would be his forever.
ME: And I was that person. It is hard to be the one breaking another's dreams.
Ed: i know it is
Ed: mine was the ones broken
ME: Mine had been. Ed, I'm telling you right now as a friend that loves you more than you will ever understand. You had to have that dream broken. HAD to, not because it was better for you. Not because it was better for her. Not because you weren't meant to be. Because you need the strength to go into this world knowing dreams are .... not reality. They are a dream and that life goes on no matter what happens. You have to know why you wake up in the morning, what drives you to be the best that is you. You have to know what your destiny is.
ME: Anyone that lives there dream is missing out on a whole level of understanding ... they will never know the happiness of themselves.
ME: But that is my answer to things. You may disagree
ME: I hope that you have it in yourself to find an answer. You have a child on the way, it is going to be a beautiful being that will have hopes and dreams and needs someone with a full heart and with a full self, to be strong and be there. A child is innocence, reborn and you are going to have to be there, and know who you are to raise them right.
ME: You are not the only person to benefit from you finding an answer.
Ed: i konw i do i think it will complete me again
ME: That child won't complete you, you can complete you.
ME: You may work toward completing yourself for that child but it is in essence another entity. And no one else can put that piece of your puzzle back in your heart.
ME: I do not want you to be a dad like mine, love one minute, disgust another, I know you won't be. but my dad never found an answer to his divorce.
He hurt a lot from not getting to see his son till he was 7. And when he saw me he loved me because I was his, but hated me because I was an accident, he named me My Rose ... because he cherished me, but he had a split mind. He did not know who he was anymore and he thought he was being loving to me when he was hurting me when he was trying to find that answer. I know in my heart he never meant to hurt me, mom maybe ... he wanted the best for me but it was hell for me because he wanted something full on then he wanted something else.
ME: Sort of like when I look you in the eyes and I feel like you and I have dated for years and loved for a lifetime. But then this happens. It shows Ed, to everyone.
ME: I know you will be one of the most wonderful loving father's in the world. And that you will give that child everything. But you need to find yourself some closure before he or she is born. They were born out of a relationship you could not handle because of this answer. Do not let it come into this world with that question still pending.
Ed: thanks
ME: I want to see you be the best person you can be Ed. I know that piece is within your grasp. If you will let yourself find a reason to get it.
Ed: im working on it trust me
ME: I know it is because when I see you and when you kiss me or even hold my hand I know that you have a lot of love to give and what I have felt is still not all of it.
Ed: what do you mena
Me: I am more intelligent than you think Ed. I can read the heart a lot better than you think. I know that you love with all your heart, but I look at you and I feel you and know that there is something else in you. I have never felt so much emotion and love, but when I close my eyes and take it in, there is one piece missing. The dedication to keep that emotion flowing. You put a damper on yourself around me sometimes.
ME: And it is because that one piece.
ME: You can never have a long term relationship again till you can love as hard as you can all the time.
Ed: starting to notice this
ME: You did the night we met. The night you came up here and made love to me, you did ... until you asked me "Did we just go from having sex to making love". I think you scared yourself. You weren't ready to do that. I think you are, you just do not want to get hurt again. Let me tell you ... the moment you hesitate is the moment that you mess things up. It would be like riding a wheelie and stopping the gas after you get the tire fully up. What is going to happen? You are going to crash.
ME: You caught yourself off guard. You let a wall down that you were afraid for someone to fill.
Ed: tru
ME: Never be afraid to let someone fill your heart with joy, with love, with themself
ME: Find that piece, and tell yourself you are not afraid to love and lose again.
ME: You won't ever lose again if you can do it.
Ed: i know
ME: I don't know if what I am saying is of any help but I hope maybe it is. If you can hear me out and think about it then you have accepted that you need to move on it. You are like me you do not listen to just anyone or hear just anything. If it strikes a cord then you listen, I hope I have. Then at least I know I made a difference to one person in my life.
ME: You know but you are not accepting it.
ME: Like I knew I needed to let my past go
ME: I finally did
ME: I can tell Dad anything now. I do. I called him at work and told him my passion now.
ME: I have never sat down and talked to him about me.
ME: The most passion he has ever seen out of me was the day he put a gun to my 2 puppy's heads and killed them. Then told me he was sorry.
ME: That was nothing compared to the passion I have.
ME: I am not afraid to tell him when I screw up now. I don;t care what he thinks.
ME: You need to find you Ed.
Ed: i know i knwo
ME: You have to find what is stopping you. I know what it is, it should tell you something. The moment you hesitated was the thing you are scared of.
ME: That is where you need to look
ME: I'm here for you Ed. I hope in my heart you will not date someone else till you answer what it is in you. I really hope that you will remember me when you are ready to have another relationship.
Ed: i know you are
ME: I really do not want us to end. I love you, I never thought that I could love someone so quickly. But you are in my heart I let you in here. I never put up the fake wall that is 6 months of a relationship normally. I wanted you to know me.
ME: But you need to be able to do the same.
Ed: i love you too
ME: Not saying that you would, but do not do something stupid. Do not look for someone else to mend you. Please don't. I could never forgive you for that, I could never forgive you if you ran to someone else knowing that you have the answer.
Ed: i wont
ME: Thank you. Ed, I have so much in my heart for you. I am not going to hurt and cry because now I get it. I think you see that I know what I am talking about. I hope you understand that I am here for you. You can come up here and see me any time you want. Drop in and say hi. You can call me whenever. I am here for you. I want to see you be able to love again with full force.
ME: Have a good evening. You are about to be off work. I do not want to keep you longer than you want to be on here.
ME: Or can be on here lol
Ed: bye hun love you still
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It is a lot of conversation, but I have not been mad at him since. And like I said he came up here today, and he kissed me. He told me he missed me, he held my hand. He was only here for 30 minutes but it made a huge impression on me. He proved to me he still was in love. And that I was not stupid to hold on.
Another Letter to Ed
Me and Ed broke up the other morning because he still has not found closure on his last relationship. He and I still love each other, and he still talks to me. We have stayed close like we are in a relationship still. He showed up at random today.
Ed,
Tonight, you really showed me you still cared. I felt so horrible holding back some my feelings because I knew that you couldn’t stay long. I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much I want to be with you. How I can’t do anything without thinking of you. God, I was in the bath tub soaking my knee thinking about when you sat in there with me. I remember how much that meant to me to have you just be calm and cool and be there. To look me in the eyes and kiss me when I was just doing something normal and everyday. I remember thinking how I used to always want someone to just sit and talk to me when I was soaking. Just to be there and break the silence and the monotony, and give me a smile when I was soaking for pain. You did that, and I never had to ask.
You held me the night before my interview and just knowing that you were beside me would have sufficed. But you went the extra distance to make me feel good; to make me feel calm and collected. The little things you do make a huge difference to me. Telling me you thought about bringing me a single rose, it was the thought that was so incredibly sweet that it just put a smile on my face. You may not believe this but thinking about you puts a smile on my face. That just does not happen with me. I am a very somber, very serious, extremely collected person …. Until I get around you. I just lighten up and let my real self come out and I let the world see it. I wanted when you showed up to just hold you tight and cry because I missed you so much. I wanted to curl up in your lap and kiss on you. I wanted to kiss down your jaw and hear the tiny moan and feel the small quiver your jaw makes, I wanted to look you in the eyes and tell you that you mean more to me than anything on this Earth; I wanted to tell you that I want you; in every sense of the word I want you. But I knew that you wanted me to hold back because of your journey to find an answer. When you told me you missed me it made my eyes water, that was all I wanted to hear from you. More so than “I love you” I wanted to know that you missed being here. We spent almost everyday together, and I would love to spend so many more with you. I was hoping to see you again tonight. When you said you were going to see Sissy, I thought maybe I could persuade you to bring your bike over here. And let me see the lights, but even more let me see you. I wanted to hold on to you and never let go. I lost my breath when I kissed you. Because I was so relieved that you pulled me to you like I had wanted to do. When I was rubbing your hands I could just remember the way they felt on my skin and on my neck. I remembered how they felt when you held me tight, or when you ran them over my back.
You are so amazing to me Ed. I do not know what has come over me to love someone so fast, and so intensely. I have never been one to believe in love and first site. I never really said it was not true but it did not happen to me. I never believed in soul mates and all that, but honestly, when you walked out the door today I watched you till you left. I couldn’t break my vision. Under normal circumstances I would have just closed the door and sighed. When I did let the door close, I breathed in deep, closed my eyes. I remembered your smell, I remembered your words, I remembered your touch, and I remembered looking into your gorgeous eyes.
My life has been going to hell, and to be honest normally…. I would actually have gotten suicidal by now. I would just want it all to end. I would want to go to sleep with a bottle of pills in me and never awake. The thought has not crossed my mind. I have told my family what is going on and I have told them that I am working as hard as I can to solve things. I have put in over 200 applications. I checked my emails for the confirmation that I submitted my resume. I have relocated my funds; I have become friends with Charlie. I have done a lot. I am actually proud of how well I am taking everything. I have never felt pride in myself. My abilities on occasion … but at how well I am doing, never. I know that life will go on no matter what and that I cannot worry or I will only cause myself more problems. I have already found some alternate ways of getting temporary funds in the case that I cannot get paid before bills come. I have a friend that will loan it to me. I told him I do not at any time want to HAVE to, but if I feel I put as much effort as I can into finding a job and into getting one, that I will find one. And if it is late in the month then the first paycheck I get I will start paying him back. He told me he would give it to me and I told him no, that if I get to that situation that I will pay him back. No matter what if I have to make payments for a year and a half I will. But I am keeping logical even when I have this much stress.
I have to say honestly, my thoughts of you keep me from being insane. I know that I am the one that changed me to the person I finally wanted to be but it took an influence in my life that I did not have. It took a degree of understanding that I didn’t have before. It is like you came into my life and the person that I wanted to be all my life finally became. I know that ultimately I made it happen and made the decision but I cannot understand what the influence that you had over me was. I cannot comprehend why I could not do it before, why I failed.
Thank you Ed, for being everything that you are. You asked me why you are alive; I personally told you everyone has their own meaning in life. That is true but I also believe that each person is meant to be something to someone else and to help them find more meaning or to find themselves. You have helped me to become what I have been working toward for years. You have helped me learn what real love is. That it isn’t learned. You have showed me that all the passion in the world is in someone’s eyes. I could literally go on forever. Every time that I see you it seems like I find something else to be thankful for, that you just being there makes me learn. I hope that you can understand where I am coming from. I do not know if I will ever be that important to another person on this earth, but I hope that I can be.
I really want to know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. I want to know your inner most thoughts. You seem relaxed when you are around me. You said so on my couch just today that you were relaxing. You also told me that it is hard for you to relax in front of anyone. I hope that maybe I help that. I want to know what you want. I would argue that I need to know, but I can’t say that. I can only know what you want me to know. Your eyes told me a lot; they showed me you still loved me. I also know you would never forgive me if I were to seek out another man to comfort me. And believe me, you are irreplaceable. Do not pull the shit about it has happened before, that was her. I could search this world over and never be fully happy again without you. Maybe someone else let you go, maybe someone else dropped you like a fly, but that someone will never be me. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me you could love someone more than me, then I would believe you. I would then believe that you were not the one for me. But until that moment, when you can do that I will never believe that another person could take your place. I know you thought you achieved nirvana, you dated a girl for 3 years, you got engaged. You had the best you thought. Let me tell you bluntly. She went and found someone else. You were happy, she was not. I know this because I was happy once. Blindly happy, oh I wanted to see myself walking the aisle, in a white gown. I wanted to see him standing there, a big grin on his face ready to take me as his. I wanted to know what it was like to be with him every night, and cook for him every day, I wanted to nurture him and love him with every piece of my soul. You know what (?); he was not as in love or as happy. He thought he was, he thought he loved me with everything. But there was a chamber of his heart that I was not in. And that meant that my bliss was only for what I knew of him. He still seeked something more. That last bit of him he did not know about. He thought I was the best that was going to happen and I thought he had given me all of him. That is what has happened to you Ed. Someone locked you out of them; they let you think you were there. That you were their everything. They found someone else because something was missing. It was in her, there is never anything you can do to open it. Do not act like you can. Do not ask yourself why, because you will NEVER know. The human heart is a mysterious thing. You will know for yourself eventually. I know that I could tell you all day what happened to me and you would listen but you do not want to hear the truth of it. You have to tell it to yourself. I love you Ed. There is not a part of me that you cannot explore, inside and out. I am here giving you my heart. I have never given my heart to someone. But I think you need it more than I. You need the strength and you need to know how open one can be to you. Ask me anything, tell me anything. If you were in front of me right now, I would take your right hand place it on my chest, I would make you feel what is there, and I would tell you it is yours. Use it wisely. I may house a beating heart but the emotional heart that envelopes it, is yours. You need to feel a whole heart. I think you did the day we met. I think you did when you sang to me. I know you did when you made love to me. And it scared you.
You are the best I have ever had. I mean that sexually, I mean that emotionally, I mean that in whatever sense you want to take it. I hope that I can be that for you. I strive for it. You told me when I lost that interview and I said that I wanted it so bad, “Then go get it.” Take your own words and determine what it is you want and “Go get it.”
With love,
Iysis
Ed,
Tonight, you really showed me you still cared. I felt so horrible holding back some my feelings because I knew that you couldn’t stay long. I wanted to tell you how much I love you and how much I want to be with you. How I can’t do anything without thinking of you. God, I was in the bath tub soaking my knee thinking about when you sat in there with me. I remember how much that meant to me to have you just be calm and cool and be there. To look me in the eyes and kiss me when I was just doing something normal and everyday. I remember thinking how I used to always want someone to just sit and talk to me when I was soaking. Just to be there and break the silence and the monotony, and give me a smile when I was soaking for pain. You did that, and I never had to ask.
You held me the night before my interview and just knowing that you were beside me would have sufficed. But you went the extra distance to make me feel good; to make me feel calm and collected. The little things you do make a huge difference to me. Telling me you thought about bringing me a single rose, it was the thought that was so incredibly sweet that it just put a smile on my face. You may not believe this but thinking about you puts a smile on my face. That just does not happen with me. I am a very somber, very serious, extremely collected person …. Until I get around you. I just lighten up and let my real self come out and I let the world see it. I wanted when you showed up to just hold you tight and cry because I missed you so much. I wanted to curl up in your lap and kiss on you. I wanted to kiss down your jaw and hear the tiny moan and feel the small quiver your jaw makes, I wanted to look you in the eyes and tell you that you mean more to me than anything on this Earth; I wanted to tell you that I want you; in every sense of the word I want you. But I knew that you wanted me to hold back because of your journey to find an answer. When you told me you missed me it made my eyes water, that was all I wanted to hear from you. More so than “I love you” I wanted to know that you missed being here. We spent almost everyday together, and I would love to spend so many more with you. I was hoping to see you again tonight. When you said you were going to see Sissy, I thought maybe I could persuade you to bring your bike over here. And let me see the lights, but even more let me see you. I wanted to hold on to you and never let go. I lost my breath when I kissed you. Because I was so relieved that you pulled me to you like I had wanted to do. When I was rubbing your hands I could just remember the way they felt on my skin and on my neck. I remembered how they felt when you held me tight, or when you ran them over my back.
You are so amazing to me Ed. I do not know what has come over me to love someone so fast, and so intensely. I have never been one to believe in love and first site. I never really said it was not true but it did not happen to me. I never believed in soul mates and all that, but honestly, when you walked out the door today I watched you till you left. I couldn’t break my vision. Under normal circumstances I would have just closed the door and sighed. When I did let the door close, I breathed in deep, closed my eyes. I remembered your smell, I remembered your words, I remembered your touch, and I remembered looking into your gorgeous eyes.
My life has been going to hell, and to be honest normally…. I would actually have gotten suicidal by now. I would just want it all to end. I would want to go to sleep with a bottle of pills in me and never awake. The thought has not crossed my mind. I have told my family what is going on and I have told them that I am working as hard as I can to solve things. I have put in over 200 applications. I checked my emails for the confirmation that I submitted my resume. I have relocated my funds; I have become friends with Charlie. I have done a lot. I am actually proud of how well I am taking everything. I have never felt pride in myself. My abilities on occasion … but at how well I am doing, never. I know that life will go on no matter what and that I cannot worry or I will only cause myself more problems. I have already found some alternate ways of getting temporary funds in the case that I cannot get paid before bills come. I have a friend that will loan it to me. I told him I do not at any time want to HAVE to, but if I feel I put as much effort as I can into finding a job and into getting one, that I will find one. And if it is late in the month then the first paycheck I get I will start paying him back. He told me he would give it to me and I told him no, that if I get to that situation that I will pay him back. No matter what if I have to make payments for a year and a half I will. But I am keeping logical even when I have this much stress.
I have to say honestly, my thoughts of you keep me from being insane. I know that I am the one that changed me to the person I finally wanted to be but it took an influence in my life that I did not have. It took a degree of understanding that I didn’t have before. It is like you came into my life and the person that I wanted to be all my life finally became. I know that ultimately I made it happen and made the decision but I cannot understand what the influence that you had over me was. I cannot comprehend why I could not do it before, why I failed.
Thank you Ed, for being everything that you are. You asked me why you are alive; I personally told you everyone has their own meaning in life. That is true but I also believe that each person is meant to be something to someone else and to help them find more meaning or to find themselves. You have helped me to become what I have been working toward for years. You have helped me learn what real love is. That it isn’t learned. You have showed me that all the passion in the world is in someone’s eyes. I could literally go on forever. Every time that I see you it seems like I find something else to be thankful for, that you just being there makes me learn. I hope that you can understand where I am coming from. I do not know if I will ever be that important to another person on this earth, but I hope that I can be.
I really want to know how you are feeling and what you are thinking. I want to know your inner most thoughts. You seem relaxed when you are around me. You said so on my couch just today that you were relaxing. You also told me that it is hard for you to relax in front of anyone. I hope that maybe I help that. I want to know what you want. I would argue that I need to know, but I can’t say that. I can only know what you want me to know. Your eyes told me a lot; they showed me you still loved me. I also know you would never forgive me if I were to seek out another man to comfort me. And believe me, you are irreplaceable. Do not pull the shit about it has happened before, that was her. I could search this world over and never be fully happy again without you. Maybe someone else let you go, maybe someone else dropped you like a fly, but that someone will never be me. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me you could love someone more than me, then I would believe you. I would then believe that you were not the one for me. But until that moment, when you can do that I will never believe that another person could take your place. I know you thought you achieved nirvana, you dated a girl for 3 years, you got engaged. You had the best you thought. Let me tell you bluntly. She went and found someone else. You were happy, she was not. I know this because I was happy once. Blindly happy, oh I wanted to see myself walking the aisle, in a white gown. I wanted to see him standing there, a big grin on his face ready to take me as his. I wanted to know what it was like to be with him every night, and cook for him every day, I wanted to nurture him and love him with every piece of my soul. You know what (?); he was not as in love or as happy. He thought he was, he thought he loved me with everything. But there was a chamber of his heart that I was not in. And that meant that my bliss was only for what I knew of him. He still seeked something more. That last bit of him he did not know about. He thought I was the best that was going to happen and I thought he had given me all of him. That is what has happened to you Ed. Someone locked you out of them; they let you think you were there. That you were their everything. They found someone else because something was missing. It was in her, there is never anything you can do to open it. Do not act like you can. Do not ask yourself why, because you will NEVER know. The human heart is a mysterious thing. You will know for yourself eventually. I know that I could tell you all day what happened to me and you would listen but you do not want to hear the truth of it. You have to tell it to yourself. I love you Ed. There is not a part of me that you cannot explore, inside and out. I am here giving you my heart. I have never given my heart to someone. But I think you need it more than I. You need the strength and you need to know how open one can be to you. Ask me anything, tell me anything. If you were in front of me right now, I would take your right hand place it on my chest, I would make you feel what is there, and I would tell you it is yours. Use it wisely. I may house a beating heart but the emotional heart that envelopes it, is yours. You need to feel a whole heart. I think you did the day we met. I think you did when you sang to me. I know you did when you made love to me. And it scared you.
You are the best I have ever had. I mean that sexually, I mean that emotionally, I mean that in whatever sense you want to take it. I hope that I can be that for you. I strive for it. You told me when I lost that interview and I said that I wanted it so bad, “Then go get it.” Take your own words and determine what it is you want and “Go get it.”
With love,
Iysis
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